Chapter 11
Jess had treaded carefully around Celeste for a while now, watching what he said and did. While he wanted to help her, he didn't want to do anything that could cause her to break down like she had before - somehow he felt those were the times when he felt most vulnerably, like those were potentially the times she might tell her she'd had enough - that whatever was going on with her was something she needed to figure out on her own. And whatever that meant - he simply wasn't sure he could handle it. And in such fear, work was a wonderful escape, but it hadn't really gotten him closer to where he wanted to be.
Evie was wobbling her way along the edge of their leather couch towards Jess, who was casually browsing an issue of New England Review, rather noting what he might read later than actually reading, observing Evie from the corner of his eye. Evie could walk, but still preferred to have something to hold on to to really get to where she wanted to go as quickly as she was able to. But it was kind of cute - often taking a much longer route to get from A to B that it would've required.
Celeste had just made herself a cup of herbal tea, that she was now allowing it to cool by blowing on it on occasion, as she leaned against the dining room wall observing them from across the room.
"Hey, Jess?" she began, feeling suddenly nervous. Jess had just given Evie a new toy from her toy basked, that laid besides the couch, and she was now clearly enchanted with the wooden rainbow arch.
"Yeah?" he said as he looked up at her. She'd been rather quiet the past few weeks too, only really communicating on the daily chores and almost small-talk-like things like 'how was work?'. It was a two way thing - she didn't want to ruin the mood, or outright cry, and he didn't dare to ask. But the comments Celeste had left in his book draft were something - and he'd replied to a few of those comments via Google Docs and kept the conversation alive, some almost just to for that reason. It was what kept some hope alive for him - she did seem to care, she clearly wanted to support him, and he wanted to hear what her opinion was. They were off balance, awkward like a couple who'd been apart for months, distanced and unsure how to exactly return to where they had been. Ever the physical part of their relationship, while wasn't entirely non-existent, just felt off, like either of their minds was in the wrong space.
"Saturday night," she said, taking a deep breath. "Let's go out," she added, her throat suddenly feeling dry. She'd always considered asking someone out a little nerve wracking, and truth be told she really hadn't needed to do that herself in nearly a decade - men sort of always asked her, and while the situation was very different from those times, the tension she felt in her gut felt similar - putting herself out there.
Jess was slightly taken aback by the suggestion coming from her, having not expected it. He had suggested the idea in passing the first time they'd talked, and while she'd said she'd love to, it hadn't really gone further than that - somehow it did not feel right to push it when she seemed so confused herself.
Before Jess had a chance to really respond, she added, "April has the evening off. She's willing to sleep with the baby monitor, I already asked."
Jess sensed the nervousness in her voice, not quite understanding why she sounded this anxious - they were married after all - was she really expecting him to say 'no'? But he could guess that she must've felt like going out on a limb here - even if it was just mentally and he knew it was vital he responded in a way that only supported her, despite wanting to say that she really didn't need to ask or that she didn't need to worry or to show how much hope that simple suggestion gave him.
"Let's," he simply replied, with a crooked smile.
"I have something planned already, but you choose a place for dinner, okay?" she suggested a little cryptically.
"Okay," he replied. He knew without asking that she didn't expect a Michelin star restaurant or anything that involved a black tie, but he did want to make it special, and his brain kept working on the ways to do that. It took in fact up every spare moment in his mind for the next couple of days.
When Jess had slipped out a few hours before they were supposed to go out on that Saturday, leaving Celeste a little puzzled. But perhaps it was good to maintain some mystery for now. But pondering about where he'd gone had kept Celeste's mind occupied while she got ready, Evie playing on the floor of her bedroom while she did, not wanting to bother April more it was absolutely necessary. Offering April the basement apartment had proved to be much more of a perk for them than they'd ever anticipated, having someone nearby to help when they needed it. She'd even taken out sick days a few times, that they'd compensated, if they'd really needed her to help out, and she didn't seem to mind as long as it didn't interfere with her classes.
She'd decided on a red plaid skirt that raised a bit higher on one leg to go with her black tights and silk blouse, and her wide-heeled black ankle boots. This was not her hottest outfit, but that was not the plan - she needed a connection of minds more than the physical which had never really been a huge issue for them.
