Author's Note: Hopefully, this chapter will bring smiles to your lips despite all the turmoil on the news. Stay safe. Stay well. - RS
Monday, November 23, 2020
Sam stood on the opposite side of the force shield as the sound of Jaffa steps behind her could be heard growing closer. For every instinctive nerve in her body that went on alert, two flared for the Colonel.
He tried to hit the control panel, like he could somehow break it open so she could tell him how to disable the barrier between them.
"Sir, there's no time."
Dread shuddered through her as the memory surged again. "Sir, there's no time."
The anger. The shock. The dismay. All of which had cycled so nakedly in his eyes that she hadn't been able to deny herself one moment of truth between them. One expression where she allowed herself to beg him with her eyes not to stay. To admit that making him see her die like this would be the most painful thing for her. Worse than death.
"I'd have rather died myself than lose Carter."
The red circle.
The numbness as Anise asked why.
The nausea that churned when she second-guessed her instincts. Hoping that his special forces training was still fighting her. "Sir..."
The deadness in his eyes as he finally said what she'd suspected. "Because I care about her... A lot more than I'm supposed to."
The mixed emotion when the circle turned blue again and Anise said he wasn't a za'tarc with a sigh of relief. The way Sam forced herself not to care as she released the Colonel from the restraints. "Now, retest me."
"Kill him." Fifth. Over her replicator duplicate's shoulder.
A single shot through the heart as he slumped to the ground, not fifteen feet from where she'd given Martouf a fatal shot after the za'tarc testing was over. The inevitability of her betrayal cementing into the last expression on his face.
The way he held the pocket-sized Bible in his hand. "I'm no expert on this thing, but I seem to recall a commandment. I think it's the first one..."
She'd rattled off the commandment about not having other gods.
He'd given her a look of chagrin. "Okay, so maybe it's not the first. I'm talking about the no killing one? Every time you break it, no matter the reason, you get one step closer to Hanson."
Sam wiped away tears as she blinked awake in the middle of the night. Trembled as she pressed shaking hands to her face to wipe away the emotion.
Everything was supposed to be easier now. Better, now that they had given up pretending there hadn't been this pull between them. Instead, it felt like something more immovable, more steadfast than that forcefield wedged itself between them. And she didn't know how to stop it. Even though she felt more and more sure it was her own fault that it had appeared in the first place.
She looked at the other side of the bed and sighed. Not for the first time in the last few months, Jack hadn't come to bed. Had probably slept on the foldout bed in the sectional.
Her heart ached for him. For his arms around her. And if she'd been at her full strength, she might have gone down and slipped into bed beside him. Tugged his arms around her. Whispered that she was sorry for being as irrational as she was. Even that she was scared she would lose him. Not from a physical threat but more permanently. That she'd be the reason he walked away one day.
She felt so alone.
Aqua stirred beside her on the bed, and Sam rubbed the length of the dog's torso. Do you remember those flowers? The ones that sing? Those are probably my favorite.
Do you remember when we got married? God, you looked beautiful.
Jack's phone calls when she'd first isolated herself had been her lifeline. Then, she'd slipped into that dream world, unable to stay awake longer than a few minutes, and she'd been taken to the ICU. Everything had changed after that.
He'd been the first to suggest they move to an apartment. Two bedrooms. All on the same floor. An elevator. Maybe even a first floor apartment.
Anything to help her stay independent as she healed.
"I'm not an invalid, Jack, I'm just tired. In a week or two I'll be back to my old self."
His brown eyes had betrayed him. He hadn't believed her. But he hadn't argued with her. Just tried to pretend like he couldn't see her physical and mental decline.
He'd been right. Six months later, she still couldn't climb the stairs without wheezing. Without stopping for a rest halfway up. Uncharacteristic for someone who had trained her body and mind as diligently as she had.
She should have let Jack sell the house and buy an apartment. Then, she wouldn't still be up here in their cold bed wishing for his strong arms to wrap themselves around her and reassure her that they'd make it out of this, too.
She reached for her cell phone and downloaded a real estate app. Maybe she'd just do some research. Make the first gesture with Jack by admitting he was right about staying in this house.
Her head pounded within seconds of turning on the electronic screen. She sighed as she clicked it off again and rested her head back on the pillow. Everything had turned upside down in the last year. She could hardly recognize her life anymore. When would it all end?
She knocked on Jack's office door, hoping she'd caught him between meetings. He must have been reading reports because he looked up from his laptop as she entered. "You need something, Sam?"
She shook her head. "Mark called and invited us to a virtual Thanksgiving on Thursday."
From the look in Jack's eyes, he wasn't terribly thrilled by the invitation, but he nodded. "What time?"
Sam shrugged. "He said they were going to sit down to eat around two, so it would be later for us. I warned him that the glare of electronics still gives me a headache, so if you don't want—"
Jack waved her concern away. "I think we can manage a few minutes for Mark at least. He's your brother, after all."
She nodded. That had been about what she'd expected. "I'll text him back later, then."
She sat in one of the chairs opposite his desk, and he eyed her, warily. "Something else?"
She looked down at her hands. "You didn't come to bed last night."
