Warning, non-graphic short term mentions of nudity. Pretty sure this still falls under FF's Teen rating but if it doesn't the rating will be changed quickly. As it stands this will be almost purely comedy and crack so I'm hoping I can keep the rating down.
This story is based on an old headcannon of mine that boils down to Dick's manwhoreishness having consequences beyond a single pregnancy scare so if it seems a bit slapped together its because it very much is.
Please enjoy and give me plenty of long REVIEWS AND COMMENTS!
Constructive criticism appreciated.
Five things rang through Dick Grayson's the second he regained consciousness. One, his entire body was sore, his head and crotch far more than the rest. Two, he wasn't in his own bed at home, the Tower, or the manor, nor was he in a medical bunk. Three, he was not even close to being alone in said bed as evident by the two weights on his chest and arms and the clear feeling of indents around the bed beyond him and the two on his chest. Four, he seemed to be wearing his mask and absolutely nothing else save the thin underblanket that went under the bedcovers. Five, the room absolutely stank of sex to the point where he couldn't even find it slightly pleasant or rewarding.
'Okay so killer headache plus sore groin plus strange bed plus bedmates I don't remember picking up.' Dick ran the situation through his head. 'Did I get drunk and pick up a bunch of bar girls?' That didn't sound like him, what with his drunk personality not being the least bit seductive and his sex addiction making him want to actually lose himself in the act not forget it completely the next day, but given his current state it seemed the most likely answer- WAIT!
'Now I remember!' He silently exclaimed. He had gone after a smuggling crew that was running drugs for Black Mask and to a lesser extent Bane. Hallucinogens and stimulants mostly along with some of Bane's less potent but longer lasting Venom mixtures that were very popular among the grunts of several cells of major Gotham gangs. Some of them must have been dipping into their own weapon shipments because one of them had started firing incinderaries and had ended up setting a lot of the drugs on fire. Things got hazy after that, he had inhaled more than one lungful of drug filled air and had gone under the multitude of effects quickly. Really he was lucky he didn't overdose or die.
'The hallucinogens disconnected my brain, the stimulants kept me moving, and the Venom gave me stamina and kept the other drugs from killing me. I must have fallen back on reflexes, habits, pleasures, and base desires and addictions.' Acrobatics, fighting, calling friends and teammates, eating cereal, sex, high risk infiltration, and thievery of dangerous and secure objects and weapons. A combination of his different stages of life and trainings, the things he learned to enjoy or use as stress relief. He wasn't hungry and he didn't feel the familiar ache in his knuckles so his last fight must have been at least twenty four hours and his last meal or snack less than four hours ago.
'So I've been mentally compromised for at least one day but not to the point where I was picked up by law enforcement or heroes or ignored self care. I clearly was in contact with several people in an environment where either sex was encouraged or inhibitions were lowered. I'm not smooth enough to get at least four women in bed at once without some kind of help, not even if I exploited either of my names.' If he had to guess he'd say he had been doing superficial patrolling while in costume until he seduced his current bedmates, food was definitely involved either in the seduction or during the act. Possibly both. If he wanted any more data he needed to open his eyes and face the music.
It took a large force of will to wretch his eyes open but the sight that greeted him when he did instantly sobered up whatever bits of his mind that might have still been under the lingering effects of the drugs he inhaled.
The two weights on his chest were Barbara- who he noticed was still wearing her cowl/helmet- and Kori. Neither was a sight that was that uncommon for him to wake up to if he were honest but this was the first time he ever woke up to both at the same time. To his left right past Barbara were Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, the former of which he had fantasized about but never done more than kissed under duress and the later a woman he had only slept with once before under very unique circumstances. After them he could make out the back of an acrobatic woman of asian descent but since he couldn't see her face or her full body he couldn't identify her.
Past Kori on his right was Donna Troy, a dear friend whom he had once had a short lived crush on but nothing more and hadn't really spoken with in nearing two years tangled up with two blondes that if he wasn't mistaken were Kara and Karen, Supergirl and her cross dimensional counterpart Powergirl. After them Dick could see two more girls tangled up together, the unique skin and hair coloring that belonged to Raven giving away one of their identities but the pale skin and dark hair he could see wrapped around the half demon didn't reveal much of his last bedmate.
