The binding ritual has been done, their hangovers delt with, and the remains of their clothes found and put on. Now Dick just has to tell his family and friends about his upcoming fatherhood and he can go hide wherever Karen and Zatanna where setting up their 'little' group's new home until he's no longer in danger of being killed by overprotective and/or jealous heroes and heroines. ((I'm ignoring certain bits of current canon such as Alfred being dead and... is Superman still part of the Daily Planet? Whatever, consider things at 'status quo' for the purposes of this story.))

Also, please remember that this is first and foremost a crack fic. Very little actual planning is going into each chapter at this point so it may read clunkily and not all reactions will be as fleshed out or as funny as they could be.


The BatFam

Less than twenty four hours after waking up in what he had briefly thought would be his deathbed Dick took a deep, ragged breath in an attempt to calm himself for what he was about to do, unable to stop himself from looking sidelong at Barbara standing next to him. The two of them had agreed that they would tell Bruce and the rest of the Gotham heroes that worked with the two of them first before he went off to tell Clark, Diana, Roy, and the Titans about what was happening and she went to tell her father, though she would be leaving out the whole magic wine and superheroines and villainesses things. The shock of his baby girl being one of nearly a dozen woman knocked up by one guy- a guy he had long been on the fence about actually liking- all on one night would be enough.

"You ready for this?" He asked his ex fiance.

She gave a determined nod, "Lets get this over with, we both have have other places we need to be today." Her piece said she grabbed his hand in a grip that betrayed her own nervous state with how tight it was.

Hand in hand the two veterine heroes walked into one of the Wayne Manor's living rooms where Bruce, Alred, Jason, Tim, Damien, Cass, and Stephanie were already waiting for them. They had called for Duke as well, but he couldn't make it. Not that it would matter too much, he would no doubt hear all about their news by dawn the next day. Almost as one the occupants of the room looked up towards the two new entrees, all of them no doubt instantly taking in their nervous if happy states and their clasped hands.

"Thanks for being here everyone," Dick began, his voice strong and steady despite his panic. Bruce was his 'father' so he had to do the talking here. He could do this damn it. He had commanded royals in battle, defied demon lords, and pissed off mass murdering psycos on purpose. He could deal with telling his family he had had unprotected sex. "Babs and I have some pretty important news that we wanted to share with you."

"Oh god, are you two engaged again?" Tim dropped his head down and groaned, likely thinking this was just another engagement announcement.

Dick's brows furrowed, "N-no…" his head turned to look at the shorter woman beside him, "We aren't. Right?" He had assured Karen that he wasn't going to propose just because the girls were pregnant, but he hadn't asked any of them their own stances on that decision.

"Not this time." She shook her head.

Dick nodded and turned back to his family. "No, the reason we called you here is to let you all know that, well…" He cleared his throat loudly and refused to meet any of their eyes. "Babs is pregnant, I'm the father." That was only a small part of the news of course, but it was more than enough to cause a near uprising.

"The FUCK did you just say!?" Jason gaped, his eyes almost popping out of his head. Stephanie fell out of her chair with a yelp. Cass was blinking faster than a rapid shutter camera. Damien squealed loudly in shock. Tim made a choked gurgling sound. Bruce looked like he was about to faint. And Alfred… Alfred barely blinked at the news.

"Congratulations the both of you." The old butler gave a small bow to his former charge and the young woman who had long been a staple at the manor.

Dick gave his practical grandfather a small grateful smile, "Thanks Alfie." He told the refined man, his shoulders finally losing a bit of tension. "But, uh, that's not all of it." He admitted.

"There's more?!" Steph gasped, seemingly recovered from her unexpected trip to the floor. "What they hell compares to that?" Now granted the question wasn't without founding, usually the announcement of a pregnancy was considered the headliner, not the opening act after all.

"I'm...kinda not the only one who's pregnant." Barbara admitted, answering the question in Dick's stead.

"You mean you also impregnated that alien Harlot?" Damien demanded an answer from his brother and former mentor, "I expected more from you Grayson." He shook his head in disappointment at the first Robin's actions.

Poor Bruce looked like he might have died from shock.

"Don't call Kori a harlot Dami." Dick admonish his youngest brother, having never liked how he tended to classify many women he didn't like as 'harlots' and men he found wanting 'pathetic fools'. He really had to learn there were more types of people than just the kind he was raised to fear and respect. "and yes, she and I are also having a child together… but that still isn't everything…"

By that point even the formally composed Alfred was starting to look like he was being put on his back foot. Apparently one unexpected pregnancy involving a woman that they all knew and saw as practically family was significantly easier to deal with than hearing that a second woman was also involved, and more besides.

"Calling it now," Jason cut in, throwing his arms up in the air, "Aquagirl, Poison Ivy, or Miss Martian." He rattled off three names, "Its gotta be a redhead, Dickhead can't keep his dick in his unitard when a redhead is around." Which, okay that was rude. He had never even thought about M'gann that way before! And he had only done oral with Tula that one time! Just because he had a thing for red hair didn't mean he lost all control over himself when he saw a girl with that pigmentation!

