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Clary leaned back on the door, her hands covered her face as she screamed into them in frustration. She felt drained, she knew she did the right thing by telling Jace that she couldn't- shouldn't- be with him but that didn't mean it didn't suck to do that.

She had really liked him, he had sparked something inside her that she hadn't accounted for. He shouldn't have done that, he should have been just like everyone else she had met, just someone she had known once when, when she was someone else. But she hadn't even realized when she had started liking him, it wasn't supposed to be like this. She had promised herself.

She had promised herself she wouldn't get attached.

For so long, she had refused to grow attached to any person or group of people. For so long her mother had been the only person she wanted or needed in her life, and Luke as well. But Jace has awakened something inside of her, something she hadn't expected. A pull, an attraction, a connection so strong that for the first time in forever, she wants to be attached.

She wants to be attached and close and there. She wants to feel like she belonged somewhere, no not just somewhere, but with these people. With Jace and Izzy and her friends.

This was bad, dangerous even. She could feel that he liked her as well but the worst thing about all of this is that she can't even give herself the chance to explore how things could have been with Jace. All the fantasies of a life in Idris is just useless fantasies.

She couldn't risk it, if anything were to happen to him because of her, she would never forgive herself. No, never again. Not after what happened to Simon. She will never tell a single soul her secret again.

With that thought in mind, she remembered that on top of the awful addition of icing on the crap cake that was her life was the horrible disastrous cherry on top that was Alec seeing her without her wig and now no doubt looking for anything to find out her secret and expose her.

Just wonderful.

She hit the back of her head on the door a few times for good measure. This officially sucked. It shouldn't have been like this, it wasn't fair.

"It couldn't have been that bad if you decided not to come home" Clary looked up at the intrusion to her breakdown and saw her mom sitting at the couch, sipping coffee and giving her a glare behind the coffee mug that she drank from ever so dramatically.

"I'm sorry, mom" Clary sighed hoping to make the lecture as short as possible. Last night had been the most fun she had in a long time and this day is already taking a turn south and she really didn't feel like listening to an hour long scolding.

Her mother stood up quickly, the calm facade washing off with a slow pace as she put the cup down, licking her lips and rubbing her temple before she said "Do you even understand how worried I was when you didn't call? I didn't know if you had come home and gone to sleep early or maybe there was an accident getting home or something happened at the party or... worst".

Her tone was getting louder with each scenario she imagined and Clary sighed, "Yeah I know and I'm sorry I didn't mean to".

"You were irresponsible and we can't afford that Clary" her mother chastened.

Clary scuffed "Yeah, well that isn't my fault. It doesn't mean I have to give up on everything in my life".

Her mother paused for a second "And so it is either you give up on life or to go to parties all night long without even calling me to let me know you are okay? Those are the only two options?"

"The music was loud, I didn't have my phone and I lost track of time. I get it, I made a mistake I am sorry" Clary said, her stance growing more tense and agitated as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"That doesn't make it right, that is unacceptable Clary" her mother said.

Clary let an unbelieving scuff escape her lips in her hastiness. With each tone her mother raised at her, she was getting angrier as well. It is not the end of the world and nothing bad happened and she hated being yelled at or being patronized like she was a child. This entire situation was messed up and she shouldn't have to be punished for it so she lashed out.

"Yeah I can't believe I had the nerve to make a mistake and have fun with my friends for the first time in years, I should be more like you, shouldn't I? You never make mistakes, right? That's why we are in this situation right? Because you don't make mistakes. Because I am the only problem here, right?" Her tone was surprisingly calm for the amount of anger she felt. And it was because the words weren't new to her, she wasn't saying them because of her spite or because of the heat of the moment. She thought about these words often for years, but this was the first time she ever said them outloud.

"That's not what I meant and I don't appreciate the sarcasm" her mother said.

"And I don't appreciate this whole situation, this Clary Fray, this stupid wig, but there is nothing I can do about it either but I never turn on you for it" Clary said. She felt beyond annoyed, it wasn't fair. She had many moment where she was frustrated with this situation but she never used that to lash out at her mother like she was doing her now. She would have thought her mother would give her the same treatment.

