"You're not going to, like, kill them or anything?"
"Thanks for the faith!" Alex complained, whisking the cake batter in the mixing bowl a little more aggressively. "I wouldn't do that."
"Well, no, probably not. But what are you going to do?" Tom peered down his own bowl with a doubtful look. "Does this look right to you, by the way?"
"Not even a little bit. And I'm just going to mess with them a little. Nothing too serious. It'll be mostly psychological."
"Right…" Tom poured a huge splash of milk into the bowl and then haphazardly threw in a handful of sugar. "I just mean, they are teenagers now. And they were kids at the time, so they might have changed?"
"They might have, yes, which is why before I take any actions I am going to perpetrate a month-long reconnaissance operation to make sure I understand what I'm dealing with."
Tom made a yikes expression and Alex put down his bowl to demand defensively, "What? What's with that face?"
"Nothing! Nothing! I mean…. Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose? But also like… are you sure that's… a good idea?"
"What do you mean? You wanted me to make sure."
"No I did, I did. But also, like….you're trying to get away from doing that type of stuff, right?"
His fingers clenched around his spatula and Tom hurried on.
"I'm just worried that it's not super healthy for you, after everything that you've been forced to do. You don't think it'll make you feel paranoid or more anxious or anything, or, I don't know, bring up any bad memories…?"
The spatula creaked in his grip.
His first instinct was to lash out, yell at Tom and storm out of the room. Why was he saying things like that? It was stupid and bringing up what had happened was what was going to make him feel bad, not anything else and now he was upset but it was all because of this dumb conversation and—
And then he took a deep breath and forced himself to peel his fingers off of the spatula. He had hunched over, pulling the bowl in close to protect his stomach. He hadn't even realized. He straightened. Shit.
Alex had never before in his life yelled at Tom, and he wasn't about to start now. His best friend had… issues about raised voices.
And Tom was just looking out for him.
And… maybe he was right.
Well, he was probably right, actually.
If just a question about it would make him so upset, he should probably at least give it some consideration.
"Maybe," he admitted slowly. "But I feel bad not doing anything. I feel… jittery inside. Like I need to do something and I'm not going to relax until I do. Also they were awful to Ruiha and there needs to be vengeance."
"How Batman-y!" Tom joked, but then the grin on his face slipped and lilted. "You know, Jerry thought you had an adrenaline addiction for a while, right?"
"What?"
"Yeah." Tom shrugged, as if he hadn't just totally upended Alex's view of life. "With the fighting with your guardians and the jumping off roofs and the scaling of a four story building to break into a person's bedroom to slip 8 literal spiders into their bed… You juggled knives last week, Alex."
"James dared me to."
"You could have said no."
"That's not how the game works—"
"That's always how the game works. We've never pushed you to do or say anything that you really don't want to. We're not dicks! But Alex, I don't think you've ever chosen not to do something dangerous."
He was getting defensive again. "So what? It's just knife juggling! And I've jumped off things way taller than roofs before. It's not like it'll kill me or anything."
"But you could still be hurt! I'm not accusing you of anything Alex, I'm really not. I'm just saying— it's why Jerry thought what he did."
"Does he still think that?"
"A little."
"Is that what you think?"
"A little?" He repeated, scrubbing a hand awkwardly over his face. It left a giant smear of powdered sugar over his eyebrows. But Alex was too tense to laugh. "You don't have to do things like that anymore, Al. But you still do and I think… I don't know, I think you're maybe still being hurt by everything?"
"It's not a big deal though. I mean, Ian taught me how to juggle knives when I was 12. I've literally been doing things like that my entire life!"
"Well maybe Ian shouldn't have let you juggle knives as a child," Tom said delicately. "Ian was super cool and really chill but also he sometimes… did things he maybe shouldn't have?"
To this, Alex could say nothing.
Because it was true. Ian had been a good person, and someone Alex truly enjoyed spending time with… but he had also been totally and completely unprepared for a child.
For a while, Alex had thought that Ian had been training him for a career in espionage. That he had wanted him to work for Blunt and Jones. He'd taught Alex five languages, multiple martial arts, pick pocketing, lock picking, survival skills, con-artistry and a lot more. He'd also left The Royal and General Bank as Alex's guardian. How could that be construed in any other way?
But, in the moments between the swells of fear and blood in his life, Alex had thought about it. He'd thought about it long and hard.
