Settling into the chair, Danny smiled. He was scheduled for an hour. Every fiber of his being wanted to run. Even though he knew he needed this help. It was a battle inside his head. He hoped Dr. Lu didn't notice.
"What brings you here today, Detective Williams?"
He wanted to roll his eyes at her. She knew why he was there. She was an HPD shrink, and he was obligated to be here thanks to Lou setting things in motion. Mainly so Danny wouldn't try to get out of going.
"Danny." He cleared his throat. "Please call me Danny."
The therapist made a note on her legal pad. "Danny. How may I help you?"
"I – uh – I really need to-" He sighed and looked at his feet. Why was this so difficult?
"Take your time. Would you like something to drink? I have coffee, tea, water." She motioned to the setup in the corner of the room.
Danny rubbed his hands on his pants, wincing. "No, but thank you."
"Are you alright?"
"Yea, I was shot." He paused and met her eyes. He hadn't meant to spill that detail so quickly. People reacted in different ways when he revealed his injuries. He wanted to give her a minute to adjust. "About a month ago. But you already know that. I'm sure you've read my file."
Her mouth fell open like she meant to say something, but Danny stopped her. He kept his voice low and steady, controlling his emotions. "Look, I'm sorry. Maybe I will have the drink."
He pushed up slowly, using his cane.
"Sure, take your time."
"You have regular coffee?"
"Yes, the Keurig. Have you used one before?" She leaned forward but didn't get up to help. He was grateful. "There's creamer in the mini fridge if you need it."
"Thank you." He chuckled and met her eyes again. "My partner – he uh – he puts butter in his coffee. Or he did. I don't know what he's doing now. I take mine black. Had to give up dairy."
"So, you're no longer partners?" She zeroed right in.
Danny frowned for a second before recovering. He turned on the machine and set the cup in the right spot. "Boy these things are nifty. I still prefer the good old-fashioned drip brewer. Steve, he uses a French press. Which is great. Makes excellent coffee. I like to set a timer and have coffee waiting soon as I get up."
She nodded. "Do you like the aroma or the first jolt of caffeine?"
Smiling, Danny thought for a moment. "I guess both. You?"
"Both for me, too."
So at least they had one thing in common. The coffee maker chimed and flashed a message that it was ready.
"Wow, that's fast." Danny took the mug. "Can I fix you one?"
"No thank you, Danny."
He returned to his seat, setting the coffee on a coaster with seashells on it. It took him some careful maneuvering to sit down again. He could feel her eyes on his every move. She jotted some notes and adjusted her skirt before crossing her leg over her knee.
"So how's your recovery? You said it's been about a month since your injury."
"It's good. Slow. But good. I'm not as young as I used to be. It's taking longer this time."
The therapist quirked an eyebrow. "This time?"
"Not my first rodeo." He wanted to add a smart remark, but instead, he flexed his left shoulder, right hand covering a spot just above his heart.
"Most cops never discharge their weapons." She flipped her pen in her fingers. "Statistics say that anyway."
"Statistics." Danny laughed. "You haven't met my partner."
"Was Steve responsible for your kidnapping?"
"What? Why would you ask that?" His heart rate increased and he tensed his jaw. He sat up very straight.
"Let me take another tack." She tilted her head ever so much and reestablished eye contact. "You spoke of Steve in the past tense. Are you still partners?"
"No. Yes. I don't know what we are." Danny wondered what his file told her. Surely, the governor and HPD knew about Steve going on walkabout.
"Why not? You either are or are not partners."
"He left me. And I'm fine with it."
"Left you?" She scribbled more notes.
Danny tried not to watch her. He wanted to rip the notepad out of her hands and read over every word before lighting it on fire.
"Not like that. We're work partners."
Dr. Lu raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure that's it?"
"Again with the deep question doc. Sheesh." Danny sipped his coffee, pulling back to blow on the cup. It was hot, and his mouth was still sensitive. "God, I need some water."
