Thank you all for your support and patience. Real life happened, and I got a little off track.
"I was an op, Danny. They sent her to recruit me."
"Ah Steve, babe, I'm sorry."
This news made Danny anything but happy. Yet it didn't surprise him. There were so many clichés that could describe how well Catherine had fit in with the CIA. All that mattered was how it affected Steve. Gritting his teeth, he held his tongue and mentioned none of his opinions. He knew Steve was hurting. The anger in his voice was a total coverup.
Steve chuckled. "She actually thought she'd convince me. How ridiculous is that?"
"Ridiculous." Danny answered.
He felt the distance between them so keenly now, worse than ever. He longed to touch Steve. To tell him everything would be okay. He would always be there for his partner. No matter what – unless he was dead.
Danny cringed at the thought. Unless he was dead. He'd never doubted he'd get out alive when Daiyu Mei took him. But now, he wondered if he'd die before he saw his best friend again.
"Steve, are you coming home?"
He hated himself for letting the nagging question escape. He felt like a lovestruck teenager lamenting a long-distance relationship. Because that's what this would become if Steve stayed away for long. Danny would wait for him.
"Danny, you know what I said." Steve paused and his voice was more monotone when he continued. No emotion in his words meant an iceberg hid beneath the deceptive calm. "My plan hasn't changed."
"Yea yea, you're finding peace." Danny didn't bother modulated his tone. He let his aggravation show.
"Does it sound like I've found it yet?"
"No."
"Well there's your answer."
Danny sighed and didn't say more.
"Look, Danny, I'm sorry."
Finding his jaw locked shut, Danny remained silent.
/././
Steve braced himself against the sink with one hand. He expected an argument, craved it, if he was honest with himself. Danny's silence hurt. He knew it was all his fault, like everything else.
"Danny, I don't know what you want from me."
"I want you to be happy, Steve."
"I am." Steve had to look away from the mirror and the lie he knew he'd find in his eyes.
"You're sure?"
Steve dug in. He hated when Danny was calm when he wanted to bicker. "Yes, I'm sure."
"Okay. Good. Then I'm happy, too."
Something in Danny's voice made Steve's chest clench. "For me, you're happy for me?"
"Yea, I'm happy for you, you idiot." A hint of smart ass crept into Danny's voice. But it wasn't enough.
Steve wasn't letting Danny brush this off. "What about you?"
"Me?" Danny was surprised.
Steve knew he was on the right track. "Are you happy?"
Silence stretched like an elastic band. Steve waited for Danny to snap back at him. But there was just a low hum and static. If he didn't hear the rustle of Danny fidgeting, he would have thought Danny'd hung up on him.
"Danny?"
"Steven."
Steve sighed, relieved, yet oddly uncomfortable. His more formal name felt like a poke rather than the I love you it sometimes was.
"What?" Danny caught the change in the current. "You okay there?"
"Yea, I'm good."
"But?"
He couldn't hide from Danny. "I got a Steven."
"So? That's your name, right? Or does finding peace involve aliases?"
Steve almost laughed, but he pushed Danny instead. "You're not happy."
"You're right."
"Well, then I'm not happy." Steve set the phone on the vanity and put the call on speaker before crossing his arms over his chest.
"This isn't about my happiness, babe."
"Why not?"
"You're the one who left. You wanted to find peace."
Steve felt the jab and got a bit defensive. "You gave me your blessing."
"Did I?"
It took Steve a few seconds to recover from this admission.
"Wait, what? Danny. What does that mean?"
Like a heavy blanket you're too lazy to take off the bed, silence again settled over them. Steve closed his eyes and searched his mind for something to say. This wasn't right. He and Danny could always talk to one another. The phone line crackled and Danny spoke first.
"Look, I've gotta go. Rachel's here."
Steve frowned. "Rachel?"
"Yes Rachel. The mother of my children. We're going to get lunch and talk."
"Talk?" Steve felt things rush at him too fast. He was out of the loop. Like a stranger so desperately longing to be let in. What was happening? Alarm bells went off in his head. "Why doesn't that sound good? Is everything okay? You're not getting back with her, are you?"
He had to admit, the last question was a cheap shot. Danny took an obvious, long, slow breath. Steve could hear the catch as Danny exhaled through pain. He wanted to badger him about his meds, but Steve kept his mouth shut. Leaving the island had negated his mother hen card. Or so Danny'd texted him more than once since their angry phone call.
"You're thinking too hard, Steve. Stop it. I'm fine. And I am not getting back with Rachel. I need some time on my own. I'm gonna ask Rachel to take Charlie for a few extra days. If she can."
"Wait, why?" Steve couldn't breathe. "More time? For what? What's wrong?"
"I – uh – my recovery has been slow." Danny cleared his throat. "PT is tough. I haven't been the best to be around."