"Don't use this situation to act out. Being in a bad situation doesn't mean I have to abandon my responsibility to be your parent. Being out all night and not calling is not okay no matter what your name is" her mother said.

Clary knew what she wanted to say, Clary wanted to hurt her mother and she so desperately wanted to say something that would get her off her back. Well you weren't being my parent when I was being hit by your husband, why should you be one now?

But she couldn't say it, because she knew no matter how much the words were true to her, no matter how many times she thought of them in her head, these thoughts. She knew that if she ever said them, she can't take them back, ever. And she did love her mother to not want to hurt her in that way even if she needed to say it out loud at least once for her own sake.

It's not that she blamed her but the thought that if she had ran away sooner, if she didn't marry Valentine, if she didn't have her, she wouldn't have the nightmares, the scars, the constant fear of being found again. That thought never left her.

But she couldn't say it. If she ever let her mother know she blames her, even a tiny bit, for everything, she knew she would hurt her a lot, and she couldn't do that. Because even though there is a tiny part of her that blames some of this on her mother, she loved her, and she wouldn't want to hurt her like that. That kind of emotional scarring. The kind of scarring he was so good at.

So even if the thought ate her up from the inside, she would never say them.

And it terrified her how well she knew the words that could hurt her mother so badly, It was your fault I was beaten, or that Jonathan was killed. She had always had a knack for knowing the right words to completely shatter someone, how to use their own fears and insecurities against them. She figured it was genetic. Because that's what he had done to her.

He used her weaknesses against her and the love she had for her father to pray on her, to hurt her, to torment her. And it sickened her to know that there is some part inside of her that resembled him in any way. So she would never say those things that she knew she thought of, because that would mean she was just like him.

So she breathed in and out, willing her anger to slip away with every breath, willing the bad thoughts to go to the back of her mind where they did not belong but refused to leave. She sighed "I'm sorry I know you were worried, it was reckless of me. Can you forgive me?"

Her mother let a breath of air leave her lips in a tired sigh, her eyes softening as she opened her arms wide, "Oh honey, of course". Clary hugged her mother as she continued, "I'm sorry too, I don't like raising my voice at you. It was all just pent up stress and worry I had for you and I let it out on you instead. I'm sorry".

"It's okay" Clary said as she exercised her breathing again, an anger management tip she's been told, and hugged her mother closer to her.

"How about I make us breakfast and we can just forget about it" Clary pulled back to look at her mother who nodded her head, "As long as this doesn't happen again".

"Okay that sounds good, but I need to shower first" Clary said.

"Yeah you really do" her mother nodded agreeing as her nose scrunched up slightly and Clary nodded, letting go of her and heading up.


Clary came into her room after her long hot shower, a towel wrapped around her body and one over her head, covering her hair, when her eyes caught her notepad that she uses to draw and she remembered the sketch she had made the day before of Jonathan.

She immediately opened it, brushing through the pages until she reached Jonathan's sketch. She admired it for a moment, his smile made her smile as well. She always drew him smiling, or unfocused, looking at something in the distance, but no matter what, no matter how much relief she knew it would give her if she did, she never drew his face the moment he was shot.

But she couldn't draw her brother at his deathbed, she just couldn't.

Even if she knew that it would ease her mind, capturing that image when the bullet hit him on paper would put it out of her head and give her the tiniest bit of relief. She couldn't do it.

She pulled the sketch out from the notepad, making sure not to let the paper rip. She pulled a box from under her bed, opening the top with a heavy sigh. She looked at it distantly, at the many IDs she had over the years, the different wigs of hair she had used, the different sketches of people she used to know. She smiled fondly at the memories, these would be the only things she ever had to remember her life.

Luke made a point for her that she can't and will not take pictures of herself and keep them. It was too risky for her to keep photos, if someone were to get a hold of them, he could keep track of her. Or find the pattern the FBI used on their Witness Protection Program. And she couldn't keep anything of material or sentimental value that could relate back to her life. Luke had only let her keep the IDs in case the FBI ever needed to look into some of their history.

