The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off having cocktails. Just having some fun with the gals of The Agency.
Spies In The City
"This is nice," Mallory said as she drove her car. Lana was in the front seat with her. Both were wearing beautiful fancy dresses. "We haven't done a girl's night out in forever."
"We've never done a girl's night out," Lana told Mallory.
"Well now we should start," Mallory shrugged. "After all you are the mother to my granddaughter. And admittedly the best girlfriend Sterling ever had. Then again, the bar for that wasn't very high."
"Uh huh," Lana was cautious, and rightly so.
"And we do work together," Mallory admitted. "Why not have a fun night out with the girls?"
"Girls?" Lana asked. "As in plural? What like a Girl Scout Jamboree or something?"
Mallory laughed as she pulled in front of an apartment building. "Oh Lana. You're funny! Oh, there they are!"
"Hey!" Pam and Cheryl walked out of the apartment building wearing equally nice dresses. "What's up bitches?"
"Hang on," Lana remarked. Now she knew something was up.
"Ugh," Cheryl said as they got in the back of the car. "I am glad we're going someplace. I am so bored just staying home night after night after night…I don't know how Emily Dickenson did it."
"Well they didn't have dance clubs back then," Pam shrugged.
"Yeah but still," Cheryl shrugged. "You could go to the other side of town and see a barn burning or something."
"What is this? Ladies Night?" Lana asked. "The Spy Version of Sex in the City?"
"I could never get into Sex in the City," Pam admitted. "Don't get me wrong. I liked the sex part. And Samantha is pretty ballsy. But Carrie…Ugh."
"Don't get me started on that whiny little bitch Charlotte," Cheryl added.
"This is not going to be like Sex in the City," Mallory said. "We're just having a nice night out. As girlfriends. With cocktails. And some fun talk about se…Okay maybe it will be a little like that?"
"Right," Pam remarked. "And I'm Mr. Big."
"Okay Mallory," Lana looked at her. "What's the deal? What do you need us to do? Spill it."
"Yeah what's going on, Megatron?" Cheryl asked.
"Have you heard of the name Theresa 'Tippy' Eastview?" Mallory asked.
"The Princess of Park Lane?" Pam asked. "The one whose husband owned all those magazines and newspapers before he croaked and left it all to her?
"That's the one," Mallory nodded.
Lana realized something. "Didn't she move to Atlanta to be with her daughter's family?"
"She moved back," Mallory grumbled. "Apparently Eastview's son in law had several disagreements with her."
"Such as?" Lana asked.
"She thought she was the queen of his castle. He disagreed," Mallory told her. "And her daughter was more than happy to take her husband's side. Not that I blame her. Eastview has the personality of a steel cheese grater. Anyway, she moved back just in time to bar my readmittance to the Beaumont Society."
"How could she do that?" Pam asked.
"She's on the God damned admissions committee," Mallory grumbled. "All she had to do was remind everyone about a few tiny little transgressions I made in the past. And about a dozen Sterling made…Or more accurately, the dozen Sterling laid."
"Oh, you just want to commit random violence for revenge," Cheryl blinked. "Okay."
"Yeah, I'm totally into that," Pam nodded. "I'll do it."
"Well that's two," Mallory remarked. "Lana…?"
Lana thought. "Isn't Tippy Eastview on a lot of so called committees that are really covers for white supremacy and anti-gay rights? And held huge fundraisers against the Equal Rights Amendment?"
"That's the bitch," Mallory nodded.
"I'm in," Lana shrugged.
"For the record," Mallory spoke up as she drove off. "I was always for the ERA. As flawed as that bill was, even I saw value in that. It would have made a lot of things easier for me businesswise."
"I'm not even going to ask about that part," Lana waved. "Mostly for legal reasons."
"It's best that you don't," Mallory admitted.
"I never understood why so many women were against the bill," Pam frowned. "Why would a woman be against women having equal rights?"
"Mostly rich, white women married to men of wealth, privilege and power," Mallory corrected. "Who believe that they weren't equal to those beneath them."
"Ah," Pam nodded.
"And the rest were scared they were going to either be called up for the draft," Mallory went on. "Or have men wander into the restrooms. Honestly that latter one I don't see the fuss. It can't be any scarier than letting Pam in."
"I'm surprised you were for the ERA," Lana said.
"Because you're an elitist racist bitch," Cheryl added.
