AN: J/C chapter today - and sorry if it feels like I am stuck in some mindset with the two of them, depression is not a easy thing to read/write, I'm just trying to make it a logical transfer to the future events. But I'll promise I'll balance it out with some more fun stuff tomorrow.

Thanks for the reviews!


The three of them had gone swimming that day, and as Celeste had taken a quick nap along with Evie to catch up on her missed sleep from the night before, Jess had gone to the gym - spa treatments not quite being his thing. He couldn't deny that taking a break from the hustle of the city had its perks from the perspective of some alone time as well. Sure, being at work - the part of work that he truly enjoyed - was almost like alone time if he was given the chance to concentrate, but other than his own time was just as scarce as Celeste's. After some more time at the playroom, the Legos and bouncy animals being a popular draw, and a wonderfully rich but nutritious dinner, offering pavlova rolls for dessert - one of Celeste's favourites - they'd gone for a walk around town that had turned off a lot of the street lights, allowing the festival lights and the stars above to illuminate it enough. Celeste, being a big city girl, after all, had honestly very little experience with small town festivals like this, and to her it had quite a draw - it's cosy and romantic feel definitely making her appreciate Lorelai inviting them. A small three-person band had set up in the gazebo, lit by numerous string lights contouring it's form, playing some quiet acoustic indie and some folk-inspired songs, setting a cozy and romantic feel. As Jess wasn't really subject to any of the town's craziness this time, Evie, who had pretty soon fallen asleep in her stroller, having been a good distraction to keep people away and getting just friendly smiles and waves in greeting, he almost could've admitted that as a parent the place wasn't half bad.

"So..," Jess hesitated, as he joined Celeste who had positioned herself into a modern rattan lounge couch that was placed on their private porch at the Inn with the complimentary bottle of Merlot and two glasses, catching her snuggled up in her winter coat and a woolen throw blanket, not quite wanting the day to end.

"So..," Celeste repeated after him, teasingly.

Jess sat down next to her, opened the wine bottle and poured its contents into their glasses.

"Glad we came?" she asked, carefully. It hadn't been anything truly and deeply romantic like the last time they'd been here, hence she couldn't help but to wonder whether he was a little disappointed. Sure, staying at a strange place with a toddler had it's challenger but overall it had turned out not half bad.

"I am, yeah," he agreed, taking a sip of wine, allowing the tannin to linger on his tongue.

There was a stretch of silence, the two of them just drinking their wine and observing the sky, that while still influenced by some light pollution from the town was significantly clearer than at home, showing a nice view of the stars as they enjoyed the surrounding silence, which was rare.

"We should really go on holidays more often, you know," Celeste suggested, recalling the list she'd started with Rory. Little by little the list had grown almost twice as long. She realized that she needed there to be things to look forward to, aiding to give her purpose.

"We really haven't really been anywhere properly, have we?" he replied, regretfully recalling their impromptu Paris trip being not the most traditional kind with the legal stuff Celeste had been put through by her brother Henri and them finding out she was pregnant, which resulted in her focusing on keeping her food down. There was a quick trip they'd made to Venice Beach to see Jimmy, but that wasn't much of a holiday either.

"Yeah, but in the summer she was just, what, 5-6 months, I was a zombie, you were working - it wouldn't have been a holiday anyways," Celeste recalled the previous summer.

"Still, we should've found some way," he added, feeling a little guilty. He still blamed himself, for having dropped the ball like that. Sure he understood that he wasn't responsible for everything, but he could see his part in it - maybe if he'd paid more attention to her before, they would be in a better place right now.

"We'll make it up for it," Celeste replied, snuggling into his side, feeling at least some hope and wanting him to feel that too, his arm going around her back on instinct. Celeste pulled the blanket she'd had on her legs over Jess' legs too, to keep him warm.

"So where would you like to go?" Jess asked, realizing they hadn't really ever talked about things like that, quite surprising him that there were still things uncovered between them, making a mental note to find them.

"I'm not a huge fan of the beach, don't get me wrong, but I kind of miss a good beach holiday, you know - something safe enough for Evie, but maybe nice white sands and… I'm not even sure what the color is called in English - 'azur' - water," she explained.