"Celeste? Are you ready?" April asked as she peeked through the doorway of her bedroom, Evie already stretching out her arms towards her.
"Almost," Celeste replied, seeing Evie already playing with her glittery sweater. April had a way with kids, actually having gotten a few sweaters and rings just for those purposes, knowing how kids seemed to be attracted to all things like that, providing them something to play with while she wanted them to stay still for a few minutes.
"He's downstairs, you know. He looked nervous, had gotten flowers and everything," April explained. While she knew they were going out because they hadn't in a while, she didn't really know how serious things were.
They'd talked when they first dated about how Celeste couldn't stand guys who brought flowers to dates and expected them to carry them around the entire evening, but here the gesture, even though it hadn't happened yet, felt refreshing, romantic even, making her smile at the prospect. Besides here she had the option of leaving the flowers at home.
Celeste applied some modest rust colored lip ink as the final touch, not that she really ever wore a lot of makeup, and attached a pair of simple pearl studs, adding the final dot on her apprearance for the night.
She kissed Evie goodbye and headed downstairs, inside also fearing leaving her a bit - other than those first night at the hospital, she really hadn't spent a night apart from Evie, and it did make her a little anxious as well.
As she saw Jess, it wasn't the rose-bouquet that made smile, but the fact that he'd finally cut his hair. It had almost been like a running joke between them - him always letting it get too long and her saying that he looked like a hobo with hair that didn't show his ears. It was much like one of their first dates when he'd done that gesture for her, and maybe - maybe he did remember that too.
"Thank you," she said, without Jess saying a word and hugged him, kissing his cheeks like she used to back then, leaving it up to Jess, whether he would steal that third kiss, like he used to.
He clearly hesitated, but stole a small peck anyways - as if scared to miss the chance.
"I like your hair," she added, with a hesitant smile. It was close enough.
He knew she did. And having not really been to the barber in months, it actually felt like the necessary change to move forward from that lowpoint. And he'd been a little surprised himself how trimming of his beard and hair had made him feel and look years younger.
"Ready to go?" he asked, getting her coat from the hanger to help her put it on like a true gentleman.
Celeste nodded, her stomach turning in nervousness - there was so much riding on this.
Jess had ordered a Uber black for them. And while he knew she didn't really care about fancy cars, he did want to emphasize how seriously he too was taking it.
They were almost out the door, ready to get to the car, when she hesitated on her wardrobe asking, "Am I okay to come like this? Where are we going?"
"You look perfect," Jess replied, opening the car door for her. It was clear the ride took towards Manhattan, and the two talked a little awkwardly about the weather and the recent constructions or places that had opened, that they knew of, along the way - having not really been to Manhattan much these days.
When the car arrived in South Village, Celeste couldn't help but to be a little surprised. This was just a few blocks from where she used to live, where they'd even cohabited for a while, before the past had caught up with her. But despite the memories that had driven her from this neighbourhood, she did have fond memories from these streets - this had been the places where they'd started dating.
"It's been a while," she sighed as they stood out in the street, observing their surroundings. She felt a little sentimental and it showed.
"Are you okay? Or would you rather go someplace else?" Jess asked.
"It's good, I swear," she replied, wrapping her arms around him in assurance, swallowing any trace of her tears that had been forming in her throat.
They went to a Cuban restaurant that they'd been to before a few times, and in that sense it was a safe choice. It was classy but not overly fancy, dark brick walls against white leather.
"So, what do you feel like getting?" Jess asked, reading through the menu.
"Wine?" she asked. After her night of drinking at Logan's party she wasn't really sure what his take on her drinking was. She'd spent the better part of their relationship pregnant or breastfeeding and during the rest she hadn't really drunk much and while they'd had some fun times drinking together too - she didn't want him to think this was some new her or something.
"Red?" he suggested, getting a nod in return.
"I think I might try the Camaron a la Criolla. Maybe some starter to share?" Celeste suggested.
"I kind of missed the cheese stuffed yuca balls," Jess recalled from the last time they'd been there.
"Sure, get'm," she replied.
The waiter soon took their order, Jess himself ordering a Ropa Vieja.