"I may be elitist," Mallory told them. "But I'm also a feminist. I believe in the superiority of women and we shouldn't have to kow tow to men!"
"Feminism isn't the belief of superiority of women," Lana corrected. "It's the belief that women are equal to men."
"Well that can't be right," Mallory scoffed.
"How can you say that women are better than men when you discriminate against women all the time?" Lana asked.
"When do I do that?" Mallory asked.
"Well you always gave Archer all the best assignments," Pam pointed out. "Always giving him cool stuff like a car and money and new office."
"That's not discrimination," Mallory pointed out. "That's nepotism. I'd do the same thing if Sterling was a girl and you know it! Totally different."
"Okay," Lana tried another tactic. "Then how come you never promoted any women?"
"Hello!" Pam called out. "She promoted me!"
"And you," Cheryl added. "And I think me too. Not really sure if certain seasons are canon."
"Only out of desperation," Mallory admitted. "Is it my fault that most women who worked for me didn't measure up to my standards? I barely promoted anyone because most everyone didn't measure up to my standards!"
"So you're saying we're like the best of the best?" Pam asked.
"As frightening as that sounds," Mallory sighed. "It's true. God what does that say about our gender?"
"Okay," Pam thought. "Then how come you always push us aside every time a hot guy shows up?"
"Because I'm horny okay?" Mallory snapped. "I'm a powerful woman with needs! It's not like you can't have any guys after I'm done with them!"
"Yeah," Lana rolled her eyes "You're a regular Gloria Steinem."
"My Aunt Madeline always said that men are like Kleenex," Cheryl spoke up. "Soft, strong and disposable."
Mallory shrugged. "She's not wrong."
"So why does Eastview hate you?" Lana asked.
"Oh, we've been going at it for years," Mallory waved. "Admittedly it all started during an ill-fated Christmas party. I had a bit too much egg nog that apparently was laced with absinthe and I made out with her husband under the mistletoe."
"I'm guessing she wasn't thrilled about that," Pam remarked.
"No, she wasn't," Mallory shrugged. "I tried to explain to her that I was drunk and would never have touched him in a million years. And that he was already having an affair with his secretary and had a secret love child by her so why take it out on me?"
"I'm guessing she didn't take that well, did she?" Lana asked. "That's what started it off?"
"That was the first in a long line of society salvos yes," Mallory admitted. "Sterling did his part in later years by breaking her nephew's leg in a very spirited lacrosse game."
"Well it is a rough sport," Cheryl shrugged.
"Tippy's nephew was the referee!" Mallory told her. "Sterling also broke her son's second marriage. Even though I have it on good authority that marriage was broken long before Sterling showed up in that pool shower."
"So what is your plan to get even with her?" Lana asked.
"Let's just say the less you know right now the better," Mallory admitted.
"Oh, this is going to be good," Cheryl giggled.
"First, we're going to crash Gloria 'Shippy' Von Shipman's 50th birthday gala at the Four Seasons Hotel," Mallory told them. "Which she's been having for the past twenty-five years."
"Gloria Von Shipman?" Cheryl scoffed. "I think that bitch came over on the Mayflower."
"Well her party often feels like it was organized by Puritans," Mallory admitted. "Her drinks are so watered down you could bottle them with a Poland Spring label and nobody would be able to tell the difference."
"Shippy and Tippy," Pam remarked. "You know the crowd you run with has weird names, right?"
"Coming from a woman who has friends called T-Bone and Knifeman…" Mallory paused. "No, you're right. They are weird."
"How are we going to get in?" Lana asked. "Won't they be suspicious if we show up?"
"Oh please," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Cheryl is a Tunt. Lana you're married to a billionaire and I've dated half the men on the Upper East side. We'll get in."
"What about me?" Pam asked.
"You can be our bodyguard or something," Mallory admitted. "Pam your job is to eat everything at the buffet and make a mess of things. Pretend you're at one of our old Christmas parties. But if you are going to overflow the toilet, let us know in advance."
"You might want to go right at the beginning," Pam admitted.
"Please tell me you didn't have three-day old linguini and clam sauce for breakfast again," Lana groaned.
"No," Pam told her. "I had it for lunch. And I may have had a taco supreme for a snack."
"Just hold it in until we're done," Mallory groaned. "Actually, that does work in my favor."
"Okay that takes care of the lethal gas angle," Lana sighed. "But what about the rest of us?"
