AN:Me? Focus on a story I just started instead of the older ones? Yeah
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Naruto was running as fast as his short legs could go, two ninjas hot on his trail. He'd bamboozled and escaped these two plenty of times, and with Iruka out of town he was confident no one could find his hiding spots. He turned behind the roof of a taller building and clung to the bottom of a water tower.
"Dammit" the one stopped nearby to try and pick up his trail. "How fast is this kid?"
"He can't be that fast" the other ninja did a quick survey of the rooftops. "He must've gone down to the streets, come on!"
Going on their wild goose chase the two descended to the streets below. Naruto maintained his hiding spot for another minute before dropping down, just to be safe. He pulled out a checklist he'd made and crossed both of their names off of it.
"Two down, four to go" he may only be seven, but he was going to get payback on these assholes one way or another.
Having finished up evading those two he hopped down into a nearby alley. He made sure all of the last parts of his escape routes were close to Ichiraku so he could stop by and refuel. He froze in his tracks as he saw someone at the end of the alley, once they saw him they quickly approached. So much for his perfect getaway.
"There you are!" when they were close enough they grabbed hold of his one arm. "I've been worried sick young man!"
"You have been?" he had no idea who this was, but they definitely weren't either of the ninjas chasing him.
"Of course I have! I take my eyes off of you for one second and poof, you're gone!"
He could now see two other people at the end of the alleyway, he wasn't sure who they were either.
"Hey, you."
"Excuse me I am talking to my son right now" this comment really threw him off his rhythm. "I mean seriously, you could've got hurt! And look where I find you, an alleyway, this is not clean at all!"
"Young man is this your" the one who'd called out early came closer, Naruto didn't see any kind of headband on him. "Parent?"
He looked up at their face, almost imperceptibly they nodded back at him. Not sure of what to do, Naruto decided to go along with it.
"Yup, this is my, uh, my mom."
"Really."
"Yup, why else would I have said that."
"And what exactly is your mother's name?" he heard his currently fake mother breath in sharply.
"Duh, it's mom."
"Oh really, what kind doesn't know his mother's name?"
"Actually" the other guy spoke up for once. "I never learned my mom's name."
"Really?"
"It's rude to not call her mom."
"You are unbelievable, fine apparently that makes sense, but you look pretty young to have a kid this big."
"Oh my gosh" they spun a lock of hair around one of their fingers. "That's quite nice of you to say sir."
"That's not what, I mean, what's your son's name?"
"Oh really? You think I don't know the name of my little boy? I'm getting some very mixed signals sir."
"Answer the question."
"I don't think I will since you are being very rude" they paused as Naruto's stomach growled. "And you are wasting my time, we are on our way to go get some lunch."
"Yay!" Naruto saw this as a chance to both help this stranger, and get free food. "Naruto loves ramen!"
"I don't think we have the right person" the second guy spoke up again. "Like our target definitely doesn't have a kid."
"I'm aware" the first guy seemed very fed up with his associate and the whole situation he was dealing with. "Fine, sorry for the misunderstanding, have a good lunch."
"Thanks mister!" Naruto decided to really sell this.
The two of them waved the men off as they left the alleyway and vanished into the crowded street. After a few moments his "mom" let out a massive sigh of relief.
"Are you some kind of child actor? That was an incredible performance."
"That was nothing, and you should be glad, fake tears cost a lot more than just a ramen bowl."
"Well I see you've already learned life's most important lesson, if you're good at something never do it for free."
"Speaking of which" his stomach growled once again.
"Alright alright, we'll get you some ramen and then I'll drop you off with your actual parents."
Naruto would let them cross the orphan bridge after he got to cross the ramen threshold. A short walk later and he was ordering his favorite bowl.
"Well this is a new face" Teuchi brought the bowls out for the two of them. "Naruto are you going to make any friends your own age?"
"This isn't my friend, this is my mom" Naruto said with air quotes.
"Your mom?" he looked between the two of them confused. "Uh, since when?"
"Since like ten minutes ago."
They threw up a peace sign at him as he just looked back for an explanation of some kind. The two were both too busy eating to actually give further details. Naruto was rudely interrupted from his bowl by one of the ninja he'd given the slip pulling him off the stool.
"I knew coming here would be the easiest way to find you" he glared at Naruto.
"Do you mind" Naruto couldn't come up with anything else to say, so he just gestured to the ramen.
"Yes, I do mind, and you are going to be in a lot of trouble for what you did."
"Excuse me" Naruto watched his "mom" put down their bowl and turn to face the ninja. "Would you mind putting my son down so he can finish eating, he is a growing boy."
"Your, your what?"
"My son, Naruto, the boy you are holding onto right now. Put him down."
As a look of confusion spread across his face, he complied and put Naruto down. He'd been aware not having parents his whole life up til now that'd he'd been missing out, but by this much?
"Now what exactly do you think my son did that warrants you coming in here and putting your hands on him?"
