Chapter 4

He felt a fluttering of kisses on his face, gentle and fleeting like a kaleidoscope of butterflies. Even though he was just resurfacing to consciousness, his face split into a contented smile. Judging by the fleeting kisses and the sweet scent that wafted from his side, he just knew that he wasn't in his tan colored sheets but was cocooned in Erin's far more comfortable and color coordinated cerulean sheets. He let Erin continue her actions for a few more minutes, far too content and happy to move or give any indication to her that he was awake.

There was just something about mornings— the time of the day where dew drops would condense on her windows and the dawn gave way to twilight and the sun not yet risen— that got Erin letting her walls down enough for him to see this side of her. He'd imagined this was how Erin the girlfriend would be— soft, clingy and affectionate. Not that he didn't enjoy Erin the partner, the friend, the sex buddy but there was just something about seeing this part of Erin that just did something to him. Probably because he had an inkling that not a lot of people got to see her like this and he was one of the lucky few that was fortunate enough to get a glimpse.

When her lips dropped to his and her legs wound around his torso, he knew he could no longer feign sleep. Not when there was a part of his body that was definitely up. She chuckled when she felt his morning wood pressed up against her and she deepened the kiss, knowing now that he was fully up— quite literally. He reached for her and scooped her up so she was on top of him, his palms finding home underneath her shirt on top of the smooth skin.

"Morning." Her voice sounded even more raspy in the morning, driving even more blood to his groin. He loved hearing her voice first thing in the morning. He brought his hand to her neck to reconnect their lips together, his own version of the morning greeting. Soon the soft kisses turned more heated and demanding. They quickly discarded whatever remaining clothes they managed to put on last night so they could reconnect their lips and their bodies in all the ways they fitted together. And when Erin sank down on him, letting out a moan in his ears as she laid her head on his shoulder, he nearly came undone. Then it was a frenzy rush, both of their grunts and moans mixing together as they made love. Because there was no way Jay could categorized this as just fucking, not anymore. Not when he had Erin so many times already yet still felt like he could never get enough, not when her body just fitted so perfectly with his, and not when seeing her face as she came always managed to push him over the brink, always.

Her head remained in the crook of his neck as they came down from the high, both of them panting. His fingers trailed her back, up and down and he turned his head to laid a kiss on her forehead, smiling when he saw the thin sheen of sweat— evidence of their morning workout.

"Now that's a good morning," she murmured into his neck, goosebumps forming on his arms from the sensation. He could only smile and nod, unable to form words just yet. She lifted herself onto her elbow so she could get a look at his face and hold his gaze. He fought his exhausted body to reach up and stroke her face, the true definition of perfection in his mind.

"You're beautiful, you know." She gave him a look, like she was surprised that someone thought of her as such and it struck his heart. "You are," he repeated, wanting her to believe it.

"Okay you sweet talker. You're already in my bed. No need for the sweet words," she said, trying to brush it off but he wouldn't let her. She was beautiful and she deserved to know it— to believe it. He kept his hand on her face, bringing it down slightly so he had her whole focus.

"I mean it," he said with absolute conviction. "You're the most beautiful person I know."

She let out a soft laugh. "Then you need to get to know more people."

He rolled his eyes slightly, knowing Erin and her tendencies to brush off compliments. So he just let her be, knowing that it was just how she was. Maybe one day he'd break through all of her walls, maybe one day she'd let him but he knew today wasn't the day. She shifted so she was lying next to him, her head on his arm and she turned to face him and placed her palm on his chest. He brought her closer to him so he could lay another kiss on her forehead and rested his lips there. Opportunities to get close to Erin like this were rare so he knew he couldn't take them for granted. But soon he found himself drifting back into sleep, taking advantage of the couple of hours they had before they had to go into work.

A couple of hours later, he found himself sitting on a bar stool in her kitchen as she busied herself making breakfast for them. Now that they were out of bed and out of the haze of morning intimacy, he eyed her carefully, wondering how she was doing about Voight getting pinched last night. But Erin, as usual, wasn't one to wear her heart on her sleeve and her face didn't reveal any indication of what was going on in her head about Voight.