'Ten women. At least four of which have superhuman strength and endurance. Two definite hostiles. Two unknowns. Two ex fiances. What the everloving FUCK did I get myself into?' He yelled at himself. The acrobat closed his eyes again and took a moment to recenter himself and make sure his breathing and heart rate didn't change. He was in a very dangerous environment and one of his best chances of survival was having a plan before he makes a move or one of the girls wake up and to do that he needed to figure out what he was dealing with. He needed to know who the two unknowns were. Depending on how he responded to the drugs his memories of the unknown amount of missing time were either suppressed or possibly non-existent if his mind simply stopped recording. If it was the former then he could recover them and figure things out that way. If it was the latter… he'd figure something out.
He wanted to take deep breaths. He wanted to pace. He wanted to move, set a pattern that he could lose himself in so he could calm down and think. Instead he'd have to settle for listening to the three heartbeats pounding against his chest. His own, Kori's, and Barbara's. Kori's was fastest, her physiology and the experiments done to her making her almost half again as fast as an athletic human. Barbara's was next, her last physical stating it beat at seventy two beats per minute when at rest and from what he could tell that held true now. Then his at sixty four beats according to his own physical. It would have to do.
He was sitting on the ledge of a short building. It was daytime but he was in costume. He was on his cellphone. It was Donna. They hadn't talked or seen eachother in years but their civilian phonenumbers hadn't changed for far longer. They were laughing about something. Did she not know about his mental state because of the time spent apart or because he was acting sober? They agreed they should meet up sometime. They were free the day after next.
Well that was something, but it wasn't really helpful. At least he knew that if he didn't die today he and Donna were still friends.
He was leaning against a tree in a park. Daytime again but not the same day as his call with Donna. Barbara had called him. Over his 'hero phone'. He had failed to check in after patrol the night before. She was worried. He apologised. He offered to cook her dinner. She accepted. She had been living off takeout for the last week and was afraid Alfred would find out. The next day should work for her. She wouldn't mind if Donna was there. He better not forget to call in again.
Well at least that base was covered. A mad Oracle was never good even if none of his active cases needed her help. A mad Barbara just made him feel bad even if it wasn't his fault.
He's on a roof. Its not his normal patrol route. The building is mostly glass on the outside. It's an office building. He doesn't know what company or if it's federal. He wasn't alone. He was going to be late for something soon. There's a woman. She's wearing green. Her face is hidden. A white mask. They are talking but she's ready to fight. He knows her. Both in the mask and out. Cheshire. Jade Nyguen.
Well that told him who the asian woman to his left was. Lots of missing details but those weren't important right now. Though he had the feeling that her being Roy's exwife will be a bigger longterm problem then her being one of the world's best assassins.
Harley was laughing when he threw her onto the bed. She wasn't wearing any clothes above her waist. He was naked. He'd already gone at least one round, probably three or four. Another woman almost jumped on his back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Her bare breasts were massive and her nipples erect. It was Karen. A third woman, naked, molded herself into his side. She smelled like grapes and strawberries and oranges. It was Ivy.
Well… that was interesting. He was going to have to revisit that later.
It was the night of the day he talked to Barbara. He was shopping. In costume. People were staring at him from a distance. He was on his civilian phone again. It was Kori. He had called her to talk about normal things. His dinner with Donna and Barbara came up. Real names weren't used of course. Kori asked if she could come. She wanted to see Donna again just like he did. She mentioned wanting to become friends with Barbara as well. He said it might not be the best idea. She insisted. He asked about the Tower. She admitted things were stressful. He asked if she was the only one who needed an out before things boiled over. She said Raven could use a break from the more rambunctious Titans. He invited both.
He'd have to remember to be a bit more involved with the Titans, make sure interteam friction was minimized. He did not want a split among the Titans.
