Preparing for a war and going to war is two different things. I don't think I've ever been this nervous about my performances as a soldier before. Not when we attacked Manticore, not when I was "enrolled" back there and I was spending my days with people who hated my guts, not when I was facing Ames when we were still on opposite sides. Not even when I faced the REDs when they had kidnapped Cindy. Because that's what soldiers do, they lay their life on the line; and win or lose, I always gave it all I've got. Manticore, whether I liked it or not, had given me these abilities. Those parts of myself, I know and I have learned to accept, or to at least to live with them. I'm never going to admit this to Alec, but when I was back in Manticore, I felt that I belonged. Especially on the training mats. There, I was one among others. But fate, or should I say, a crazed scientist, had intervened and here I am, singled out again.
Somehow, I know that Ames can relate to me better than anyone else I know. It's in the way he looks at me, or in the gentle pressure of his hands before he lets me go and stand on my own two feet. I don't know if I can do what they are asking me to do. I don't know if it's in me to commit these killings, because for the familiars, I am a weapon of mass destruction. I know I'm a predator. I was born and bred a predator. But it's one thing to know that about yourself, it's another to be told that with a single thought, you can kill an entire race. Though that's oversimplifying it, as Ian would say. For Alec it's simple : 'it's a kill or be killed world Max! Haven't you noticed yet?' he told me. I'm not saying that they don't deserve it. They do. They really do but some of them don't. Including my children's father. And here we are, on the verge of war. And some of us are going to die. Some of us already died. Like Cece. I guess it was naïve of me to think that we would all escape unscathed from all this mess.
It wasn't hard for Cameron to find out who was responsible for the death of Cece, though technically, she had blew herself and her team out. Still, for me, Edward Reynolds had to pay. It turned out that Mr Governor's actions hadn't been sanctionned by the Conclave. He had a very human reaction to the media frenzy surrounding his eldest son's money laudering scandal, through Chicago's most notorious madam. He was probably chomping at the bit for the familiars to take action but, so close to their coming, the Conclave was more prudent. As a result, he was isolated right now. The "publicity" that Cece had created around them had made them close ranks and until Mr Reynolds toed the line, he was going to be standing alone. Cece's dying, and experiencing with her the last seconds of her life, I felt that I needed to do something, I needed to...avenge her.
But I couldn't just killing him. And really killing him would be too easy. I want to make him suffer. I want him to know that I made him suffer and that I'm going to do everything in my power to make all the persons he cares about suffer. Mr Reynolds was going to be our way in the Conclave. And I was going to either make it really easy for us, or really difficult.
This is where things get...wacky as Joshua would say. If this depended on my performance as a soldier, I wouldn't even break a sweat. But this ...this depended on a muscle that I'm just discovering and I'm not sure that I won't be the one who breaks. If I had at least some kind of reassurance, but Ian was his usual brutally honest self and merely said, "if you don't succeed, we will all die fighting. At least we won't be here for the Coming."
I guess that's true enough and looking at the way humans hurt themselves, it might not be so bad. Losing Normal wouldn't be so bad. But losing Cindy would be. As far as norms go, she was the best and she was my best friend. But wanting my friends and my family to survive was not going to help me. I've never been the girl with the plan, even choosing Reynolds as my point of entry was not a well thought out plan. It was not a bad plan, it was just a plan. Great! I'm psyching myself out. Lydecker would scream in my ear if he could see me.
My other problem was the erratic surge in my power caused by the pregnancy. In Ian's words, my gestation was influencing my thought pattern. I was on my second trimester and my 'tricks' have become easier for me to manage. I just have a 'calibrating' problem. Again, Ian's words, not mine. At least, it created some funny situations. My favorite ones were making Cameron 'take a hike', and telling Matthias to 'go f*** himself ' (which he almost did in front of his class) after he made another stupid comment about how we were raising Ray! Nonetheless, I needed to control my thoughts and the way I said things. It was exhausting though I was starting to get the hang of it. Norms were particularly susceptible to my suggestions and they were going to be pawns in our war. It was imperative that the Familiars believed that the Norms were behind the mediatic problems their figureheads were having. They needed to believe that it was just a smearing campaign from disgruntled domestic terrorists who were unhappy with the current government. People were used to domestic terrorims. And so were the familiars. I know that they even have sleeping agents in those groups. It was not diffucult to make them do some things for us. Because the government's attention was on the Transgenics and so was the Familiars'. They did the grunt work and they took the credit and so we managed to advance our plans faster than I would have thought. But our progress made our time shorter and I still hadn't found a way to save my family. My whole family.
These rebels were soon going to war, without no hope of surviving it. Ames thinks that it's naïve of me to think that I could find another way. And it is naïve to think that way, but I'll keep trying. And if I don't find one, I have to convince Ames to stay behind. I'm sure that I was going to be fine. I was afterall the ultimate weapon of our side and everyone was going to make sure that I stay alive. So far, in all my calculation, each time, the transgenics and I were the only one to get out alive.
Only a handful of the rebels were going to stay behind. Even for that, they had relied on fate. Those who were going to stay behind didn't get their numbers picked in the 'lotery'. Ames didn't even put his number in the hat. He was going, end of discussion, he told me. Stubborn, idiot man! As if I was a fragile woman in need of rescuing! I am no damsel in distress. I guess he knows I'm no damsel in distress. If it were me, I would want to be there too. I know I would be there too. But it doesn't make this any easier.
I have thought of chaining him in the basement here but I know, he would find a way out and then, we'd be back to square one.
I feel like I tried everything. Breathing exercices, stress situations. I can't seem to get back to the state of mind that had allowed me – according to Ames – to glow with power.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ames." I whisper. He is on the other side of the room, but I know that he heard me. His perfect recall of our activities last night is playing in his mind. He just smirks at me and I see myself in his eyes. In spite of myself, I'm blushing and I know he likes that. I'm wondering how is it that he sees a marvellous creature in me whereas, I see a monster, a freak when I look in the mirror. Yet, when I see myself through his eyes I can almost believe that I am this marvelous creature that he believes me to be. He is replaying my climax in his head when the image of Lydecker pops into my thoughts. Me getting my freak on and Lydecker should never be in the same sentence or thought. Nevertheless, he pops again in my mind. Something is not right. Why are so many people thinking about Lydecker. Oh crap! He's here! He is really here!
I see his shock at seeing me pregnant. Not because he's showing it. Norms are so easy to read for me now. I can't believe I have ever been afraid of this man who loves musical. The whole situation is so absurd that I laugh.
"Eyes front soldier!" Lydecker snaps and in spite of myself I stand at attention. And I am that little kid again, terrorized by this man. I know that I'm older now, that I'm not defenseless, that I am stronger, faster, smarter than him, but all of that doesn't matter when all I can recall now is that this man killed my sister and I am paralyzed that he will kill me too. He steps in my space, and Ames puts himself quickly between us.
"What do you think you're doing boy?" spat Lydecker.
How does he manage to do that? Undeniably, Ames could crush him, but he is standing his ground. I can't believe he called Ames boy when I know for a fact that he is younger than him. The whole thing distracts me enough that I can regain my footing so to speak.
"Are you trying to protect her, when she could easily kill me? She is the predator her, son!" he looked directly at me. Without cotempt or judgement. Just cold hard facts. "She's a soldier, and she needs to remember it."
