Chapter 6

Erin was annoyed. That was the only word to describe what she was feeling inside. Jay had been avoiding her, leaving the room whenever she entered, sidestepping her whenever she tried to talk to him, and was just plain ignoring her unless it had something to do with work. She knew that he was angry at her for how the whole Lonnie Rodiger murder went down and he probably thought that she abandoned him during the whole ordeal. But how did he ever expect to resolve their issues if he wouldn't even talk to her? Were they supposed to be in this cold war for the rest of their lives? For however long their partnership was going to last?

She kicked her legs up on her desk and crossed her arms, her eyes studying the man sitting across from her at his own desk, head bent down, seemingly consumed in his work. But she knew by the twitch of his eyebrows and the fact that he hadn't flipped the pages in the file that he was putting on an act. To act as though he didn't feel her eyes on him. Erin took her eyes off of Jay for a few seconds to glance around the bullpen. Voight wasn't in his office, neither were Antonio and Al. Only Adam remained at his desk behind the cabinet so Erin felt it was safe enough to reach out to Jay….again.

She pushed herself off and slowly walked over to him, Jay tensing up as soon as he noticed her approaching him. Erin surged on. She may be a coward when it came to her feelings for Jay but not when her annoyance was taking dominance in her head right now. She sat her ass down on the edge of his desk, waiting for him to acknowledge her.

He didn't.

Jay still had his head in some files on his desk and Erin knew it wasn't some important case because there was a lull in between cases for Intelligence right now. Perfect timing apparently because the lack of a case gave Jay the perfect opportunity to avoid her and the close proximity they would've been in had they been ordered to ride around in the 300.

Erin sighed and tapped her finger lightly on his desk, trying once again to get his attention. He let out a sigh himself, sounding annoyed. But it didn't deter Erin. She bent her head down to catch his eyes, a smile on her face to try to soften him up.

"Jay," she said, giving up in her attempt and deciding to just be straightforward. "Jay."

He finally turned a page in his file, pretending as though he didn't hear her. She clucked her tongue, her irritation growing. Why was he being so childish? If he was angry at her then be angry. She'd rather he scream at her, yell at her, anything but this silent treatment that he had been giving her.

"Are you seriously going to sit there and act like you didn't hear me? Or see me?"

Jay finally looked up, his eyes colder than she had ever seen them. Blue glaciers that wouldn't melt with just a smile or a flash of her dimples. He was thoroughly pissed at her.

"I'm working," he just said, voice tight like he was explaining things to a five-year old.

"Take a breather then," Erin shot back. "You've been looking at that file for hours now." She waited for his reply. Usually he'd shoot her a retort of how she was checking him out or how she wasn't able to keep her eyes off of him with a smirk on his face and a flirtatious glint in his eyes. But no reply came this time, Jay turning back to the file. Frustrated, she reached over and closed the file, slamming the heavy stock paper down. Finally, she got a reaction out of him, Jay snapping his head up with fire in his eyes.

"What the hell?!"

She shrugged, giving him her best innocent eyes. "Just thought you should take a break. How about I make us some coffee?" She tossed her head back, gesturing to the break room.

"I'm working," Jay repeated again. "I have a lot to catch up on. One usually gets behind at work when one gets accused of murder and have to prove his innocence because no one belives him."

There it was. The source of his anger. At least he was finally voicing it.

The retort of how she believed him and never doubted him remained on the tip of her tongue when Voight came barging up the stairs and pasted a picture of the whiteboard, giving them their next case. Erin felt the heat of Voight's eyes on her and Jay as he shared the details of the case. She hated it— the feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place. There was Jay…..and then there was Voight. She didn't know why things had to be so hard for her. Women juggled love and career all the time and most of them even managed to get them balanced. And here she was— fighting between her feelings for Jay and her loyalty to Voight. Plus there was the whole not getting fired from her job thing.