"... Pamela Isley is also pregnant." Dick sighed, "but again, that's not everything." He aggressively pointed at the second Robin before he could go off again. "Look just let me tell you all!" He snapped. Seriously this was hard enough as it was, couldn't they just him talk? He took a deep breath, "In addition to Babs, Kori, and Ivy, Zatanna, Supergirl, Power Girl, Raven, Cheshire, Harley, and Toria are all having children with me and are already pregnant as of yesterday according to Zatanna's magic." He revealed hastily, listing off all the remaining girls at once, using their non-civilian names to make sure that they would all know who he was talking about. Unlike him not everyone made it a point to know both identities of all their allies and opponents.

"I," Bruce finally spoke up, though it was closer to a whisper than his usual far reaching voice, "I sent Zatanna, Supergirl, and Power Girl to you to help them with a group of fanatic fans."

Dick rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, Barbara's own hand still occupying the other, "They decided to stay for dinner and things got… out of hand."

"That must have been some dinner." Stephanie mumbled, clearly not comprehending how things could go from a nighttime meal to ten women of various affiliations and levels of power ending up pregnant by one guy in one night.

"It was more the wine and me being high off my ass." Dick admitted.

"Wait, you were high and you still got four of the five internationally most sexually desired women in bed with you at once?" Tim asked with cleat awe in his voice.

Oh yeah, Karen, Zatanna, Ivy, and Starfire were all somewhat officially the sexiest women on Earth along with Diana as Wonder Woman… wow when he thought of it like that his situation just got even more absurd. "Well, yeah, and we are all going to be living together on a secret island that Zee and Power Girl are going to make with magic and Kryptonian tech in some kind of mansion that they are also making with the same stuff."

Jason brought his hands together in front of his nose as if in prayer, breathing in deeply before he responded to that bit of information. "Okay, first, fuck you you lucky fucking jackass man whore bastard. Second, what the hell kind of shit were you smoking and where can I get some? Third, is your life just some kind of trippy wish fullfillment porno now?" Apparently he had reached the point of being one hundred percent done with… everything at the moment.

"Well first, that was hurtful and uncalled for." Dick began, "Second, I have no idea what the hell I was on so I couldn't tell you even if it wasn't incredibly irresponsible to do so. Third, you are under the assumption that the eleven of us will just be taking every new opportunity we can to go at it like rabbits instead of us trying to remain functional enough to continue to live together in order to provide a somewhat stable home for at least ten kids."

Barbara cleared her throat, "Actually, Kori, Harley, and Ivy all kinda implied we would be."

"... Oh good gods my life might be a porno."

Superman

"Hey Clark!" Kara greeted her cousin happily, her, her duplicate, and Dick walking grandiosity onto the top floor of the Daily Planet building, one of the only two floors that are actually dedicated to said paper in the highrise.

"Kara, Karen, Dick." The currently civilian Superman gave the trio a small nod in response to the greeting, "What are you three doing here?" He asked them.

"Yeah its not exactly family and… godchild I guess day." Lois Lane-Kent made herself known, walking up behind her husband's desk.

"Not his godchild. More his pseudo nephew if anything." Dick corrected her, "And we know. We just have to tell Clark something and thought this would be the best place to do it."

Clark's eyes narrowed in suspicion at the declaration. His work being the 'best place' to tell him something didn't exactly sit well with him. It was like they were trying to limit his reactions. "What exactly is this news?" He asked them slowly.

"Promise you won't freak out." Karen ordered, "Promise that after we tell you what we have to say you will stay calm, keep sitting right where you are and not go crazy."

"You aren't helping to keep me calm Karen." Clark joked.

"They're both pregnant, I'm the father, there are eight other women in the same boat because of a drunken drug filled orgy we all had together and we are going to live on an uncharted island together." Dick quickly rattled off. "Bye!" And with that he bolted for the stairs with the two blonde women right behind him.

"WHAT!?" The last son of Krypton bellowed, jumping up from his desk.

"Holy shit!" Lois yelped, almost tripping over her own heels.

"We'll let you know the sexes when the time comes!" Dick yelled over his shoulder as the door to the stairwell slammed close behind him. They had maybe ten seconds before the legendary hero made his own way to the nearly abandoned stairwell and had the privacy needed to start using his own powers to chase them down, meaning they had maybe two thirds of that to get to the teleporter relay on the roof and get the fuck out of there.

Wonder Woman

"There aren't any weird Amazonian rituals that involve me possibly dying for knocking up a royal right?" Dick asked Donna nervously as the two of them made their way down the hall towards her sister's apartment.

"Not for impregnation no. Marriage is meant to include a wrestling match to showcase your worthiness." Donna assured him, "Worst case scenario is you might have to meet my mother on Themyscira where she might just kill you on principle… or she might pin you and make you give me another sibling."

That was… actually a pretty awesome thought. The Amazon Queen was incredibly beautiful, like on the same level as her daughters beautiful but blonde instead of raven haired… half the time anyway… he actually had no idea what her natural hair color was.