Blunt and Jones were liars. Lifeless and cold all the way through. And they'd been the ones to tell him that Ian had been training him. And yeah, okay, Ian had been training him, but once he'd taken a step back to really scrutinize the situation, he realized that there was no way that Ian would have ever expected Alex to be blackmailed into murdering people when he was an underage child.
Ian had never been a father to him, exactly, but he'd been family, and he'd loved Alex, in a quiet, protective way. And that was why he'd taught him so many skills.
Ian's brother and sister-in-law had been brutally murdered, when Ian was in his twenties. He'd had no other family. Alex's grandparents were long dead, and he had no other relatives, leaving him almost completely alone in life, with only the blood and the trauma of his job to console him.
It made sense to Alex that he'd want to teach his nephew how to protect himself. How to be prepared for the cruelty of the world. It made more sense to him than the idea that Ian would give him away to child abusers. He'd been a justice-minded man. Not a patriot, no, but he'd had a solid moral compass. He wouldn't do that.
Of course, Alex would never truly know, never truly have any certainty about it. He could be wrong. Ian could have done this to him, twisted him into the perfect killing machine and sent him off to die… But he didn't think so.
He'd decided to hold tight to the memory of the man as he'd known him. Good. Not perfect, but good.
Alex sighed. "Ian tried his best. He supervised with the knives, and they were blunted anyway. I wouldn't have hurt myself that badly if I'd fumbled one."
"Maybe. Still Alex. It worries me, you know? Sometimes I FaceTime you and you're just hanging out on your roof. Why do you do that?"
"I like the privacy."
"Your basement has privacy."
"It's different—"
"How?"
"It's—" He faltered. "I don't know. It's easier up there."
"Easier to fall and kill yourself."
"You don't get it—"
"I don't." Tom shook his head. "I don't, Alex. I worry about you. You're free from them now but you're obviously still hurt by everything which makes sense. It makes so much sense Alex, there was so much that went wrong for you and it's your right to feel these things. I just wish you didn't have to, you know? I wish it could all just go away for you. But it hasn't, has it?"
"I don't think it'll ever go away, Tom."
"Maybe not —but jumping off of roofs? Climbing up four story buildings? I'm afraid for you, Alex."
"I'm not going to hurt myself…"
"You might. Especially if you keep doing things like that. There are safer ways to get that rush, you know? We could sign up for rock climbing together! Or you could take up skateboarding? Jerry used to skate and he said the buzz was insane sometimes."
"I don't know..."
"Just think about it." And Tom sounded somewhere close to desperate now, his blue eyes wide, his sugar dusted brows creased. "Please Alex? Please. I'm not saying those girls who did that to Ruiha don't deserve a little punishment. But why does it have to be you?"
"Nobody else will do anything, Tom." He scoffed bitterly. "The system is rigged, you know that. Justice doesn't ever come without personal effort."
"I mean, yeah, I can't actually argue with that." Tom laughed then and it was a very unhappy sound. Tom knew as well as anyone how the world worked. He'd lived with his parents for 15 years after all. "Just… please be careful that you're not confusing revenge with justice, and that you're not doing this because you're… you know… yearning for things it may be unhealthy to yearn for. That's all."
"I'll be careful," he said confidently. Maybe too confidently, because Tom gave him a doubtful look.
Moving the conversation quickly along, he hurried, "Anyway, this is done," and held up the mixing bowl in his hands for Tom's critical gaze.
"Looks good. Better than this stuff!" Tom shook his own bowl with vigorous frustration, which sprayed a puff of white powder over his face. "Ugh!"
Now feeling safe to snicker, Alex spooned his mixture into the pre-greased pan on the counter, carefully scraping the sides of the bowl. "I hope Jerry appreciates your suffering."
"He better. I'm pretty sure I have vanilla extract in my socks, which, you know— not fun."
"Not even going to ask about that."
"Good choice."
They both cleaned themselves off as best they could (Tom had to run a wet rag through his hair), and then went to sit in the living room to wrap presents while the cake baked. It was Jerry's birthday the next day, and they were both hurriedly preparing for the party while he was out of the house.
"I should not have thrown away the box," Tom complained, wrestling the gigantic, genuine cattle lasso ("So he can learn a new skill!") onto a huge square of shiny wrapping paper. He folded a side up, crinkling the paper into an awkward mess. "Damn it."
"Sucks to suck." Alex much more neatly, and smugly, creased his wrapping paper and smacked on a piece of tape. The stainless steel spring-loaded knife ("You can never have too many knives.") was still in the box, and far easier to wrap than the lasso.