She glanced down at Jay again, waiting for a sign from him. Anything. A gesture or a look that would keep her sitting there, on his desk and next to him, Voight's glare be damned. She sighed to herself and stood up to head back to her desk when he gave her nothing. She thought she might've heard a scoff from Jay as soon as she got up but when she looked back at him, his face was pulled into the same frustrating neutral expression he had been sporting all week. Like he was teflon. Unfeeling and uncaring.

Sometimes she just wondered why must the men in her life be so damn difficult.


The pizza box felt hot on her right hand while the six pack of Jay's favorite draft beer was weighing heavy on her left. She juggled the two as she knocked on his door, hoping that Jay would actually open the door and wouldn't slam the door in her face if he saw her peace offerings. She waited a couple of minutes, the two items feeling heavier and heavier as she waited for the door to open. There was a possibility that Jay wasn't home but she saw his car parked in his usual spot and she swore she heard some shuffling behind the door earlier.

"Jay, I know you're there," she shouted through the barrier. "Please, just...please."

She didn't know if he heard the desperation and pleading in her voice because he finally opened his door. "What are you doing here?"

She just held up the pizza and beer in her hand. "There's a game on tonight."

He pursed his lips, silent and for a second, she wondered if he'd really slam the door in her face. Even if she probably deserved it. But he just left the door open and went back to his couch. Erin thought that was enough of an invitation and she entered his apartment, closed the door and tentatively joined him. It looked like he had a head start on her for the beer count for the night as she spied a finished beer bottle on his coffee table and the half drunk bottle in his hands. The game was already playing on his t.v and Erin was happy to see the Hawks with the lead.

"Good game so far?" Jay just grunted, shrugging his shoulders. "Pizza?" Erin tried again, opening the box and hoping that the smell would entice Jay enough to soften his hard stance a little bit. Jay just shook his head and took another sip of his own beer. Erin closed the box again, not feeling so hungry herself. Instead, she just leaned back against the couch and propped her elbow up on the backrest. Never had she felt this awkward being in Jay's place. Even since they first became partners and started going over to each other's places, she always felt comfortable and at ease around him. That was one of the reasons why they had gotten so close, so fast. There was just this naturalness about them. One that was nowhere to be found right now because not only was there distance between them right now, there was also this stifling tension. She hated it.

Even as the Hawks scored again and pretty much put the game out of reach for the other team, they didn't cheer. They didn't move. Erin glanced down and saw Jay's hard grip on his bottle of beer. Finally, Erin had enough. She came here for a reason and she was tired of tiptoeing around Jay. They needed to talk so she reached over for the remote on the table and shut the game off.

Jay's jaw worked, the muscle clenching at her action. Slowly, she reached out for his arms and immediately felt his arm muscles tensing at her touch but she gripped his arms, trying to get him to look at her.

"Can we please talk?" She sounded desperate but she didn't care right then. She just needed him to not push her away. "Jay?"

He sighed, licking his lips. "What?"

"I'm sorry," she started, wanting him to know that she was truly sorry for what happened with Lonnie and how he was treated by everyone. Especially her. "I'm sorry for how everything went down with the Lonnie case. How you were a suspect."

He just shrugged, brushing her hold off. "Whatever. It's over."

She reached for him again. "It's not whatever," she corrected, trying to get him to look at her so he could see that she meant it. "You didn't deserve what happened. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Erin frowned not only at his words but at the tone of his voice. "It was my problem and it was for me to deal with. Not you."

"We're partners. And we're friends right?" Jay just shrugged again. Erin bit her lips, trying to calm herself down. "So we're not friends?"

"We're partners. At work."

"That's all?" Another shrug from him had Erin finally exploding. "Oh my god! Will you stop being such an ass? I'm trying to apologize to you and make amends! The least you can do is act like you actually care!"

Her outburst had Jay's head whipping around to finally look at her, his eyes blazing with anger and disbelief. "Act like I actually care? That's fucking rich coming from you, Erin. What are you even doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be with your boyfriend?"

Erin's face contorted in confusion. "What are you talking about?" Jay sucked in his breath, trying to calm himself down. He shook his head like he just said something he didn't mean to.