His jaw tensed. "Didn't think you would notice."
Sam rocked back, the words hitting her as if he'd delivered a physical blow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just what I said. We don't talk anymore, Sam. I second-guess even the smallest tokens of physical affection because if you don't brush them off, you give me this resentful look like I'm patronizing you."
She crossed her arms as she stiffened. "It's not that bad."
Jack's eyes widened. "Not that bad? Sam, I'm not just making this up. We flirted more in the eight years at the SGC than we have since you got back from the hospital."
She winced. If that was true, it was a pathetic statement of their love life.
He sighed. "Look, I get you have a lot on your plate right now, but it hasn't been that easy to be on this side either. I don't want to push you. Never have. I just don't know how much longer I can do this."
Fear closed in around her like a dark cloud. "It's not exactly what you signed up for, is it?"
He didn't speak, but she could see in his warm eyes that she'd hit the nail on the head. "I think I know what you mean by that, and while you've missed the mark on that, you're not technically wrong."
She raised an eyebrow, afraid to know what he was thinking.
He closed his laptop and walked over to her. Sat in the other leather armchair they'd bought six years ago when her project while she had leave was styling his home office.
He took her hand in his, and shame swelled inside her to realize how unfamiliar the sensation was. As strange as things were when she came home from living on the Hammond for most of the year. Only she'd been here beside him, for the most part, for almost eight months.
"Carter—"
Tears welled up in her eyes, but she didn't let go of his hand. "We were closer when I was on the Hammond, weren't we?"
He hesitated before he nodded. "Those first couple weeks when you were back were nice, but yeah. In some ways we were closer when I would send you my daily emails and you would send me a video message every time you had a few hours off."
A wry smile played on his lips though it didn't negate the pain in his eyes. "Hell, we were closer when you were at Cheyenne Mountain, and I was in DC back when we started all this."
"But everything changed this year."
He nodded. "Starting with you locking me out of the bedroom, if I'm honest."
She closed her eyes in self-deprecation. "I told you why I did it, Jack."
"I know, and as strange as it sounds, I don't blame you. But there's this wall between us, and I can't seem to get it to budge an inch. I don't know if it's you, if it's me, if we're both responsible, if this is just what it looks like when a couple stays together through something huge and life-altering. I mean, my eyes just about fell out of my head when you were asking Landry about finding someone more permanent to command the Hammond. For more than one reason, I feel like I should have known that was going on in your head."
Sam opened her mouth to speak when Jack's desk phone rang. The secured line.
Jack heaved a sigh as he let go of her hand. "Are you kidding me?"
"Go save the world." She patted his knee. "We can talk later."
"I'm gonna hold you to that, Sam."
Her legs felt almost like jelly as she stood, but she still managed to give Jack a level expression. "I hope you do."
Almost as an afterthought, he leaned in and nipped at her lips. She caught hold of his fingers as her eyes closed instinctively. He was right. It had been far too long since they'd done that.
His brown eyes were warm as he leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere, but something has to change."
She squeezed at his hand. "I know. Me, too."
He sighed as he turned back to the desk and picked up the phone. "O'Neill."
As strange as it seemed, Sam's heart felt a little lighter as she walked out of the office than it had been in a long time.
But they still had so far to go.
"Sam."
Her eyelids felt heavy, like they were made of stone, as she tried to wake herself. Gone were the days where she had enough energy to last through the day. Instead, she found herself taking cat naps the way she used to when she'd pulled an all-nighter and had a mission the next morning.
Still, she refused to let herself ask for the five more minutes she wanted to ask for. She was too disciplined an officer for such a thing. She pressed a hand to her forehead as she blinked at the figure over her. "Cassandra?"
The woman's auburn waves were pulled back into a ponytail, and a cotton mask with a bicycle scene against falling leaves covered her nose and mouth. Still, her green eyes almost sparkled with enthusiasm. "Are you surprised?"
Sam's throat tightened with emotion. "Surprised? I'm still not sure what's going on."
"We've rented a house in the area."
Sam blinked as Greg came into view with Sam's namesake, who was now six months old, squirming in his arms. "Rented a—"
Cassie apparently caught Sam's concern. "It's just through the holidays. The kids are all in online school this fall, and Greg's working from home. I can paint wherever, so we isolated in Colorado for the last two weeks so we could be out here for Thanksgiving. The plan is to stay through Christmas."
Sam got herself to a sitting position and grabbed the woman by the shoulders. The women hugged fiercely, even though Sam's mind swam, still unable to process that Cassandra was here. In front of her. Hugging her.
Cassie wiped away a tear when Sam finally released her. "Jack took the kids to the backyard to play with Aqua so they won't swarm you. Greg and I thought it might be the perfect time to introduce you to your namesake."
Greg passed the baby with soft blond curls off to her mother. Then, he bent down and kissed his wife. "You two catch up. I'm gonna go save Jack."
Sam reached for the baby's fingers, in awe of the tiny creature who seemed equally transfixed by her surrogate grandmother. "Oh, don't let him fool you. He's in hog heaven."