As the waiter left, he knew he needed to do something different, feeling as tongue tied as he did, and he reached out for her hand across the table, recalling how her touch always seemed to make things easier back then. And it did. Even without speaking, it seemed to calm them both considerably.
"I loved your comments," Jess said, referring to his book draft.
"Thanks, I loved reading it," she replied.
"The part where you suggested I alternate the locations of the scenes, made perfect sense - I did that already," Jess said.
"You know, you really don't have to work on it at night. I know what I said, but that was before I know you were writing a book. It's important to me that we spend time together, but it doesn't have to be something you need to hide or do from your own sleep time. This is clearly important to you, and I want you to do it," Celeste assured.
"Thanks. But it doesn't feel right…," he said, meaning that he was scared to leave her alone just the same.
"Trust me, okay? I'd rather you slept well, you've been so tired, I can tell," she explained.
"Okay," he relented, not wanting to make this into an argument.
"Have you ever thought that maybe you'd be happier if you just wrote?" Celeste asked after the waiter had brought over their wine and she had taken a sip.
"It hasn't ever really been a viable long-term option," he replied. His writing had always been a sort of side job, something he'd done after hours or during some shorter holiday or sabbatical periods, that he'd managed to get.
"Yeah, but there are authors who live from that, aren't there?" she asked.
"But they basically spend the year writing, and then followed by book tours and PR, and then start all over again. I've once seen a guy like that - the fear in his eyes when he had a writer's block for a couple of months - that's not a nice prospect. He doesn't write, he loses his book deal," Jess explained the harsh reality.
"I guess," she sighed.
"I just don't like that kind of pressure. My stuff just comes or it doesn't, I've never been very good with being hurried or pressurized by deadlines," he added.
"I get it, I guess," Celeste replied. "Do you feel now that I pushed you into this?" she asked after a few moments. She knew it was more complicated - all with her age and Evie, but she couldn't shake at least some of the guilt that maybe in her own way she had pushed him into this.
"No," he replied sternly, feeling a little upset by the fact that she even had to ask that. But he realized that she too was insecure in all of this, and he just hoped his assurance was enough and she wouldn't need to worry about it anymore.
"Sorry," she apologized, sensing the change in his tone.
"You and Evie are the best things to ever happen to me, better than Truncheon, better than any book I ever wrote, better than my mother's decision ever to send me to Stars Hollow or to have me in the first place," he added, trying to keep his voice low.
Celeste stared at the table, fearing what she might do if she made eye contact. As an attempt to assure him that she'd heard him, she slid her fingers along his palm. He observed her, and her hand, the rings on her finger reminding him of their journey even more.
They were jolted out of their zone as the appetizer arrived, their physical bond breaking.
"So what else did you have planned for tonight? Maybe I should've been the one asking if I was dressed alright for it?" Jess asked, lightening the mood a little, after having eaten his part of the meal. He'd chosen a simple pair of dark business jeans and a dark-grey V-neck sweater - perhaps not very classy but comfortable and tidy.
She'd considered keeping it as a surprised, but she relented, feeling like it really wasn't that big of a deal. "I wanted to go ice skating, actually," she said.
"Huh," he exhaled. "I never really pictured you on skates," he admitted.
"Well I've only been on them once actually as a kid, but it's something I'd like to learn," Celeste suggested.
"I'm no Todd Eldredge either, but sure," he replied. He'd never been lucky enough to play hockey or anything like that, but he'd been over to a few rinks in his lifetime, but he wasn't going to mention that it wasn't the first time he'd done it as a date.
"Good, then it's less embarrassing for me," she chuckled, luring a smile out of Jess as well.
They talked a little about other people in their lives - about Rory having twins and going to Maine with Logan, about Luke and Lorelai who were getting used to Leo, a little about April and of course Evie wasn't forgotten either.
"It's funny how we take a night off and then we still talk about her," Jess pointed out.
"Yeah, but can you blame us?" she replied, adding, "she's too cute."
"Can't argue with that," he added.
"Has having Evie, well her growing up as she is now, been like you imagined?" Celeste asked.
"More or less, I guess I didn't realize before how tiring it can be sometimes, or the way she's the real boss you know - deciding when we eat or sleep," he explained, taking another bite.