"Just never mind." He slammed his beer bottle on the table and stood up. "You said sorry already. Great. I forgive you. I'm over it so you can go."

Erin scoffed. "You're kicking me out?" Jay just lifted his shoulders again. Erin clenched her jaw and sat back, crossing her arms. "No. I'm not leaving. Not until we actually talk." They stared at each other, willing each other to back down. But both of them were stubborn and they just remained locked in a battle, neither backing down.

"Fine," Jay growled, giving in. "You want to talk? Then talk. The faster we finish this conversation, the faster I can get some peace." Erin tried to calm herself down before she spoke, not wanting them to get into another fight over rash words. "Well?" Jay asked, after she took too long to speak.

"I don't want to fight with you, Jay." Erin ran her fingers through her hair. "I just can't stand us being like this. And if we don't solve this now and work things out, pretty soon Voight is going to notice."

"I don't give a fuck about Voight!" Jay interjected, anger clear in his voice. "Unlike you Erin, my world doesn't revolve around him."

"And mine does?"

"Doesn't it? You pretty much follow his every order!"

"Yeah, because he's my boss! He's our boss!"

"So we're just supposed to look the other way every time he does something off the books? Follow in his footsteps no matter how much we don't agree with it? Let him dictate our personal lives?!"

"Oh my god, are we really fighting about this again?!" Erin stood up from the couch, both of them in a stand-off.

"You're the one that wanted to talk."

"I wanted to apologize to you. To clear the air about the whole Lonnie thing. Not to get into yet another fight about us."

"Is there even an 'us'?" Jay asked and for the first time in a week, he didn't sound flat or angry. He sounded….vulnerable. Erin felt at a loss for word at his question. Jay just shook his head and let out a humorless chuckle. "Never mind. I think I know the answer to that question when you kissed Severide."

Erin's eyes widened. How did Jay know about her lapse in judgement and her kiss with Severide? She had been regretting her actions with the firefighter the whole week. As soon as Severide had tried to push things further that night, she had pushed him away and had given him some excuse about wanting to take things slow. He had been understanding and he had been persistent with phone calls and messages, asking to take her out on a date. She had been making up one excuse after another to let him down gently. But she still didn't know that Jay knew.

"How did you know about that?"

Jay just let out a sad smile. "I saw you guys. Kissing at your place."

Her heart constricted at his words. The fact that Jay had seen them knocking the wind out of her. The look on his face right now made her want to cry. No wonder Jay had been so angry at her, he was hurt.

"I didn't know that you were there." She took a step closer to him, her hands reaching out. "Jay, I'm so sorry that you saw that. If I had known that you were there…"

"I went to Ben's grave that night after Lonnie's dad came clean about the murder and I just wanted….I needed you," he admitted. "But then I got to your door and Severide was already there."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"What could I have said?" Jay shot back. "You would've pushed him away if you knew I was there? You would've chosen me over him?"

"Yes!" Erin shouted, "You think I wouldn't have?" Jay remained silent. "The only reason why I even kissed him back is because I was frustrated. Frustrated that I had been calling you and trying to reach out to you all day but you weren't answering my calls. You were pushing me away."

"I was trying to protect you!" Jay exclaimed. "I didn't want you involved in my bullshit. I didn't want you to go down for my shit. I knew there was a real chance that I could've gone down for the murder and that Voight was probably on your case, trying to keep you out of it. I didn't want to put more stress on you. But the entire time, you were too busy flirting with the fireman and making out with him!"

"How was I supposed to know that?!" Erin shouted back. She was tired of being protected, treated like she was a child. By Jay. By Voight. "And what right do you have being mad at me for kissing Kelly? I could kiss him or anyone that I want. It's not like I'm your girlfriend. We're nothing!" she let out, trying to hurt him.

It seemed as though her mission was a success because Jay looked like she had slapped him with her words. She immediately regretted her words, and hated herself for saying them. Jay took a step back and he swallowed.

"Jay," she called out, the apology already on her lips.

