"Steve?" Catherine pulled away when Steve didn't respond. She kissed him again.
He tensed and closed his eyes, biting the inside of his lip to hold back tears. He could feel his whole body shrinking away from her. "I can't do this."
"We're not doing anything. I mean, we are obviously doing something." She ground against him as she said the last two words.
He met her eyes, frowning.
"We're having fun, right?" She raised her eyebrows, searching for approval.
"I guess."
"Don't sound so enthusiastic."
"Catherine. This –" He put his hands on her hips. "We don't work."
"Oh, I beg to differ." She rolled her hips again.
Steve closed his eyes and hissed, lost in the intense feeling for a few seconds. He couldn't help his bodily response. Then, he looked at Catherine, pinning her there with the intensity of his gaze. "Sex is easy. It's not everything."
Nose twitching with exasperation, and fighting a frown, she rolled off him. "If that's the way you feel."
"Cath, wait. I'm sorry." He grabbed his swollen penis and squeezed to counter the loss of her warmth.
"No, I knew this would happen." She pulled on her pink flowered panties, balancing from one foot to the other.
"This? What?" Steve gave himself an angry stroke, not ready to give up on getting off.
She slipped a tight tank top over her head. "I knew you'd bail on me."
"Bail? On you?" He sat up, pulling the sheet to cover himself, abandoning his dick.
"I should have known, Steve. This wouldn't last."
"You're putting this on me?" Anger seared the ridge of his brow and curled his lips into a snarl.
"Well, who else? You need to figure yourself out." She gathered her things, cold in her efficiency.
Too shocked and pissed to respond, he caught his breath.
Catherine settled the strap of her duffel on her shoulder. "Take care, Steve. I hope you find what you're looking for."
Frozen, he watched her leave. Listened to the door click shut. And felt another chapter close. Maybe this time, their story was finished. But no, he wasn't leaving it this way. This was not on him. He grabbed a pair of sweats and stumbled into them, hurrying so he'd catch her. Steve was certain she'd had this escape planned the whole time, and no way was she leaving without hearing his side.
"Wait up, Cath." He called as he jogged toward her.
She looked almost hopeful, but mostly, she was playing a role. "Hey sailor. You change your mind?"
"No."
"Then?"
Steve stopped a few feet from her, keeping his voice steady, as his heart raced. "I didn't want you to leave with the wrong idea."
"Wrong idea?" She gave him an eyebrow quirk of amusement.
"I know what this was all about."
Catherine chuckled, so sure of herself. "You do, huh?"
"Sure, you thought you'd seduce me and then recruit me."
"Recruit you?"
"Don't play dumb. You're not that good at it."
Jaw tense, she pursed her lips.
"See, I'm right."
"I do love you, Steve."
"Sure you do." He refrained from rolling his eyes. Danny would be proud.
Her next words spilled out like a kid making an excuse. "The orders came from above."
"Like that makes it any better!" Hand in his hair, he turned around, chest heaving. He was beyond upset, as disappointment set in. After all they'd been through, he never thought – he stopped himself from getting too sentimental. She was, after all, just like his mother. "And you led me down this path. God, where did you think this was going?"
"I hoped – "
He cut her off. "You hoped I'd come work with you? Play house? Raise a family? Like that worked out well for my mother!"
Steve screamed the last few words in her face. Catherine backed up a step. Nostrils flaring, now she was pissed too. Her cheeks flushed, and her eyes were darker for a split second before they regained their pseudo innocent sparkle. She was smart enough to keep her mouth shut.
Calm when he spoke again, his eyes were glossy with tears. "You know where this leads, Cath. You know what the CIA did to my family."
"Steve, I didn't mean to – I wanted –"
"Yea, I know what you wanted. What about me?"
"Your skills."
"My skills? Is that all I am to you?"
There was a hiccup, a hitch in time before she recovered. "You know that's not true."
"Do I?"
She didn't answer. They both took a moment to catch their breath. Steve spoke first.