"Are you okay, Detective?"
"Please call me Danny." He raised his voice as he pushed out of his seat and headed toward the beverage station.
"I'm sorry. Danny. Let's take a minute. Start over."
"I'm fine." His hand shook when he filled the cup with water from the dispenser.
"Fine is a cover I know well, Danny. I've used it myself."
Danny flashed her half a smile. He didn't envy her job. Listen to everyone's problems too long, and they could become your own, if you weren't careful. He sat down again and sighed.
"Steve is my best friend. We're close."
"How did you meet?"
"I was investigating his father's murder. Steve hijacked my crime scene and forced me onto his task force."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Best thing to happen to me. Though I didn't think so at the time."
"Steve or the task force?"
"Both. He saved my life." Danny relaxed.
"Why are you so angry with him?"
"Whoa, doc. Another cheap shot." Danny shook his head. He stretched both legs, rubbing his left knee. "Okay, maybe you're right."
She softened a little, acknowledging his admission, before getting back to business. "Is this why you've come here? To talk about your anger?"
They stared at one another for a breath or two. His eyes darted to the hands on the clock, its ticking loud in his ears. He was halfway through his allotted time. He couldn't run. He had to see this through. At least for today.
"Besides the required clearance, yes. That's why I'm here." Danny answered. He felt like he'd been reborn and signed his death warrant at the same time. Hot all over, he flattened his palms on his thighs, wondering if he'd leave sweaty handprints.
"Why are you angry with Steve?"
"I'm not, I just –"
"Danny, it's okay, these feelings are good. Anger is natural."
"Not when it's your best friend."
"You feel what you feel." She shrugged.
"I didn't come here for new age bullshit." He growled.
She wasn't fazed by his outburst. Dr. Lu quirked her mouth into half a smile, confident. "See, that's the anger speaking."
Danny wasn't buying it. "No, that's me speaking."
He rubbed his face and stared at his beverages for a second. He drew a line in the condensation on his cup of water before picking the coffee instead. The therapist sat patient as ever, hands perched on her notepad.
"Feel what I feel." He shook his head. "I can't feel what I feel."
"Why? What's stopping you?"
"Can't you see? I might screw things up worse than they are."
"You might say something you'll regret?"
Frowning, Danny gave her an eyeroll worthy of Grace. "Yes. What else?"
She took a deep breath. "Okay. I have a plan. We'll start simple."
"I'm listening, doc. That's why I came to you."
"Do you have a picture of your partner?"
"Yea, lots. Why?" Nose wrinkled, eyebrows scrunched, Danny was curious.
"Let me see one."
"Now?"
"Sure, if you feel comfortable sharing."
"Depends on what you want me to do." Danny leaned forward.
"Tell Steve exactly how you feel."
Danny sat back in his chair, his whole body rigid. "The picture? Here? Right now?"
"That's fine, Danny. You don't have to do this now. I see you're not comfortable." Dr. Lu said. She made some notes. "This will be your homework."
"Homework? Doc, I didn't come here for school."
"You came here for help with your anger, correct?" She raised an eyebrow, voice sterner than it had been the entire session. "And you have an appointment scheduled for next week?"
"Yes." Danny paused for a moment, checking himself. "I do plan on coming back, yes."
"Then this is your first assignment." She continued once she had his attention. "Take a picture of Steve. Tell him how you feel. Don't hold back. Don't worry how he'd feel. Spare him nothing. Just let it all out. See how it makes you feel and report back."
"How many times do I need to do this assignment?"
"As many times as you like. Well, let me rephrase. I'd like you to complete the assignment once. More is up to you. Really all of it is up to you."
Crossing his arms, Danny nodded. "I can do that."
"Good." She checked her watch. "As we have fifteen minutes, would you like to chat some more?"
"Sure, I guess that's why I'm here." Danny chuckled. "I talk; you listen."
She read her notes before starting again. "When you say you're fine with Steve leaving you, do you mean it?"