"You're right," Jay interrupted her, hands on his hips. "You're not my girlfriend." He walked over to the door and opened it. "We're nothing."

"Jay," she tried again, not wanting to leave. They couldn't leave things like this. She wanted to take her words back, knowing that she didn't mean them. They weren't nothing. They were….real. Even if Erin was terrified of admitting to herself. But Jay remained by the door and she knew that he wouldn't be open to anymore apology or explanation from her tonight. So she just left.


If things between her and Jay were awkward last week, she didn't even know the word to describe how things between them were today. After the way they had left things last night at his apartment, Erin dreaded coming into work today. But she knew she couldn't call in sick.

This was the whole reason why she shouldn't have started the whole thing with Jay. She knew better. She knew how mixing work and relationships could get messy. This was what she was trying to avoid in the first place. She had foolishly thought that by keeping things no strings attached between her and Jay, it wouldn't get messy or complicated. But instead, her plan backfired and now they were stuck in the 300, unable to even look at each other.

Erin tried to apologize again, find a window where Jay would be receptive to her apology but he had walled her off the whole day. He had tried to take assignments with the other guys whenever he could, just so he could avoid being stuck with her. He was out of the bullpen most of the day. But Voight had given them an assignment to interview a witness for the case. Jay had tried to get out of it but Voight's eyes practically dared them to defy his orders, lest they show a hint of unprofessionalism.

Erin got out of the car as soon as she parked at the station and made her way to the break room, needing caffeine. Jay had walked ahead of her, not waiting for her like he usually did. She was getting used to seeing the back of his head more than his face. She stirred her coffee, lost in her thoughts.

"What's up with your partner today?" Voight's gravelly voice broke her out of her thoughts. She looked at him and shrugged. "You two having problems?"

Erin leaned against the counter and shook her head. "We're fine." She gave him a tight smile, trying to pretend as though everything was fine between her and Jay. Voight stared her down, looking like he didn't believe her for a second. "We're fine, Hank."

He grunted, scratching his nose. "You know how hard it is to get in this unit right?" Erin nodded, wondering where he was going with this. "I chose you because you deserve to be here. Don't lose sight of that," Voight said, the warning thinly veiled with his words. He was warning her off Jay….again.

"I got it!" Erin replied, frustrated. Voight sucked in his cheeks and gave her a nod before leaving the break room.


"Is this seat taken?" Erin looked up from the beer that she was nursing to find Kelly next to her. She shook her head, knowing that she couldn't avoid him. She had been dodging his calls and ignoring his messages for a date but it seemed as though she had been cornered at Molly's. She had just wanted to get a drink in peace by herself. To drink her sorrows away. To lose herself in liquor and in a world where she could get the career she loved and be with the man of her dreams. To get away from the reality of Jay being angry with her, probably hating her and Voight tossing out warnings every time she saw him to stay away from Jay and to stay on the path he wanted her to stay on.

She watched silently as Severide placed an order with Hermann, dropping a shot glass in front of her. He held his shot glass up for a toast, waiting for Erin to pick hers up. She picked it up and held it out.

"To us not drinking alone," Severide began. "After all, why drink alone when we can drink together." Erin clinked her glass with his and knocked back the shot, grimacing at the bitter taste.

Several shots later, her elbow was the only thing holding her head up as she leaned on the bar. She was drunk, just like how she wanted to be. Even if she wasn't alone like she wanted to be, Severide still sitting next to her, ordering more shots.

"No, I can't drink anymore!" Erin slurred, trying to wave the shot away. But Severide put the glass in her hand.

"Just one more!" Severide said, insisting. Erin groaned but she held the glass.

"What are we drinking to this time?"

"Hmmm," Severide replied, thinking. "How about to our first date?"

Erin frowned. "This is our first date?"

Severide chuckled. "Sure, why not? We're here together right? The two of us and we're having a good time. Just us having a nice and casual night."

Erin toasted to that, taking the shot. "To casual!" she shouted, holding the empty shot glass up. Severide laughed as he took the glass from her and placed it on the bar. "See, this is easy!" Erin started, hitting Severide's chest. "Why can't everything be easy?"