He and Jade were jumping rooftops. He had to get started on dinner. She had agreed that scaring a liability for a Triad branch could wait another day at least and was going to take some of that dinner. Dinner was going to be at a hotel. Not because of the size of the party. Barbara had called before he met Jade. Harley had met with her. Insisted on a girls' night. Ivy was coming as well. His 'hero phone' rang again. It was Zatanna. Batman had forwarded her to him. Supergirl and Powergirl had some rather persistent stalkers that had learned some magic. They had gone to Zee for help. Her locator spells were being blocked. She needed help tracking them down. Could they meet that night? He was having a dinner party. She should come. Everyone there was part of their community. Kara and Karen should come too. Get away from the city with the stalkers for a bit. In costume would be best. Centaur wine? Sure why not.
Okay so that was the last mystery girl and the reason for the blondes being there. It also gives an explanation for why all the women there wanted to get naked. Magic wine from Greeks? Probably had minor aphrodisiac like effects. That plus Ivy's pheromones…
Well now he knew where he was, why he was there, who was there with him, and why they were there with him. He was also fairly sure what they did… oh shit. This was a hotel. This orgy thing clearly hadn't been planned. He highly doubted any of them stopped to run to a store once things started to progress. He definitely hadn't worn a condom. He knew from experience that Barbara was terrible at taking her pill and Kori said they made her feel sick the one time she tried them. The rest were in the air even if he ignored the possible effects of magic wine.
'In other circumstances waking up like this would be an incredible ego boost. And the memories would be cherished forever.' Too bad that at the moment the only memory he has of the actual sex is throwing Harley on the bed while Karen and Ivy pressed themselves against him. Hopefully he'd be able to recall more when he was in a less dangerous place.
He opened his eyes again, this time taking the time to take in more than just the forms and faces of the women with him. Two medium sized widows with a decent overview of the city. The room was a mess with clothes everywhere, chocolate and strawberry stains, whipped cream splatters, dents in the walls, the chair that came with the room was knocked over backwards, the tv cabinet was half open and a bit splintered. He could see three cellphones propped up in different spots around the room, four runestones positioned like cameras- two each of two different styles-, and three of Barbara's spy cams which meant either one or three more were in places he couldn't see from where he was laying down if she kept to her usual patterns with cameras. Maybe he wouldn't need to recall those memories to relive the drunken reverse gangbang he had been a part of. If any of the girls were feeling kind enough to share the video that is, or if one of those phones turned out to be his. But again, first he had to get out of this alive and preferably unharmed.
"I know you're awake 'Wing." Karen mumbled contently from her resting place samwitching her counterpart between her and Donna. "Your breath hitched a bit when you woke up."
So much for getting away without being seen. "Be honest PG, am I going to go to heaven permanently because of my visit last night?" He asked in what he hoped was a light hearted joking voice.
The busty blonde hummed, "I won't be sending you there, and I doubt Supergirl, Troia, Starfire, Zatanna, Batgirl, or Harley will be either given how they were acting last night."
"That still leaves Ivy, Cheshire, and Raven." He pointed out.
"Cheshire and Raven are impossible for anyone other than a Bat to read and Ivy is Ivy." She shot back both teasingly and still sleepily. If he had to guess she was still basking in the afterglow.
He swallowed as heavily as he dared. "Weird thing to ask but, are you on birth control?" He asked.
"Human pills don't work on Kryptonians and neither Kal or I ever really bothered to rediscover the Kryptonian equivalent." Her voice now held a small sliver of worry. "Since you asked I'm guessing you never got snipped?"
"I long ago swore to never get any kind of surgery that wasn't vital to my life." The idea of being drugged and under the knife had terrified him long before he was even Robin and he hated even going to the dentist to this day. "I'm actually more potent than the majority."
"...Kryptonians can't abort when powered by a yellow sun without extreme risks to their lives. And that would be assuming we wanted to." Which by the tone of her voice at the very least Karen didn't and expected Kara wouldn't.
"And both Amazonian and Tameranian culture are incredibly against even considering such." Dick nodded slightly in acknowledgement about the pregnancy risk. Granted for Amazonians there were some groups on Themyscira who would be more than fine with killing a newborn if it turned out to be a boy, but before birth they were very protective no matter the sex of the child. "Those plus Raven and Harley hating the mere concept means at least six."