Donna smacked her friend upside the back of his head, "Stop thinking about having sex with my mother we are about to tell my sister you knocked me up." She abolished, the two of them stopping in front of Diana's door. "Let me do the talking." The younger Amazonian princess ordered as she knocked on her sister's door.

Dick didn't get a chance to respond before Diana was already opening the door, revealing her smiling face… well it was smiling for a second at least. As soon as she saw who is was, particularly that Dick was there with her sister, she scowled. "Clark called."

Well fuck. Guess he'll die then.

"I expect to be named godmother of your child Donna and Dick is to meet mother before the birth. I will arrange a neutral meeting place but I suggest you wear your armor Richard."

Oh, maybe not then.

"If mother calls for him to take on the trial of Aphrodite I will not intervene on his behalf, he will fail or pass on his own merit on that day." She continued, her address quickly reverting back to her sister.

He didn't know if he should be aroused, scared, or confused at that bit of information. Why the hell would the Amazons have a trial of Aphrodite? Didn't they originally worship Ares and are currently under the protection of Hera, Athena, and Hestia? Damn it he really should have asked Donna more questions about her people. He really wanted to know what the hell he was in for.

Diana turned back to Dick, "I must ask you to leave us Dick." She said primly, her identity as a princess shining through, "Donna and I have a great deal to speak about that concerns us as sisters and Amazons and since you two are unwed it would not do for you to take part at this time. You may ask her for any details that concern you later."

The acrobat gave a grateful nod and hurried away, barely pausing to give Donna a supportive squeeze on her shoulder before he left. He was being given an out to get away from the terrifying vintage that was the most competent super powered female warrior known to mankind when he was in her crosshairs and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to take it. Plus he was leaving before she gave him any permanent injury, mental trauma, or a fear boner. Bonus!

Roy

"I can't believe its been almost a year since the three of us did something like this." Wally chuckled into his beer, he and the other two 'OG sidekicks' having met up at a sports bar in Star City at the request of the youngest of their number.

"Yeah, work has been a bitch." Roy agreed as he threw some of the free pretzels in his mouth. "How are things with Linda and by the way? They adjusting to things okay?" He asked the Speedster, referring to the other redhead's wife getting her memories from a previous timeline back and his two kids from an unstable dimension coming to live with him on their own Earth.

Wally shrugged, "Better than you might expect all things considered. Though Linda started studying up on psychology and self help stuff after I told her what happened at the Sanctuary… I really am sorry about that Roy." The Fastest Man Alive winced at the memory of his actions back then.

The archer waved him off, "We've all done a lot of fucked up shit over the years, and I'm fine now so no harm no foul." He turned to face the suspiciously quiet third member of their little party. "What about you Dick? There a reason you called us here or did you just miss my beautiful face?" He joked.

Dick gave a small chuckle, "As much as I have missed you guys thats not why I called you both here." He admitted, "I actually have some news that I wanted to tell you both… but before I do that I have a request to make."

Wally looked at his friend with concern, "What is it Dick?"

"I need you two to switch seats. I can't be sitting next to Roy when I say this."

"You realize how suspicious that makes you sound right?" Roy asked seriously, though he did get up and switch seats with his other friend.

"Yeah well… I knocked up ten women yesterday night, including Babs and Kori…" He began.

"Damn man you really are a ho!"

"How in the hell did you pull that off?" The two redheads with him exclaimed at the same time. "Also why did I have to move my seat for that?"

"...because one of the other eight girls was Jade."

"..."

"..."

"Before you kill me I would like to point out that you fucked my ex fiance back when you thought she had amnesia." ((AN: I didn't actually read that run of Outlaws. Did Roy actually have sex with Starfire and did she actually have memory loss? I have heard that she was faking it for some reason.))

"... I'm not going to kill you. If you were within arm's reach I'd break your jaw but I'm not going to kill you." Roy sighed, rubbing at the loose skin under his eyes with one hand, "Jade and I… we buried that part of our lives with Lian. Hell even before that in some ways." He gave a humorless chuckle, "Don't get me wrong I'm incredibly pissed off, but give me a few days and I'll start calling you a man whore again and we can move past all of this." He stood up from his seat and began walking toward the door, not sparing his old friend a single glace. "Congratulations on your upcoming fatherhood. There really is nothing like it, believe me." He said sadly, his eyes unseeing as he thought of days long past. And just like that he was gone, the door to the bar swinging shut behind him.

Wally sighed, setting down his now empty mug. "I'm gonna go talk to him. I'll see you later Dick." Wally gave him a pat on his shoulder before quickly following after the shaken archer.

"That went about as well as I could expect I guess." Dick hung his head down.

"Bros don't fuck a bro's ex." The bar tender grunted.


I was going to do one more scene where Dick goes to the Island he and the girls are going to be living at for the first time, but the scene I had in mind for that didn't fit the tone of how his interaction with Roy and Wally ended so it got scrapped. From here on out there will be a lot of casual nudity and teasing, but if you want actual sex scenes you will not be finding them here. Maybe I'll write a different story sometime that involves Dick getting it on with a bunch of women but this story is for crack and humor, not smut. Nevertheless, I hope you have enjoyed it so far and please leave a comment down below. See you all next time!