"Who said it can't?"

Erin frowned, her eyes hazy from all the shots. "Exactly!" she slapped his chest again. "You like casual right? You're okay with casual?"

"Sure," Severide shrugged. "I'm a pretty easy going guy. Why complicate things when they don't need to be right?"

"You get it!" Erin replied, giggling. Severide got it. He understood keeping things nice and easy. Why couldn't Jay? Why did Jay have to bring up feelings and strings and all the other complicated things into their already complicated lives? "There's no need for feelings or other yucky things. Just have fun!"

"Well I don't know about the whole no feelings thing but yeah, having fun is important," Severide replied, trying to follow Erin's inebriated logic. "We can have fun, keep things casual," he said, leaning in closer.

"Fun...casual," Erin mumbled as she saw Severide closing the distance between them. "Easy." Severide smiled, nodding. But even through her haze, she knew that the eyes getting closer and closer to her weren't the right shade of blue, Severide's eyes didn't crinkle in the corner the right way when he smiled and when his lips landed on hers, they weren't the same lips that made her toe curled with just a touch. Things with Severide could be easy and fun and uncomplicated but maybe it wasn't what she wanted.

She pushed him away, stumbling back on the bar stool. Severide reached out to steady her. "You okay?"

"I need...I have to go," Erin mumbled, trying to get out of the bar.

"Wait, Erin." Severide held her back.

"No, I need to get out of here!"

"Okay okay but you can't drive right now. Let me take you home." Erin shook her head. She didn't want to go home. Where she did want to go, Severide couldn't take her there. She pushed him away again, mumbling a promise that she wouldn't drive and quickly left the bar, heading to the only place she wanted to be right now.


Jay took out his phone from his leather jacket and typed a text. He wanted to apologize to Ally again for what happened earlier tonight. Ally was back in town because of Lonnie's murder and she had reached out to him a couple of days ago. They had met up for drinks tonight and before he knew it, he was following her back to her house. Her parents were away for the night and she had invited him in.

As soon as they got through the door, she had pretty much jumped him and had him in a lip lock. Jay had been caught off guard at first but he kissed her back, both of them making their way to her room that he had been many times before in his teenage years when they snuck around behind her parents' back. He tried to lose himself into the kiss, try to get himself work up as she tugged on his clothes. Anything to get his mind off of Erin and the cruel words she had spat at him the night had tried to avoid her all day, unable to even look at her without his hurt coming out. She had classified them as nothing and it had stabbed him to his core. He knew that he felt for her than she did for him but he had thought that the thing that was holding her back was her strange loyalty to Voight and not wanting to go against him.

Never did he think that there would be another man in the picture. He could still vividly recall the image of her and Severide kissing. He had tried to get the image out of his head but it stayed in his mind, taunting him that Erin wasn't his. Even as Ally pushed him down onto her bed and straddled him, the image remained in his head, his mind filling with thoughts of what Erin was doing right now. If she was with Severide. How far they went that night.

"Jay," Ally tried to get his attention back with more kisses but eventually she gave up, lifting herself off of him. Jay closed his eyes, feeling terrible. "You're not into this?"

Jay sat up, giving himself some space. "I'm sorry Ally." He wished he was into it. That he could forget about Erin and lose himself in his old girlfriend. But he knew it was futile and using Ally as a distraction wasn't fair to her. She may no longer be his girlfriend or the one he had feelings for but she was still a friend. She deserved better. He stood up and picked up his clothes, trying to avoid the hurt look in her eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"Jay!" Ally called out, stopping him. "Why?"

Jay gulped, dropping his eyes. "I just can't," Jay replied. "I'd be using you as a distraction. A way to forget and you don't deserve that."

"Is there someone in your life?" Jay just nodded. "A girlfriend?"

Jay just pursed his lips and kissed Ally's head. "Bye Ally," he said, leaving her behind.