"He, he vandalized the memorial stone!"
"When exactly do you think he did this?"
"Like thirty minutes ago I chased him right afterwards!"
"That is impossible" they folded their arms and stared him down. "Me and my son were out shopping earlier this morning, and now I'm taking him out to lunch. I think I would have noticed if he disappeared and vandalized a memorial."
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"Yes I am!" they got all up in his face. "I'm also calling you very rude, and kind of annoying. Now if you don't mind, get out of here."
Naruto watched as the guy he mostly certainly had been running from a little bit ago deflated. He weakly tried to point towards Naruto and say something but his "mom" just pointed towards the street. Now a broken man, this ninja left. Naruto was speechless. Not only had he done it, but he was getting away with it? Without any lying on his part.
"Geez does everyone in this place have terrible manners?" once he was gone they sat back down to eat again.
"That was incredible, you just broke that guy!"
"You pick up some tricks on the road of life, namely how to sound assertive and angry."
"I should also say I definitely did vandalize that thing" Naruto didn't want this relationship founded upon lies to have another one in it.
"Oh I don't care I didn't even listen to what he said you did, consider this extra payback for your help earlier."
"So I take it" Teuchi had just stood by and watched that play out. "You're not really his mom?"
"Geez kid do your parents not take you out to eat?" they were surprised he had to ask.
"Uh about that" Naruto realized the orphan bridge now needed to be crossed. "I kinda don't have parents."
"What? Really?"
"Yup" Teuchi confirmed. "He's all on his own."
"Isn't there an orphanage? Isn't that like the explicit job of an orphanage to care for kids without parents?"
"I kinda got kicked out."
"They can do that?"
"Apparently" Naruto didn't want to explain the eighteen strike rule he had broken.
"If you tell me that alley I found you in is where you live I'll lose it."
"Oh no I've got an apartment, and I get money from the old man."
They gave him quite the look in response to that.
"So this old man gives you money so you can live on your own? Instead of just taking care of you?"
"I mean, technically yes?" Naruto couldn't see where this particular course was running.
"Where can I find this old man?" they looked between the two of them.
"Oh I can show you."
"Naruto maybe that's not a gre-" Teuchi tried to prevent the ensuing disaster.
"Thanks for the food, keep the change, let's have a talk with this old guy" they dropped way too much money on the counter and left with Naruto.
"Oh why can't he just call him the Hokage" Teuchi wasn't sure who to be more worried for.
Naruto led them to the Hokage tower, he did not at any point explain what it was. Only that the old man worked there with his very important job in the office. The secretary that was there was by no means prepared.
"Sorry but he's in a meeting Naruto" she didn't actually check, but also didn't like how often Naruto would come by.
"OH HE'S IN A MEETING" neither of them were prepared for his "mom" to slam down on the desk and begin yelling. "IS THAT RIGHT?"
"Uhh" she began to cower. "Yesss."
"WELL I DON'T HEAR ANYONE TALKING, SO WHAT KIND OF MEETING IS THAT?"
She tried to say something in reply but the words came out as choked sounds as she was gripped by fear.
"I'M GOING IN THERE, AND WHEN I'M DONE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE SOME MORE WORDS FOR YOU" with that they headed to the door.
The secretary sat curled up in her chair in a panic. Naruto watched her pull out some paper from the desk, write on it, and then quickly leave. When he heard the door to the office get kicked he realized he should probably intervene somehow.
"YOU" they were aggressively pointing at the Hokage now.
"Me?" he was holding his pipe, having just packed it for a smoke.
"You" they walked over to the desk and threw the papers off of it.
"Naruto?" he could see Naruto in the doorway. "Who are you?"
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM HERE TO DISCUSS" they poked him hard in the chest pushing him back in the chair. "I AM HERE TO DISCUSS YOU, YOU DEAD BEAT PIECE, cover your ears Naruto."
Naruto missed the end of that sentence and the next few as he did in fact cover his ears. He could tell there was a lot of yelling, a lot of pointing between himself and the Hokage, and then more louder yelling. This all stopped when someone else arrived on the scene.
"Uh" Kakashi looked at the busted door, things thrown across the room, and a yelling stranger. "Lord Hokage I have the report from that last mission for you."
"AND ANOT-" they stopped hearing that. "Lord Hokage?"
"Yes, the Hokage, who you are pointing at."
They looked back at Kakashi who was standing by Naruto, and then back to the Hokage. Their eyes slowly widened in realization. Frantically they began picking up all the things they'd thrown onto the floor and arranging them back on the desk.
"Kakashi."
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"Also I picked up the letter of resignation from your secretary, she left it on the desk."
"Oh, great."
"Haha that's so funny" they tried to play it cool. "She didn't, you know, write why on there did she?"
"Workplace stress."
"Oh that's so not specific it could be anything."
"Uh huh" he seemed to have a solid guess as to what it could mean. "Now that you've calmed down, who are you?"
