What was she to do, what could she do? Nothing was the answer. She was as much a prisoner to her own mind as she was trapped inside the invisible walls. One day the beast would snap, and she would be helpless to stop it. How to end it...how to stop it...her mind whirled, it was an impossible equation she could never answer. She could feel the monster smile with glee, and she ground her teeth, a hopeless rage choking her.
You do realize this is all your doing? The monster suggested casually. She did realize it, and whether it was her fault or not, the shame still wrapped unrelenting claws around her throat.
I create myself.
Fool of a girl, she thought. Power of a god inside her head, she had seen everything, death, and life; she had held the world in her small hands. She had seen her own death.
I bring life.
And she did. Eternal life. She created herself into a being she wished she could be, for him. The day she met him, when he filled her head with the wonder of stars, she never wished to leave him, now she never would. The Doctor was right, the power was never meant for a soul to harness, least of all a human. She had gazed into it, and a beast had stared back.
There is something about the wolf about you.
And there it was inside her head. The Doctor had tried to save her, but the wolf had already made a home inside her. The Doctor would have to take her soul to extract the beast. He should have killed her.
She wondered why he didn't. Could he not see all that was, all that ever could be? Did he not see what she might become? He had left her standing on a beach in another realm. Perhaps that is why he left as he did, and locked her away in another world to keep the beast away. Still she wondered what had evoked the beast coming forth in the first place.
It had lain dormant for many years, all that time, and it never made an appearance. A memory wavered hazily in her minds eye, but like an echo she could feel the abhorrence and terror, and with wet eyes she hid it away, locked it deep, and threw away the key.
She stood alone in the room, unsure what she was waiting for. The black letters still hung eerily against the wall. No effort had been made to wipe the wall clean. She crossed her arms, hugging herself in a desperate effort to ease the rigid strain. Her eyes drifted from the counsel to the doorway that led deeper into the TARDIS. No thought propelled her, she was a void canvas of all thought, or emotion, so when she appeared at his doorway she walked straight over the threshold. There wasn't much in the room, just a chair, a bed, and a bedside table with odd objects scattered about the wooden surface, with a window which overlooked the vast expanse of stars.
He sat on the edge of his bed, his back toward her. She didn't have to face him to know his brow was scrunched together, deep in thought. She walked around the bed then slowly lowered herself into the chair.
"I'm sorry," she whispered gruffly. She could only see half his face, his hands resting underneath his chin, his mind millions of miles away. "That wasn't for you, those letters aren't for you," she continued, her fingers unconsciously traced the thread pattern of the chair arm, "although perhaps it is. It will eventually come after you. It hates us both."
Her eyes became heavy, her teeth snagging her lip. "I don't know how to stop it," her fingers continued their dance on the chair's arm, "I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to save you, but I can't save you from myself," she dug her nails into the chair, "I don't know what to do..."
Her voice trailed off, her nose burned, and an unwelcome wetness filled her eyes. The Doctor let out a troubled sigh, his fingers messaging his temple. He lay back on the bed, his arm covering his eyes. She tilted her head, gazing at his prone form.
"There has to be a way," she stood and treaded softly toward his side. "You always find a way to defeat the darkness."
His arm had fallen from his face, green eyes that reminded her of spring, gazed up at her.
"What would you say if you could see me now? See what I've become." Her eyes searched his, but he had slipped away into a foreign place, the room might as well be vacant. She lifted her gaze, a deep breath filling her lungs. Her sharp teeth again sank into her lip, and without a second thought she rounded the bed and climbed onto the empty spot beside him. She laid on her side, bringing her knees close to her chest, staring at his dark profile.
"Why did you lie to me?" She choked. "You shouldn't have left me, not there, especially not with him." Her fingertips where inches from his shoulder. "He wasn't you, you knew that. Hell, he was barely anything. He didn't last long, died a short while after you left. Why did you do it? You had to of known, why else would you have wiped Donna's memories in the first place. He suffered, it was so painful to watch. It was like I was watching you die, but it wasn't you. I had to keep telling myself that."
It was an old wound, one that had been patched with a multitude of bandages, and it began to slowly give away.
"I hated you. Maybe if you hadn't left, maybe this would never have happened. Maybe if you had tried to save me, kill me, anything, no threat would be hanging over our head. No, you had to shove me back into that false world, and now I'm a ghost with a monster stuck inside my head." The pillow beneath her cheek had become wet; angrily she swept away the tirade of tears from her eyes. "This is all your fault. I'm now a monster because of you. Maybe you thought by leaving me there in that world the problem would be fixed. Much good that did."
With a deep sigh the Doctor turned onto his side, his eyes now gazing back into hers. Her breath hiccupped, "now I'm not sure what's worse. Being stuck in a parallel world, or being stuck here." Her fingertips hover for a moment over his cheek, uncertain if she wanted to touch him.
"I don't know what happened. Maybe I do…I'm not sure. I think I just don't want to remember, just alike are we not?" She laughed softly.
She paused for a moment, lips pressed together in a tight line. "I think I forgave you long ago…not sure why or even if I should. Maybe it's the travel'n. I did miss it. There were so many wonders I hadn't seen, so many things I wanted to do, maybe I just forgot to be angry. I just wished you had told me."
She sighed heavily, "remember how I wanted forever? Now I've got it. Guess now I must pay the price. Why do people want immortality? No good comes of it, there is always a price to pay, one that is impossible to pay without losing yourself."
His eyes closed, a piece of his hair falling across his forehead.
"I'm scared," the words barely reached her ears, her voice straining until it ached, "there isn't anything I can do. It's already begun to take me. It's getting easier for it to take control. I'm powerless against it. Damn these voices in my head."
Her hand shook where she held it above his cheek. She lowered it slowly, then placed it gently on his wrist. "I wish there was a way to tell you. Maybe Clara will be smart enough to figure it out, she saw me once, it was a moment, but perhaps it can happen again. Though it is slightly embarrassing to that find your old companion has been haunting you…not that I've had much of a choice but still…" her thumb gently caressed the back of his hand, "I will find a way. I'm not gone yet."
He had drifted far away from her, but she cared not, he looked like a child, and all she wanted was to keep him close. She lay there with him, and savored the calm and quiet before the storm broke. How she dreaded the pending thunder.
