A/N: This took a little longer than I thought but here it is. Sorry, my life is a fucking mess at the moment. Tomorrow a chapter will be up on my other story 'the nicest view on Manhattan' be ready.

Thank you so much for following along yet again!

You can find me on Twitter if you wish: ACuteAngel17

This is that second and last part, I really hope you enjoyed this story.

"I am doing this so I won't end up like Lindsay Bennett."

Olivia is staring at her clearly not believing that those words had just come out of her colleague's mouth. This fierce, compassionate, hardworking and beautiful detective, the Amanda Rollins was contemplating suicide?

Her first thought is how would she have missed something like that? Sure, she knew about the gambling addiction and that sometimes the blonde enjoyed her drink, she knew that she's had a few rough weeks but suicidal thoughts?

No, she had probably misheard.

"W-what?" Is the only answer she can think of. She is too shocked, too scared. She is in disbelief. She has to be because otherwise, what kind of person did that make her?

"Look, Liv, it doesn't matter. I am good. You should really-"

"Oh no. I am not going anywhere. We are gonna sit down on that couch and you are gonna tell me what happened today. And you are going to explain to me what the thing you just said means." Her voice is soft as always but the look she is giving her doesn't leave room for objections.

She is taller than her, heavier than her, older than her. She has more years on the job, she is a senior detective while she, herself, was a junior one. She wants to believe that those kind features, the gentle touch, the smile full of sadness, the frown on her forehead that makes her concern evident, makes her a good person.

But she's been fooled before.

He had kind features, he had a gentle touch in the beginning, he smiled at her, always. He was all the things Olivia is and she got fooled. She can't let herself do this again.

"Please, I am begging you, don't hurt me." She whispers finally, her eyes full of tears, her voice weak, her chin quivering, her hands trembling.

And in that moment Olivia wishes that Amanda had yelled at her, cussed, even shoved her out of the door. Because that scared little sentence, that plea, confirmed her fears.

"I promise you, I won't touch you, I will sit far away from you if that's what you want. Just, please, talk to me."

Olivia Benson never begs. Olivia Benson, a person born to provide other people with comfort and give them a hand to hold onto, is keeping her at arms length because she wants her to feel safe.

He never cared if she was safe, if she was feeling comfortable. He would always sit close, let his hand linger on her back, or shoulder, for a little too long.

"Okay." She agrees in the end but doesn't make any attempt to move. She is still standing there, her body pressed against the kitchen counter, her gazed fixed on Olivia's.

For a fraction of a second Olivia doesn't understand what is happening but she sees Amanda's eyes moving from her to the couch and then back at her.

The message is loud and clear.

She backs away and starts walking towards the couch, positioning herself on the one end of it, leaving enough space for Amanda to sit wherever she thinks will be less triggering for her.

"Can I get you something? Water, wine, whiskey?" The last two are meant to be a joke, nobody laughs but at least she tried, right?

"A glass of water would be great." Amanda nods, what else can she do? She opens her cupboards only to remind herself that she doesn't have any glasses. Another result of Hurricane Kim.

She grabs a water bottle from the fridge and walks towards the couch, handing it to the other woman. The season detective looks at it with a questioning gaze but takes it from the blonde's hands, nonetheless.

"Kim."

"Oh."

She hates that they've come to that. The little girl, her little sister, her only sister that she so much loves (or loved, it is still quite unclear) is the reason for so many sorrows of hers. All she has to do is say her name and then people know.

Kim now is associated with the words: lunatic, bitch, heartless and bad news.

But she is still her sister. Even the days that she wishes she weren't.

"It's been a few years. Two, if you must know." She finally starts. She is very reluctant about continuing but it feels like once again her choice to say 'no' is not going to be either heard or respected. So she moves on. "The 'something not worth pursuing' has a name. Deputy Chief Charles Patton."

It stings when Amanda echoes the words she had said to Olivia a year ago. It's an everyday reminder that Olivia hadn't done her job. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts, her own pain. She was so busy missing her former partner that she forgot it wasn't Amanda's fault. So when Amanda told her, indirectly, that something had happened to her on the job and that the blonde hadn't pressed charges, she chose to ignore it.

She was infuriated with herself for letting such thing slip because of her own personal issues but she was even more furious when she heard the man's title. She had thought that maybe it was some case gone wrong, some undercover gig, something similar to her own experience but, no. This was worse. Way, way worse.