"You're stupid."
"You're stupid."
But soon, for better or worse, they both finished wrapping Jerry's presents.
"I do have two more items to wrap," Alex said, pulling them out from his bag. Tom looked at them.
"Are those for—?"
"Yeah."
"Because you—"
"Unfortunately."
"But it's this one—"
"Mhmm."
"That's nice of you," Tom said earnestly, passing back the wrapping paper, and soon those two were wrapped as well.
After that, all that was left to do was wait for the cake to be done, so they both clambered onto the couch and fell into a lengthy discussion about Godzilla, and dinosaurs, and what if dinosaurs were purple? Well why couldn't they be purple? Indigo is not purple— no it's not—
And just when things were getting almost too heated about what exactly the social rules of leprechaun's were, Alex's phone buzzed. He picked it up with a deep frown still aimed at Tom, which immediately melted at the message on his screen.
Kelly: tell me this doesn't look EXACTLY like Day
Kelly: [IMG]
Alex clicked on the image and promptly burst out laughing.
"What? What is it?" Tom scooted over to him and Alex tilted the phone his way, still chuckling breathlessly.
Tom took one look and started laughing as well. "Is that— Is that Slenderman? Oh my god, that does look like Day! Why is Kelly the funniest person I've ever met?"
"She really is funny," Alex said, typing a reply back. "I can see why Day likes her."
"Me too. We should hang out again. I bet she'd have a lot to say about leprechauns. Maybe tomorrow? Before Jerry's dinner?" Tom looked at him with wide, hopeful eyes, and he felt bad for shaking his head.
"Can't. I'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning."
"Oh right, for the pain thing."
Yes, it was for the pain thing. His jaw had been aching like he'd been punched for the last month or so and it was getting a bit too much to ignore. Day, quite worried (overly worried, in Alex's opinion), had convinced Alex to make an appointment with an orthodontist. Day had been even more worried to hear that Alex hadn't been to the dentist in nearly three years.
It wasn't like he'd had the time to go ever, and it wasn't like he'd even remembered, too caught up in literally everything else in his life at the time.
Still. It probably wasn't good. After Googling exactly what he'd need to make an appointment, he'd called up his usual place and phoned in for a routine check-up.
The thought of going to the dentist, the one place he hated more than anywhere else in the entire world, alone, made him quite literally sick to his stomach. But the relief on Day's face when he'd told him about the appointment had settled some of the queasiness. Not all. But some.
Tom must have noticed the increasingly dour look on his face because he said encouragingly, "James just got three fillings and he said it was easy and painless."
"James is a liar."
"He knows how you are about dental things, he wouldn't lie about this."
"Or he would because he knows how I am about dental things," he muttered grumpily.
James always did his best to do his best, for his friends. And if he had to lie for them, or even to them, he would. His stomach twisted sharply at the sudden thought of James and truth and lies.
He'd tried to talk to his friend, about the things James had told them, the things that had happened to him, but James always found some way to brush it off, change the subject. And Alex felt like he couldn't and shouldn't push it. Back when he'd first started turning up to school a bruised mess, he'd told James he didn't want to talk about it, and James had respected that. How could he turn around and violate James' wishes when it was the opposite? He'd been violated enough.
"He needs therapy," Tom said quietly, from his place beside Alex on the couch. He sounded that rare sort of serious, no hint of joking or play in his voice. There was no need to explain what he was talking about. Like always, Alex and Tom's train of thought was a monorail. "If he doesn't talk about any of it, it's going to eat him alive."
"You don't know that."
"I do. You should know that too." Tom stared at him levelly and he grimaced and looked away.
"This isn't about me right now. This is about James."
"Fine. We'll revisit you later. With James… no matter how much he doesn't want to talk about it, he should. And he's not going to talk to his parents about this, so we're the ones who are going to have to do something."
"We might hurt him if we push things though. I mean, I've tried and he just… doesn't want it."
"We're not going to push him. We're just going to coax. Gently. And very very subtly. He does need to talk about it, but he doesn't need someone making him talk about it. You understand?"
"In theory," he said, frowning. "I guess I just don't understand exactly what that looks like, in practice."
"Okay, in practice:" Tom began to tick off on his fingers. "Casually reminding him that we're there for him. Being similarly open with him so he doesn't feel awkward. Ruiha did a good job with all that at the sleepover, you remember. Not necessarily bringing up exactly what he talked about, but still acknowledging it when we talk about sex things so that he doesn't think we've just forgotten or are ignoring it."