"You two have your jobs as well," Mallory told them. "Cheryl, your job is to spike the punch."
"With what?" Cheryl pulled out some things from her purse. "I have some Johnny Reb. A small bottle of Fireball. Ultra-Fireball. Some Captain Morgan. A thimbleful of Groovy Bear Juice."
"Groovy bear juice?" Pam asked.
"Groovy bears liquified," Cheryl added. "As well as some scorpion laced vodka and a flask of Krieger Valley."
"That's not a purse," Lana remarked. "That's a one-way ticket to rehab!"
"Or the emergency room," Pam added.
"Let's start with the Krieger Valley and the Ultra Fireball," Mallory told her. "Then we'll go from there."
"You put Krieger Valley in the punch people are going to go to the floor," Pam told her. "And in some cases, on the floor depending on how strong their bladders are."
"Okay important safety tips," Mallory added. "Don't drink the punch. And watch your step."
"What's my job?" Lana asked.
"You stick close to me," Mallory said. "We're going to spread a few rumors."
"What is this? High school?" Lana asked. "What are we telling everyone Tippy has mono?"
"Just follow my lead," Mallory told her. "Although the mono angle isn't completely off base. We'll say it's one of her granddaughters. Odds are it's true anyway."
"I once did that," Cheryl remarked. "Told everybody this girl I hated had mono. Turns out she was only pregnant. Boy was my face red!"
"I wouldn't think you'd be embarrassed by that," Pam remarked.
"Oh it wasn't red from embarrassment," Cheryl told her. "That girl slapped me when I told her I was the one who was telling everyone she had mono. Then had a breakdown and screamed she was pregnant. Then she slapped me again when I told her I was doing her a favor by telling people she had mono. I forget her name but I remember she had pretty strong hands. And got kicked out of school."
"Who knocked her up?" Pam asked. "The captain of the football team?"
"Math teacher," Cheryl nodded. "He got fired."
"Oh my God," Lana gasped. "That's horrible!"
"I know," Cheryl said. "Mr. Borowski was so ugly! You were better off failing than sleeping with him. I wonder if he ever got out of prison?"
"I'd like to say I don't want to go to prison," Lana spoke up.
"We're not going to prison," Mallory waved.
"Yeah all we're doing is breaking and entering a party we're not invited to," Cheryl spoke up. "Harassing some of the guests. Spreading false rumors and putting alcohol and other drugs in the punch. Nothing illegal about that."
"Everything is illegal about that!" Lana snapped.
"Relax, Lana Lame," Mallory groaned. "I've done this sort of thing for years. The last thing high society wants is unnecessary attention from the authorities. We'll play it cool and there will be no problems."
Twenty minutes later…
"We have a problem," Lana walked up to the other women in the lobby. "They have some really tight looking security at the door. They're not letting anyone in unless they give them an invitation."
"Invitations?" Pam scoffed. "We don't need no stinking invitations!"
"Uh apparently we do," Cheryl looked at Pam.
"Nope," Pam shook her head. "All we need is a hundred bucks. Ms. Archer…"
"Why me?" Mallory asked.
"This is your revenge plot," Pam looked at her. "Unless you want to forget about getting back at Tippy."
"Fine," Mallory reluctantly gave Pam the money out of her purse. "But this better be good."
"Trust me," Pam waved.
Ten minutes later…
Pam gave a chef the money in a large kitchen. "Thanks for sneaking us in Raoul."
"Thank you, Pam," Raoul grinned. "Anything for a buddy. You're the only person I know who would take my two-day old linguini and clam sauce for free."
"And another piece of the puzzle fits…" Mallory groaned.
Another twenty minutes later…
"I have to admit," Lana said to Mallory as she met up with her in a corner of a luxuriously decorated room. "Pam got us in here. And nobody seems to have noticed that we snuck in."
"That's because Shippy is hogging the spotlight like Miss Piggy," Mallory scoffed.
"Life is a cabaret old chum…" The sounds of a very old woman singing badly were heard over the playing of a piano.
"Ugh you know when that play came out, she was rooting for the Nazis?" Mallory groaned. "The great irony is when I was fighting the actual Nazis, I was protecting racist bitches like her."
"You think…?" Lana began.
"Hey, compared to ninety percent of the population in this room," Mallory cut her off. "I'm Pippi Liberal Stockings. I don't think black people have tails or are genetically inferior. I mean anyone who's watched even one football or basketball game knows it's the opposite."