"That's my mom" Naruto decided to try and expedite this explanation. "I may have badly explained who you are when asked earlier."
"Mom?" the Hokage looked at them.
"Yeah as of like, an hour ago now?"
"Yeah about an hour."
"Naruto, did you get adopted an hour ago?" the Hokage did not fully understand what they meant.
"I mean no, but also not no?"
"Did you do the adoption paperwork?" he was now directing these to the mother in question.
"No it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, I wouldn't say I'm actually his mother. Certainly not legally."
"Well you could've fooled me"
"Have I mentioned I'm very sorry about that little misunderstanding?"
"You haven't actually."
"I am so sorry about that."
"Well" he looked over the papers that were once again on his desk. "I am the Hokage and have the proper paperwork somewhere here."
"I uh, don't know if that's a great idea" they scratched the back of their head. "I am only going to be in town for, well a few more hours I think. I'm not even a citizen here."
"I've got the paperwork for that too."
"I also only have my limited savings and no job, or home. I don't think I meet any of the adoption requirements."
"I have a home!" Naruto had grown pretty attached to having a parent in this short time.
"And I now have an open secretary position."
"And I'm here" Kakashi reminded them all that he was in fact there. "So I can be the voucher for citizenship."
"I don't even know you."
"So? You've apparently been Naruto's mom for an hour now, good enough for me."
"I see" they looked around the room, like a trapped animal. "I guess, I'll be signing that, uh, paperwork?"
"Excellent" the Hokage produced two forms from his desk.
With one mild abuse of power later, Naruto's "mom," was now both legally a citizen of the village and actually his mom. If he'd known it would be this easy to get a parent he'd have hung out in way more alleyways.
"Wait, no one tell Iruka" Naruto stopped the three of them.
"Why?" Kakashi raised a single eyebrow.
"It'll be really funny I swear."
"Alright" he shrugged and headed on his way.
"Hm" the Hokage looked over the forms. "Just Rōzu? No last name."
"Uh" they grimaced at this question. "Yes?"
"Yes you have a last name or yes you don't."
"The second one."
"Well then, I guess it's unorthodox, but since you are now Naruto's mother you'll officially be in the books as Rōzu Uzumaki."
"Oh great" Rōzu seemed oddly relieved by that. "Do I start here for work tomorrow?"
"Yes I will need you immediately."
"Alright then, I guess I'll see you then boss?" they started slowly moving to the door.
"Yes you will, have a good rest of the day you two."
With that Naruto led Rōzu back to what was going to be their home. They did a quick survey of the place.
"Alright, we will find a new home as soon as possible if that's alright."
"What why?"
"I don't mind sleeping on the couch for now, but I do want to have my own bedroom now that I'm staying here."
"Oh yeah" Naruto hadn't actually thought about that.
"But I'll worry about that" they ruffled his hair. "For now I guess, tell me more about yourself son."
Naruto spent the rest of that night as well as most of the following day filling Rōzu in on any and all details about himself he could think of. He'd spent so long in his life wanting to have a family and parents, and he managed to get one by accident! He couldn't wait to tell every single person he knew about how he now had a mom.
"So yeah that about covers it all" Naruto wrapped up his story in the present with Iruka. "Any questions?"
"YES A LOT OF THEM" he'd have to have words with so many people about the logistics of letting a stranger who literally met Naruto in an alley, and used him in a prop for a lie, become a citizen and his parent.
"Ok well, what are they?" Rōzu could guess they'd be aimed towards them.
"Why were you trying to escape those two guys?"
"Oh that was just a misunderstanding just like in Naruto's story."
"Really?"
"Yup, no clue who those guys were or why they were following me."
Iruka furrowed his brow. They were clearly trying to keep that a secret, but he felt like that was a vital piece of information to have.
"Why did you agree to the whole adoption? It doesn't exactly seem like something you were very thrilled about."
"Oh uh, I dunno" they shrugged at him. "Somewhere in the twenty minutes I was yelling profanities at the leader of your village made me reconsider the whole parenting thing I guess."
"The fact you weren't thrown in jail over that is surprising too."
"Who would throw this face in prison?" they held their hand under their chin and tried to strike an elegant pose.
"Right…." he tried to ignore that. "And what about your last name, do you really not have one?'
"No I have one."
"And what is it?"
"Duh, it's Uzumaki, did you not listen to the story?"
Iruka admittedly had walked into that one. He hadn't made much headway in getting answers out of them with how dodgy Rōzu was.
"Thank you for dinner, it is getting kind of late though" he'd have to try again another time for answers.
"Oh right, Naruto has school in the morning" Rōzu checked the clock. "And right you uh, you're the teacher."
"Yes I am" Iruka got a little laugh out of that.
"Alright, hopefully we can have a meeting about how he is in school sometime soon then" Rōzu had forgotten about that in the chaos of the baking and the story.
"Again that is not necessary!" Naruto was starting right into Iruka's eyes.
"It can be arranged" he smirked back at him.