She had a theory that he let her keep them because he knew how much it would mean to her to have a reminder.

So this box, this small box that was filled with nothing, is her life, her memories. That's all she'd ever have. She put the sketch of Jonathan inside and closed it abruptly, looking at it for so long saddened her so she took a deep breath before putting it back under the bed.

"Clary?"

"Coming"

She dressed herself and walked down the stairs to have lunch with her mom, a heavy sigh on her lips. She hated when this feeling came over her where she was angry and sad and just... lost.

That was the worst feeling for her, being so lost. It rarely happens but when it does, it makes her feel angry at everything and sad all the time for no reason, just emotionless and internally exhausted.

When it did happen she called it Dark Clary.

But she was determined she won't let Dark Clary take over her, so she will walk down the stairs, sit with her mother and find any reason for her to cheer up, instead of focusing on all the reasons to be depressed.


The next day was Sunday and she had spent it in with her mother, they had gotten some fresh paint and they were painting all day long. Her mother used her small brush and was very detailed in everything she drew, whether it was the field of roses that she used to visit at Luke's parents' farm when she was young or the view of the forest from the plane as they were landing in Idris.

Opposite to her, Clary had more of a free form. She wasn't as good of a painter as her mother was, she was pretty good but was better with a pencil, so like always she halfway gave up on brushes and started painting with her hands and fingers. The feeling of wet paint on her fingers as they brushed over the canvas was peaceful and liberating, she could just ignore everything going on in the real world and just pretend that this painting was all that there is.

A quiet Sunday in, painting all day with her mother was exactly what she needed to ease her mind and relax.

The next day was Monday and she was late.

She was a whole period late, her mother had suggested she just skip and call in sick but she wouldn't, she hadn't talked to her friends since her freak out at Saturday and then rejecting Jace and her mind was running with endless possibilities that they would never talk to her again or that Alec would have said something about her. It was eating at her and she figured if that is the case she needs to know, because the longer she postponed it, the longer she would think about it.

And thinking about it sucked.

So she walked into science class, skipping first class altogether but she was determined that she would not get distracted and accidentally blow up something.

Again.

Not like she could if she wanted to (which she doesn't). Raphael was very thorough in every measurement and detail they had, probably thinking she was gonna screw it up. Jeez, You blow up one classroom and people suddenly don't trust you around explosive objects anymore.

Raphael had tried telling her that it wasn't that, because he felt bad that she noticed it but she knew.

Math class went by smoothly after, she figured it was because she sat as far as she could from Kaelie and just refused to say anything to Madam Dorothea and neither had said anything to her. Which was for the best, she has had enough action to last a year.

Actually, make that a lifetime.

When it was time for lunch, Clary gathered herself and walked towards the cafeteria, ready to meet up with her friends but she stopped before opening the doors to the cafeteria.

And she just stood there.

Right behind the door, she just had to take a few steps but she couldn't do it. As if all her confidence from earlier had just vanished. She was so ready to get it over with, whether it would end good or bad, she was ready to pull the bandage off but now as she knew they were just on the other side of this door, she just couldn't do it.

She wasn't ready for this to be over.

"It's a push door"

She recognized Jace's voice immediately and she almost smiled but instead she didn't turn to look at him, keeping her gaze focused on the door and said "I know, I'm seeing if I have telekinesis powers".

"Don't you think if you had it, you would know by now?" Jace wondered, "Well it's good either way, here I thought we scared you off of school entirely when you didn't show up for class".

"Well I would have thought I wasn't welcomed anymore" she settled on honesty as she looked back at Jace, and to her surprise he chuckled.

He opened the door and she walked in front of him inside, standing in line to get something to drink with her sandwich. "Well you've got me so you shouldn't worry".

"Why, Jace?" she looked at his face, hoping he would give her an honest answer and that she could actually tell if it was honest or not.

"Why not?" Jace asked.