Alex stared at him.
"You've put a lot of thought into this."
"Yeah, and a lot of Googling." Tom glanced down at his lap for a moment, and then peeked up at Alex with a strange look on his face. He said gently, "I started when you told me you were strip-searched."
That was a surprise. "What? Why?"
"Because being strip searched, particularly by a literal mass murdering criminal, is really creepy and horrible. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how awful it must have made you feel."
"I mean… it's wasn't great. But— and I feel like I've been saying this a lot— he didn't touch me in any sexual way. It was just… touching."
"Yeah. Still, Alex. Touching like that, it's… And you told me he— he touched you inside." Tom had lowered his voice to a whisper, a muted look of sick horror creeping over his face, and okay, yeah, Alex didn't like to think about anything that happened at Malagosto, but that was just in general. It wasn't that specific instant that disturbed him. It was everything.
Why get so worked up about a strip search when only a short while later he'd had his flesh melted off his body on a hot air balloon? When he'd thrown a man afraid of heights to his death, watching him twist and writhe as he fell through the air, burning and screaming? He'd always wondered what had killed Nile: the fire or the fall.
A strip search was nothing in comparison to that. It wasn't even registering.
"It didn't hurt much or anything. And again— not sexual."
"Yeah, maybe, but I read that the trauma from being strip-searched can be comparable to that of literal sexual assault. People get left with a lot of the same symptoms and feelings."
"Oh."
"Yeah. And just… I don't know. It's the same with James: if you ever want to talk to me about it, at all, you should feel completely free too. Really."
"Thanks Tom," he said, feeling increasingly awkward, but warmed inside that Tom cared so much. "I'm not sure I'll ever really want to, though."
"Well. You know you can."
"Thanks," he repeated. "But I did want to ask… I mean,Tom, how are you so good with this stuff?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you always seem to know exactly what to say, and you don't ever act like it's awkward to talk about all this nasty stuff, and… I don't know. You've got some nasty stuff of your own, right? But you act so well adjusted."
"Alex, you know very well I'm not well-adjusted. I literally cried into your arms for over an hour last week."
His lips twitched at Tom's matter of fact tone. "I mean, yes. But you recovered well. And you don't have any issues admitting you cried which, for instance, I definitely do-—"
"Definitely do," Tom agreed wholeheartedly.
"How do you do that?"
"It's thanks to Jerry mostly, I guess."
"Jerry?"
"Yeah. You know… my parents treated him about the same way they treated me. Or, well, they started to treat me the same way they had treated him once he moved out. Didn't have anyone to take their anger out on, I guess. My mum had barely hit me at all while he was here, but as soon as he left, she gave me a black eye. Like, that very weekend." Tom chuckled, and Alex wished he didn't. The whole conversation was making him sick to his stomach, and he didn't know if he could handle laughter about this, however flat it was.
"Your parents are shit, Tom."
"Oh yeah, they sure are. But you know— and I feel like garbage saying this after just wrappingJerry's present— but… God, I hated him so much for a while."
"Your dad?"
But Tom was shaking his head. "Jerry. I mean, Christ, he left me alone with them, knowing how they were. And it's not like my mum hurt me as bad as she hurt him while he was around, but he saw her do things to me. He saw."
And oh.
Alex had never thought about it like that, and suddenly he felt rather foolish for not doing so. Why wouldn't Tom feel like that? He himself had surfaced from the numbness from time to time to feel absolutely, overwhelmingly blinded by rage at the people who had just stood by and let him be used. All the guards at the Bank, every single SAS recruit, the Australians... Hell, even the people at St. Dominic's who had seen first hand the damage to his body, had seen his file, and had done nothing.
He could get why Tom was upset. And Jerry was his brother!
"Yeah," Tom nodded, having seen the understanding dawn on Alex's face. "Exactly. I thought he was a coward, and a terrible brother, and I could never possibly forgive him."
"But… you went to Jerry in Italy. Told him about me, just like that."
"I didn't think it all the time. Just when I let myself. It can be so easy to just let yourself get carried away by the hurt of it all, you know? Most of the time, I did understand. I mean, if I were him, I would have left the first chance I got! And it wasn't like he had up and abandoned me or anything, not like my parents have quite literally done. He went off to school. And when he was 18 he got a place out of the country. I get it. It just… it still really really hurts, sometimes."