"So are we just not going to talk about Voight getting arrested last night?" he asked, breaking the silence on the topic. She stopped whatever she was doing and gave him a look. He returned one back to her, not backing down. "Is he still in jail?"

She shook her head, crossing her arms together as she leaned against the kitchen counter. "No, he got out last night. Al texted me." He understood then why Erin didn't look worried or why she wasn't distracted earlier.

"Why did he get pinched in the first place?"

She shrugged. He shot her a look like he didn't believe her. He knew that if anyone would know, it would be Al and her. "Come on."

"Come on what?" she shot back, her eyebrows furrowing. He knew she was getting annoyed and wanted him to drop the topic but he couldn't. His boss got arrested, that was a big deal in his book.

"I meant did he get arrested for taking bribes? Again?" Jay clarified, "Or maybe someone snitched on him for his special methods of dealing with the perps."

She huffed, not appreciating the way he was talking about Voight. But it wasn't as though he was lying or making things up. It was no secret that Hank Voight was a crooked cop and that he took street tax. And he proudly boasted about the way he treated suspects and everyone in the precinct knew about the infamous cage. Voight was certainly no boy scout of a cop. Really, Jay should've been more surprised that he wasn't arrested earlier. He voiced all of this to Erin who just shook her head.

"Wow Jay, you almost sound disappointed that he's still not in jail." She slammed a cup of coffee in front of him and headed to her room. He looked at her retreating back and thought of going after her and apologizing. But he knew it would do no good. He and Erin would always just be on different pages when it came to Hank Voight. Erin worshipped the guy like he was a hero— a vigilante put on this earth to bring justice to people. And most days Jay had a difficult time seeing a redeeming quality in the guy. It certainly didn't help that Voight was the roadblock for Jay to get the full relationship he wanted with Erin— his Sergeant hypocritically setting rules for them while he freely disregarded all the rules and procedures.

When Erin came back out, she was already dressed and was still wearing the annoyed pout on her face. He sighed, not wanting her to be angry. Despite what he felt about Voight and his arrest, he didn't want Erin to feel the brunt of his hostility towards his Sergeant. He stood up and made his way over to her, putting his hand on her shoulder so she'd turn around in his arms and look at him.

"I'm sorry," he offered, brushing her hair slightly back. "I just….I have a lot of complicated feelings about Voight but I know how you see him and I shouldn't have said them in front of you."

She nodded, accepting his apology. "Jay, I know how you see Voight. But I just wish…." she paused, choosing her words. "There's more to Voight than just his murky past and his violent methods. He has his own way of dealing with things and I know they differ from yours. But I trust him completely and you should too." He wanted to scoff at that. He didn't blame Erin for trusting the guy. After all, Voight did save her from the streets and it was the only redeeming quality of Voight Jay had in his mind.

"I don't trust people easily."

She laughed. "And you think I do?" He didn't. He knew how guarded Erin was and how she didn't just blindly trust people. Someday, he had questions of just how much Erin did trust him because she was just so private about her past. But seeing as how he was the same way, he didn't have room for argument.

"Look, I know what he did for you and trust me, I am beyond thankful to him for that because you wouldn't be standing here if he didn't but it's just everything else," Jay admitted. "I don't know, I guess I just expect someone that we're supposed to be following to be more transparent, open and honest."

"Jay…" she let out a sigh of frustration when her phone chimed, interrupting them. She furrowed her brows as she read the text. "Shit, we got to go Jay."

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"It's Lexi," she replied, guiding him to the bedroom so he could get his clothes on. "She was involved in a gang shooting."


Jay felt bad for Lexi, knowing that seeing a friend get shot would be traumatizing for anyone, let alone a 16 years old girl. She looked frazzled and in a daze as she gripped Erin's hands. Erin was good at dealing with her though, whispering quiet words of comfort to the teenager. Jay could only look on though as Erin dealt with Lexi. Then Al was rushing up the stairs, worried and frantic about his daughter. Jay felt for Al. He knew just what kind of fucked up situation Lexi was in now. If they don't find the culprit and get a confession, there was a good chance that Lexi would have to testify and everyone knew that testifying against a gang was as good as signing your own death certificate.

