The Cooper Solution

"How was work honey?"

Penny was sat at the table by the window, she had her hair up in a net and was holding and brushing a black bob cut wig.

Sheldon was in his chair, intent on his laptop.

"Today was Interesting. This morning Dr Gablehauser scheduled a nine am meeting with me tomorrow , which is unusual for him."

"Something important?"

"Very probably. I've checked his schedule and private calendar, he's also invited Janine Davis from HR. From their emails he refers to a solution to the Cooper Conundrum."

"You reading his private email again?"

"Well, if he makes his passwords so easy to guess it's like he's inviting me in."

Penny sighs. "Just don't get caught sweetie"

"Don't worry, I've already disabled the server log in tracking, security is pretty lax. I've already had to kill off one worm virus they had missed. From his temp files I'd say he picked it up from his lunch time private browsing, he has a VPN set up but not enough firewall. I'll push an antivirus update to his system."

"Ever the secret defender in the shadows, aren't you?"

That makes Sheldon smile. "like Batman in Digital Justice"

"Ok, Sheldon" Penny makes sure she has Sheldon's attention, he still has problems with unexpected change. "Ready for the transformation?"

"Ready"

She dips her head forward, puts the wig on then comes up slowly, settling it into place.

Sheldon visibly twitches. She can see his emotions run across his face.

Penny looks different. = This is change. = Change is bad.

He visibly gets a grip. It's just a wig. It's still Penny. He breathes out. Emotions in check, intellect engages

She smiles then starts pulling faces, Smiling, frowning, snarling.

He surveys her critically. "Very impressive. You'll need to be paler though."

"Don't worry, hair and makeup will be sorted." She holds up some character sketches

"they describe it as kind of combat gothic. Pale skin, red lips, heavy eye shadow and a little fleur de lys tattoo on the cheek bone"

"So why the wig? I thought this was more green screen work"

"The director thinks physical props make live action work easier, we'll have the CG put over them to add detail, bulk out the armour and stuff"

"Just like in Iron Man. Talking of physical props and suits, if HR are coming I should wear a suit"

"Wont that tip them off that you know?"

"True, they don't know I know. But I want to make a good impression"

The next day.

Sheldon heads up to Dr Gablehausers office. He'd decided on his green lantern t-shirt out of rotation. It gave him confidence, (he was aware he subconsciously linked it to power and success ) and he doubted Gablehauser was smart enough to have memorized his t-shirt rotation

Knock knock knock. Dr Gablehauser.

Come in!

Panic gripped him. To knock again would be against social convention as he had been invited in, but to not knock brought back unwanted memories.

Thinking quickly he held up his left hand and tapped it softly with his right, whispering Dr gablehauser . Tap tap tap. Dr gablehauser.

Both compulsions fulfilled he opened the door.

"Ah, Dr Cooper. Come in, take a seat."

With him is Janine from HR. There are a lot of papers on his desk. Sheldon reads them upside down just out of habit. Good, no outstanding complaints.

"I know you don't really do pleasantries so I'll cut to the chase. Your work is very important to this faculty but you've been distracted of late. From your recent happy news I can see why, but it looks like you've also been working on string theory, dark matter, pestering Dr Koothropali for Ligo data about astrophysics and running all sorts of esoteric simulations.

Now, your grant is only for research on string theory, so this is risking your funding and position but we think we have found a way for you to stay here but let you research whatever you like.

Sheldon sits forward, excited

Janine explains." It will mean certain responsibilities on your part but we think you're up to it. Over the last few months your personal skills have improved dramatically. So we are thinking of offering you a position."

Gablehauser expands " It's as a junior professor. You would be free to research what you like. And get a raise. But you would need to teach a class for a minimum of 2 hours once a week. "

Sheldon ponders "So I get Intellectual Freedom and I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists? I don't see any drawbacks at all."

Janine gently sighs "you do have a bit of a reputation for being... difficult... with people"

Sheldon nods gravely "I understand. I'll try and go easy on them"

Dr gablehauser stands and extends his hand "Then congratulations Professor Cooper. We'll sort the paperwork and you can start next month."

Back in his office, Sheldon's mind races at the possibilities. Freedom to research as he wanted!

The teaching could be a problem. He calls Penny with the news

"Honey, that's great! Class could be hard but you love lecturing people and judging them. You'll just need to be a bit kinder to them, they'll all be new and stupider than you. Set the bar a bit low to start with, ok."

"I was thinking of crushing them all so I could enjoy telling them how stupid they were"

"Sheldon! That's not fair. You're not training up other geniuses, just think of it as minion school or something."

"Oh, good point, like Professor X training the X men."

She suddenly sounds stern "Sir, you just sounded all dreamy and distracted. Are you thinking of mutating your students? or teaching in a Danger Room with whirling blades?"

"Oh, Danger room. good idea! I could booby trap the room each week..."

"that is SO not a good idea. Maybe booby trap a question rather than anything that'll get you in trouble?

"oh, good idea!"

