Author's Note:This story is based on Rachet and his reflections on his early days of being a medic and his feelings when one of his first patients didn't pull through.
/denotes own thoughts/
Denotes flashback events
''denotes flashback conversation''
Chapter 2: ''Unresponsive''
Rachet
It never got easier. I just got better at hiding it.
I sat alone in the Med Bay. It was 4am in the morning and I felt exhausted. Utterly and totally exhausted. We had not long returned to Deigo Garcia from our battle with Sentinel Prime and Megatron in Chicago. A battle we had only barely managed to win. A battle we left not only with severe injuries, but sadly, not all of us made it home – alive.
I sighed out loud in that human like action I had taken to mimicking and stood wearily to my pedes. The sound of my pedefalls echoed on the floor as I approached the comatose form of Arcee and began to check her vitals.
My optics skimmed her monitors, and my servos gently ran over the various lines and fresh, temporary welds on her body. /We almost lost you/. I gently stroked the side of her pretty face and my spark ached. /Too many – I had lost too many friends I cared about in this Primus forsaken war/. A flash of anger ignited deep within me but in truth – I hadn't the energy to fan the flames of rage and utter frustration. So, they flickered briefly in protest before they were extinguished.
The smell of burnt metal assaulted my enstrils and my optics were drawn to the dented, scorched and broken bodies of our comrades, Jolt, Skids and Mudflap. Once again, a loud sigh escaped my dermas as my aching body shuffled over to stand beside what remained of Mudflap. I raised my servo and placed it gently on what used to be the young bot's chest, and then his left arm.
While the silly twins Mudflap and Skids had been no less annoying, and at times even more so, than the other set of twins that seemed hell bent on destroying and eroding every shred of my sanity, they were so young in comparison. ''Far too young to have been caught up in a war and far too young to have lost their sparks.'' My voice sounded distant to my own audials as I found myself staring at a track of energon. It trickled slowly from large bullet holes that had shredded Mudflap's chest apart, running down to pool silently at his side.
I stood transfixed by the blue liquid. /Our life blood/.
My optics were drawn to the servo that had gently grasped Mudflap's arm and I watched in morbid fascination as droplets of energon ran in rivulets from my palm, down my wrist and arm.
''HELP! HELP ME!''
The voice was filled with agony and fear, and I searched wildly amongst the carnage for the owner. The sound of bomb blasts rocked the ground, and it seemed the very world around me was crumbling apart as the battle raged on.
''HELP ME! SOMEONE!''
The voice somehow rose above the cacophony, my audials straining to locate it. My optics scanned the piles of twisted, burning and shattered metal that littered what was once a main street in the proud city of Praxus. Now it was little more than a smoking ruin.
/There!/. Laying pinned under a large section of what was once a huge main support beam for a roof, lay the partially crushed body of an Autobot whose designation was unknown to me.
I hurried over to them, pushing aside debris from my path. The sound of missiles and lasers around me forgotten as I prepared to tend to a patient.
''It's okay, I'm here, you're not alone,'' I reassured them as their frightened optics searched for the owner of the voice. Their relief was palpable as I knelt beside them to assess the situation.
At the same moment hope was kindled in their spark at my arrival, any hope I would be able to save them, died in mine. Their wounds were grave indeed. I did not even know how they had survived the initial impact.
A shaky servo reached out weakly to find mine. ''Thank Primus you are here, I was beginning to think I was done for.'' Their voice was strained as they fought back some of the pain that no doubt assailed them, though a small smile spread across their dermas. A small trickle of energon escaping the corner and tracking down their chin.
I fought back a loud, frustrated sigh as I looked into the mech's optics and saw the hope, the gratitude and the fear that shone there and I knew I could not do it. I knew I could not walk away and leave them to their fate. However, soon that was likely to be.
There were countless other sparks that were strewn over this bloody battlefield that likely needed my attention right now and my processor told me it was pointless, that this mech was not going to make it, but I could not do it! I was a medic – it was my job, my oath, and my responsibility to not only preserve life, but to ease my patient's suffering as best I could.
I found myself managing to smile back at them as I gently squeezed their servo. ''Shhh.. save your strength..?'' my words trailed off as I silently questioned their designation.
Their optics had dimmed slightly, but they shook their helm. ''Ares, name's Ares.'' His denta clenched together and his optical ridge furrowed as he groaned in pain.