"I'm gonna let that one pass," Lana sighed. "So, how's Operation Party Pooper coming along?"
"You have to call it that?"
"With Pam in the bathroom…" Lana began.
"Point taken. Well let's see," Mallory looked around. "Pam is making her second trip to the bathroom. And by the look on the faces of some of the women coming out of it, the first trip was a rousing success."
"What is it with that woman eating stale linguini and clam sauce?" Lana asked. "Is that a white person thing? Or an Italian thing?"
"That is a Pam thing," Mallory told her. "Trust me, no Italian worth his salami would even think about having stale linguini."
"Oh God what is that smell?" A woman's shrill shriek was heard.
"I'm going home before I faint!" Another woman was heard.
"Oh, that smell…So horrible…" Yet another woman whimpered before the sounds of throwing up were heard.
"Pam is certainly doing her part," Lana remarked. "What else?"
"I saw Cheryl secretly spike both punch bowls," Mallory took out a small bottle. "That's why I stole this bottle of Jack Daniels from the back. It pays to be prudent."
"Well I did something I am sort of proud of," Lana admitted.
"Let me be the judge of that," Mallory told her.
"I may have made a few calls to a few protest groups," Lana admitted. "Let's just say it's a good thing you're not wearing your furs tonight."
"Not bad," Mallory nodded. "Let's see how that pans out. Okay I see an opportunity. Follow my lead."
Mallory motioned for Lana to follow. They moved behind three older women chatting amongst themselves. "Can you believe what happened to Tippy's son?" Mallory said in a slightly loud voice.
"Which one?" Lana asked deciding to play along. "Is that the one who had the affair or…?"
"No, the other one," Mallory informed her. "The one who's being investigated by the FCC."
"I thought that was the one who was having an affair?" Lana added seemingly cluelessly. The women behind them stopped talking and started listening.
"To be fair," Mallory went with it. "They both sleep around. But this is the one who's been accused of…You know?"
"Embezzlement?" Lana asked. The women behind them made a small gasp. "Where does he work again? I'd like to know where not to invest my money."
"The firm of Lautner and Heinz," Mallory told her.
"Is that the one who's being investigated for inside trading or the Ponzi scheme?" Lana asked innocently. "Either way it doesn't matter. I don't have money with them. I just want to be clear on the facts."
"There have been some financial irregularities rumored, yes," Mallory shrugged. The women behind them began to whisper.
"Is that also the firm whose president is…you know?" Lana whispered in a stage whisper.
"Know what?" Mallory was genuinely confused.
"Oh, come on," Lana rolled her eyes. "You know? Those rumors? About that arrest?"
"For…?" Mallory blinked.
"You know?" Lana whispered in a stage whisper again. "For what was going on in that public men's room? In the stalls? Wide stances."
"Ohhhhh!" Mallory saw where this was going. "Is that still a thing?"
"Oh, that is totally a thing," Lana nodded.
"Well I heard it was a morals charge of some sort," Mallory paused motioning that Lana should move with her away from the women. "But I didn't know it was that."
The women scandalously started to talk among themselves. Mallory made sure she and Lana were far enough from them where they could talk freely. Mallory raised an eyebrow. "You're better at this than I thought."
"I went to high school," Lana told her. "Admittedly I wasn't the one usually spreading the gossip but I know how it works! Mean Girls meets Night At The Improv."
"Okay," Mallory looked for another target. "Let's do that again but this time let me do the wide stances thing."
Lana nodded. "Oh, and for the record what I said was true about a president of a different hedge fund."
"Are you sure?"
"It was on the news last night," Lana rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."
"A rumor with a hint of truth but mixed with simple confusion for deniability purposes," Mallory paused. "You are better at this than I thought."
"Again," Lana told her. "High school."
"Huh so people are learning things in public high school?" Mallory mused. "Who knew?"
Speaking of people who don't know much…
Cheryl was looking around. "God this party is depressing. Mostly old rich bats who should have died years ago. Ugh no wonder Ms. Archer wants to ruin it."
"Damn it. She should have told me. I would have totally brought my spare acid and put it in the punch."
Cheryl sighed as she casually tripped a waiter carrying several appetizers. He fell on top of a woman who shrieked at her dress being ruined. "Boring!" She yawned.
People were starting to get visibly drunk at the punch she spiked. One of the women threw up on the floor. "Lame," Cheryl rolled her eyes as she walked by.