He had contemplated hitting a bar and just getting drunk but in the end, he decided not to. He just wanted to bury himself in his bed and get some sleep and hope that perhaps tomorrow, his heart would be less broken and it wouldn't hurt so much to be dismissed by Erin.

He shot Ally the apology text and shoved his phone back in his pocket. He took out his keys and came to a stuttered stop when he got to his door. Erin was there, sitting on the floor, her head leaning against his door, slumped over.

His initial reaction to seeing her was panic, thinking that she was hurt. The way she was slumped over, her body folded in on itself, scared the shit out of him. He quickly strided over to her and crouched down. "Erin?"

As soon as he got close, he could immediately smell the alcohol coming off of her. She groaned when he shook her gently and she opened her eyes and gave him a lazy smile. He relaxed a bit, realizing that she wasn't hurt. She was just drunk.

"Jay!" she slurred, her arms coming around him, holding him in a loose hug. "You're here!" She frowned and looked at him confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I think I'm the one that should be asking you that. What are you doing here Erin?"

Erin giggled, realizing that she was the one at his place and not the other way around. "I wanted to see you," she replied. "I needed to see you." He asked her why and she set her gaze on him, looking at him with her foggy eyes. "It wasn't the right blue," she replied, as if her words made perfect sense. "And it wasn't the right crinkle!"

"What? What are you talking about Erin?" His worry grew again, unable to comprehend what she was talking about.

"It wasn't right!" she shouted, her arms waving around until Jay held them gently.

"What wasn't right?"

Erin looked at him. "Smile, Jay." He frowned, confused. "No! Smile!" He lifted his eyebrows but Erin looked so serious that he found himself complying and giving her what she asked for. Erin's own face grew into a smile and she held his face. "There are the crinkles!" She brought his face closer to her and brushed the corners of his eyes with her fingers. "My crinkles!"

He realized that she was talking about the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes, the ones that he was self-conscious of whenever they appeared along with his smile. She gave him a blinding smile, his heart melting at seeing her. She came here to see him smile? He knew she was drunk out of her mind but he felt himself soften against her.

"Okay, you're drunk Erin." She pouted, shaking her head. "Yeah you are!" he chuckled, knowing that only a drunk Erin would ever pout like that in front of him.

"I'm perfectly sober Jay!" she protested. "I'm great!"

"Yeah?"

"Uh huh. Now that I see the right blue and the right crinkles! They were all wrong earlier. Now they're right." Jay frowned, not really understanding her. But his priority right now was to take care of her. He stood up, ignoring Erin's whine at his departure, and opened his door. Then he bent back down to lift her up and carried her inside. He placed her gently on his bed, Erin's soft breaths blowing in his neck the whole way there. Erin wriggled on his bed, kicking her feet. He took off her boots and socks, trying to get her comfortable enough to get some sleep. She lifted herself up and took off her jacket and tossed it to the floor.

He left the room to grab her a cup of water to help her sober up a bit. He sat down next to her on the bed and gave her the water, watching Erin take large gulps of the liquid. He brushed her hair back to get it out of her mouth and took the glass from her when she was done and put it on the nightstand. Erin let out a hum and laid back down on his bed. He covered her with the blanket, hoping that she'd get some sleep knowing that she'd have a huge hangover the next day.

He was about to change out of his clothes when he heard some noises coming from Erin and he turned around in time to see her toss the blanket aside and quickly ran over to his bathroom. He followed her, finding her head in the toilet, throwing up the alcohol. He kneeled down next to her, pulling her head back, and he stroked her back, trying to comfort her. She groaned after she was done and she leaned back against the tub. Jay got her a cold towel and gently placed the wet towel across her face, trying to clean her up. She moaned at the sensation and she finally opened her eyes.

"Thanks," she mumbled, her head lulling to the side. He continued with the towel until she grabbed his hand to stop him. " I need a shower." He hesitated until she squeezed his wrist. "Please, Jay."

He nodded and helped her stand up. She lifted her arms and stood as he helped her get out of her clothes and helped her step into the shower. He was about to leave her to give her some privacy after he turned on the water but she grabbed his hands again, not letting him leave. She pulled him closer, letting him know that she wanted him to join. He sighed, debating with himself whether it was a good idea.

