Disclaimer: See my profile.

Reaching Out

He thought he understood pain, but the throbbing in his foot kept all his attention. Spencer couldn't concentrate on anything or anyone.

Below the physical aches lay a darker pain that felt like a gnawing hunger in his gut. Spencer knew the origin of this anguish. Dilaudid. He desperately needed a shot that brought relief from pain and from thinking about torture.

"Choose."

"No."

He could see the opening of the gun barrel as Tobias Henkel pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger.

"No. I won't choose."

Spencer closed his eyes as tears of frustration, exhaustion, and pain slid over his cheeks. His phone rang shrilly and monotonously, as it had every day for two weeks. It was JJ. He ignored it.

She might come to the apartment even though last time he'd ignored her knocking. She hadn't used the key he'd given her months ago, but – he shook his head. She wouldn't barge in if he didn't want her.

Half an hour later, JJ entered his apartment without calling, texting, or knocking. She stood over him, and her red eyes made him flinch away as if struck.

"Go away," Spencer said hollowly.

"No."

"I don't want you here," Spencer said, his voice rough from disuse.

"You can ignore the others, but I won't let you push me away, Spence."

"Please go away."

JJ dropped her purse, coat, and the overnight bag he hadn't seen on the floor and sat next to him.

"You can't stay here," Spencer said.

"I'll sleep on the couch, but I'm not leaving you alone any longer. It's been nearly two weeks."

"JJ, please."

Spencer hated the whine in his voice. Now he despised everyone and everything in the world. He yanked away from JJ and tried to get to his feet. His broken foot wore a walking cast, but walking still felt like stepping on glass.

"No," JJ followed him into his bedroom, where he lay down on the bed and curled into a ball with a pillow in his arms.

"Go away," he said into the pillow. "Please. I need to be alone."

"No," JJ repeated. "I will not go away and leave you."

Spencer sat up so quickly, JJ nearly fell off the bed. "Get out," he shouted. "I don't want you here. I don't need you or love you. Please leave me alone."

Tears welled into her blue eyes, and somewhere below the savage craving for a drug that could bury him alive, he felt guilt and pain that churned his gut into knots.

"Spence, let me help you. I know you're suffering. Please don't push me away."

"I said I don't need you, JJ. Go. Now!"

JJ wiped her eyes and then nodded. "I'll go, but I will be back."

She reached into her pocket and threw down a slip of paper that looked like it had been crumpled and then smoothed flat.

"You know where to find me."

Spencer stared at the piece of folded paper. He knew it was a note, but he didn't want to read it. He had enough common sense to see that JJ had written it then discarded it, and now she'd decided to give it to him despite the crumpled appearance. Why?

He ignored it and limped out to this living room; JJ was gone, not hiding in his kitchen or behind the sofa. He felt distinctly happy and profoundly sad that she left. He could still smell the sharp scent of her shampoo and the flowery odor of her perfume. For the first time in days, he didn't notice the ghost of rotting leaves and burning fish hearts that seemed to linger in his mind.

He looked at his messenger bag and could almost see the glass bottle that held the answer to the tearing ache in his gut and his head.

Take it!

Instead, he limped back to his bedroom, swept up the note, and read it. He dropped onto his bed and began to weep.

CMCMCMCMCM

JJ unlocked the door to her small rental cottage and put down her purse and bag. Two days had passed since her last conversation – fight – with Spencer. He refused to speak to her, and she was trying to gather the courage to go back to see him.

Garcia and Morgan had tried, as had Emily, Gideon, and Hotch, but he continued to ignore them. JJ felt tears well up in her eyes, and she wiped them away impatiently. She wouldn't cry again. Spence didn't want her around anymore – her eyes fell on her pile of mail, and she noticed an envelope in the middle that hadn't caught her attention. It was a familiar shade of brown.

JJ snatched up the stack and then let it drop. Anger still swirled in her chest like a poisonous breath of foul air. She didn't want to read what he had to say. She didn't want to feel sympathy after he'd treated her so horribly. She didn't want to hear the excuses he might present to her.

She went to her bedroom, tore off her clothes, and went to take a long, hot shower. An hour later, she brought a cup of caramel tea to her living room, sat on the sofa, and tried to ignore the letter pile on her floor.

JJ put down her drink, went to the mall, and picked up Spencer's latest letter. She opened it slowly as if terrified something might reach out to grab at her throat. The single sheet of paper fell into her lap. She unfolded it, read it, and began to cry.

Dearest JJ,

I love you too. I'm sorry.

I need you. Please don't walk away.

Spence.

JJ dropped the short note and picked up her phone.

"Hi," she said and began to listen.