She walked over to a heavy woman talking with some other guests. "Hey!" She tapped her on the shoulder. "That woman over there told me you were fat. And boy was she right!" She pointed to another group of women.
"Well…I…" The Woman bristled. "Wait. Is that Minerva Mangleberry? It figures. Tell her that she's nothing more than a dime store floozy!"
"Okay!" Cheryl nodded as she went over to the other group. "Hey which one of you is Minerva the Mattress Queen?"
"What?" A prim looking older woman glared at Cheryl.
"That fat lady over there called you Mattress Queen," Cheryl said pointing to the fat woman. "And a whore. And a floozy. And that you would do any guy with a pulse."
"Oh really?" Minerva snarled. "Enid is one to talk! She slept with both of my cousins!"
"Did she kill them?" Cheryl snickered.
"No, but one of them threw his back out," Minerva admitted. "Tell her not to play that card because I have all the dirt on her!"
"Okay," Cheryl went back to Enid. "Minerva says that you're the whore who slept with all of her relatives and she's got tons of dirt on you which she's going to spill."
"I did not sleep with any of her relatives!" Enid fumed. "I went on two dates with two different cousins and one of them was not a gentleman. I had to shove him away!"
"That's not what she said," Cheryl said. "She said he broke his back trying to please your sexual appetites. And she's telling everyone about it."
"That lying little…" Enid was angry. "She's the one who had a gap year of school because of 'mono'" She made air quotes.
"Okay," Cheryl nodded and went back to Minerva. "She says that you got knocked up by some dude and had either an abortion or a bastard baby."
"I HAD THE FLU YOU FAT COW!" Minerva screamed across the room.
"ALLEGEDLY YOU TRAMP!" Enid shot back.
Soon both women were in a screaming match with each other. "Eh I can do better," Cheryl shrugged as she left them to fight.
She looked around. A handsome older gentleman standing in a corner talking to some of his friends winked at her. She looked around and saw a few older women standing by the punch bowl drinking. "Excuse me," Cheryl went towards the woman. "Whose husband is that?" She pointed to the gentleman.
"Mine," One of the older woman gave her an angry look. "Why?"
"He totally touched my ass and hit on me," Cheryl lied convincingly. "Can you keep a leash on him? Thank you!" She moved away.
The older woman screamed. "I WARNED YOU, HAROLD!" She stormed over to the man.
"Better," Cheryl grinned as she moved away from the chaos she was causing.
Meanwhile Mallory and Lana were causing some chaos of their own. "And that's why Tippy's son's firm is being investigated," Mallory spoke to Lana. They were standing behind some men and women who were clearly listening to every word.
"I'm sure it's not that bad," Lana told her. "I've heard that they're replacing half the board with people of color. And they'll be doing more non-profit work. They won't be so focused on profit anymore. Doing a lot of community projects."
"Excuse me," A man moved away. "I need to call my broker!"
"Me too!" The rest of the men and women broke away to call people on their phones. Some of them were actively shoving other people out of their way.
"You caused a stampede," Mallory blinked. "Nice touch."
"I thought that would do it," Lana sighed. She saw Pam walking up to them holding a tray and eating from it. "What are those?"
"I don't know," Pam munched on them. "But they're damn good. I think they're some kind of deviled egg in pastry but it's not deviled egg. Some kind of egg."
"Ugh this party is sooooo boring," Cheryl groaned as she walked over to them.
SMACK!
"I WANT A DIVORCE HAROLD!" The older woman from before screamed.
"FINE! GO!" Harold shouted back. "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK YOU, LORD! I'M FREE AT LAST!"
"PREPARE FOR ALL YOUR MONEY TO BE FREE FROM YOUR WALLET HAROLD!" Harold's wife screamed.
"I NEVER LIKED YOU ENID! YOU SNOTTY COW!" Minerva screamed.
"BETTER A COW THAN A WHORE!" Enid screamed back.
"I WILL SUE YOU FOR SLANDER!" Minerva screamed.
"I FEEL LIKE I CAN FLY! HA! HA! HA!" A woman cackled madly.
"SUSAN! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" A woman screamed.
SMASH! CRASH!
"I don't know," Pam said casually as she finished the tray and put it on an empty seat. "It's starting to liven up."
"I see you've been setting some figurative fires," Mallory smirked in amusement as she saw a well-dressed woman throw up into a potted plant. "Dare I ask if there are any literal ones?"