"If you truly loved me, you would have come right out and asked me my plans. No lying. No games. No waiting a week. You would have asked me if I was okay."
"I didn't lie."
"No, you just led me on. Ran a game on me."
"If that's how you see it." Catherine adjusted her bag and crossed her arms over her chest.
Steve looked at the cracked pavement and said softly. "Goodbye, Catherine."
A black SUV flashed its lights and slipped into a parking space a few feet away.
"Goodbye Steve."
Catherine walked away and jumped into the vehicle without a glance his direction. Steve watched the SUV turn onto a side street and disappear into the night.
/././
Danny'd never felt such animosity for a toy. A simple helicopter model. Easy assembly. Decals to stick on yourself. Batteries to make lights flash and the rotor turn. He never minded noisy toys. That was Rachel's department. No, it was the giver of the gift. Steve. Generous to a fault when it came to the kids.
Charlie bounced in front of Danny fidgeting up a storm and cradling the box like he was protecting a baby.
"But Danno. We already waited forever. You said we'd put it together last weekend."
"Charlie, I'm sorry. It's still hard for me to –" He was cut off.
"Uncle Steve said I could have it as soon as you were better. He said-" Charlie stopped mid-sentence and ducked his head.
Danny closed his eyes and turned off the water. The first bubble of anger rolled around his gut. His moods had taken on a grumpier flavor in recent days. Impatience. Quick temper. When he wasn't sad, he was angry. It took energy to hide it, and Charlie was pushing his limits.
Squeezing all the water out of the soapy sponge, twisting it one direction and then the other, Danny counted to ten and then ten more.
"Charlie, please. Not now." He kept his voice low and steady. Any change in octave or added emotion could be catastrophic.
Piercing eyes glared at him, and Danny knew he was lost. Charlie, realizing he was losing, doubled down.
"Uncle Steve said –" The words flashed neon bright, daggers to Danny's eyes and heart. He didn't hear the rest of Charlie's litany.
"I don't care what Uncle Steve says. I don't wanna hear another word about him tonight." Danny leaned closer to his son, hand covering the bandage on his chest as the angle did his healing wound no favors. "Not a single word. You got that? Now give me the helicopter."
Danny dried his hands and slung the dish towel over his shoulder, wincing at the movement. He held out his hand.
"But Danno, Uncle Steve said –" Indignant and determined, Charlie hugged the box to his chest, refusing to hand it to his dad. "He said this was mine!"
"Charlie!" Danny yelled. "Give it to me now."
Lou sidled into the room, hands in his pockets. "Hey there, Charlie. Isn't that an awesome model? I love helicopters."
"Yea, Uncle Lou. Uncle Steve bought it for me right before he went on his trip. He said it would be easy to put together. It's for little guys like me. And it lights up and the rotors turn."
"That sounds like fun, little man. Why don't you take the model out to the lanai and have Junior help you put it together? I bet he knows where the batteries are hiding, too." Lou mussed Charlie's hair. "Go on now before I change my mind and enlist you in k.p. duty. There's a whole fleet of dishes to wash."
"No way! Huh uh." Charlie took off outside, giggling all the way.
Danny and Lou watched the little boy tackle Junior.
"Don't say it, Lou." Danny muttered, one hand in his hair.
"I'm not saying a thing. You're under stress, Danny. And you're hurting. We all get it, man." Lou surveyed the kitchen. Dinner was in full swing. He took the lid off a pot and was swatted with a dish towel.
"Outta the kitchen. I've got sauce to finish."
"Yessir!" Lou saluted. "My oh my, those garlic rolls smell good."
/././
"What's wrong?" Danny froze halfway over the table with two baskets in his hands. One with butter, the other filled with bread and his famous rolls.
Tani looked at Junior without moving her head. She mumbled. "Uh, it's nothing, did you –"
"Did you forget something?" Junior cleared his throat as he twirled his spaghetti. "This tastes different."