"What happened, honey? What did he do to you?" She wants to reach out, touch her comfortingly, pull her in for a hug but she contains herself.

"You mean what I let him do to me?" She stares down at her hands in her lap. It's easier that way. That way she can pretend that she is having this conversation with the wall, not someone who can judge her or petty her.

"I am sure that's not true, Amanda." It's the best she can come up with now. And even interrupting her doesn't seem like the greatest of ideas at the moment. She kicks herself mentally for shutting down like that. She's been a sex crimes detective for fourteen years and she is still doesn't know how to handle what is happening right now.

"Kim had gotten herself in trouble. Check fraud, wire fraud, possession." Amanda ignores the other woman's way of being sympathetic. "I tried to sort it out with the captain of the precinct but he wouldn't listen to me. Patton heard about it. He called me into his office late at night, everyone had gone home. He said there was a way to make it all go away." She shrugs. Because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. At the time it seemed like something easy.

"So, we met at this motel room, I sat down on the bed. I was okay with it, I told him yes, it's not like I haven't slept with people I wasn't really attracted to before." Her eyes move from her lap to the wall across from her and she just stares at it, her mind going back to that night, to the events that took place there.

"I could smell the scotch on his breath from the door, he was drunk out of his mind. He got on top of me and he was so... so violent. Grabbing me, pulling off my clothes. I asked him to slow down, I did. He got rougher. He slapped me, h-he bit me, banged my head against the headboard..." Olivia wants so desperately to wipe away the tears that roll down flushed cheeks but she doesn't. Amanda said no touching and she must learn how to work with that.

"I tried to get up, get the hell out of there. I was bleeding, I was feeling a little dizzy. He told me 'Amanda, you know I don't take no for an answer'. And I knew it." She points a finger at herself, hits her chest with her fist like she is to blame for everything.

"He pinned my wrists above my head and told me that I am not going anywhere and that nobody is gonna believe me. And it hit me. The fact that he was right. Who would believe a woman, in a men dominated field, in the south? None of the old boys, I can tell you that much. So I gave up. He went on, did what he had to do and when he was done he just laid there next to me. I was a crying mess and he just told me 'had fun darlin', you can leave now'. And I left and never talked about it again."

Olivia is staring at her dumbstruck. She has so many things she wants to say. About how disgusted she feels by Patton, how sorry she is that she had to go through that all alone and how sorry she is for not checking in with her after she basically disclosed to her all this time ago.

But most of all she wants to tell her that this was not her fault, she is not to blame. This is all on him, on Patton. He is the one to blame.

She was about to say all that but Amanda started talking again.

"After that, word got out that I am sleeping around and everyone started calling me a slut. And then gambling started and drinking started. Anything that would take my mind off him or that would feel like punishment enough for what I let him do to me."

And it makes sense to her. She knew what was going to happen, she didn't want to, she walked right into it. She couldn't back away last minute, that's simply not how it works.

At least in her mind.

Because in Olivia's it does not make sense. Because from Olivia's point of view Amanda did everything in her power to protect her sister. She said yes until she said no and when that word was out it was his obligation to stop. But he didn't. And that wasn't Amanda's fault.

"Amanda, you told him to slow down, you might have consented but then you withdrew that consent and nothing else should matter." She wants to say more she wants to do more but she is afraid of how the other woman might react. So she gives her the option to choose. "Can I come close to you, do you feel safe enough with that? If not, that is totally fine."

Amanda eyes her for a moment, her gaze running up and down Olivia's body until it stills on her face. After staring long enough into those brown orbs she decides that the other woman is not a threat. She is far from that. Far from him.

"Yes." She doesn't trust herself to say more.

Olivia shoots closer to the blonde on the couch and when she is sitting right next to her Amanda curls up into a ball, not giving a damn that she hasn't taken her boots off yet. She hugs her shins and just sits there, not knowing what to do. And then she is given an option once again.

"If I wrap my arms around you, would that be okay?" Hugs, she loves hugs. She just finds them comforting, they take away the self-destructive tendencies she has. Most of the times.

"Yes."

And Olivia does wrap her arms around her small frame, hugging her tightly, holding her for dear life and that is the tip of the iceberg for Amanda. She cries and once she starts it feels like she is never going to stop. And Olivia just holds her, because that's what she'd want someone to do if it was her.