"Calaca, that means Skeleton," Antonio explained to the group after Erin got the name from Lexi. "He has to be in Latin Priests, they're the only gang that would give their boys names like that."

"Alright, find this Calaca and get a confession so Lexi doesn't have to testify," Voight ordered before walking out of the bullpen.

"I have a few CI that I can reach out to," Antonio started. "A few ex-Latin Priests that have gotten out of the game but might still know where to find this Skeleton."

Jay gave Antonio a nod as the older detective left the bullpen to get the information, leaving him and Erin alone. She sat back down at her desk and gave her focus to her computer, not sparing him a glance. He sighed inwardly, knowing that things were tensed between the two after their unfinished argument in the morning. She wanted him to trust Voight but there was a huge part of him that didn't. Not when Jay didn't agree with Voight's methods and not when he still didn't know the reason why Voight got arrested. How could Jay trust the guy when he didn't know if Voight was still taking dirty money or looking the other way so he'd get his cut?


He could understand why Erin was willing to ignore the fact that Voight got arrested but he was surprised that Antonio was also acting like it didn't happen. So as Jay watched Antonio interrogate the guy that threw the party where the shooting took place and joined him and Erin back in the observation room, he could no longer bite back his tongue.

"So is no one going to talk about the fact that Voight got arrested last night?" He saw Erin shot him a glare from the side of his eyes.

"So?" Antonio shrugged, as if it was no big deal. "He was put in cuffs before once, by me. He got out of those pretty easily. Why should this time be any different?"

"So let me get this straight. The rule of law doesn't apply to Voight? Just so I'm clear."

"Just do your job," Antonio just said as he walked out, Erin following without looking back. Jay stood there, feeling like he was going crazy for being the only one that had a problem with what happened. Everyone seemed to have no issues with the fact that the person they worked under was arrested and for what? No one knew.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead in frustration. Maybe it would be better for him to let this go. Afterall, no one else seemed to care. He had another matter to worry about anyway and he needed to talk to Jin.


He found the tech expert in his own makeshift office, only to find both Ruzek and Burgess there also.

"There you are," Jay called out, getting the attention of the three people in the room.

"Yeah man I'm here," Ruzek replied.

"Aww that's cute," Jay snarked. "That you think I'm here looking for you." He couldn't keep his snide remark to himself but Adam took it in good stride, chuckling before he left with Burgess, leaving Jay alone with Jin like he wanted. Jin motioned for Jay to close the door before revealing what he found out so far about Lonnie Rodiger.

"So I tracked his credit card like you told me to," Jin began. "And I tracked it to a Home Depot. He bought a kerosene lamp and a two person tent."

"So he's going camping," Jay commented before Jin cut him off.

"And duct tape and rope." Jay's blood ran cold at Jin's info, the image of Ben Corson lying on the ground, duct tape on his mouth and hands tied together with rope, flashing through Jay's head. He could only let out a grunt as a thanks before he left Jin's office.


"This'll only take a minute," he told Erin as she studied the unknown address they were at. He exited the car and made his way over to the house he was becoming far too familiar with, knocking on the door loudly.

"You scoped out your next victim yet?" he spat as soon as the door open, ignoring the bearded old man that stood in the doorway in favor of the meek looking guy that stood a few feet away. Looks were certainly deceiving. Lonnie's dad was ready to play protector though, pushing Jay's chest, telling him to get out. "Maybe you can alibi him out for this too!" Jay directed his fury onto the dad, ignoring Lonnie's claim of not knowing what Jay was talking about.

"Just get off my property!" the dad barked, getting in Jay's face.

"Yeah, call the cops!" Jay dared.

"So what? You're here to rough him up?" Jay wished that he could. That he could unleash all the anger and hatred he had towards the pedophile so he'd never hurt another kid again. Then he'd take whatever remaining anger out on his father that had no problem protecting his sick son.