"I think in English azure is more like the color of the sky, but I can imagine what you mean," he replied. "You know, there's a bluish-green color that's called 'celeste'," he added, recalling it from one of the books he'd edited a while back.

She replied with a smile, appreciating that he'd made the connection. It was sweet.

He took another sip of wine.

"So where would you go?" Celeste asked and took a sip of wine herself. She wanted to keep the conversation going, the topic was light enough, but still opening themselves up to each-other, hoping to avoid getting to the heavier stuff.

"You know, I've never really travelled much for fun - sure conferences and such, but besides the few Mexico trips or Costa Rica I've been on with some exes, I haven't really been anywhere," he admitted.

"Auch - so you've been to vacation with your exes but not your wife," Celeste replied teasingly, feeling their short, and otherwise eventful, timeline working against them on this.

"Sorry, it's not like we have had a lot of time for it," Jess replied without thinking. But naturally it was the truth and she knew it.

"Yeah, but we should take the time," she replied after a moment's pause. She pondered maybe it had been all her fault - hurrying things up like she had, asking him to jump right into this. Maybe things would be different if her own expectations were less grand?

"I agree," he admitted, having thought about it a lot lately. The work he was pushing through hadn't really been making him happier than he'd been just as an editor and that was something Celeste had been right about. Some of that responsibility had been inspiring, but a constant flood of it was not maintaining that excitement.

"So where would you like to go? If it could be anywhere - dream big!" she insisted, wanting to peek into his mind. While they had discussed his book a few nights a week these past weeks, she still felt like there were bits he wasn't sharing. She wasn't sure whether those things just didn't exist or he didn't think about things outside of his daily life, or whether there was some reason he kept them to himself. She wanted to feel like she really knew him again, to regain that connection little by little.

"I think I haven't been to enough places to really know what I'd like - maybe something Arabic, Scandinavian - anywhere really," he listed with a shrug. All he could really think about was getting to experience the locations of his favourite books, but as he knew from experience with New York - in most cases these places tended to be quite disappointing in real life. He never really got the need to see famous sights - unless they involved some experience besides taking a photo - the internet was full of photos, nobody really needed another one of the same object.

"Hmm.. I'll have to set you up with a world tour one day then," Celeste suggested, optimistically.

Jess wasn't really sure that was 'him'. But as his way of meeting her half way, he replied, "sure," with a slight chuckle. He did like her enthusiasm, seeing that was refreshing.

"I'd love to see you in a bikini on a beach though," Jess mentioned with a smirk.

"I think my bikini days are quite through, but thank you," she replied. Her laparotomy scar, while a lot lighter in color by now, still made her a little self conscious in public.

"Hey," he tried to sooth her, brushing his finger along her cheek.

"It's fine, it's because of it that I am alive," she added.

"I know," Jess sighed, the feelings he'd felt the hours after Evie's birth having been the scariest he'd ever felt. He kissed the side of her head.

"I hope you are doing better, you know…," Jess said, after clearing his voice, having gotten caught up in the emotions of Evie's birth for a moment.

She sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat to keep it together. "I wish I could tell you that I was. One day, today, it's almost good, the next I honestly just feel like crap, I feel like nothing is working, like I'm not appreciating my life, you…there's all this guilt", she explained, adding, "I don't know what I need to do to fix this." Her voice was a little shaky, Jess really not having wanted for her to start crying again, but he'd just felt like he needed to ask.

"I'm sorry," he replied, pulling her closer.

"Hey, I see you trying, I really do - you have nothing to feel sorry about," Celeste insisted, looking him straight in the eyes. She needed him to know that.

"So maybe you'll try to get some help?" he suggested hesitantly. Telling his wife to go see a therapist was not really an easy nor a very polite thing to suggest. But frankly he just hoped there was someone out there that could just flip a switch, hoping that there was an easy fix. He knew that was probably wishful thinking, but a man could hope.

"Maybe," she replied. She knew he was probably right, but she herself kept seeing obstacles - she had some trust issues with new people, scared her old identity might come out down to having to find Evie another nanny so she could do something like that. April couldn't be around all the time and trusting a nanny with her only child felt impossible to her at this point.