"What?" Danny wrinkled his nose. "Of course I mean it. Why would I lie?"
"Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves – and others. Especially people we love."
"You and your questions."
"That's what I'm here for."
Shaking his head, Danny took a sip of water before he answered her.
"I get why he needed to leave. He wanted some space. Peace. Whatever you call it. He's had it rough. His best friend died, then his dad. Really close together. That's when he met me. Then he found out his mom was really alive before she left him again. Then his mentor died in his arms. A year later his mom died for real after he tried to save her. Then I was kidnapped and shot. It's a lot for anyone to take. Even a Ninja SEAL like Steve."
She quirked her eyebrow at his last sentence before taking a deep breath as she jotted more notes.
"What about you, Danny?"
"Me?"
"You. Your wounds. Surely you have them. In your line of work. Life in general. Cruelty is a part of all of our lives."
"What kind of doc are you?"
"The kind who wants to help you. And right now, you're making excuses for your partner. Covering your own pain. Deflecting. We're here to talk about you, Danny."
He nodded, too overcome to speak. He definitely had wounds. Deep ones.
"Clearly, you want to talk about more than Steve. This is a safe place. You can talk – or not. It's okay to not be okay."
Danny flashed a smile. "Sounds like a fortune cookie or one of those memes my daughter is always sending me."
"You have a daughter?"
He ignored the fact that she had to know he had kids. His file probably told her everything about him. Maybe even going back to Jersey.
"Yea. Grace." He showed her a picture from his phone. "She just started college."
"You must be proud."
"I am."
"And a little sad?"
"Sure. It's her first time away."
Dr. Lu tilted her head and gave him a fond smile. "You miss her."
"We chat a few times a week on FaceTime or whatever. And we text."
"It's not the same though, is it?"
"She can't stay a kid."
"You're right. And that's a very healthy attitude, but how does it make you feel?"
"Are you trying to depress me?"
She laughed and then Danny chuckled before clearing his throat.
"I hate it, but I'm happy for her. She's super smart and brave and strong."
"How does she feel about your job? Has she ever had to be brave for you?"
Danny flinched. "She accepts it. I know she worries. I worry about her worrying, but she bounces back. An old partner – he uh – took her once to get back at me."
"Your daughter was kidnapped." The therapist didn't hide her shock. She flipped through the pages in her file.
"It's been years. She was nine. My ex-training officer held a grudge because I testified against him."
Dr. Lu shook her head and sighed, setting her notepad on the stand beside her. She rubbed her eyes.
"Sure you don't want a drink, doc?" The grin Danny gave her flashed in his eyes. A hint of mischief. "Maybe you got something stronger hidden in here?"
She gave him a warm smile in return. "Actually, I think I will fix myself a cup of tea. If you don't mind."
"Go for it. I'm a lot, I know." He shrugged. "And I'm not going anywhere."
"No, Danny. That's not true. You are not the things that have happened to you. You can choose how those events become a part of you. Sometimes it's more difficult to not be taken over by them. It takes work, but you have a choice." She popped a tea cup into the Keurig. "You're here, so that's good news. I'm honored you've trusted me."
"Honored." Danny looked down, blushing. "I'm not sure why – or if you can help. Steve – he-"
"Danny, stop." She raised her voice. "I'm here to help you. Not your partner. I assure you I will do everything I can to help you. If you let me. And if you do the work."
He heard her, but he was stuck on his train of thought. Danny zoned out as he recited what was a holy litany to him. "He's been beat up more times than I can count – and believe me – I've counted. He's jumped off buildings and out of planes. One time, he rescued a guy in midair. He's been kidnapped, shot. His liver got shredded. I gave him half mine."
"You donated your liver to Steve?" The therapist took notes.
"Yes. I'm surprised your little file doesn't tell you that." His reply was a little too sharp. "He would have died."
Dr. Lu rolled with the conversation, focusing on the important part, she said. "And you'd do anything for him."