Had she bottled up inside everything that happened in that basement all those years ago she would be Amanda. And she almost did end up like Amanda. Wherever Master Sergeant Dominic Pruitt is, God bless his soul because if it wasn't for him she wouldn't be very different from Lindsay Bennett or the woman in her arms.

She is sobbing so hard that the entire couch is shaking as violently as she. Olivia makes shushing noises, whispers words full of compassion and empathy, she runs her hand up and down Amanda's arm and waits. Waits for the sobs to subside and eventually turn into sniffles and dried tears. And when they do, that's when she speaks again.

"Amanda, I need you to listen to me very carefully." The blonde nods against her chest and she stifles a sigh of relief. "He took advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. It's what people like him, predators like him, do. You know it better than anyone, we see it every day. You said no, Amanda, that should have been enough. You are not to blame, Amanda. You are not to blame."

She repeats her last phrase for emphasis, to make sure that the message has been delivered, read and registered in the other woman's mind. She felt another nod against her chest.

"It's not easy." She sounds like and feels like a little child in Olivia's arms.

"I know, honey, I know. But we are gonna work through this okay? Together."

She peers up and looks at her intently. Did she just say we? Did she hear right? She couldn't have, could she?

"We?"

"Yes, we.I am not doing the same mistakes again. We are gonna work on it together. We are gonna get you the help you need and we'll figure it out from there. But I need you to be more open with me."

"What do you mean? I just told you what happened."

"Yes, and I feel so honored that you trusted me with your secret but... your neck. What happened there?"

She is talking about the handprint, Amanda knows it and her mind goes back to what happened only a few hours earlier with Luke, her poison, who actually ended up being a guy with a heart.

"After... after we found Lindsay I just... I needed a drink. So I went to this bar close to campus. We passed it on our way there." Olivia just nods, she remembers the bar and she wants Amanda to keep talking. "I went there, started talking with the bartender. I flirted with him he flirted back, bought me a couple of drinks. Long story short his shift ended we went from his place and we had consensual sex." She raises both eyebrows hoping that Olivia would believe her words.

Erotic asphyxiation was something Olivia Benson never wanted to explore but she respected the people that fancied it.

"God he was so sweet. He told me I was beautiful, that I... that maybe I had a lot to drink and if I am not sure it's okay." She smiles at the memory of that. "Looking back at it now I feel lucky that he wasn't a jerk like all the other one night stands."

"So, you wanted that?" By that she means the choking and Amanda goes along with it. Olivia doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to make Olivia uncomfortable.

"I asked him to do it. And he, again, asked if I am sure and told me that we would stop any time and that I just had to say the word. Anyway it happened, he did it. When I was... when I... when I climaxed I told him to stop, he did and just held me until the coughing stopped."

She feels embarrassed sharing the details of her love life with the other woman. It's something so intimate that is now exposed because of her foolishness.

"Had you ever done this before?"

Can you please stop asking questions?

"No... I just needed it to hurt. I needed to feel something else because then my mind would go back to Lindsay and Patton and my head would just..." She pauses, she doesn't know what the right words are. "Chaos." So she settles for that. It's a pretty accurate description of her mind and soul right now.

"Is it about what you told me in the kitchen? Are you thinking of... of killing yourself?" Such a brutal thing to say and an even more brutal thing to do. But it is what it is, isn't that what they say?

"Well, it's not like I hold my gun every night thinking about it but sometimes, when things get really hard, I just want to disappear. And eating my gun feels like the only option I got."

It pains her to hear her say that. Yes, it's true, she didn't like Amanda in the beginning. But that had nothing to do with Amanda and everything to do with a twelve year old partnership that ended abruptly without even a goodbye, a 'take care'. But now she has warmed up to the blonde, she has come to like her appreciate her and respect her.

She considers her a friend.

"Okay, here is what we are going to do; you are going to pack a few things and then I will drive us to my place." She sees how the objection is ready to fly out of the other woman's lips and she hold up a finger. "I have a spare room that has a very comfortable bed. I don't want to leave you alone, okay?"

"What about Brian?"

"He has the night shift, there is nothing to worry about."

"Fine." She feigns annoyance. Deep down, though, she is glad that the other woman made the offer. She doesn't want to be alone tonight. She doesn't feel safe with herself.

"And then tomorrow, we are gonna go at Lindsay's memorial in the morning and after that, we will go and talk to Cragen, okay?"