"Are you happy that you got things started with Noah?" he asked, a sip of wine later, wanting to keep her talking on some more positive things. He was scared of her silence, of what her inner thoughts were.

"I am, but it's a little scary, you know - trusting him with this," she replied.

"I know what you mean," Jess sighed. "When you were talking to him, I kept wanting to come and see how you two were doing. Almost felt like eavesdropping," he explained smilingly. He didn't like the feeling that Noah could offer her something that he couldn't, but if it made her happier, wasn't it worth it?

"But I swear, if he does anything…," he said, not finishing his thought, sounding clearly defensive, a moment later.

That was a glimpse into that Jess she'd fallen in love with - this rougher side of him. The kind that reacted before thinking. Celeste knew this was almost insane that something like that moved something in her - that she craved for someone who was protective, slightly cocky, demanding and possessive even. Maybe it was just her state of mind that needed someone else to take control. She didn't want to ruin the evening by dwelling on her dysfunctional brain chemistry - there was nothing there that would make either of them feel any better. Instead she kissed him, parting her lips and gently grazing his lips with her tongue, holding on to that slight reminder of that person she'd once gotten to know. He pulled her closed by the back of her neck, the other hand holding her shoulder, almost pulling her top of him. It was the most passion either had felt in a while. Maybe the wine was part guilty for that, letting some inhibitions go, but neither was complaining.

She could feel herself melting into him, tongues grazing each-other, the slight saltiness of his lips making her crave him even more. He backed a way for a few seconds, her eyes remaining closed for a moment longer before fluttering open to glance into his. He could see that her eyes were a little sad - she wasn't well - but if this was what made her feel a little better, who was he to argue. Jess' lips landed on hers again with more urgency, making her moan quietly as their tongues made contact again. She moved her leg over his lap climbing to sit on his lap, never breaking the kiss, pressing her body into his. They continued like that for a while, taking their time, almost like teenagers, as if kissing was the end goal, taking full advantage of simply feeling each other, until Jess couldn't stand the layers between them anymore.
"You feel so amazing," he murmured, pulling her as firmly against him as he could by her waist. That was ultimately the best way to put it - he knew that she was partial to compliments these days, a simple wrong word opening up Pandora's box of emotions for her. But this was him just explaining what he felt when he was with her.

She didn't reply in words, but with a deepening kiss, her mind screaming - "Make me forget, Jess, please. Make me feel. Fix me!"

She got up wordlessly, knowing she needed to hide her face before it betrayed her and she pulled Jess along back indoors, leaving the wine and the glasses out there on the porch without further thought.

The jackets were tossed to the floor, boots hastily discarded, finching for a moment if some of those movements made more sound than expected, not wanting to wake Evie, who was sleeping in the adjoining room.

Celeste took the lead in showing him what she needed. In fear of allowing him to see the slight trail of a few lonely tears on her cheeks that had by now begun to form, she turned her back to him, allowing him to kiss her neck instead, her fingers running through his hair. The unnecessary layers of clothing between them almost removed themselves, his slightly cold hands making her hot skin feel alive, soon enough heating him up as well. His hands were rough, grabbing her hips, breasts and thighs borderline aggressively. Her not facing him was a sign they'd used for a while, it was when she wanted something other than tender lovemaking, she wanted that roughness, and while he would've gladly just caressed her that night, put her first, he wasn't going to argue with her. She was amazing either way and he needed to trust her.

The way his hand wrapped around her waist from behind, and the other brushed against her inner thigh, made her gasp in expectation, the hand continuing to graze closer and closer to her center, feeling her wetness already. He kissed her shoulders, resting his forehead on her back as he bent his knees a little, continuing to tease her - taking control, as she kept her own hands in her hair instead. He yanked aside her panties, the only item left on her, and slid his hand over her, as she bucked back demanding more.

"Jess, please," she whispered, not standing it any longer.