"Well, that's normal." Steve tried to joke, but it was met with no response.
Steve could hear Danny walking. His cane made a distinctive sound on the floor. He wanted to scold him for walking and talking. Danny started again, and Steve let go of his need to lecture.
"I don't want my mood to rub off on Charlie. I made an appointment with a shrink."
"Without me?" Again, an uneasy humor bubbled up.
"Well, you aren't here, are you, Steve?"
The question felt like an accusation. His answer was sharp and quick. "No."
Danny sensed Steve's hurt right away. "That didn't come out right. I'm sorry, babe. I get why you left. I miss you like crazy, but I understand."
Closing his eyes, Steve took a calming breath, in for a count of four and out for another four. Then he replied. "Danny, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Hey, I gotta go. Rachel's here."
"She's picking you up?"
"I can't drive."
"You can't drive?" Steve really needed to kick Lou's ass. He hated being in the dark.
"My left arm is basically useless right now. I'm still on some meds."
"Still?"
"Some of us aren't machines." Danny paused. "Babe, I've really gotta go. Talk later?"
Steve took the jab. He deserved it. He was happy Danny still wanted to talk to him. "Sure. Tell Rachel I said hello."
"I will."
"I love you."
"Love you too."
The call disconnected, and Danny was gone. Steve stared at his phone. It was warm in his hands. He set it down, and his vision clouded with tears. Rubbing his eyes, he grabbed a beer from the fridge. Alcohol was a sure way to keep from dwelling on things. The chill of the bottle made him stop and catch his breath.
The little beach house he'd rented was cozy with four rooms and a spacious porch. But it was as empty as his lonely heart. All he could hear were a few gulls, the sea breeze and the waves. Which oddly enough, didn't soothe his over-tired mind. But it was a place to hide out and regroup. This journey had morphed into a pilgrimage, and he was compelled to get where he was going.
He'd spent all night on a cramped, military transport. His road trip plans had evaporated with Catherine's departure. He decided he needed to zig where she thought he'd zag. Her knowing his plans didn't sit well with him.
Steve had this place for a few days before he headed north. A friend of a friend had hooked him up with a last-minute cancellation. The vacation rental was in someone else's name, giving him a layer of anonymity. Maybe one day, he wouldn't be so paranoid.
/././
"Hey, I thought we were going to lunch. Where's Charlie?" Danny glanced around her.
"Charlie's with a friend. They're dropping him off here in half an hour."
"What? Why?""
"Danny, I –" Rachel paused and took a breath, one hand rubbing the other.
"Hey Rach, you ok? Whatever it is, I can help." Danny forgot his own troubles. He'd do anything for her.
She smiled. "That's the thing. You help."
He wrinkled his whole face at her. Eyebrows, nose, lips pursed in confusion, frustration and then resignation. His defenses were cracking.
"You help everyone, and then there's nothing left for you."
"Hey. Steve did what he had to do. I get it. I'm fine. I should be back to full duty soon. Lou's keeping me busy. Hell the whole team won't let me-"
"Funny that you went there."
The unspoken boogeyman hung between them. Steve.
"Where else – what are you –"
She held up her hand. "Stop. You can't pull that act on me. I'm worried. I know you, Daniel."
He kept his mouth shut. Eyes red now and shiny. His cheeks flushed. Rachel, too, looked like she was about to cry.
She pressed on. "I wanna lighten the load for a bit. Charlie has activities coming up. Lots of running all over the island."
Danny looked away and chewed on his lip, settling himself. He struggled with his words. "Rachel, I can handle it."
"Frankly, Danny, no you cannot. You barely drag yourself out of bed. Or is it the couch? I know you're not sleeping. Or eating by the looks of it. And you haven't shaved in a week."
She touched his shoulder and he jerked away, growling. "I can handle this. Steve did nothing wrong."
"You always defend him." Anger flashed on her face; lips set hard.
"Of course I do." Danny's voice hit an exasperated pitch and he cleared his throat. "He's my best friend."
Rachel crossed her arms over her chest. "He's not perfect."
"Neither am I. I can take care of my son."
Rachel took a breath, pain etched across her face. "I've never thought I'd say this – about you – but no you can't. You need a break."
"I'm a good dad." Danny choked with tears.
"Yes, you are. That's why you can't see it." She tilted her head and gave him a fond smile. He didn't flinch when she touched him this time.
Danny crumbled into a chair, head in his hands. He knew she was right. This break felt more permanent than he'd planned. "Ok Rachel."
"Just for a little while." She sat down beside him. "When you're ready."
"Thank you." He really had no clue what he was agreeing to. Right then, he had no fight left in him.
"I love you, Daniel. We all do. And we see you hurting."
He nodded, too stunned to answer with words.
"Let me fix you some tea. Charlie will be home soon. We'll tell him together."