"Jay," she called his name and he gave in, if only so she wouldn't fall and hit her head. He undressed himself and stepped into the small space. Immediately, Erin dropped her head onto his shoulders and wound her arms around him. He tried to ignore how good her body felt against his and focused on taking care of her. He reached for the body wash and helped her, the water cascading down on both of them. After he was done, he helped her out of the tub and wrapped her in his towel and led her to his bed, sitting her down. He pulled out an old t-shirt of his and helped her into it, her wet strands of hair wetting the t-shirt.

After dressing her, he worked to dress himself for the night, his body stilling when Erin came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Erin," he whispered her name but she just held on tighter, like she was burying her face in his muscular back. He managed to turn slightly and Erin eased enough so he could look at her, her eyes more clear than before. The shower had sobered her up more than he realized.

"You need to sleep," he said, trying to get her back to bed. She complied easily enough and she laid down as he covered her with the blanket again. He made to leave the room to sleep on the couch but she stopped him again and pulled him on the bed. Jay, not expecting her in this state to have this much strength, fell in a heap, only managing to stop himself from crushing her with his weight. She scooted to give him space on the bed and instructed with her eyes for him to get in the bed. He laid down next to her and she brought the blanket over him.

"Thank you," she whispered as she burrowed herself against his side. She lifted herself up and looked down at him, their eyes locked on each other. Before Jay could say anything, she bent her head down and kissed him. Jay's eyes closed, getting lost in her kisses again, before he pushed her away gently.

"You're drunk Erin."

She shook her head. "I'm not," she told him, sounding completely sober. Jay shook his head but she held his face and kissed him again. When they finally broke the kiss, she laid her head against his, their noses grazing one another. "We're not nothing, Jay," she whispered. "We're everything."

She captured his lips again and Jay knew that he didn't stand a chance against her. Despite her hurting him and Jay wanting to be mad at her for it, all of his anger and hurt melted away with just a look and a touch from her.


Jay groaned when the sun got too bright and he could no longer ignore the blinding light. He stretched his body, opening his eyes, and he smiled, finding Erin next to him. He reached over to brush away her hair that had become a mess overnight as she went to sleep with her hair wet. But even with the bed head, she was just so beautiful to him, especially the sun encasing her in a warm glow. Her eyes slowly opened and she blinked several times, adjusting to the light. She gave him a soft smile when she noticed him and she immediately scooted closer to him, bringing her head up for a morning kiss.

"Good morning," she mumbled against his lips. He pressed his lips harder against hers, not wanting them to part just yet. He felt her smile into the kiss and she brought her arm around him, pulling him closer to her.

"Thank you for taking care of me last night," she said when they finally pulled apart. He just nodded. "I was probably a mess."

"You're my mess," he said, teasing. She gave him a small smile. "How's your head?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Pounding." He nodded knowingly at her, his arms twisting around his back to get her the aspirin and water he knew she would need. She sat up in bed to drink the medicine and she leaned back against the headrest. "Thanks."

He just nodded again and he sat up next to her. "So…" he began, his voice sounding nervous. "How much do you remember about last night?"

She turned her head to look at him. "Uh…..I don't really remember how I got to your place but I remember pretty much everything after the shower."

He didn't even realize he was holding his breath for her answer until he let out an exhale at her saying she remembered most of what happened, especially the important part. He reached over to hold her hand. "So you remember what you said about us?"

She smiled, lacing their fingers together and squeezing his hand. "You mean how we're everything?" Jay grinned, his eyes brightening at her answer and he leaned over to kiss her. He felt like he was dreaming. Despite his heart practically soaring when he heard Erin saying that they were everything, he had been scared that she wouldn't remember this morning. That her words would just remain a drunken confession, one that he would have to force himself to forget and act like it was never voiced if she didn't remember. But she did and she wasn't regretting it.