I squeezed his servo to remind him he was not alone. ''Well Ares, my name's Rachet and I'm going to try and help you. Now, hold still while I administer a sedative that will help ease the pain.''
There was a metallic coughing sound and a small laugh as Ares replied. ''Hold still? Not sure that'll be a problem Rachet. I can't really move. I've been trying to but…''
My spark twisted painfully in my chest. /He has no idea/. ''It's okay Ares, just conserve your energon.'' I reached into my supplies, hesitating momentarily. If I used this sedative, I may be depriving another spark, a spark who may just have a chance of pulling through, of much needed relief.
Are's set his optics on my face and the look of trust he sent me stirred my servo back into action. /I'll deal with that decision later, one thing at a time/.
There was a whistling sound and then the earth rocked, pieces of burning shrapnel rained down on us. I instinctively leant over to protect Ares as the missile exploded not far off to our right. My audials rang and I felt dazed.
Ares yelled loudly in pain as the weight of the beam and the rubble above it, having been disturbed by the explosion, pushed down upon him. ''AARRrrghh… Rachet! Please – hurts! Primus.. help me!'' The trust was replaced with desperation and fear.
''Hold on Ares! It's coming,'' As I produced the syringe with the light green sedative, another round of explosions tore through the streets around us. A hail of bombs and missiles rained down upon us and the world was on fire.
I growled and leaned over my patient, forcing my own fear deep down inside. ''HANG IN THERE ARES! HOLD ON, WE'LL BE OKAY, HOLD ON!'' I all but screamed at the red and black bot who had already been through so much. ''I'M NOT LEAVING YOU, HOLD ON!''
I closed my optics, so tightly I thought they might shatter. After what seemed an aeon, the ground stopped shaking, the sound of explosions died down and the acrid smoke began to clear.
I slowly raised myself up into a sitting position scarcely able to believe I had somehow managed to avoid being blown apart myself. Though my relief was short lived. As I looked down at Are's face, his optics were dark. A thick trail of energon flowed down from the corner of his dermas. His servo lay limply by his side.
''Ares?'' my voice was a whisper. I gently shook his shoulder strut. ''Ares? Answer me.''
No response.
''ARES!'' I screamed in anger as I shook him harder. I could not tell if the anger was directed at whoever sent those missiles, at Ares, or at me for not acting sooner and providing that poor mech some comfort in his final hours.
''RACHET!'' A deep, commanding voice erupted from behind me. ''Thank Primus you are safe. Quickly, fall in, we must make for Iacon. Our defenses here are breeched, we cannot hold them off. We will regroup and reclaim Praxus another day. QUICKLY!''
I could not move. I simply stared at Ares' lifeless body before me. The heavy pedefalls of Optimus Prime came to a stop beside me and a large servo gently, but urgently, squeezed my shoulders. ''Rachet. I'm sorry my friend, but he is gone. There is nothing you can do to save him now. Please. Come, quickly. There are many more sparks who will need your attention.''
I slowly rose to my pedes. My optics still locked onto Ares' body. My voice was a whisper. ''I didn't even get to help him. I didn't even get to give him any comfort, any relief before he died. What kind of medic am I Prime?''
That same deep voice drifted towards me, filled with compassion and encouragement. ''The best kind Rachet. You knew his chance of survival was non-existent and yet you stayed, in the middle of a war zone. You say you did not offer comfort or relief before he died. I beg to differ. Your very presence in his final moments Rachet would have been comfort enough.'' That same servo, gently but firmly bid me turn and follow. ''Rachet, please – come! There is much to be done and we all need your help. I need your help.''
I took one last look at the lifeless body of Ares and nodded my helm as I turned to follow my leader. ''AUTOBOTS, MOVE OUT!'' Prime bellowed and began to lead the small unit away.
I stepped forward preparing to fall in behind the others and as I did, I noticed a small track of energon trickling down from my servo, onto my arm. I watched in morbid fascination as it trailed down my arm and dripped onto the ground below.
''Rachet?'' that same voice, its warm, compassionate tones gently coaxed me from my memories. ''Are you okay old friend?'' A large, yet gentle servo squeezed my shoulder.
I sighed out loud, removed my servo from Mudflap's arm and shook my helm. ''I'm fine Prime, just… checking on Arcee. I'll be able to see to you and Phoenix presently.'' I moved to stand beside the unresponsive form of Arcee.