"Got to go Honey, Love you"

later

Leslie drops in without knocking, Looking smug. She flops down in a chair and says "Hiya Dr dumbass, I need a few favours..."

Sheldon looks up "so, Need help with Leonard?"

"Yeah, sorry about him blowing up like that. He's still an insecure ass. But it's something else"

Sheldon looks at her, judging her pose as arrogant. "Your insecurities mean you only negotiate from a position of strength. What do you think you know?"

"Well after that argument I know a few things about you and Penny that would raise a few eyebrows."

"Ah. And you think that's worse than the Misaligned free electron laser ?"

"What?"

"I heard that was almost a serious Lab accident. Took a week to clean and realign, could have cost us a multimillion dollar instrument. "

She looks nervous "What's that got to do with me?"

"After the faculty mixer, Leonard had his post coital smug face on when he returned, late, with rumpled clothing and the distinct smell of Freon coolant."

"What he does in his own time is nothing to do with me"

"Really. Ask yourself, did he swipe his iD card to get into the lab?"

"Oh fuck. The idiot."

"Don't worry. He often forgets the obvious." Sheldon turns his laptop so she can see the screen. A grainy black and white picture shows Lesley leading Leonard down the hallway to the Laser Lab

"Such as The security camera in the hall that takes one still image every ten seconds. Though I'd have expected better of you." She winces and looks guilty

"I've deleted his card from the entry log for that night and copied blank stills with the right timestamps over these pictures. Leonard thinks he is just lucky some times when he gets away with things. Trust me, it's not luck. I look after my friends, Lesley. "

"I know, I heard about the Rocket fuel incident. So, what now?"

"It would be best for you to be a friend rather than an enemy"

"you suggesting I just surrender?"

"I suggest a cease fire rather than a cold war leading to mutually assured destruction"

"So I forget what I heard?"

"And I hide all proof you had sex on a million dollar instrument."

"And strings vs loop quantum gravity?"

"We agree to disagree."

"Then Deal."

Sheldon holds out a hand and they shake on it.

"Out of interest, was it any good?"

She slumps. "I had high hopes, the element of transgression and all made expectation and excitement really high but Leonard was mediocre at best. He gets nervous too easy, doesn't trust me then gets petulant and whiney. "

"He enjoyed it from his smug demeanour the next morning. "

"Smug little bastard. I'm so going to demote him to monthly use just to keep my biological urges in check. "

"Oh, I advocate regular vigorous coitus as a mental stimulus. You just need to keep him on a shorter leash."

"Metaphorically or literally? "

Sheldon pauses at that mental image and snorts. "Both perhaps. If you need insight into his mental state, here is his mothers email. I've let her know to expect questions about her sons sexual inadequacies."

"Oh, that is a world of wrong! Think she could help?"

"That's an interesting point. Beverley excels at psychological analysis but has little emotional rapport with Leonard, a fault on his part as he's too emotional over perfectly rational family activities."

Sheldon remembers the Birthday Surprise that Penny arranged for him.

he was sitting at his desk, pondering a solution to the Penrose Conjecture when Penny came in, with Beverly Hofstadter following with a small wheeled suitcase.

"Surprise Honey!" Sheldon spun in his seat "Beverley? I'm glad to see you. But how is this a surprise?"

"Your darling Penny here explained you were exploring your reactions to social conventions and so she arranged a birthday surprise for you."

"While my birth was a surprise for Walmart in Galvaston I don't see how this qualifies unless you have a koala in your suitcase."

"Something just as good. I've arranged for you and Penny to get His and Hers matching brain scans"

Sheldon beams "Oh, that is wonderful!"

"And afterwards we'll have cake" Penny assures him "Chocolate, three tier, just as you like"

behind them Leonards voice asks "Mom? I didn't know you were visiting..."

"Oh hello Leonard, I'm not here to see you, I already have scans of your brain"

"He gets all whiney when he feels left out or not given what he sees is 'his due'. I'm sure he was only with Penny to try and compensate for his only inadequacies and felt resentment when she didn't magically fix things and make him feel tall, handsome and successful. "

Sheldon makes a few notes on a post-it-note. "You may benefit from these books, they're most informative. I'll also make you a copy of his browser search history and saved files, so you can get a feel for his tastes"

"All very useful, but that's changing me to pleasure him. I want to change HIM to please ME"

"good point, perhaps operant conditioning? I got him to shut up just by spraying him with water once"

Lesley laughs "I'll give that a try"

"By the way, Are you responsible for the picture of Penny's ass on the Engineering department notice board?"

"Oh, you found their shrine to the warrior goddess? No, they took that screen shot from her three gun video on YouTube. Yoga shorts and firearms, the engineers are in awe. They put the names of all her kills up on there. Getting shot by her is now considered a privilege. You know Wolowitz promised nudes for the board but chickened out? ."

"Yes, I had to have words with him."

"Oh My God He actually has them?"

"Had." Sheldon scowls. "and he will not have any more"