He let out an exhale and shook his head like he couldn't actually believe what was happening. He kissed her cheek, feeling Erin's dimple concaving underneath his lips. "Everything," he whispered against her skin. He knew he was probably acting and sounding like a lovesick fool but he couldn't help it. Despite all the rockiness of the past week, it seemed like everything was washed away with her simple words that meant so much to him.

"So…" Erin began, face smiling as widely as his. "Breakfast? I'm starving."

He chuckled and nodded. "Sure. What are you in the mood for?"

"Anything really."

"How about some pancakes?" Erin nodded, grinning. He leaned over to kiss her again. "Pancakes for my girl, coming up. Some bacon too. That'll be a nice good last meal if Voight ends up killing me," he teased.

Erin's smile fell and she grabbed his hand, stopping him. "What do you mean?"

Jay chuckled. "It's just a joke Erin. I doubt Voight will actually kill me. Kick my ass sure. Maybe even toss me back on patrol for awhile."

"You….we…" Erin stuttered, shaking her head. "We're not telling Voight."

Jay frowned at her words and he looked at her. "What?"

"Why would you think that we're telling Voight about us?"

"But I thought...what you said last night," Jay began, feeling his world crash once again. "You said you remembered."

"I do and I meant it." Erin got up on her knee. "But we can't tell Voight."

"So what? We're just going to sneak around some more? Act like nothing's going on between us?" Jay scoffed in disbelief. Erin nodded. "Seriously Erin?"

"Jay…" Erin began, reaching for him and he already saw the rejection on her lips again. Her telling him that nothing had changed between them and he pulled his hand away out of her reach. "We can be together….just in private."

"So what? We're together in private and in public, we're nothing?" Jay shot back. "What does that even mean? You want to fuck me when it's just the two of us but I'm your dirty secret when others are around?"

"It's not like that!" Erin protested. "I care about you Jay. A lot. More than just this, no strings attached thing."

"But you don't want people to know," Jay supplied. "When it's just the two of us, we're a couple but in public, anyone can just hit on you and I'm supposed to just sit back and watch?"

"I'm not a property Jay," Erin scoffed.

"I've never treated you like property, Erin!" Jay argued, his eyes filling with anger. "I'm just not thrilled about having to watch you flirt and kiss some other guys like Severide and pretend as though I'm okay with it because someone we know might be watching!"

"Oh my god, will you please let the whole Kelly thing go?" Erin shouted. "I'm not interested in him. If I was interested in him, I'd be with him. Okay and it would be a hell of a lot easier than this. If I wanted Kelly, I could've had him already like last night!"

Jay reeled back. "You were with him last night, weren't you?" She didn't need to reply, the answer was clear on her face. He stood up, shaking his head. "Then what are we doing here Erin?" He was hurt. He was tired. He was tired of putting himself and his feelings out there only for Erin to toss his feelings back in his face every time. This whole push and pull thing she was doing hurt too much.

"Why can't you just be happy with what I can give you for right now?" Erin asked back. "Why can't we just keep things the way they are? We're good together, Jay. What does it matter if people know it or not?"

She reached for him but he stepped back, unable to feel her hands on his skin right now. Not when this much hurt was coursing through his body at her rejection.

"We're great together Erin." he said, bracing himself for what he was about to say. He wanted to be with Erin. But he was tired of the beating his heart had taken when it came to them. "But I can't do this. Not if you're set on acting like we don't matter. Either we're all in or I'm out. Your decision."

He watched for her reaction, his heart willing her to make the right decision. He waited for her to jump back into his arms and agree to give them a try. A real try. He knew they could be amazing together, if only she would take the leap of faith for him. For them. But his heart dropped to his stomach when she shook her head, slowly getting up from his bed. He knew without her saying a word that he lost her. Maybe this time for good.

"I'm sorry, Jay."

She picked up her clothes off the floor and left the room. Jay sat on his bed and clenched his eyes shut when the door slammed closed, the silence in the room ironically deafening, drowning him in his heartbreak.


AN: I'm sorry! Don't hate me!