The pedefalls of my leader followed me. ''Rachet. You need to rest. You have gone straight from the battlefield to the operating room. While your skills and your stamina are remarkable, it is neither wise, advisable, or necessary to push yourself so hard. Phoenix and I will survive until tomorrow after you have gotten some recharge.''
I stood silently beside Arcee, my servo resting on her gurney. My optics once again drawn to the energon that was now caked on my arm.
There was a moment's silence before Prime's voice rumbled softly beside me. ''You were thinking about Ares again, weren't you?''
I nodded my helm slowly. ''Yes. I was.''
''Do you want to talk about it Rachet?'' Prime offered tentatively.
A derisive snort burst out of my enstrils. ''Talking about it won't bring him back. It won't change the fact I couldn't help him.'' I hung my helm in defeat and a quiet, seething anger. ''So many lives Prime. So many lives I have been unable to save.'' My shoulder struts slumped with the weight of guilt I carried. ''Mudflap, Skids and Jolt are now three more names to add to that list!''
Once again that servo reached out and clasped my shoulder. ''And how many lives have you saved Rachet? How many sparks have you been able to give a second chance through your skill, your bravery and tenacity as a medic?'' There was a small scoff. ''My own life is on that list, more than once - if you care to recall.''
I snorted, ''I've never known a Prime so predisposed to endangering his own life for the good of his race.'' Prime's servo squeezed my shoulder again before he released it, and I turned to face him.
''I guess it comes down to the choices we make Rachet. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. As far as I am concerned, it is part of the honour, and the job, of leading my Autobots. Of ensuring their survival.'' He inclined his helm towards me. ''It is no different to the role you play as our medic. You do everything you can to ensure our survival. Most of the time the choices you make work out for the best. Sometimes, they don't. And sometimes - the choices are out of our servos.''
Prime's optics shone brightly at me. There was no judgement, no admonition. Just compassion. ''Do not blame yourself for things you had no control over. No one else does. I am sure not even Ares himself would blame you for what happened.''
I managed to smirk at my friend. ''You going to take your own advice Prime?''
A low chuckle shook his broad chest. ''You know me too well Rachet, but yes, you are right. I too need to try and let go of the unnecessary guilt I carry around with me. It helps no one. Least of all myself.''
I nodded my helm in agreeance. He was right. I knew it was right. Still, it was hard. I glanced back at our fallen friends. ''You know Prime. I have learned since our arrival on Earth, that in Greek Mythology there was a God called Ares. He was the God of War.'' That flash of anger returned, and the flame was rekindled. ''Perhaps it was a portend of things to come. A warning of the long, arduous, and senseless road we were about to travel down.''
Prime said nothing, he simply stared at me intently.
I shook my helm and walked over to the lifeless remains of my friends, my servos grasping the gurney tightly as I fought to quell the rising anger. ''The mech I saw that day, that died that day. There was nothing war-like about him. He was innocent, like so many others who have lost their lives.'' I raised my helm, my optics flashed with fire and bitterness. ''How many MORE lives must be destroyed, ruined and broken before it ends? HOW MANY ARES, MUDFLAPS, SKIDS AND JOLT'S MUST DIE BEFORE WE FINALLY HAVE PEACE?!'' My frame shook in anger and exhaustion as I erupted.
Prime once again made his way to stand before me, yet he did not reach out. His voice was soft and filled with sadness, yet there was an underlying resolute strength to it. ''Rachet, I do not know. I do not have the answers. I too share your utter frustration, anger and pain when I think of all the lives we have lost – will still loose. But ask yourself this. How many Ares, Mudflaps, Skids and Jolts will most certainly die if we do NOT stand up to the tyranny of the Decepticons? If we let them swarm over this planet, over this universe unchecked?''
I felt the flame die down and my shoulders slumped in weary acceptance and resignation. I looked back towards my fallen comrades and then towards Arcee's comatose yet healing form and I nodded. A renewed purpose burning within.
Prime reached out and patted my arm once in support. ''We are so lucky to have you Rachet. Do not ever think what you do does not make a difference. That you do not make a difference in this cause. You make all the difference. Now, get some rest. That's an order!'' Prime's dermas quirked up into a small grin and he dipped his helm towards me before he turned to walk back out of the Med Bay, presumably back to Phoenix.
Once again, I was left alone with my patient and with my thoughts. I walked back towards the operating tables and absentmindedly grabbed some large, cloth like material and began to wipe away at the caked energon.
/It never gets easier. I just have to get better at dealing with it/.