"I mean after..."

"After you said no? Again" Jace asked, "I'm not worried about it, you'll say yes eventually".

"Did you consider the possibility that I am just not attracted to you as much as you think?" she questioned as she took out a drink and asked "Do you want anything?"

"No thanks and no I didn't"

She paid for her drink and just scuffed at Jace "What? You don't think someone can just not find you attractive?"

"I don't know if there is but if there were, you aren't one of them" he answered back in a quick manner that shocked Clary, making her wonder if he just knows this for a fact.

Clary looked back at him with her best fake 'You're lying' look that she knew wasn't very believable. He let out a soft chuckle as they stepped out of the cafeteria line, "You think I can't tell? I know you feel something Clary, I just don't know why you won't even give us a shot. But I know that whatever it is, you'll just have to get over it".

"Jace.. I- I told you..."

Jace's finger held her chin to make her look up at him, effectively cutting off what she was about to say as she just stared up at him. "I can wait" he said.

Clary felt her chest tighten and a rush of heat come over her entire body and face and she wanted to look away, the intensity too much for her, and she tried to. Her mind kept telling her eyes to look away from those golden orbs but her body just refused to listen. The tightening in her chest and fluttering of her stomach intensified and she felt out of breath.

"Jace" I can wait. Why would he?

She couldn't do this, she was overwhelmed, she couldn't breath and she shouldn't do this to him. She just has to say the words to get him away, and she tried to, she really did. But her mouth couldn't form the words. In fact her mouth couldn't form any other word, her mind just blanked.

"Come on, they are waiting for us" he said with a slight grin. He took her hand in his, and she felt the immediate electricity of his touch, he looked up at her to see if it was okay. She was still trying to reform her mind and she knew he could tell, he grinned and dragged her to the table as she tried to compose herself by taking deep breaths.

And his hand holding hers wasn't helping.

"Found the lost lamb" Jace said to the group as the two found their seats, opposite of each other. Her next to Aline and him next to Izzy.

"There you are" Maia said excited, "I've been waiting for all of you to be here to tell you".

"You sound as if you are about to announce you will be married" Sebastian said jokingly and Aline choked on her found and started coughing.

"A little too early for that" Maia joked with a roll of her eyes.

"A lot too early for that, I think" Aline said catching her breath and going for her water bottle. Clary noticed Aline's weird behavior but chose not to comment on it, in case what she was thinking was wrong she would embarrass both Aline and Maia, possibly herself as well.

"Jordan called" Maia announced excitedly.

"You say that as if it is supposed to mean something to me" Sebastian joked.

Maia rolled her eyes, ignoring him when Izzy commented, matching her excitement, "Oh that's wonderful, what did he say? What did you say? I need details".

"No, no details, I only have like twenty minutes to eat without throwing up" Alec said, rolling his eyes.

"Bottom line is we have a date tomorrow" Maia said, accepting Alec's request and not going into too much details.

"On a Tuesday? So lame" Jace said rolling his eyes.

"Why is that lame?" Maia asked a bit annoyed and defensive, she was the one who suggested the date be Tuesday, but she won't say that to the group now.

"It's a school night, meaning he isn't expecting the date to go on late which means sex is off the table" Jace said and Maia's face paled.

"Sex wasn't on the table to begin with" Maia narrowed her eyes annoyed.

"She just met this guy" Aline argued, "And she's not just gonna go home with him on the first date".

"Now why limit your options?" Sebastian said, "Not you cousin, I'm speaking in general, but not for you".

"Thanks cousin" Aline said with sarcasm and a grim expression.

"Nothing personal but if Uncle Patrick heard me even insinuate the S word..." Sebastian chuckled as he let his words subside.

"It wouldn't be worse than if Aunt Elodie heard her precious boy say the S word" Aline taunted annoyed and Sebastian's face paled.

"That is not even funny, you know how she is" Sebastian said but Clary chuckled at that.

"It's pretty funny actually" Jace said with a smirk, "Aline, did Aunt Elodie ever smack Sebastian's ass?"