"He bought duct tape and rope up the street last night!" Jay shouted, hoping that maybe the dad would see that his son was a sick bastard. "You remember how they found Ben Corson last time?"

"What, are you monitoring him?" Jay growled, angry that the father was focused on the wrong thing.

"Your son is a pedophile! And a killer!" Jay shouted, fuming.

"Leave!" The father yelled, pushing Jay. Jay knew it was hopeless, that he wouldn't be able to get through to the dad. Not like this so begrudgingly, he walked away.

He felt Erin's confused eyes as soon as he got back in the car, slamming the door closed. She waited for him to fill her in but he was still pissed off from the confrontation with Lonnie and was trying to reign in his anger.

"What was that?" she finally asked, realizing that Jay wouldn't be filling her in anytime soon.

"Just drive," he told her, trying to keep his anger out of his voice and not take it out on her. Her hands on the steering wheel remained in place, not yet driving like he wanted. He felt her study him, could almost hear the question on the tip of her tongue before she swallowed it down and drove away from Lonnie's house like he said.


"You alright?"

He found Erin in the locker room, crouching over on the bench with her hand pressing against her stomach. She had just tackled a big guy in T-Mac earlier and he knew she'd be feeling the effect of it right now. Despite their silent cold war earlier, as soon as he saw the pain in her eyes when she looked up at him, he softened immediately. His worry and concern for her well-being overshadowed whatever frustration he felt towards her. He sighed, joining her on the bench and held up the ice pack he had brought for her.

"Come here," he said gently as she scooted closer next to him and he placed the ice pack on her stomach. She winced at the sudden coldness and groaned as the ice pack began to numb the pain.

"Thank you," she managed to mutter out through the pain. She had done a good job of hiding her pain earlier in front of everyone but he saw her tackle the guy who easily outweigh her by 100 pounds to the ground. But she still brushed it off as though it was nothing as she stood next to Voight in the observation room. But Jay kept his eyes on her and saw the small ways she winced as she shifted uncomfortably, the flashes of pain that showed on her face before she quickly hid them.

"Better?" he asked, still holding onto the ice pack against her stomach. She nodded, dropping her head down. He couldn't hold back so he darted his eyes out the door, making sure that they were alone and wouldn't be interrupted anytime soon before he brought his arms around her and placed her head on his shoulder, letting himself be the wall she could lean on. "You were awesome! You brought that guy down like he was nothing."

He was truly impressed with the way she took T-Mac down but that was Erin, always surpassing his expectations of her and showing him just truly awesome she was. She chuckled a bit before wincing at the pain.

"Oh you know me. That's just part of my special skills," she said, teasing. That was the first moment of their usual banter they'd had all day, where arguments and tension over Voight was forgotten and where it was just the two of them, sharing a moment alone.

"Hey," Erin called out softly, tilting his head with her hand. "Thank you for this." She brought her head up and kissed him, thanking him for taking care of her. He smiled into the kiss. Whatever else that was going on, whatever tumultuous thoughts he had running in his mind, her kiss would always quiet them all.


Jay had to admit he was feeling a lot better after spending some time with Erin in the locker room and not for the first time since he had started this thing with Erin, he wondered just how much power she had over him that just a few minutes with her in her presence could bring him such ease. Maybe he was getting too carried away, getting himself too deep into this but when the alternative was to be apart from her, he'd knew it was just a risk he had to take.

"Halstead, my office!" Voight demanded, Erin's head snapping up as she was getting ready to leave with Antonio. He exchanged a look with her, seeing the worry in her eyes at why Voight was suddenly calling him. But Antonio dragged Erin away and Jay headed to face Voight in his office.

"I told you to let this Lonnie Rodiger thing go," Voight said immediately, closing his office door.

"I have for the most part," Jay replied, not really wanting to get into this topic with him. He still had no idea how Voight even knew about Lonnie and what happened with Ben but he certainly wasn't sympathetic towards the situation, judging from their previous conversation about the topic.