The soft smile of affection on Cassie's lips slipped away as Greg went out the backyard to the happy chatter of children, punctuated with playful yips from the dog. Only after Cassie settled the baby on Sam's lap did she turn analytical eyes to the Air Force Colonel. "Jack says you've been having a rough few months."
Sam didn't answer, just cooed to the baby on her lap. After a few moments, she looked at Cassie. "Look, I'd rather not talk about how I'm doing right now. Truth is, I'm wondering if I shouldn't have a medical discharge instead of just a medical leave."
Cassie's eyes widened. "What?"
Sam's smile was soft and sad. "I couldn't even help your kids with basic algebra. I'm taking naps in the middle of the day, and I can't even promise that I'll FaceTime with my brother for more than a few minutes on Thanksgiving Day because of the glare of the electronics. Cassie, there is nothing I want more than to go back to the way things were, but maybe I need to just surrender."
Cassie's expression grew troubled with Sam's words. "I remember telling you and my mom once that we shouldn't fight the retrovirus when I was fifteen. Tried to tell you that we might not be able to fight it. You quite rightly reminded me that you and Mom had strong feelings any time anyone issued that kind of challenge."
There was a pang of loneliness as Sam remembered her friend. They'd tackled several scientific improbabilities over the years together. She wondered for a second what Janet would have said if she'd been here when Sam got sick. If things would have been different.
Sam just offered Cassie a thin smile. "That was a long time ago, Cassandra... And at least back then, I could still think clearly."
Cassandra looked down at her hands as if to try to figure out what she could say.
Wishing she could apologize for putting a damper on the younger woman's mood, Sam reached over and squeezed her hand. "But tonight, we celebrate because this house is going to be full of family and faith in the future."
Cassandra squeezed her hand back. "You better believe it will be."
The sight of Jack listening in rapt attention to each of Cassandra's three boys as they chattered on about what had happened since they'd last seen the Air Force general made Sam's heart melt. Jack had been onto something when he'd called her Grandma Sam before this illness had taken root in her. She could easily buy Jack as a grandfather to these kids. They adored him, and he was equally enthralled with them.
Catching moments where Cassie consulted with Jack about what she could bring for Thanksgiving on Thursday and little moments where Greg and Cassie assisted each of their children while Sam let the baby climb all over her filled her with a sense of satisfaction and peace she hadn't even known she'd been missing.
Then, Jack had caught her eye as he dished out the pizza, and her heart had swelled with so much love for him that she'd been almost afraid her heart would burst. This man, this husband of hers, who had admitted just this morning that he thought they were unbearably out of sync, had given her the gift she couldn't have anticipated she needed.
She thought of the dreams which had so nearly taken her away from all of this. She'd been a fool long before her brain succumbed to illness. A fool to wish for more than she had.
This was so much better than anything her imagination could have dreamed up.
She left the door open when she retired for the evening. Any attempt at keeping Aqua out of their bed was already sabotaged, but Sam hoped that the open door would be a signal the truce she was prepared to offer her husband.
Sure enough, once Jack had cleaned up after their guests downstairs, he crept up the stairs.
He'd been almost hesitant to walk into their room with the door open and her still awake. He gestured to the door. "Do you want me to close—"
She shook her head and patted the space beside her. "You're incredible, Jack."
He looked confused, like he was walking into a trap. She'd done that to him, and that knowledge sent an almost physical ripple of pain through her. "You're gonna have to throw me a bone, Carter. Are you being sarcastic or is it my birthday—?"
As he sat beside her on the bed, she put her hands on his face. Studied every line. Every curve.
Her throat thickened and her eyes moistened, but she didn't look away. Not now.
"You don't even know why I've been pushing you away, and still you arrange this perfect holiday."
Jack shrugged as if it was no big deal, but she put her finger on his lips before he could say the words.
"I'm not going to let you hide behind your modesty, Jack. Not this time."
His brow furrowed the way it had when she'd tried to tell him that they weren't za'tarcs. That they'd been lying.
Only she loved him at least a hundred thousand times more now than she had back then.
She let her hands drop to his chest. "I promise I'll explain everything tomorrow."
Understanding touched his lips. "You're tired. As great a surprise as Cassie and her kids were, they were very busy and, dare I say it, a little loud."
Sam leaned her forehead against his shoulder as she laughed. The first sense of intimacy between them in far too long.
He kissed her temple. "Get some rest. I can be patient. I just needed you to know where I stood."
He moved to stand, but she caught his wrist, a pleading expression in her eyes. "Stay with me."
He quirked an eyebrow as if he hadn't expected that.
A humorless smile touched her lips as she used the phrase which had always seemed to help him see just how much she needed him. "Please... Jack..."
Though his eyes didn't become entirely unguarded with her, he yielded to her. Wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close as he took his rightful place beside her in bed.
He turned an apologetic smile to the dog. "Sorry, girl, but you're gonna have to find another bed to curl up on tonight."
Sam snuggled in closer to Jack, giving herself permission to lean on his strength for the first time in weeks. He kissed the top of her head as his hold tightened around her.
Even as her breathing deepened, a single thought passed through her mind. I should have done this months ago.
