CHAPTER 6

Rick was up to his knees in the grave that he was digging for Juan; he placed his foot on the shovel's step, dug up a large clump of rich, Georgia dirt, and tossed it onto the pile of dirt outside the grave.

Hershel once asked me how many I've killed, Rick though as he stabbed the shovel's blade into the earth again and tossed out another pile of dirt, but how many graves have I dug?

Rick planted the shovel into the grave like an explorer planting his country's flag on a newly discovered beach, placed his hands on his hips, and remembered all the people he'd buried ever since he awoke from his coma to a world where the dead ate the living:

Amy.

Andrea.

Merle.

Juan.

Rick's mental list, of course, wasn't accurate.

After the walkers attacked the quarry camp outside Atlanta, Rick was so relieved that Lori and Carl survived he hadn't bothered to take a tally of the group members that were killed and whom he helped to bury.

Also absent from Rick's mental list were the two personal losses that he never had the chance to bury:

Shane.

Lori.

Shane was Rick's best friend and his partner on the King County Sheriff's Department. Last year, Rick had been shot in the line of duty, and was lying comatose in a hospital bed, days later the walker virus started. As the walkers spread across the country, Shane got Lori and Carl out of King County and wound up with a group of survivors in a camp at a quarry outside Atlanta. Shane and Lori secretly started an affair, but when Rick miraculously reunited with her, she immediately put an end to it.

But Shane couldn't let go of Lori.

When the group finally found sanctuary on Hershel's farm, Shane lured Rick out into the woods to kill him, but Rick killed Shane instead by stabbing him in the heart. Carl came up on the scene (the murder scene, actually) just before Shane turned into a walker, and put him down (It; that wasn't Shane anymore) with a bullet to the head. When the gunshot attracted the attention of a herd of walkers, Rick and the group were forced to leave Shane's (No, it's) corpse behind.

Lori was the second love of Rick's life (the first was Sheela, whose likely dead now) and they married soon after graduating high school. Their marriage had been strained before the world had gone to shit, and trying to survive together hadn't sprouted any roses. Well, there was the surprise that Lori was pregnant (Rick had discovered the empty packets of birth control, so it wasn't likely Lori was ever going to tell him), but she didn't know if Rick or Shane was the father.

Lori died weeks ago when the prisoner Andrew lured walkers from outside the prison into the courtyard to kill the group. Rick, Daryl, and Glenn had been out gathering firewood when they saw the walkers staggering behind Lori, Carl, Hershel, Maggie, and Beth.

Rick remembered drawing his Colt Python revolver from its holster, and sprinting along the fence line's enclosed pathway towards the door, but as quickly as he ran, it seemed like he was running across a field of quicksand, and with every stride he was being pulled underground.

Rick didn't reach the courtyard in time; Lori, Carl, and Maggie ran back into Cell Block C, and hid inside the boiler room. The shock of the walkers surprise attack made Lori go into labor; Maggie, without any medical tools or anesthetic, performed and emergency Caesarean Section, and brought his baby daughter (no, Shane's baby daughter) into this nightmarish world. Lori bled out, and Carl aimed his pistol and shot his own mother before she turned. Rick was about to lead a second search of the cell blocks when he heard a baby's cry (Shane's baby), and saw Maggie coming down the staircase of Cell Block C with Judith in her arms and Carl walking behind her, with his gun still in his hand, and his Stetson hat covering the grim look frozen on his face.

Rick went temporarily insane after that; he grabbed the axe, stormed into Cell Block C, and proceeded to hack every walker he came across to pieces. By the time Rick came to his senses, Glenn and the prisoners Axel and Oscar had found Lori's body and buried her.

The painful memories stopped; tears ran started to rundown Rick's face, and he wiped them away with his dirty fingertips. A few moments later, Rick realized that the answer to his question about how many graves he'd dug was the same as the one he'd given Hershel: Too many to count.

Rick sighed wearily, placed his hands on his hips, and felt the familiar sensation of his right hand resting atop the walnut grip of his Colt Python revolver. Shit! Rick thought in amazement, I never realized I put on my gunbelt before I stepped out of the cellblock!

Rick unbuckled his gunbelt, rolled it around his holstered service revolver, and held it in his hands. They say once a cop, always a cop, but maybe it's time for me to hang up my gun. This prison can be a home, and we have walls and a new fence to keep the walkers out, so why am I still wearing this gun and acting like Wyatt Earp?

One reason to keep wearing this gun is the Governor: we won the war, but the Governor escaped and his fate is unknown. Michonne went back to Woodbury to kill him, but she found that he'd set the town afire! Michonne just left with Daryl on a second search, but the Governor must be miles away, if he's still alive.

Two reasons for me to hang up this gun are Carl and Judith: they need a father, not a cop. I don't need to be the one giving the orders anymore; Daryl and Glenn have both proven they can help carry the weight.