Lou swept into the room. "Alrightie. I am ready to dig in. Been thinking about his all day."
He grinned and rubbed his hands together. Then he pulled out a chair and slid into his spot beside Charlie.
"What's the matter with you people? It's pasta night."
"Pasta night!" Charlie parroted.
Danny shook his head. Lou's enthusiasm always made his heart swell. But he sensed something was very wrong. "Don't get too carried away, Lou." He motioned to Tani and Junior with the baskets still in his hands. "Better ask them what's up before they choke on it."
Tani took a loud, slurping drink of her lemonade. "Danny, it's not too bad. It's better than –"
She stopped and took another drink.
Junior jumped in. "It's good. It's just – it's not-"
Danny set down the baskets right in front of Mr. Breadman aka Lou. He grabbed a fork from an empty place setting and took a big twirl of Tani's pasta. Chewing with much thought, he frowned and spit the bite into a napkin with a groan.
"God, it's bitter." How he'd managed to fuck up the sauce he didn't know. Of course, he was in denial. He did know. His mood had transferred to the food. "I apologize. Man, this hardly ever happens."
"Yo, it's okay, Danny. We can finish it." Junior moved the spaghetti around his plate.
Plucking a roll from the basket, Lou raised his eyebrows. "But the bread's safe, right? Because I can make a meal outta your garlic rolls. My other half limits my carb intake."
Lou elbowed Charlie, and the little boy grabbed a roll for himself. "Yea Danno. These are good."
"I'll call for pizza." Danny picked up Tani and Junior's plates.
"Danny…" Tani's voice trailed off, following him as he left the room. He walked to the sink, letting a daze settle over him. His hearing went fuzzy, but he pushed through. He still tired easy, and if he stopped moving, he'd be done for the day. His shoulder throbbed. It had been fine earlier in the day. As fine as he could be for three weeks out. Steve wouldn't have let him touch the kitchen for a month unless he was supervising Steve's cooking. Which was rewarding on a level Danny didn't like to dwell on.
The team was giving him space, a wide berth fit for a yacht. Too much. Just like they all did with Steve when he was injured. Yet it was all an illusion. They were smothering him in other respects. Always around, hovering, looking at him with puppy dog eyes. Except for Tani. She was easy with him without taking his shit but not glossing over how much they all worried and missed Steve. He loved her for it. Scraping the plates, he sighed, remembering something. His Grandma told him to never be cross when cooking sauce. It would make it bitter.
/././
"Two large pepperonis, please." Danny laughed. "The big guy? He's great. Same pain in the ass."
Danny studied the floor, noticing a hairline crack in one of the squares. Probably from one of the times someone broke in and attacked Steve. Pushing that thought from his mind, he tried to focus on the happy banter. Everyone asked about Steve. Danny didn't have the heart to tell them he was wandering the Earth, maybe never returning to his beloved island. He didn't know if it was his right to speak about Steve's travels either. Steve should be doing the talking.
Steve flirted with the girl from the pizza place all the time. Danny was convinced he did it to get extra garlic toast or pepperoncini. Steve was just like that, though, friendly and charming once he knew you. Danny wondered how he had the courage to let people in when so many had hurt him. And then he'd just run away, leaving Danny to pick up the pieces.
Ending the call, Danny stood there, hands at his sides. He needed to sit. The table was so far away and if he slid to the floor, the team would never leave him alone again. And no way was he able to climb up and sit on the counter. Memories of bickering over breakfast assaulted Danny. How many times had he sat there watching Steve cook for him? Laughing, arguing. Sharing their lives. All of that was a blur now. He wasn't sure what it meant, if anything. Had Steve really only stayed to solve the mystery surrounding his father's death? That statement had struck Danny like a baseball bat. If he'd had more energy that day, he would have fallen out of his chair or punched Steve. How dare he say that? After all they'd shared. Had none of it mattered in the end? He'd left so quickly that Danny had no clue.