"Did you?" he asked after having observed Celeste wondering why she was asking something like that.
"I guess, I don't know - I just didn't expect it to be so all-consuming I guess. I read some article where they claimed motherhood should really be called 'otherhood' as in relentless caring of others. And I know plural doesn't really apply in my case, but I can see how must've been a little naive to think that having her would just mean that I'd be 'done', you know. But clearly - there needs to be something more," she explained.
"You always seem to handle it so well," Jess noted, in his way apologizing for not having noticed earlier that she wasn't handling everything as well as he'd thought.
"I guess I did, but I sort of forgot about myself. Sure I go to pilates or whatever, but that's just that - it isn't a goal," she explained, hoping to keep the conversation deep but not deep enough so it would hurt.
Their main courses were brought to the table, and Jess topped off their wine glasses. The wine was definitely helping him relax a little too, he just hoped he wouldn't lose his filter and end up saying something that he meant well but she would take the wrong way.
"So what is your goal?" he asked, after digging into his dish.
"I don't have one big goal yet, but Rory helped me a little. So I guess I have a lot of really small goals, some bigger than others," she said, taking another bite.
"Would you tell me? Please," Jess asked.
"Well for tonight - it was ice skating and taking care of us," she replied, gesturing between the two of them.
"So what does 'taking care' mean actually?" he poked a little, curiously to what her expectations were.
"This - talking, I think this is what we've been missing most. Re-connecting. Whatever else.. That'd be a bonus," she explained. "I just mean that I think we need to do some maintenance on us… like taking the car to the dealer's or going for a health check-up, you know, but I'd prefer to keep therapists out of it if we can," she added.
"That just sounds sort of clinical," he replied, with a focused frown as he continued to eat.
"Yeah, but you do see why it is necessary, don't you?" she said.
Jess wanted to say that he agreed, and he certainly didn't mind taking the time to talk and spend time with her, but in his mind things already were working. Sure they could talk more than they had, but to him this was already more than he'd ever expected to make of it. It wasn't like he had any very serious reference of long term relationships, not up close at least. And those that he knew of, he didn't know they took knowingly time to 'maintain' themselves, hence the concept felt a little unnatural to him. But this seemed important to her, so he wasn't going to say anything so she wouldn't get the idea that he didn't care, because that he did.
"I guess," he replied. Her not being happy was reason enough.
"And then I guess, once I figure out what that is, I think I need to start thinking about going back to work - in some form at least," Celeste added.
"Any thoughts so far?" Jess asked curiously. It had truly been more than a year since they'd last talked about these things, and realizing he really didn't know what she wanted, other than some hints he'd heard from Rory, did make him a little worrisome.
"I know I don't want anything that draws too much attention to me - so PR, unless it is in the form of some desk job, is out," she replied with determination. This however meant that she was discaring what she'd been trained to do and had experience to show of.
"You could just come back to do events for us, you know, like you did before," he suggested.
"Yeah, I figured, but I don't think that's going to be enough. I need some challenge," she explained, having at least set herself a goal that she needed to do something more, leaving it was nonspecific as that.
"You want to go back to school or something?" he asked.
"Not for a degree, maybe some courses," Celeste replied, having not really decided anything yet.
They continued to talk a bit on the different things she'd considered, and some other things on her list and once they'd eaten they they paid and headed out to the street.
"Do you mind if we walk?" she suggested.
"Sure," he agreed. Her love for moving herself, was one of the things that he always liked about her - it was something that came so organically to her, as if staying still was more difficult than moving. They continued to talk a little about her idea of taking a vacation with Jess and Evie in the summer, maybe going to a beach somewhere. He was never much for beaches, but it wasn't something he was unable to enjoy - even if that simply meant reading a book under a shade somewhere.
"What do you want?" Celeste asked suddenly, as they walked by City Hall park, heading towards Winterland Rink.
That question threw Jess a bit, letting the silence carry for a while.
"You haven't thought about it?" she added a few minutes later, trying to see where his head was.
"Not lately," he replied. Of course he wanted her to be happy, he wanted them to be okay, but that was not what she was asking.