It was all the incentive he needed, the arm that was still around her waist led her towards the bed to kneel on it, adjusting her height just right with the slight bend in her knees. She kept her knees almost entirely closed though, making him grin in anticipation of that tightness she was able to create. He delved into her fiercely, and she welcomed his warm and powerful member with a low moan. While his one hand still held onto her tightly, the other teased her nipple, pinching it and brushing it with the insides of his fingers. He slammed into her again and again making her want to make much louder sounds than she enabled herself at that moment. Every thrust numbed her brain a little more, in the best way possible, making it all about the physical, the knot in the bottom of her stomach beginning to build into something more. She swung back against him as he moved, her head pushed back, making him grunt as the thrusts increased their force until he could feel her walls tightening rhythmically, waves of pleasure washing over her. He didn't really know it was possible but he attempted to speed up even more, giving it his all, wanting to finish within her climax, the tremble within her feeling amazing. As a side result her orgasm carried into another, as he erupted and soon collapsed on the bed besides her.

As the panting subsided, Jess wanted to say something, or even just hold her, but he could tell she didn't, settling on her side of the bed, her back towards him, distancing herself from him. This was not a moment to demand anything from her, so reluctantly he let her be. It was when he heard her breathing change, indicating that she'd fallen asleep, he finally felt like he could breathe a little easier himself - hoping the morning would bring more clarity.


Next morning they were having breakfast, and Celeste had just slipped back to their room to change Evie's diaper, as Jess continued to sip his coffee, while cutting up Evies pancakes for when they returned.

"Good morning," Lorelai greeted him, as she approached their table.

"Hi," he replied, setting his cup down.

"Have you enjoyed your stay so far?" she asked friendlily. The question was almost professional, but as she sat down on the spare chair at the table, Jess could see that she wasn't there really professionally, her clothing being a little more casual as well.

"It's been pretty good," Jess replied, adding, "thanks for inviting us."

"It was my pleasure. And you know you can easily stay a few more hours if you want to swim some more or something, I'll just let the maids know to delay cleaning your room by a few hours," she suggested.

"I think we're good," he added, knowing that they hoped to get home so Evie could nap in her own bed that day, instead of the carseat, where she tended to wake up cranky usually.

"You know, I hope you have the same patience with her as Luke had with me," Lorelai began. "Sometimes we just don't know what's wrong, and that alone can bring a lot of dissatisfaction. From the little she told me, I think she just needs to find herself and figure out what she wants from her life, you know. And speaking from experience, sometimes that just needs to happen independently from the other person. I guess what I just wanted to tell you was that you wouldn't think that that search means she doesn't care, even if that means that she pushes you away or needs some space," she explained, many things that Celeste had said having felt similar to what she'd been going through before her attempt to go do Wild.

"I know she cares, and I'm not planning on going anywhere - I'm trying my best, but I'm not sure that's enough," Jess replied, still feeling awkward discussing it.

"Maybe you're trying too hard?" Lorelai suggested with a shrug. She regretted it almost as she'd said it - it probably wasn't her place to say that - but now it was out.

It was then Celeste returned to the table, and Lorelai really had no way of taking her words back without admitting that she'd meddled.

"Here we go," Celeste commented, as she put Evie in the high chair, and Jess placed the pancakes in front of her.

"Hi, Lorelai, I didn't expect to see you at work on a Sunday," she greeted.

"Hi! Oh, I was just stopping by, forgot something here yesterday," Lorelai replied, almost beginning to leave.

"So how are Luke and Leo?" Celeste inquired politely.

"Pretty good. Luke's been trying out new things with him each weekend - this week it's hockey. But it's really hard to read the kid - whether he likes any of these things or is he just doing them because we suggest them. So enjoy her while she's as cute and cooperative as she is this early on. Though in a few years it's the best age - then she'll tell you exactly what she wants," she added cheerily, sanking back down on the chair for a moment, not wanting to seem rude.

Celeste nodded, unable to reply, as he mouth was full.

"Alight, I better go see how they're doing with the hockey, so everyone still has their teeth, you know," Lorelai chuckled uncomfortably and rose to leave.

"Bye! Thanks again!" Celeste replied, Jess nodding in goodbye as well.

It was safe to say that to Jess Lorelai's words had left a mark and neither the breakfast table or car ride home was the place to discuss it with Celeste. And by the time they got home, he just didn't know what he could say - hence he just kept it to himself. Maybe she was right - maybe space was what she needed?