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A/n I have changed cannon a bit, as you will see. I decided that Spencer may have beaten his addiction with JJ in his life before it had the chance to take hold of him. This chapter takes place after "Jones."
Back From the Brink
JJ found Spencer sitting on the steps of her porch despite the cold March wind that teased his hair. She stood in the doorway and watched him shiver a little and pull his coat around his thin torso. He'd lost weight in the month following Georgia.
"Hey," JJ softly said as she approached from behind. "You want company? "
Spencer shrugged, and then he turned, and something in his eyes made her throat sting. "Sure," he said.
JJ sat next to him and reached for his hand. He didn't resist her touch as he had for weeks, but he didn't squeeze her hand or acknowledge her attempt at affection. Spencer didn't speak, so JJ stayed watching the sunset. The sky faded from blue to orange, gold, and purple over the homes around them. Shadows lengthened, and trees lost their definition to become two-dimensional and pure black.
"JJ," Spencer said, and she jumped a little.
"Hmm?"
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course?"
"When I – um, when I was in that little shack, one thing I kept thinking about was the last time we watched a sunset together. Do you remember?"
"Yes. That night after we returned from Chicago. After Morgan's arrest. We sat out here and talked about the case and Morgan and everything that we thought we knew about – life."
"I couldn't stop thinking about what happened on that trip. We were together, and yet I felt so much closer to you, and I couldn't figure out why."
"I understand," JJ said.
"I feel like I've changed so much in the months since that morning. I don't want to be different."
JJ put her head on his shoulder and happily sighed when he shifted and put an arm around her. "Spence, you're not different, but you are stronger. You've made it through terrible trauma and its aftermath. You amaze me."
"I still feel shaky. When we went to New Orleans, and I talked to Ethan, he helped me see things with more clarity."
"Like what," JJ asked as she breathed in the scent of him that permeated his clothing.
"Like you. I know that I frightened you terribly. I am so sorry."
"Spence, you don't have to apologize."
"Yes, I do. It was my first case after - and all I could think of was how much I wanted to go back to my addiction. I missed the plane with Morgan and Emily, and I nearly lost you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Come on, JJ. I saw the way that Detective La Montage looked at you and how he tried to flirt with you. I was so afraid that you would choose to end it and start over with someone that didn't have as much trauma."
"Spence. Look at me."
JJ waited for Spencer to turn his head and meet her eyes again. He finally looked at her, and she saw the genuine surprise that she hadn't walked away from him, and it hit her hard in the gut.
"Hear me now, Spencer Reid. I love you, and no one is going to change that, not you and not a southern detective with a mildly interesting accent."
"So, you admit you found him attractive."
"Spence, what do you want me to say? Yes, he was cute, but he's not you. There's no one like you, and if you don't trust me – "
Spencer stopped her with a kiss. It was the first time he'd kissed her since leaving the hospital. He reached out and cupped her face with his hands. "Let's go inside."
CMCMCMCMCMCMCM
JJ tucked a bit of hair behind her ears as she sat staring at the dreary day outside. It was raining hard, and everything had a gray, white and black overtone as if she'd become lost in an old-time photograph or silent film.
She picked up her stationery and tapped her pen on her mouth. Spencer slept through the pounding of the rain on the roof, and she was glad as he hadn't slept well in weeks. Spencer had attempted to convince her to let him sleep on the couch, but she'd said they could share a bed like mature adults.
JJ sighed and began to write down the thoughts that had circled in her head since they'd returned from New Orleans.
Dearest Spence,
I don't think I've told you over these last weeks how strong and brave and wonderful I think you are. You survived something I can't imagine or begin to understand, and you came through to the other side.
I love you so much, my beautiful Spence. You continually amaze me with your inner light and your mental toughness. I know you disagree with me. You'd say, "How can I be mentally tough when I barely left Georgia sane."
You are remarkable, Spence. You're the best man I know, and I want you to know that I hope we see many sunrises and sunsets together.
I'm always there for you, no matter what life throws at us.
With all my love forever,
JJ.
She snuck into her bedroom and found Spencer still sleeping, and her heart squeezed a little. He looked so relaxed for the first time in weeks that it brought tears to her eyes.
JJ kissed the letter, then left it on her pillow for him to find. She decided to make him his favorite coffee and then go out for bagels. She lightly caressed his cheek and whispered. "Sleep as long as you need my Spence. I love you.
JJ left the room and thought about the weeks and months to come. It wasn't going to be easy, but she swore that she'd stand by him no matter what obstacles they might find.