"You still feel like that?"
"Not so much. I— uh—" Tom rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, lips twisting. "Kind of blew up on him? One night? And basically laid into him."
"Really? I didn't know that."
"Yeah, well, it wasn't really the nicest thing I've ever done. I was so bloody ashamed of myself, like as soon as the words were out of my mouth, as soon as I said them, I just wanted to take them back."
Alex grimaced. "Yeah. I get that."
"Oh well— yeah you do, I guess, don't you? I just… I felt like my parents. It was the worst feeling in the world. But anyway, after I said all that, Jerry and I had a really really long discussion, basically about everything. And he apologized to me. Like, profusely. He was literally crying the entire time, he was so guilty. Apparently he'd been feeling guilty for years— since he left— and he wasn't sure if he should say anything and potentially bring the issues back up."
"Wow."
"Right? And I just felt instantly so much better, knowing that my feelings were valid. I also felt like an arsehole for making my brother cry, of course, but it was definitely a conversation we both needed to have. And it kind of broke the dam I guess because we've been talking a lot more."
"About… feelings?"
"Yes, feelings. And it sounds so dumb but just talking about it has helped. He wanted me to go see a therapist for a while, but I really have been getting so much better now that I can talk to him." Tom leaned forward then and pinned him with an intent look. "And Alex, talking to you has been helpful to me too."
"Has it?"
"More than you can ever possibly understand. Knowing that you get it? Like, you get it, being hurt by adults you're supposed to trust, you actually get it— it makes me… not feel better, exactly, because I hate that you were ever hurt, but… I feel…"
"No," Alex shook his head, smiling smally. "You don't have to explain. I understand what you're saying. I feel that way too, when I talk to you about things."
Tom snorted out a soft, disbelieving breath. "Alex, if that's true, then why don't you talk to me more? Why not? If it helps, why not?"
And okay. When it's laid out just like that… why not? Tom had never once judged him for the things he's admitted to, all the truly filthy, sickening things he's done. He knew all about Malagosto, all about what he'd tried to do to Jones… And his response had been to ask if he was alright with what Nile had done to him? It was hard to believe, at times, that he could ever be so lucky to have Tom in his life when the entire rest of his life was an on-fire garbage can.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm being dramatic," he said finally, after pondering it for a bit more.
Tom stared. "Um. Okay. Wasn't expecting that one. Could you explain?"
"Well, like… for instance, with Nile. And how he, um, touched me. I guess alone, maybe, it kind of makes me feel… bad. But it's not like there wasn't a reason for it. A very valid reason that actually came true, so. Yeah. And then, basically pick anything else that's happened, and it's also kind of my fault?"
"Your fault," Tom stated. His lips were pressed together and he was staring, but it was obvious that he was trying to be casual about it. "Alex, you were a kid, I don't think there's a single thing you did that could be your fault."
"That's the thing though! Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm innocent of the things I did! I mean, I dropped a boat on a building. I did that, on my own. I could have killed so many random police officers. I could have killed Skoda too! Does he deserve to die just because he's a drug dealer?"
"No," Tom admitted reluctantly, and Alex took that as permission to plow on.
"And I was the one who got involved with the St. Dominic's stuff, with Paul and his dad. Me being there, that was on me. And the McCray thing and hell, even just getting involved with Blunt and Jones in the first place! I didn't have to go to that stupid junkyard. I didn't have to jump out of that window! That's all on me, isn't it? And joining SCORPIA, I mean fuck Tom, that's awful. How could I have done that? And I did that on my own, I went to them of my own free will. No one made me do that stuff. It's not anyone's fault but mine, the consequences that came of that. The shooting, and the torture, and Jack—"
He choked on the name, voice strangling in his throat, and Tom leaned forward, concerned. "Alex—"
"No!" He forced out, clutching at his chest. It was like someone had reached out and crushed his lungs in a fist. He felt light headed. "I'm alright! I'm just— I'm alright. But you get it, don't you? I shouldn't complain so much because it's my fault. And maybe… I don't want to feel good about the things I've done. So it's just… being overly dramatic to feel so bad about a lot of this stuff. It's just consequences, isn't it? And I should be able to deal with consequences."
Tom shoved the pillow between them away and scooted over to Alex, their knees pressing together. His eyes were wide and he looked incredibly troubled. "Alex…" He reached out and took Alex's hands between his own. "Can I be totally, painfully honest with you? Please?"
