I can hear your laugh

It's ringing through the hallways

I can see your smile

It's what gets me through my hard days

And your words

Were supposed to get me through my heartache

Before my heartbreak- The letter by Kehlani

--

Dear Olivia,

So much to say to cover ten years. I know sorry won't be enough for never giving you a call. I saw the messages and I couldn't bare to listen to them. I just knew you would convince me to change my mind. It wouldn't even be a hard task. You have that special way of pulling me down to earth.

They wanted me to speak at your ceremony but I felt that it would be in poor taste, knowing what I did to you. I missed so much within the past ten years so I felt this would be better.

Fin told me you have a son now and I can't tell you how much that put a smile on my face. Hearing you got what you always wanted, a family is all I ever wanted to know. I'm so proud of you.

Captain Olivia Benson though is another thing that blows my mind. It's not a shock. You always had that leadership in you. You always gave me that sense of direction, even when we were going against what Cragen told us to do.

Olivia, what I'm about to say took me twenty times to write. I kept deleting and if I don't just hit save now I will never do this.

The feelings I have for you are beyond partnership. You were like home. Everyday I would stare at my phone. Debating on listening to those voicemails or calling. I made this dumb promise I wouldn't. I would focus on taking time and rebuilding what was what my marriage was. Everything I did, it went back to you.

We would walk through old Rome and my thoughts were, "wow, Olivia would love this." Everywhere I went, I saw your face, I thought about how you would enjoy Italy. I never enjoyed myself until I thought about how you would enjoy yourself. I would watch the sunsets and think about you sitting next to me, even though it was never you.

I tried to ignore and move on from the 12 years we were partners. I couldn't. That shooting gave me a way out. Was it fair to you, no. I know that and an apology won't even cover it.

Olivia, you mean the world to me & to have you back in it would be the best in my life to navigate what's to come. If you would have me back. You have every right to tell me to fuck off. To say I'm not welcome. Just say the word and I'll back off. Just know where I stand. You can burn this letter if you see fit.

With all the love, your old partner, Elliot Stabler