Besides, the one tally that I'm sure of are the times I've seen Carl nearly die! It's been three times! When Carl was shot accidentally by Otis while we were searching the woods for Sophia, Watching Carl start to slip away in Hershel's house while Lori and I waited for Shane to come back with the medical supplies that would save our boy's life, the parking lot of the El Dorado casino where that card shark Sora Miyaguchi kidnapped Carl and placed the blade of his samurai sword under my boy's chin! Carl's been lucky, but the longer you press your luck the sooner it runs out! I can't have the next grave I dig be for Carl!

And then there's Judith: Lori sacrificed herself so that baby could live! I failed to protect Lori, but I won't fail Judith! I'll see that she grows up to be strong, smart, and I'll tell Judith about Lori, and what a good mother she was for Carl.

A headache started to rumble inside Rick's brain, so he sat on the edge of the grave, laid his gunbelt down beside him, and covered his face with his hands. Judith may also be the last connection I have to Shane, he thought through the pain.

Rick put his hands down, looked up at the overcast sky, and sighed wearily. When Lori confessed that she was pregnant, and that she had an affair with Shane because they thought I was dead, we both agreed that the baby was mine regardless. I do love Judith, but there'll always be a part of me that will doubt she's mine; a part of me that'll always say that Shane is Judith's real father.

Rick sat still for a while, but he finally stood up, and wiped the grass and dirt from the seat of his jeans. Rick then unbuttoned his jacket and placed it beside his gunbelt, and then he pulled the shovel from the ground and resumed digging Juan's grave.

•••

The vestibule door to Cell Block D slid open slightly, and Hershel peeked into the common room, saw it was empty, and knocked on the side of the iron door. "Hello?" he called out.

A few moments later Hershel heard the echo of footsteps coming from the cellblock, and then he saw Donna Boyd appear at the barred door. "Is that you, Hershel?" she asked uncertainly.

"It is, Donna," Hershel answered with a nod. "May I come in?"

"Of course," Donna replied happily, as she opened the barred door and entered the common room.

Hershel slid the iron door fully open, and with a crutch underneath each arm, hobbled onto the staircase landing. "I apologize if I startled you, Donna, but prison doors weren't built with doorbells," he quipped.

Donna laughed lightly. "No, you didn't startle me, Hershel."

"How's Marianna?"

Donna glanced over her shoulder at open doorway that led to the cells. "She's in hers and Juan's…I mean, her cell."

"I'd like to take a look at her; see if she needs any medication."

Donna nodded in approval. "That sounds like a good idea."

Hershel leaned against the staircase's left handrail, held his crutches in his right hand, and took his first cautious step down the staircase.

"Hershel, wait! I'll help you down those stairs," Donna insisted as she hurried across the common room.

"Thank you, Donna, but I've gotten used to doing things alone many years ago; losing a limb won't change that."

Hershel carefully made his way down the staircase and when his foot touched the floor, he slipped his crutches underneath his arms. By then, Donna had reached the staircase and was now standing beside the old farmer.

"You remind me of John: stubborn as a mule, only not as loud," Donna admitted.

"Yes, John certainly made his opinions known to Rick."

"I'm sorry about that. John was U.S. Army, with two tours in Vietnam under his belt. When we arrived at Woodbury he volunteered to join Merle's security team, but the Governor just smiled, patted John on the shoulder and said 'Thank you for the offer, Mr. Boyd, but what this town needs to protect it is young blood'. Oh, Hershel, if you could've seen the look on John's face…"

Hershel nodded sympathetically. "He must've been crushed."

"He was. That's partly why John was so aggressive when he came here; he wanted your group to know that he was a veteran and that he could still be useful."

"Partly?" Hershel pried gently.

Donna lowered her head in guilt. "Well, the other reason was Rick," she whispered.

"Oh?"

"John didn't trust Rick, because he thought Rick was just like the Governor."

Hershel contemplated Donna's statement for a few moments, and then he finally smiled and said, "Donna, I've known Rick Grimes for over a year; that feels like a lifetime considering the state of the world right now.

"When we lost my farm, and some members of our group, Rick became cold. He told us if we wanted to leave, we could go ahead, but if we stayed with him, we'd have to remember that 'This isn't a democracy anymore'". And that's how it went: with Rick making the tough decisions and us following him like a colony of rabbits.

"After the Governor ambushed Rick and I out in that field, I told the group that we should pack and leave. Rick gathered everyone for a meeting, and he surprised us by admitting that how we we live or die wasn't up to him. If we chose to stay here or take our chances on the road, he'd accept that. Rick said he wasn't our governor…and he was right."

Donna nodded in agreement. "I barely know Rick, but I think you're right. He's a good man."

"Yes, ma'am. Now, let's pay Mrs. Zavala a visit, and see if she needs any help."

Donna smiled softly and followed Hershel as he hobbled across the common room and into the cell block as the tips of his crutches snapped against the cold floor.