"If you're not going to be straight with me, I can't protect you," Voight warned and that broke Jay's frustration regarding the man. Who the hell did Voight think he was? Standing here and judging Jay on being honest and being straight.

"Protect me?" Jay spat, unable to believe the words that were coming out of Voight's mouth. Just how shameless was the man? "Weren't you just in custody? Who are you to give advice?"

That riled Voight up and he pushed Jay, anger showing on his face. "Don't push me. I can run you out of the unit like that," Voight snapped his finger, the two men locked in a staredown. Jay tried to temper his anger down, knowing that it wasn't going to do any good to come blow to blow with Voight.

"I think Lonnie is going to kill another kid," he revealed, hoping that it would at least let Voight know of his motivation. Maybe Voight would understand.

"You have eyes on you Halstead," Voight said instead, brushing his concern about Lonnie off. "I've warned you all I can."

With that Jay was being dismissed, Jay scoffing to himself for thinking that Voight would understand. Of course, he wouldn't. Because understanding him would require empathy and open mindness and those were two qualities that he knew his Sergeant was lacking.


"Erin!" She stepped into Voight's office, hearing him call her as soon as she got back to the bullpen. She closed the door, wondering why she was being summoned.

"What?"

"Your partner," Voight began, Erin trying to control her expression, lest she gave away any inkling that there was something more going on with her and Jay. "You need to keep him in check." She frowned, wondering what he was talking about. "He can't go around half-cocked, thinking he's the vendetta police. He is getting himself deep in something he won't be able to get out of."

"What are you talking about Hank?"

Voight looked surprised at her question, that she would be in the dark. "He hasn't told you?" She shook her head, knowing that Jay was obviously keeping something to himself but hasn't revealed what it was. Like what that visit to that house earlier in the day was about. "Just keep him in check." Voight ordered, before dismissing her.


"Jay," she called, Jay turning around as she joined him in the break room. "I'm your partner. Talk to me."

He just gazed at her, seeing the question and concern in her hazel eyes. He wished he could just tell her everything, let her in. But he knew the risk he was taking with this— going behind Voight's back, asking Jin to track Lonnie's steps, going on surveillance alone so he could keep his eyes on the pedophile. It was a mess and he was jeopardizing his career like Voight had said, that he was risking his reputation. And there was no way he'd do that to her. He'd never bring her into his mess, not when he was already so protective of her.

"Trust me, you don't want to know."

She scoffed like she was surprised that he was keeping her at arm's length about this. "That's rich." She took a step towards him, her eyes inquiring, asking him to let her in. "Jay, I'm here for you. You can tell me anything."

"Really Erin. I'm fine." He made to leave, hoping their conversation could end.

"You know, you're such a hypocrite," Erin called out, Jay turning around to face her. "You went on all day about Voight and his secrets and here you are, doing the same."

"It's not the same," Jay returned. "My secrets don't affect this unit."

Erin quirked her eyebrow. "Oh really? So that visit earlier today? That was totally by the books right?" Jay couldn't find a response so he just kept quiet. Erin sighed, softening towards him. "Look Jay, I'm just worried okay. And so's Voight."

Now it was Jay's turn to scoff. "Voight? Worry about me? That's rich."

She sighed, frustrated, tossing her head back. "Why can't you just see the good in Voight?"

"Why can't I? Why can't you?" Jay shot back. "Why can't you just see the truth? He's secretive and…."

"Like you're not!" Erin argued. "You still haven't told me about what we were doing at that house earlier. You want to be different than Voight? Then tell me." Jay kept quiet, knowing it was for her own good that Erin was kept in the dark. That this situation with Lonnie had all kinds of potential to be messy and complicated and he wanted Erin as far away from it as possible. Really he shouldn't have even taken her to the house earlier but he just couldn't wait after finding out that Lonnie had purchased duct tape and rope to confront him. Erin's humorless chuckle broke his thought, Jay finding her with her arms crossed, shaking her head. "Now who's being secretive?" she voiced. "You're a hypocrite Jay. You want Voight to be the bad guy."