"Did she ever" Aline laughed, "She used to spank him all the time".

"That is not true Aline" Sebastian narrowed his eyes at her as the group held in their laughter.

"I can see it" Izzy said.

"Well stop seeing it because it is not true" Sebastian argued, "Now Aline I am warning you cousin, we've known each other for a long time, so I know much about you and I would suggest you keep quiet before I start talking".

Aline shut her mouth quickly at that, but her shoulders still shook with silent laughter.

"And it is not true, she is a French lady you know how classy they are" Sebastian said.

"That is just another word for uptight" Jace said rolling his eyes.

"Anyways" Izzy interrupted, rolling her eyes, "Clary, your friend Magnus is so fun".

Alec's ears perked up, "Magnus? Magnus Bane? Clary's friend?"

Izzy nodded, "Yeah, he said he knows you too, you two are working on a project or something".

Alec nodded, stuttering over his words, "Yeah, we- we are, project. For a class. We're working on it. For class".

"Great, you should work on it in our house more often, Magnus is so fun and funny" Izzy said, eyeing her brother. Clary held up a hand to cover her mouth from the laughter at Alec's stuttering and blushing at the mere mention of Magnus, but no one else noticed.

"Yeah, ye- yeah, we could do that. Magnus is quite uuumm magical yeah" Alec said.

Clary stopped herself from laughing harder at Alec's expense and she jumped up to the rescue, "Alec since you're done with your food. I want to go to class early to talk to Miss Camille. Will you walk me?"

"Yes" Alec jumped up at once, ready to leave the cafeteria and Clary ended up half running after him to keep up after saying her goodbyes to the group, "Wait, I have short legs" she yelled after Alec.

He stopped at the door of the cafeteria and waited for her with an annoyed expression and tapped his foot anxiously, when she caught up to him, the two started walking again. "You're welcome".

"I didn't say thank you" Alec said with narrowed eyes.

"Yeah you did" Clary said then tapped her head with her index as she whispered teasingly, "In here".

"I didn't need your help" Alec said annoyed.

"Sure you didn't" Clary said with a roll of her eyes, "Quite magical, right?"

"Shut up" Alec said but Clary could see the tips of his ears blush red and she chuckled.

After a beat of silence Clary decided to ask, "So I figure this means you won't tell anyone about the" she looked around, making sure no one was listening (though who would), "W-I-G".

"N-O. For N-O-W" Alec spelled it out as well and although he was glaring she sighed in relief.

Clary wondered for a moment if she should say something, she wanted to make friends with Alec but he seemed to have a way of taking her jokes the wrong way. She settled on talking, "Magnus says a lot about you, but he never mentioned shyness".

"I'm not shy" Alec said with a blank expression before he stopped, his back turned straighter and he looked at Clary with a certain fire in his eyes, "Magnus talks about me?"

"All good things" Clary said with a nod.

"What does he say?" Alec asked as they reached Clary's class.

"I think you should ask him, he won't miss the chance to tell you" Clary said.

"Yes but-"

"See you around Alec" Clary cut him off with a smirk, she couldn't tell if Alec was annoyed or curious but she saw Magnus walking to class behind Alec and she decided to ditch the scene, so she walked inside of the class, closing the door behind her but still kept a discreet eye at the little glass window. She saw Alec turn around and bump into Magnus and a smile pulled on her lips as she saw them.

She hadn't expected it but she was shipping those two.

Clary had set herself up in the art room on her chair and waited for Magnus to show up, she sneaked glances at Alec and Magnus from her seat, when Magnus actually caught her staring, she turned away quickly and pretended to be distracted by something.

"Biscuit, is there a reason you are here early?" Magnus said as he elegantly plopped a seat next to her.

"What are you talking about? I'm always here early" Clary said with a high pitched voice and a smile that said she was obviously lying.

"Right, of course" Magnus said with a roll of his eyes, "You're always here early to draw Jace".