"Sure…"
Tom squeezed his hands tight, looked him square in the eyes, and enunciated, "That's so stupid."
"What—"
"No Alex, I'm not done. It's stupid, okay? You're not stupid, nothing you did was stupid. But I'm saying your brain is lying to you right now and you are believing in some total bullshit. It's totally mind melting to even consider that anything you said is dramatic, or too much, or just some natural consequences or whatever. It's not."
"Tom—"
"No! Listen to me! You said that it's your fault for getting involved with the bitch and bastard at the Bank? It's fucking not Alex, do you hear me? They are abusive, manipulative, trash for what they did to you, and you said no to them! And even if you didn't, even if you wholeheartedly agreed to the things they asked of you, it would still be their fault! You were a child. You were literally a child. You were not culpable."
"Okay fine. Fine! Maybe the initial entry, but SCORPIA—"
"It would have served Jones right if you'd have killed her," Tom stated coldly, and Alex sucked in a startled breath at the viciousness in his tone. "She's disgusting, Alex. She abused you for months, made you do horrific shit. You really mean to tell me you would have tried to kill anyone else? Anyone? If it was just some random person those terrorists had blamed for your dad's murder?"
"I… I don't…"
Tom shook his head. "You wouldn't have done it." He sounded so certain it took Alex aback. "And anyway, if it weren't for her you never would have gotten involved with them in the first place. All those consequences you're talking about are because of her. Her and him."
"But… Skoda…"
"Right, him. So, shortly after you're blackmailed, tortured, nearly killed, and you see a horrific amount of people die, you make an adrenaline filled decision fueled by feelings of helplessness. I've got to say it, that's on them too. I mean Christ, they didn't get you any therapy? Fuck them."
"I. Uh." He cleared his throat, overwhelmed and stunned by the degree of protective hatred Tom is showing. "I can't go to therapy. They don't want anyone to know… about me."
"That they've abused an underage child," Tom agreed, nodding. "Right."
Tom's certainty and steady, ruthless rage took him aback. His friend felt strongly about this. Really really strongly. He was silent for a moment, staring at Tom, who stared levelly back at him, not backing down.
"I still shouldn't have done that with Skoda," he said finally. "No matter what had happened to me. I should never have done that with the crane."
"Fine. Maybe not. But what you did doesn't make you some horrible, disgusting creature, Alex. You obviously feel bad about it. You obviously wouldn't do that again. So can't you just… forgive yourself? Maybe?"
Forgive himself.
His eyes screwed up, his lips tilting into a dangerously unhappy frown. Forgive himself? How could he? No matter what Tom said, no matter the justifications, the situations, the set-ups— Alex was dirty. Absolutely, sickeningly, filthy. Things like that... things like forgiveness, and patience, and understanding... they couldn't even touch someone like him. It would be like splashing a thin coat of paint over a rotting house, like pasting a bandaid over a hemorrhaging wound.
"Maybe," he said halfheartedly.
"Just try," Tom persisted, reading the thoughts on his face with expert practice. "Just think about it. About the crane incident. Just start there."
"I guess…"
"Great! That's all I ask of you!" Tom squeezed his hands encouragingly. "And talk to me. Whenever you want. About anything, anything at all. Nothing you say will seem dramatic to me. I promise."
"You can't promise that—"
"Nothing," Tom interrupted, squeezing his hands tighter. "You didn't deserve anything that happened to you, and it's your right to feel upset by anything and everything you want."
"I guess," he repeated, softer this time. Who was he to stand in the way of Tom's overwhelming, all-encompassing warmth? And he didn't think he would ever heal back into a right sort of person, a normal sort of person, but… he couldn't let Tom down by not even trying, could he? "Just… it's a lot, Tom. You know that."
"I do. But it's not too much. And talking does help. It does, Alex, and if you can't go to therapy, maybe talking with your friends is your next best option?"
"...Maybe."
"Not maybe, definitely. Look, like I said, we don't have to get into anything right now if you don't want, but… the offer is there at any time of the day. Literally any time. And there's nothing you can say that would ever scare me off. Okay?"
He blew out a harsh breath and offered Tom a wobbly sort of smile. "Okay Tom. Thought we were talking about James now though."