"I don't always set fires at a party," Cheryl told her. "But the night is young. Too bad the same can't be said for most of the people here."
"WHOOO!" An older woman zoomed by on a motor scooter. She was drinking from a punch cup.
"SHIPPY!" Someone yelled. "DON'T GO SO FAST!"
"DOES ANYBODY WANT TO GET NAKED?" An old man cackled with glee.
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "I may have put some of the groovy bear juice in the punch," She admitted.
"RATS! RATS! RATS!" A woman was heard screaming. "THERE ARE RATS EVERYWHERE!"
"BETTINA GET OFF THE TABLE!" A man was heard shouting. "AND PUT YOUR DRESS BACK ON!"
"Noooo," Lana said sarcastically. "I never would have guessed."
"Mallory Archer!" A high pitched female voice was heard.
"Speaking of someone who could use some drugs," Mallory rolled her eyes as she drank from the bottle she had stolen.
"What are you doing here?" A tall thin woman with elegant white hair wearing a black and white dress stormed up to them. "Since when were you invited?"
"Hello to you Tippy," Mallory said sarcastically.
"Drinking from a bottle," Tippy sniffed. "Why does this not shock me?"
"As if I was the only one," Mallory pointed to several women laughing hysterically. "I'm just the only one who can handle her liquor."
"I smelled the punch, Mallory!" Tippy snapped. "That had more fumes than a garage! I know you and your little clique of nobodies and lower class trollops spiked it somehow!"
"Excuse me!" Lana bristled. "I'm Lana Kane and my husband…"
"I know who your husband is," Tippy raised an eyebrow condescendingly. "New money doesn't count."
"Last I checked, all money counts," Pam spoke up.
"And you are?" Tippy raised an eyebrow.
Pam put on her snootiest tone. "Pamela Poovey of the Wisconsin Pooveys. We made money in dairy."
"I've never heard of them," Tippy remarked.
"Well we never heard of you," Pam shot back. "So we're even."
Cheryl laughed. "Burn!" She pointed at Tippy.
"Don't think I don't know about you," Tippy glared at Cheryl. "You've dragged your family's name through more mud than field mule."
"God I can't wait until your generation dies off," Cheryl added. "Fortunately, at the rate you're all kicking the bucket that shouldn't be that much longer."
Tippy glared at them. "I don't know how you lot got in here. I specifically put security at the door to keep riff raff like yourselves out. Especially you Mallory! Since no one here likes you at all! Those four years you were gone were so peaceful for decent society!"
"Jesus," Pam waved. "Who put a stick up your ass?"
"Yeah," Cheryl added. "Don't lose your shit over nothing."
Tippy sniffed. "I find this casual swearing of your generation so distasteful. You young people don't even seem to realize what a grievous sin you commit. It's bad enough you take the Lord's name in vain, but to say such ribald…disgusting words."
Lana looked at her. "But it was perfectly all right for your generation to beat up people who are different than you, deny equal opportunities to women and people of color, call them terrible horrible derogatory names…"
"Basically, being racist bitch snobs," Pam added. "And honestly some of the things your generation did was pretty messed up. Just saying."
"I'm not saying our generation is any better," Lana added.
"But yours is worse," Cheryl added.
"Much worse," Pam added.
Tippy stiffened. "Our generation defeated Hitler! And the Japanese Army!"
"Using some of the same tactics they did," Lana pointed out. "Admittedly you didn't set out to murder Japanese people when you put them in camps and stole their homes."
"And you had a segregated army," Pam pointed out.
"You let black people fight," Cheryl added. "But you wouldn't let them vote or use the same bathrooms as you. What's up with that?"
"You know it's not catching right?" Pam asked.
"And what's this we crap?" Mallory looked at Tippy. "I didn't see you on the front lines. I was over there in Europe doing what I could. I worked in the mail room. I drove trucks. I helped wounded soldiers. I even helped smuggle some Jews out of France! Where were you?"
"She even killed Nazis," Cheryl spoke up. "Apparently seven of them with a shovel."
"That is pretty bad ass," Pam admitted.
"Thank you," Mallory smiled. She looked at Tippy. "See? Even Pam can recognize my accomplishments! Why can't you?"