He took a deep breath and pushed away any and all thoughts of Steve. He was getting pretty good at stuffing feelings into compartments and locking the door. He put on his best face, even forced a twinkle in his eyes. He wouldn't tell anyone he was close to tears practically every minute of the day. Tears or violence. Danny wanted to break things, including himself.
Leaning on the counter, he gave himself another minute. Composing himself took so much energy. It was ridiculous.
/././
Steve sat on the edge of the bed and drank a beer. This place didn't have a mini bar. He'd walked down the block to the liquor store and grabbed a six-pack of his favorite brew. A brand that was tough to get on Oahu. He was indulging. This was a vacation, of sorts, so he could do what he wanted. That's what he told himself as he chugged his third bottle.
Tonight, he felt like he'd only just begun to relax. Catherine had been some weird interlude where he'd shed one final remnant of his past.
But had he shed Five-0? Did he want to?
He still wasn't ready to answer those questions. Steve didn't know if he was done.
His mind wandered as the buzz kicked in. He smiled and turned on the television, getting lost in a baseball game until he realized it was boring without a certain person's running commentary. He tried to mimic the voice in his head for a few minutes but there was no replacing Danny Williams.
Lying back, Steve sighed. He wasn't tired. No way would he sleep. Maybe if he finished the beers, he'd pass out, avoiding the newest nightmares that chased him each night. They tore at him both for the terror and the longing. Danny, bleeding out in his arms, was not how he'd envisioned holding his best friend. He smiled at a fragment of a memory. The good dreams usually involved a cheesy Halloween movie and a big bowl of popcorn that ended up scattered all over the floor.
/././
"I can tell you two've never been married. Lord – you eat what he puts in front of you. This isn't bad." Lou took a bite. "Add some parmesan and eat another garlic roll."
Junior unfolded and refolded his napkin. "It's not – uh - Danny's best."
"Yea, it's bitter." Tani frowned.
Lou's sigh morphed into a sad chuckle. "More perfect words have never been spoken."
"This is Danny we're talking about. Come on." Tani rolled her eyes in a halfhearted attempt at protest. "He's still healing and a bit grouchy, but he's fine."
"No." Lou shook his head. "This is Danny without Steve. You don't know this man."
Junior worked his jaw, holding back his opinion, deferring to his senior. Tani's mask of defiance crumbled and she chewed on her bottom lip to hide her trembling.
Lou continued half under his breath, as he pushed away from the table. "No sir, I don't want to know this man. Not at all."
Hands in the pockets of his lilac shorts, Lou headed outside toward a clueless little boy who was making helicopter noises and chasing Eddie.
/././
"Well, we have to do something." Indignant, Tani crossed her arms and glared.
"What like an intervention?" Junior tossed out the first thing that popped into his head.
"Great idea."
"No, Tani, it's not. Stay out of it."
"Stay out of it?" She raised her eyebrows, eyes wide and threatening a lightning strike. "How the hell do you propose we stay out of it?"
"What I meant – I mean – we should-"
"See? It's impossible." Sighing, Tani shook her head. "Danny needs help we can't give him."
/././
After the pizza boxes had been cleared away, the mood was less festive. Danny set a tray of cannoli on the table. Adam had picked up dessert from a favorite spot when he'd apologized for not being able to attend tonight's gathering. Adam and Quinn had pulled the short straws on a case. They were spending the next two days on Maui coordinating a bust with local LEOs.
Danny smelled trouble in the water but didn't say a word. He hoped he could finish his dessert before any shit hit the fan. No matter what, he'd let his friends do the talking. All of his years as a cop had taught him one thing, don't offer. Let your suspects show their hand.
"Thank you for dinner." Hands in her lap, Tani was too formal.
Junior followed suit. "Thanks, man. Don't worry. I've got the dishes."