Tom laughed at his weak subject change, but acquiesced with the compassionate understanding that they'd forged for each other throughout the years. "James. Right. Well, here are some more things I've Googled…"
A/N: Hello all! First of all, VERY SORRY for such a long wait omg! I got some unpleasant medical diagnoses and then promptly lost my insurance and had to deal with All That. Very painful, expensive, and depressing lol. I've got a handle on it all, mostly, so updates should be much quicker now though! I do really just have no idea how to express how appreciative I am of all the comments though. I was like depressed in bed in total pain not wanting to write, despite how much I enjoy it, and reading the comments really helped me pull myself together. Writing makes me so happy and I feel so dramatic for saying it buy y'all really helped me so much lol. Anyhow, this chapter is WAY shorter than I had wanted it to be and I'm very dissatisfied with it but I straight up couldn't write any more for it, and I thought I should just get it out. I do have roughly 6,000 words already written for the next chapter which I like a lot more so look forward to better things in the future at least!
BritishBookWorm: Wow thank you! I love to hear how you feel the chapters compare to each other! Much appreciated!
Charlie: I cannot believe anyone rereads this story, that's so crazy lol! This review made me really happy! I love that!
This was fantastic! What a rollercoaster. And Alex telling things and the reactions on that where amazing !: I feel like my favourite parts to write are Alex saying insane things and everyone else side-eying him so hard. Please look out for more of that because there is a lot coming soon lol!
LoveRider: I'm glad you liked the dynamics! They were so interesting to write and I'm looking forward to mashing up the groups different ways to see what happens
Dima Fan: OMG! Okay, first of all your name made me straight up laugh out loud, I love it. Second, I am so glad you like all the OCs! There are so freaking many because Alex has like two schoolmates mentioned by name in the books and that's it! Writing a school story is so hard because of that lol. But they're very fun to write and I'm planning on throwing Alex in different situations with many of them. Martinique is going to have some interesting development, and Alil is getting his chapter coming up soon too. I honestly have a lot in store for everyone lol! Next chapter is going to have more flustered Alex and flirty Day. Look out for it haha :)
I've gone slightly mad: Really? ? Omg, I'm so glad you liked it then! There are some fun stories in this fandom, I'm honored you read mine first lol! I'm not into Alex/Yassen either but I do headcanon Alex as some form of queer. Day is going to have some serious freakouts in the future actually lol, his calm nature is definitely going to be tested! I think he's way too trusting of a person and I'm going to explore that. Thank you for such a nice review! I hope you continue to read this!
omg yess, literally reread it the other day, so glad i checked this to find an update, hell 2 updates. : Omg thank you so much! I'm so glad you think it's cute! I will never abandon this story, I promise!
guest04: Alex absolutely said way too much this chapter lol. It's piling up in EVERYONE'S mind. He should definitely be more careful *wink-wink* I really appreciate this review, I hope you like this new chapter! :)
Returning Anon: This review made me laugh so much, I love your dream brain. :')) I wonder what it will recommend next
please update this fairly soon, the story is amazing and day and alex are just so cute, i love how alex is opening up to him, but i feel like somethings gonna go wrong? lke opening up THAT much? theres gotta be some consequences. : Okay I'm just going to say it, something is absolutely going to go wrong LOL! But I do promise a nice happy ending because I cannot stand it any other way and the boy DESERVES it! Thank you for the review! Keep your eyes open for The Consequences haha
I apsolutely adore this story!: Yayyy thank you! I hope you like this update! :)
Another amazing chapter (or two)! I seriously love reading this fic — like seriously. Your writing flows so effortlessly, ahhhh! lol, can't wait to read what happens next. Hope all is well!: :'))) Omg thank youuu! My writing flows? That's literally one of the nicest things to ever say! I really love this review! :)
I like your story very much it's amazing though you forgot Alex also speak German it's mentioned in the book: Omg. Alex is too talented lol! I'll have to add that in somewhere! Thanks for pointing that out and feel free to say if you see anything else! ! I appreciate you!
Please update soon: I'm here lol! Sorry for taking so long, but I hope you enjoy!
Love it so much!: Thank you! I'm so glad! :')
Soooo wholesome: This is The Vibe I was going for, I'm so happy you think so!
Lovely: Thank you! :)
Return: Omg? This is so nice? I hope your friend read it and enjoyed it at least a little lol! Thank you!
Please update soon!: Here you go! I hope you enjoy this chapter, thank you so much for commenting!
i love this so much, please update soon! hope you're doing well xx: Thank you! I am feeling a lot better now, so hopefully my updates will even out again! I mean, they weren't that even before lol, but I was doing sort of okay? Will try to get back to that!