"But are you happy - doing what you are doing?" Celeste inquired, stopping at their path for a moment, looking at him.
He shrugged.
"Are you happier doing what you are now than when you worked in Philly?" she specified.
"I have more freedom when it comes to what exactly I do, but as for the administrative tasks, as much as I've tried to delegate those, they're not particularly for me," he replied. The thought process did complicated the way he thought of what he did - had he just been caught up in something that wasn't making him happy? Maybe that had even been the route of the problem that had made him distracted and not notice what was going on with her?
"I want you to be happy, I want you to know that. And don't take this the wrong way - but you haven't seemed happy in a while," Celeste replied, sounding concerned.
Jess shrugged again, unsure what to say to that. Maybe she was right?
Celeste worried that perhaps this had been the wrong time to bring this up, based on the lengthy silence that followed. She almost considered ditching her original plan, but the way Jess' ungloved hand, that he'd kept in his pocket before took hold of her hand soon enough, calmed her.
It was perhaps fifteen minutes later, when Celeste stepped onto the ice in a pair of rental skates, her body stiffening in an instant, feeling very much out of her element.
"I'm not so sure this was a good idea," she said as she attempted the first glide, her legs shaking as much as her voice, her hand still holding onto the railing.
"You'll be fine. I've got you," Jess replied, holding her other hand, feeling a little awkward himself, but he at least could stand more or less upright unless he made sudden movements.
He tried to bend his knees a little, taking a few easy strokes, pulling her along slightly.
"Don't do that, I'll fall," she scolded playfully at the speed that was probably still slower than average walking speed.
"Come on, you can let go of the railing!" he encouraged Celeste.
"I don't think I can," she worried.
"You're just like Evie you know," Jess smirked at her, comparing her to the way Evie liked to walk along the edges, letting her do it her way, getting a burst of laughter in return. It felt good to laugh, and for Jess to see her laughing.
It took perhaps fifteen minutes for her to begin to feel a little bit more confident, at least able to keep her legs steady more or less, having gotten used to the friction of the ice, and she let go of the railing, putting her trust in Jess to keep her upright.
"There you go!" he cheered, feeling some strange inner pride for her small achievement.
"Just don't let me fall," Celeste said, her voice still quivering a little.
They took a few longer glides, Celeste still sliding with her legs placed a little wider than would seem comfortable, trying to keep herself upright. The rink wasn't very big, and they'd already done at least ten rounds around the place, the motion getting a little boring. Jess led her to the side of the rink, pulling her close to him, as she really didn't know to slow her glide herself. The last bit of her glide came as a bit of a thump, crashing into him.
He glanced over her face, slowly stroking her cheek still amazed how he'd ever managed to stumble upon her. Because even if his work didn't make him happy, it was her that did, even with her issues.
Her arms were wrapped around his chest, not wanting to let go - both for the hold itself and in fear of falling if she did.
The kiss was innocent and a little hesitant, almost like most first kisses were, but like their first kiss had never been. The feel was right, familiar and but still held back.
"You know, I see the way you look at me…," Celeste began.
"And what way is that?" Jess asked.
"Like I'm going to shatter," she replied, hesitantly.
"Can you blame me for not liking that prospect?" Jess asked in return.
Celeste looked down at his coat buttons, scared to look at him and not really knowing how to respond to that.
"I love you," he said simply, stroking her back as he did. "But it hurts to see you like this. And frankly I'm just scared," he admitted quietly.
"Scared of what?" she inquired, having definitely picked up on that before, but to her it was the question that she hadn't been fully able to answer all this time.
"That you'll tell me we're through, that this is not enough for you," he confessed.
"Oh, Jess," she sighed, trying not to cry. "I'm here, aren't I? I do love you, that hasn't gone anywhere. But I just think I need to find a way to love myself again, find who I am and what I want to become," she explained. She knew she couldn't really make a promise that she'd always be there - they'd even spoken about things like that years ago, that these promises while meaning well, usually just ended up hurting people and marriage had already been almost past that comfort zone thought without any hesitance at the time.
"Okay," Jess replied simply, acknowledging her words. He couldn't disagree with that.
"Let's go home, okay?" she suggested, after burrying herself against his chest once more.