"He is! It's not my fault that you are so blinded by the guy that you can't see it. That you would blindly listen to him no matter what you think. No matter what you're feeling!" he let out, spilling all of his thoughts to her.

She pressed her lips together, knowing what he was getting at. "Is this about us?"

He dropped his head, breaking their gaze. She was still waiting for an answer from him, keeping her eyes on him. "Isn't it?" he finally responded. "I know you feel something for me but you're so afraid of going against him that you won't let yourself go and feel it."

"Don't tell me what I'm feeling Jay."

"No you don't have feelings for me then?" he challenged, wanting all the cards on the table. "Then what are we doing here?"

Erin crossed her arms, like she was walling herself off from him. "Don't twist this into something more Jay. I've told you from the start that we're just fuck buddy. No strings attached. Nothing more."

Jay bristled at the way she coldly categorized them into something that meaningless.

"Is that all we are?" he questioned, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.

She gritted her teeth, staring him down. "What else is there? What else do you want from me?"

He looked into Erin's eyes, searching. He wanted to see something, anything in them. Any indication that she felt about him the way he did towards her. That despite them starting this thing as just no strings attached, casual friends with benefits, that the past month they've spent together in and out of the sheets had grown into something more. Like it had for him. But Erin had one hell of a poker face, her eyes not revealing anything he desperately wanted to see.

"Nothing," he finally bit out, trying to keep all emotions out of his voice. "Because you obviously can't give them to me."

With that he walked away, leaving her in the break room alone.

He stalked out of the precinct, into his car and slammed the door shut. His knuckles turned white from the death grip he had on the steering wheels, trying to reign in his feelings. He was hurt, he was angry and he was confused. Hurt that Erin could just callously dismissed him, them, like that. Like the time they've spent together meant nothing to her. Angry at himself because how could he have been such a fool? Foolish enough to let himself get lost in his feelings for her and ignore all the warning signs that Erin had given him about not wanting something more serious. All the times she had pulled away, kept him at arm's length, stressing how they were just being casual. Instead he had let himself believe in those tender mornings and mesmerizing midnight spent with her, fooled himself into believing that she felt something more for him.


Erin sighed, throwing her phone on her bed after not getting through to Jay's phone. She had been calling him all night but he had been ignoring her. Not that she could exactly blame him. She knew she had fucked up, had hurt him in the break room earlier. But that was what she did. Every time she felt herself being cornered or forced to face her feelings, she'd lash out. And the constant arguments about Voight had pushed her to the edge and she had lashed out, badly.

She knew he had feelings for her, felt it in the way he looked at her, had taken care of her and had made love to her. Maybe if she was a braver and stronger person, she could admit her feelings for him too. That she felt just as strongly about him as he did about her. But she was a coward and she was hiding behind the safety wall that was Voight.

It was easy to use Voight as an excuse to keep Jay at an arm's length, to keep things from getting serious between them. They were just too different to work out, weren't they? He had such a hard time accepting Voight and she just knew that if he found out the truth about her and everything that she had done in the past, there was no way he'd see her the same way again. And that would be something she wouldn't be able to take, to see him look at her as someone tainted.

The next morning, she was exhausted, not getting much sleep. Somehow, she had gotten used to Jay being in her bed and holding her as she slept. So when he wasn't there to keep her warm, she tossed and turned restlessly all night and it showed in the large eyebags under her eyes.

She wanted to apologize to Jay, to explain her thoughts and just show him that he was important to her. She didn't know if she could give him everything he wanted, everything he deserved but she knew that she didn't want things to end between them, especially like this.

She yawned as she entered the bullpen, somehow ending up being the first person there. Or third she realized when Al came out of Voight's office, a frown on his face. She glanced inside the office and saw Commander Perry in there with Voight, both of them seemingly in an important conversation.

"What's going on in there?" she asked Al as she took off her coat and draping it across her chair. Al came over to her desk, the look of worry and concern on the man's face making Erin worry.

"It's Halstead," Al replied. "It's bad Erin."