"Well you are an accomplished con artist," Tippy glared at Mallory. "I'll give you that."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Mallory spat out. "If this is about me making out with your stupid husband while I was drunk you really need to get over it. Especially since I wasn't actively sleeping with him like all his secretaries!"
"First of all," Tippy stiffened. "My husband never slept with all of his secretaries. Two of them were male."
"I stand by my statement," Mallory sniffed.
"And secondly," Tippy ignored the dig. "It's not the fact that you kissed my husband. Considering how many men you've been with it's easy to see how you could get confused."
"Ooooh," Pam and Cheryl said as one.
Tippy glared at Mallory. "It's the fact that you are pretentious gold digging phony that I can't stand. You and that bastard of a son of yours. You really think everyone bought that stupid lie you passed around about being married to a Captain Blackjack Archer? There was no Captain Blackjack Archer. I checked. And I made sure that all of my friends knew it. Your son was born out of wedlock. Sterling's father is either someone who was already married or you don't know who he is!"
"She's not wrong," Pam shrugged.
"PAM!" Mallory snapped.
"What you and your son are," Tiffany glared at Mallory. "Are white trash pretending to be one of us. But you never will be."
"Watch it, bitch," Mallory snarled.
"It's even more evident by the company you keep," Tiffany sniffed haughtily. "Especially with this one!" She pointed to Cheryl. "She should know better how to behave in decent society…"
"Oh, get off your ass with this whole decent society shit!" Cheryl stepped up to Tiffany. "Everybody knows that's code for rich and white. And we all know they've been acting anything but decent!"
"And that's her saying it," Lana pointed out.
"I watch the news!" Cheryl went on. "I read magazines! I watch those scandal websites! I know what's going on! The sex scandals! The money laundering! Inside trading! Ponzi schemes!"
"Bribing college officials," Lana added. "Housing discrimination."
"The teenage sex slaves," Pam added.
"Yeah sex slaves!" Cheryl added. "What the hell is so decent about that?"
"Why the hell would anyone want to belong to your group anyway?" Lana added.
"You can't die off soon enough as far as I'm concerned!" Cheryl went on. "Ms. Archer may be a stuck-up bitch but at least she's a fun one! In fact…"
Cheryl brushed past Tippy and stood on the nearest table. "Attention rich old people!" Cheryl called out, kicking a few decorations and items off. "Hello! Stop being old for a minute and listen to me!" She grabbed a crystal bird decoration and threw it to the ground.
SMASH!
"You know Cheryl is going to get the blame for ruining this party, right?" Lana asked.
"That was my plan," Mallory told her.
"Hello!" Cheryl called out to the stunned room. "I'm Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt. And I just want to say that I'm better than all of you not because I'm rich but I'm rich and hot. And you are all old and ugly and honestly the world would be better off without you."
"Oh boy…" Lana groaned.
"Let her talk," Pam grinned as she recorded everything with her phone.
"I mean you people are so uptight I'm surprised you're not shitting diamonds," Cheryl went on. "I've had to take a few pills of something just so I can stand being in the same room with all of you. So please do us all a favor and die soon? Okay? Because you're all old and boring and nobody wants you around."
"Oh, dear God," Mallory groaned.
"This plan of yours may work a little too well," Lana whispered to Mallory.
"Yeah, I just figured that out!" Mallory looked at Lana.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Shippy zoomed by on her motorized cycle. "I CAN'T STOP IT!"
CRASH!
FOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"OH MY GOD!" Someone screamed. "SHIPPY CRASHED INTO THAT TABLE WITH CANDLES ON IT! AND NOW SHE'S ON FIRE!"
"Like that," Cheryl said cheerfully. "Go set yourselves on fire like Shippy!"
"SHIPPY!" Tippy screamed as she ran off to help her friend.
"And there's the fire," Lana remarked.
"Yeah, I mean we knew it was coming," Pam nodded.
"We should go," Mallory sighed. "I believe our welcome has been worn out."
"Some horrible people threw red paint all over my mink stole!" A woman screamed as she walked into the room, her clothes dripping with paint. As well as having paint in her hair.
"God, she looks like Geriatric Carrie," Cheryl giggled as she walked up to them.
"We should go out the back," Lana suggested.
"Way ahead of you," Mallory said as she turned around. "And that's where I want to be. Way ahead of most of you so people don't think we're together!"
"This was fun," Cheryl grinned as they fled the chaos. "We should have girl's night more often!"
"How about the Fifth of Never Again?" Mallory snapped.