The brush fell from Clary's hand as her eyes widened and her head snapped to the side to look at Magnus' smug expression and when she did her elbow hit a small vase that was rested on the desk behind her and made a loud clinging sound as it swayed slightly from side to side before Clary stopped it in place.

Clary composed herself with a cough and a clearing of her throat as she picked up the brush, "I have no idea what you're talking about".

"Do you not? And those golden eyes you painted the other time-"

"No Magnus, you're wrong" Clary said shaking her head.

"Really because I could have sworn Jace has those same-"

"No they're not the same" Clary argued, "I'm the artist, I know better and I am telling you they are not the same thing".

She was lying of course, but she will never admit that.

"Well you are the artist so you would know" Magnus nodded with a small exaggerated sigh, "And here I thought you liked Jace".

"Who? Me? Like Jace? No! Magnus you are-" She started laughing disbelievingly, "You are so out of it now".

"My apologies then" Magnus said.

He didn't look apologetic.

Clary looked at him with the side of her eyes, realizing he got her there and she sighed knowing what he wanted and promised "I won't bring up you and Alec again".

"Good biscuit" Magnus tapped her head like a good puppy and she pushed his hand away and he chuckled at her.

It took her about five seconds to break that promise "So what's going on with you and Alec?"

Magnus sighed, seeming irritated, scolding "Biscuit".

Clary raised her hands up in surrender, "You're right, you're right. I'm sorry". Magnus nodded accepting her apology.

"By the way, the colors of your outfit do not match your skin tone" Magnus said, noticing.

"It's just colors. Who cares?" Clary said annoyed. Clary perked up suddenly, as if she remembered something and she pulled out a sheet of paper from her backpack and handed it to Magnus.

"What is this?" Magnus asked, looking at the sheet of paper with names of places on it.

"It's a list of all the places that hire people who are younger than eighteen, and I organized it with what you will most likely to like to least likely" Clary said and she watched as Magnus' eyes widened and sparkled a little. She noticed his eyes looked like cat eyes a lot.

"Clary how did you..."

"With Izzy, Maia and Aline's help" Clary said, Magnus tensed instantly as he looked up at her and she jumped up to clarify "They think it's for me, I didn't tell them.. I would never tell".

Magnus looked from her to the sheet of paper and she saw a genuine smile pull up at his face and his eyes sparkled intensely, Clary wasn't sure but she thought his eyes welled up and he blinked them away quickly.

"I don't know what to say, Clary" Magnus began, "Thank you".

Clary gave off a slight shrug, "It was nothing".

"It is not nothing, Clary. Thank you, I appreciate it greatly" Magnus said and Clary was shocked by the genuine sincerity in his voice. She wasn't used to people thanking her so she just nodded with a smile. "Though I have to ask, how did you know what I will most likely to like?"

Clary chuckled, "Basically the ones with uniform are at the bottom" she saw Magnus' expression grim and she nodded "Exactly, but I put it in as just in case. The ones at the top are the more likely to have a..."

She cut herself off as she decided to gesture it, she waved her arms left and right from side to side and then she raised them in the air and made a sort of an explosion gesture and smirked up at him.

"I don't do that" Magnus argued as he narrowed his eyes at her.

"You don't do that, you are that" Clary chuckled and Magnus rolled his eyes at her.

"I'll take that as a compliment" Magnus said.

"It is a compliment" Clary said smiling. "So are we doing this thing today?"

"We?" Magnus questioned, surprised.

"Yeah we, you will be there for the charming personality and I will be there in case I need to beat someone up" Clary said with an 'it's obvious' expression on and a duh tone.

"Why would you be beating someone up?"

"Let's hope it does not come to that" Clary said patting his head like he did hers and he smacked her hand then went to adjust his hair and Clary rolled her eyes at that.

"I will be glad to have you with, Biscuit" Magnus said.


A/N: So confession this chapter was risky and I was unsure whether or not to post it, it has a lot of Clary's monologues and thoughts, some are... dark. And I wasn't sure what you guys would think of that. But I hoped that you guys would like it anyways tell me what you think, follow, fav and review and I'll see ya guys in the next chapter.