"Of course."
"Then, you need to tell him exactly how you feel."
"Everything?"
"All of it. Open your heart." She paused. "First, tell me something about you."
Danny didn't even think. He just started talking. "I lost my best friend when I was a kid. Right in front of me. We were at the shore. Jersey. My family went every summer. Billy and me – we had a contest every day. We'd swim out to the sandbar. It was a race. He was there one minute. Next he was gone."
"Rip current?" She asked, but her eyes were filled with understanding. You live on an island and you learn everything there is to know about water and its dangers. "The can be tricky."
"Yea. I didn't get back in the water til I moved here. For Grace. And Steve."
"Steve?"
"He pushed me to get through my fear. To enjoy the water again. It mostly worked. The big jerk. He made me like this place, and then turns around and leaves me."
"Sounds like you're both on your own for the first time in a long while. Go easy on yourself."
"And Steve?"
"Going easy on yourself might give you the tools to see how Steve's feeling. What he's going through."
"I thought helping him would help me."
"No, Danny. You need to heal yourself. Like an oxygen mask on a plane. You can't help Steve if you can't breathe."
"You're right, doc." Danny dabbed at the corners of his eyes. "It feels like I've been holding my breath for a long time."
"Let's do something easy then. We have a few minutes." She said.
Danny chuckled. Nothing was easy about this session.
"Would you like to talk about your son?"
He froze, tensing more than he wanted. Closing his eyes, he counted to four, then took a slow breath for another four before releasing to the same count. Opening his eyes, Danny picked up his coffee and blew on the already tepid drink.
"No, doc. Not today, okay?"
"Okay. This is your space. Please remember you can tell me anything. And it stays between you and me."
While he didn't believe the last part of what she said, Danny relaxed. He expected her to push, and he didn't know if he could talk about Charlie. He missed the little guy too much. Lou had been right, though. Time away was a good idea. But something bugged him about the shrink bringing him up.
"Wait – what do you know about my son?"
"He's in your bio, Danny. You didn't mention him."
"Oh yea, okay." He answered, as a hot flash rippled over his body. Charlie being gone hurt more than Steve at the moment.
"Danny? Are you alright? You got a little lost."
"I miss my boy. That's all. His mom has him this week."
Dr. Lu nodded, smiling and giving him room to continue or not.
"I'm – uh – taking some time to get my head straight."
"That sounds smart. You've been through a lot."
"Doesn't feel like it." Danny replied. He picked at the rough patches on his knuckles.
"You're doing the right thing here."
"I know, doc. Doesn't make it easy."
"The best choices aren't often the easy ones."
Danny stretched. "You can say that again."
"This is a good place to stop." Uncrossing her legs, Dr. Lu set her folder on the small table beside her.
"Stop? Feels like we're just getting started."
"Our time's up. And this was a lot for one session."
Nodding, Danny took a deep breath. He didn't want to appear eager to leave, but on the inside, he was jumping up and down.
"Danny, please promise me you'll take care of yourself. Reach out to friends, family."
"I'm okay, doc."
"Danny." She raised an eyebrow at him.
He laughed.
"What?" She asked.
"You just reminded me of Steve. He Dannys me all the time."
"I'm in good company then."
"Yea." Danny agreed. He wanted to tell her she also had a face, but he didn't know her that well.
Dr. Lu set took a sip of her tea. Then she stood. "Thank you for coming to see me. I hope I've helped."
Danny shook her offered hand. "You have helped. I think I can deal with this. Thank you."
"Oh Danny, we've only begun."
"Is that a threat?" Danny grinned as he gathered his coffee and water cups.
She laughed. "I'll see you next week?"
"Same time, same place."
"Don't forget your homework."
Danny gave Dr. Lu a wave as he left the office. The mid-morning sun blinded him a little as he scanned the parking spots for his ride. Tani honked the horn, and he laughed. He definitely had friends backing him up.