"Is that really necessary?" She is scared. She doesn't want to lose her job, it's what keeps her on her feet. This job is her oxygen she can't live without it. "I really like workin' with you guys."

"It's only temporary, until we can get you back on your feet. I am sure he will understand, he won't judge."

"I know he won't, it's just... I messed up royally. Again."

"Oh, Amanda, you didn't mess up anything. After keeping all this inside of you, falling apart was the next logical thing. I know because that's what happened to me, too."

She has questions, a lot of them, but she keeps them to herself. If Olivia wants to talk about it, tell her what happened, she will let her know. But for now she lets it go. For now she just squeezes Olivia's hand, silently telling her that she is here, too, if she needed her.

It's been noted and deeply appreciated by the brunette.

"Now, how about you go get ready, I'll wait here."

She wipes away a few more tears that escaped her eyelids and stands up from the couch. She walks to her bedroom and starts packing things, a few clothes, toiletries and a pair of pjs.

It's gonna be a long night and an even longer day.

xxxxxxxxxx

They are just leaving the memorial, walking back to the car next to each other. Watching those girls finally speaking up was overwhelming for both of them.

She spent the night at Olivia's. They ordered in, pepperoni pizza, and talked about life. At that point there wasn't much to hide from Amanda's part so she just let it all out. Everything that happened after the academy, life as a female cop in the south. And Olivia did some talking, too.

For the first time she talked about her own childhood. How she knew alcoholism first hand, how it had affected her. She apologized for not paying attention for ignoring her disclosure but Amanda wasn't mad at her.

"You had a lot on your plate.You are human, Liv."

When they got to the university the next morning, Olivia found her way to Renee Clark and Amanda to Mrs. Bennett. They talked a little, Amanda gave her condolences to the other woman, she even tried to explain herself but it seemed like Eileen Bennett was as sweet as her daughter. She put the blame on the right things; the boys, the frat houses, the school.

It's their fault, not Lindsay's or any other girl's that had gone through that.

"I am not ruined. He doesn't get to do that to me." She says while they are driving back to the precinct.

"I am really happy to hear you say that." Olivia side glances her and gives her one of her most genuine smiles.

"Hey, could you pull over? There is one thing I want to do. If that's okay?"

"Sure." She is suspicious, it's all over her voice, but she does as told. She is sure Amanda has her reasons.

"Be right back." Before Olivia can ask any more questions the blonde is already out of the car, walking towards the entrance of a bar that she's never seen before. She has an idea but that's all it is.

"Hey, Luke." She sits down on a stool by the bar the minute she spots him behind it.

"Amanda, hi. You are early again, it's not really healthy." He chuckled and puts the towel he is holding on his shoulder. "Double Jack neat?"

"Actually, I am not here to drink, I am thinking of keeping it low for a little while. I came here to see you."

He is a little taken aback by this. He is worried that maybe she didn't wanted it after all or that he had hurt her in some sort of way.

"Look, Amanda, If I hurt you I really didn't mean-"

"No, no. I mean, yes, it hurt and I have... I have the marks to prove it but it takes two to tango. I am not here to... confront you."

"Then?" He is confused.

"I am not a nurse." She blurts out and his eyebrows shoot up. "I am a cop. A detective."

"Oh." Oh indeed. "Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I would judge you?"

"I don't know... the badge usually scares guys away." She shrugs and chuckles nervously.

"Well, my mother was a cop, so I have nothing but respect and admiration towards the work you do." He smiles at the memory of his mother and she finds herself wanting to know more about this story.

"My partner is waiting outside so I need to go but... If you feel up to it, would you like to grab some coffee one day? Maybe tell me about your mother?" His smile grows even bigger and she realizes that she could get used to that smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, I would like that." She pulls out her phone and goes to her contacts.

"Type your number Luke..."

"Greene."

"Amanda Rollins." She hands him the phone and he typed his number. She texts himself immediately to get hers and hands the device back.

"I have an opening tomorrow morning if you feel up to it?"

"I would like that. Text me time and place and I will be there. Nice to see you again Luke Greene." She comes down from the stool, never stop smiling while walking back words towards the exit.

"You too, Amanda Rollins."

When she gets back outside and into the car she is still smiling. Her phone vibrates, she has a text. It's Luke he sent a wink. She puts it in her pocket and looks right ahead.

"You okay?" Olivia asks before starting the engine.

"I will be." And it's the most hopeful thought she's had in months. Years.

I am not ruined.