"Danny."
He was surprised by the voice behind him. He turned and gave Junior half a smile. Movement of any kind was slow and painful. The day was winding down and Danny felt every minute of his life. And his brain throbbed from the crying jag he now regretted.
"Hey Junior. Want a cup?"
"Uh, no, thank you. I – uh – wanted to tell you. You can have my bed. I mean, I know you've been sleeping there but you can have it. For good."
"No, I don't want to impose." Danny wanted to tease Junior about how much time he was spending with Tani lately, but he didn't. "I'll take Steve's room. He doesn't need it."
Junior raised his eyebrows. "Steve's room?"
"Why not? He's not using it. We don't know when he'll be back." If ever, Danny muttered in his head. "I can't make you ride the couch with Eddie the space hog."
"He can sleep at my place." Tani wrapped herself around Junior and kissed his neck.
Danny didn't bother to roll his eyes. His head hurt too much. What troubled him most was that he hadn't heard Tani enter the room. He really needed to sleep. He could not go back to Five-0 if his senses were this dull. Anyone could sneak up on him.
She added. "After tonight anyway."
"What's tonight?" Danny opened the fridge. He frowned when there was no milk. No way was he adding a slab of butter. He settled for black coffee. He figured he needed the jolt anyway.
"We're staying here tonight." Junior shrugged Tani off and grabbed a mug. Yellow with loud purple flowers. No doubt it came from Tani. She wrinkled her nose with a cute little grin that made Danny's chest hurt.
Narrowing his eyes, Danny studied both of them. "You're staying here. On purpose. Are you babysitting?"
"What do you think?" Lou walked into the room, shoving his phone into his pocket. "Mmm, I thought I smelled coffee. Pour me a cup?"
Danny flashed a smile, happy to be a help rather than a sad sack pain in the ass. "Sure, Lou."
He knew they were watching his every move. Even if they were keeping their mouths shut, for the moment, concern stretched their faces, and their smiles didn't reach their eyes. A definite tell. They knew he didn't want any help, and they obliged him for now. He was thankful.
It was too soon for a nervous breakdown. His best friend had only been gone a few hours. Steve had delivered some shit speech about finishing his father's case, and he'd vanished.
Last time Danny checked his phone, Steve still hadn't bothered to reply. This darkness lingered like a black pebble in Danny's chest, growing larger if he let his thoughts get hung up there. Anger was more soothing than sadness, or so the lie went.
Danny downed his coffee quickly, grabbed his duffel with toiletries and clothes, and headed for the stairs.
/././
Sweat beaded on his forehead and slid down his face, slipping into his ear and down his neck. He dabbed at the itch it caused, wobbling on his cane. The trip from the kitchen and up the steps was less exhausting than the trail of well wishes scattered in his path. The strong coffee hadn't helped a bit though.
It had taken him almost 5 minutes too long to climb the stairs. With Lou standing watch just out of view. He'd asked Danny three times if he needed help. And called him a stubborn ass after each negative response. Maybe he should have given in. It would have taken so much less time. Less aggravation. But he had to do this for himself. There wouldn't be someone around all the time, and he really didn't feel that bad. He just couldn't move quickly. One step, then two, keep moving forward. Simple. Except his bag weighed a ton and when it clapped against him with every movement, it threatened to send him tumbling down the steps. How did he become such a weakling?
He'd made the decision to sleep in Steve's bed because he didn't want to push Junior onto the couch and maybe because he wanted to thumb his nose at Steve. If he was gonna wander the world, Danny was going to claim his room. It made perfect sense. Until he was met with his decision.
Danny stared at Steve's bed. A shrine he wanted to desecrate.
Yet all he could do was stand there frozen, face pinching with a torrent of soon-to-be shed tears. He took a deep breath and when he exhaled, a wave washed over him, and he fell onto the expertly tucked comforter. New territory. He'd never touched Steve's bed. He'd been in this room a million times, helping Steve. Watching over him. But this line hadn't been crossed. Grabbing a pillow, he burrowed into the softness. He was so tired. Totally spent from the big goodbye. And when he inhaled the reminder of his best friend, he sobbed into the fabric. The hiccups turned into a scream. This Steve-scented pillow was all he had left. And it too would fade like the sound of Steve's voice in his head.
After a few minutes, Danny realized he was all cried out. He pushed up with a pitiful groan and sat on the edge of the bed, pondering his next move. He still hadn't showered. He was tired but wide awake thanks to the coffee. He considered taking a bath and then nixed the idea since he wasn't sure he could do it without help. A shower was simple. Strip, turn on the water and step in. He didn't need to cover his wounds any longer, so no special care was needed, except maybe some TLC. His whole body was still one tender mess of healing cuts, bruises and bullet holes. Plus the damn rashes from various places he'd had medical tape.
Despite his assertion of independence, there was an ache he couldn't communicate. Danny felt so alone. Even with a house full of people.
If he really wanted assistance, all he had to do was send off a text and four wonderful souls would appear in the doorway. Or whichever one of them pulled the shortest straw. He didn't want their kindness. With every look and sideways glance, he could feel the weight of their sympathy and the sadness they, too, carried. They'd all been through a lot, and he couldn't help but feel responsible.
Laughter erupted from downstairs, and Danny strained to listen. Lou was headed home. That left Tani, Junior and Adam. And Eddie. He couldn't forget that goofy dog who was already a bigger wreck than Danny. He seemed to know his master was gone.
Sighing, Danny stared at the bathroom door. He wondered what minefields he'd find in there. Steve was always very buttoned up, so it was sure to be clean. It was the little things. A toothbrush, shampoo. Everything would remind him of his best friend. He felt like he'd just been through a breakup. Rolling his eyes at himself, he limped to the bath. He knew he was ripe because he could smell himself. Stress and sadness were not a good combination.
/././
The flight had been long, as all flights seemed to be since that fateful undercover mission. Especially if he wasn't in the cockpit. Steve was thankful to have that leg of the trip out of the way. There would be no more airplanes for him for a while. He wanted to hit the open road. Windows down, radio blasting. No plan, no agenda. No mission to complete.
Steve thought about seeing Mary, but a sudden bitterness pierced his heart. His sister had her life together. Better than he did. How'd that happen?
And if he saw Joanie, he'd think of Charlie, and he didn't know if he could stand it.
He considered checking in with Chin, Abby and Sarah, too, but their domestic bliss was too much for him. He didn't know where Kono was and didn't want to jeopardize her work just to say hello. He'd send word through their network of shared acquaintances to let her know he was on the mainland. They'd meet up if the moment arose. For now, it felt like too much of a burden to see anyone. His search for peace didn't need the distractions.
Steve glanced at Catherine stretched across the Queen-sized bed. The only bed in the room. If she wasn't a distraction, what was she? A roadblock? A cliff he was about to jump off? A mistake? She was a trip down memory lane that would make him feel better now. Because being away from home hurt worse than any bullet.
He dug into his kit bag and found a condom. Danny had tucked them there as a joke. Or did he know Steve all too well?
Yes, I went there. Steve is hurting. Sometimes we reach for the most familiar thing…whether it's good for us or not.