"Only if everyone was unprotected and compatible with human DNA."
"You all are, even Ivy despite her genetic alterations and mutations. Both the League and the Titans are very thorough when testing blood and genetics." Funnily enough it was Superman who insisted on that, not Batman.
"Then I guess congratulations are in order huh?" She joked, finally lifting herself up a bit from her resting place.
"Right back at you."
"You better not propose because of this." She joked.
"I have a bad track record with fiancees. I think I'm destined for common law or bachelorhood."
"You are destined for a very full house with at least a few rotating kids. You, Kara and I are going to be living together to raise these kids. The rest are free to join if they want but you don't have a choice. Fathers are important."
Dick gave a small huffing laugh. "Guess I'll be abusing the teleporters from now on to be on time for patrols." He said as way of agreement.
"I'll start moving my equipment in tomorrow." Barbara broke in, revealing her own state of consciousness. "Spoiler or Black Bat can take Batgirl back. Oracle is a better position for a mother anyway."
"And I shall remove myself and Raven from the field duty rosters if we test positive." And apparently Kori was awake as well.
"You definitely will. That wine wasn't Centaur, it was Satyr. That fucking merchant lied to me." That was Zatanna. He really should just assume they were all awake at this point.
"Getting drunk on fertility wine is not what I was expecting when I agreed to catch up Nightwing." Donna groaned into Kara's hair.
"Why is everyone just ignoring the fact that Harley and Ivy will be the mothers of our kids half siblings?" Well apparently Donna's current pillow had some legitimate concerns that they really should have already thought of. He blamed the hangover.
"Yeah, living my whole life in costume to make sure neither their kids or them learn who I am doesn't sound appealing." Barbara joined her friend in worrying.
"There are rituals that will ensure they can't take any action that would bring harm to family, and if we link it right that would include the mothers and father of their children and said children's half siblings." Calm and collected Raven to the rescue. "It's two way but it would mean we don't have to hide our identities from each other."
"I'm in if Pamy is!" How the hell was Harley so energetic right now?
The green woman sighed loudly. "I will agree only if you promise to help with some non-lethal forms of environmentalism I have planned… and that this won't be a one time thing." Plant lady was horny. Go figure.
"I'll agree to the tree saving but I can only promise myself for future sexcapades." Dick told her.
"I'll take it. There'll be plenty of time to get the others to agree anyways." Well she sure seemed confident in herself. Hopefully that didn't mean she planned on drugging them when she came to drop off or pick up her and Harley's kids.
"That just leaves you Jade. You in?" He called over to the last girl in the bed.
The assassin let out a deep hum, "I have been wanting to be a mother again, and being a part of a 'sisterhood' that includes several of the most dangerous women in the world and one of the world's best detectives and assassins could only be good for a kid's safety and mine if things go bad."
"...I'm not an assassin."
"And yet you are still considered one of the best. Also one of the best thieves and small unit tactic developers. The League of Shadows doesn't forget what those who stand against them can do." She purred.
He'll just take that as a compliment and move on. Besides, he was trained as an assassin by Deathstroke, the Court of Owls, and Batman, and was a tried and true thief from his time as Red X so as much as he didn't like to admit it what the woman said was true.
"Since we are all in agreement." Barbara groaned, finally pushing herself up from Dick's chest and as a consequence giving not only him but everyone who wanted one a very lovely view of her pale, slightly glimmering tits, "Zatanna and Raven, you two should get started on that ritual while we are all here. Anyone who wants to join Nightwing, Power Girl, Supergirl, and me in an extra large family home talk to the baby daddy and PG then we can take turns showering. When all thats said and done we'll order some room service and figure out how we are going to break the news to the League, Titans, Wonderwoman, Superman, and Batman." The beautiful redhead shot Harley a playful glare, "And before you ask Harley, no you can not join me in the shower. Until the ritual is done and all secret IDs are secured we will be taking the minimal precautions to ensure our safeties."
Oh yeah, they had to tell Bruce about all this. And Wonder Woman and Superman were going to kill him. Fun.
And that's chapter one of this Crackfic! Remember to tell me what you all think!