"Of course you do." Danny smiled. "That's our deal."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Tani blurted. "It's not just dinner. You've been a little…off…today and-"
She stopped, pressing her lips into a fine line. Lou pushed his chair away from the table, preferring to watch. Tani didn't meet Danny's eyes again, which made him nervous and paranoid. He caught on right away. "What is this? An intervention?"
Tani elbowed Junior, but nobody spoke.
"Because that's not fair. You let Steve roam the world like the walking wounded, but me you watch like a hawk. What? You don't think I can take care of myself? I'm weak? This isn't the first time Steve left me, ya know. At least I knew it was coming this time."
Sighing, Lou finally joined in. "It's not like that, Danny, and you know it."
"No, Lou. I don't know it, or I wouldn't be asking, would I?" Danny kept his voice low but it took effort. Infuriated and cornered, he wanted to lash out. But his little boy was conked out upstairs.
"You're close to the edge, man. We all see it." Lou shook his head. "There's no shame in asking for help."
"Like you did? Huh? You picked up your family and took off. Why didn't you trust us? Or wait – did you tell Mr. Wanderlust? And not me. You all treat me like –"
"Shut up." Tani mumbled as she clamped her eyes shut to hold back tears and to stifle her anger. It didn't help. She was furious. "Stop it. Both of you. Now!"
Everyone jumped.
"You've all been acting like idiots. I'm gonna check on Charlie." She stormed out of the room. Junior followed her.
"Danny, please, talk to someone. We're all too close to this. We can't be objective. People are starting to notice, man. HPD's been asking around. You're not alright. You can't come back to work if you're on the edge. You scared Charlie. He's a good kid. Come tomorrow, this'll be old news. This memory won't stick. For him. But I know you. You're gonna torture yourself for days. It happens to the best of us. We lose our tempers. It's tough being a dad when you got your own shit. I've been there."
"Lou, I'm –"
"Don't lie to me and tell me you're fine."
"I'm sick of this. Tired of feeling this way. Carrying around this anger. Why am I left holding the bag? I wish I could leave to find peace or whatever. Don't you think I've thought about running?"
"Maybe you just need a break, huh?"
It was like a record skipped. Danny considered what Lou said like he didn't understand the words. He repeated the most important. "A break?"
"That's right. A break." Lou soothed. "Let Rachel take Charlie for a week or two. You know she'd love that. Charlie, too."
Danny wrinkled his nose and pushed away from the table, right hand rubbing his left bicep. Lou kept talking.
"She can take him to all his activities. Give you a chance to get your PT sorted out. I know you've been missing appointments. You need some quiet, too. Some alone time. Lord knows we've been smothering you. I can take Eddie, if you want. Renee loves that dog."
Uncomfortable with the silent treatment he was getting from Danny, Lou rambled on.
"And I say all of this from the bottom of my heart. Those feelings you're holding onto will eat you alive. You know this."
"Steve-"
"This isn't about Steve. Fuck him right now. He left. Be angry. Let it out. Talk to someone."
Nodding, Danny put his head in his hands. "Okay. I'll talk to someone."
Lou sighed and caught his breath, overcome. "Good, that's good. We're all behind you. 100%."
/././
Danny spit in the sink. Toothpaste dribbled on his chin. His mouth still hurt and brushing his teeth was an exercise in torture. Which made him push even harder. He noticed the blood and turned on the tap, washing it away.
Closing his eyes, he thought of the little boy already tucked into bed in the next room. Charlie had fallen asleep after playing with his new helicopter. He'd been out in the sun all day, playing soccer, and had a belly full of garlic rolls and pepperoni pizza. Danny hoped he'd sleep through the night. He wasn't sure he'd have the steam for a little boy with an upset tummy.
His gut twisted and he fell to the floor in front of the toilet, not sure if he'd puke or just cry. He missed his best friend so bad the pain had eaten a hole in his heart. Danny picked at a loose tile, let his eyes go out of focus as tears clouded and softened his vision. He crawled to the bed, sobbing, and fell asleep with the lights on.
Okay, so the tide is moving slowly. At least Catherine is gone…