Just for encouragement,: Omg... This is truly, literally, the perfect review. I genuinely want to print it out and frame it, it's so encouraging and nice and amazing. I do actually put a LOT of work into this story, reading through the books and trying to remember all the nasty little details. There's a lot of bad stuff in there lol, and I do agree that most of it is brushed over when there's good potential to see how that stuff hurts him too! Because I feel like a lot of it would! There is literally so much more to write about too, he's so amazingly traumatized lol :'(( I really really appreciate this review way more than I can articulate. Thank you SO much! I reread this comment 20+ times haha!
Lovely: Thank you! Much love to you!
This story is just awesome: I'm so glad you think so, thank you so much for the nice comment!
Please update soon!: Okay, so it wasn't soon but I did update? Lol! I will try my best to be quicker in the future! I hope you enjoy this chapter
Name Guess: It do be true tho, they do like updates. Thanks for this review, it made me laugh and write lol
Just wanted to leave a review since this is like the 5th time I've ready this already!: Wow, thank you so much for this review! Alex does have so much trauma haha, he's interesting to write because of it, at least! Alex will get better at feeling loved, but it will definitely take a little time. But he'll get there
Re-reading this because it's awesome! Hope you're doing well :) : Omg yayyy I'm so glad! I love when people tell me they re-read, it always shocks me haha! I am feeling a lot better now, thank you!
this is my all time favourite fic and it fills me with joy every time i reread it. hope you are doing well and can bless us with an update soon! xx : This is the greatest complement ever, thank you so much! Here is a new update, I hope to have another up hopefully in like a week? That's my goal!
amihelen: Gays flock together, it's literally just the truth lol. I wish more stories or movies went with that. I'm so glad you like Day and Martinique, I feel like they are definitely the most difficult to write! That makes me really happy :)
I'm pretty sure this fanfic is dead now.: Not yet baybeee! I actually will never give up on this story, it may just take a really really long time to finish it lol. But I am going to try my best and keep going!
PLEASE update i love this fic too much for it to be abandoned: Never! I will never abandon, I promise! Real life just keeps causing problems lol :'(
Somehow, I always come back to this one fic.: I really appreciate this review a lot. Real life has been genuinely awful these past few months. This comment made me feel so much better! Thank you! And I'm so glad you like the characters! They're my first OCs in a fanfiction story, so that's a huge relief!
This is so amazing! Are you going to update soon? I can't wait for the next chapter!: Thank you so much! The update is here, sorry that I did make you wait a super long time lol. Real life hurt for a bit there. I'll try to do better in the future!
This story is so gorgeous, I absolutely adore it!: Nobody has ever called this story gorgeous before, omg. Thank you so much! :)
Madi: Thank you very much. I was doing kind of poorly for a while there, but I'm feeling a lot better now! I hope to have the next chapter out in like a week-ish! :)
Ahhhh, I just love this story soooo much! I adore the Alex-Tom interactions.: Omg thank you! Wow I'm so glad you think that about the dialogue! I often will write some dialogue and I'm like okay this sounds stupid and no one talks like that. Lol. So that's really a relief haha :) And I will definitely be continuing this story! I will never abandon it
CoconutGurl: Thank you! I was actually doing very poorly but I'm feeling much better now. :)
Please update soon!: Here you go! I hope you enjoy! I think the next chapter will be a lot better so stay tuned
I always love re-reading this fic. Everything about it is so great; the plot is exciting, the characters are well-developed, and the flow of your writing is excellent.: Wow that is so nice to say, thank you so much! I feel like the plot is so freaking slow lol so that's definitely the best thing to hear. I worry about that a lot! Very nice comment, I really appreciate it all!
Are you oké? It's a long time ago that we heard form you.: Thank you so much for worrying about me, I really appreciate that so much. I was doing very poorly for quite a while there, but I'm on some medication now that's making me feel MUCH better, in a lot less pain, and I am so much more energized now! I sleep so much less! In a good way lol! More time for writing I guess haha
Chockie: So much bonding! I'm glad you enjoyed :)
Okay, thank you to all of you guys who commented! I read them as they come, but I always wait to respond just before I update because I'm super afraid I'm going to miss someone. I think I'm going to try to respond right away though and see how that goes because I always want to respond immediately! We'll see! Thank you all again, I really appreciate if you guys stuck through that long wait! :) :)
