Authors Notes:
A lot to cover in this chapter it's a purely Abby chapter.
9:30am
Abby nervously opened the door, it has been about an hour since her whole world came crashing down. Connor had left without a word for no reason that she could think of. He never showed up for their date, she'd like to think of it as a date but never admitted it to Connor, maybe she should've now thinking back.
She had just showed up at Lester's apartment where he'd been staying and had knocked and wait for almost 10 minutes before using the key that Lester gave her.
"Bring him back, he's too valuable for our operations here at the ARC." Lester had explained. Giving Abby as much time as she needed to find and bring him back.
Abby was more concerned about Connor himself. Questions of Why?, Where's he gone?, What do I do now? What do I say to him? Will I ever see Connor again? Have been rushing through her mind.
She stepped into Lester's apartment, not the first time she'd been here having only been here a few days ago.
"I wanted to… ummm." Abby started. "I don't want anything to be weird between us."
She regretted saying that now.
"Connor!" She called out. "It's Abby." Silence.
She walked down the hallway. It pained her to see all the instructions, no demands, Lester had written up on post it notes for Connor. Don't do this, Don't sit there, Do this. How had Connor lived like this, she had done this to him and she felt a huge amount of guilt. If only she had asked him to move back into the flat the other day when she was here. Maybe just maybe she wouldn't be in this situation.
She sighed. She was a coward, she should've just told him how she felt at the racetrack rather than expecting him to make the next move. He after all made the first move last year when he told her he loved her only for her to pretend she didn't hear him. If only she had been more up front with him. Admitted that she had heard him heard those words 'I love you.'
Walking to the end of the hall she turned to where Connor had slept. In a small corner and what was left of Connor's things. She knew instantly he was gone and tears welled up in her eyes again. He had clearly gone through this things rather quickly. Taking what he felt he needed. 'Why had he done this?' It was a quick decision she came to realise, he made it rather urgently. Clothes were thrown all over the place, things misplaced. It looked different to the other day when she was here.
It was then it caught her eye, a small black notebook was on the floor a bit away from everything else, had he dropped it?
Curiosity getting the better of her, plus she needed to try and find some clue to to where he'd gone. She picked it up and saw on the front cover it said 'My Thoughts'
'Maybe this is the break I need'
She was now sure Connor had dropped it in his haste to depart. Normally she'd had respected his privacy but Connor had made her very desperate and difficult to contact or find him. She opened it and saw it was a journal or diary of sorts. She was surprised it wasn't on his laptop, he was after all more techy than sentimental but when she saw the date she realised he must have gotten it before he had his laptop and just decided to stick with it, she started to read.
Entry 1
I met Professor Cutter today, I will confess I was excited to meet his approval. It started out as I hoped but ended in the most unexpected way.
Abby released this was the day they met and he was talking about the discovery of the anomalies. She continued to read.
As I met a girl. I tell you what it was love at first sight. She's amazing. Strong, confident and smart all the things I'm not. Not to mention beautiful, I couldn't help to fall for her straight away.
Abby smiled. Wow. Not one mention of the anomaly it was all about her. This was so unlike Connor. She remembered back then he was so excited to discover them. One thing that always upset her was how low Connor's self confidence was, of course he's strong he's proven that so many times and he's brilliant, a modern day genius. She decided to skip a few entries.
Entry 4
So they kicked me off the team. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. But what can I do. It's not like any of them really noticed me. If it wasn't for me Cutter and Stephen wouldn't had even looked at the anomalies I was the one that brought them the newspaper article and convinced them, no begged them to go look. I know it's my fault I should've kept me mouth shut but I was so excited to tell them about Abby. Of course Tom and Duncan had to follow me and scare the life out of us while we were waiting for a creature, right when I was trying to get closer to her.
Abby smiled she remembered that day. She was so upset with him. She skipped ahead again.
Entry 7
Just my luck, I find the perfect woman, she even lets me stay at her flat with her, only for her to have eyes for Stephen Hart. To say this hurts would be like saying getting attacked by a dinosaur and nearly dying is fun. I'm totally shattered. The girls always go for the good looking strong guys. Right now I am back in my childhood room with my father beating me and calling me and idiot over and over again and you know what he's absolutely right.
She felt the tears well up and run down her cheek as she gasped reading this entry. 'Oh Connor why didn't you ever say anything.'
Had their lives been so similar. She'd felt ashamed now for all those times she'd call him an idiot. It must've cut him deeply every time she said it to him. Guilt washed over her like a wave.
Entry 10
I told her, I finally told Abby I love her. I couldn't let her go, I wasn't going to let her die. If she was then I was going right next to her. She's become my best friend. Really one of my only friends now that Tom is dead, thanks to me I might add, and Duncan has just disappeared. I was ready to go down with her. I can honestly say I've never left like this about anyone. Even Caroline. Even before today started I am planning on ending it with Caroline. I can see how it upsets Abby when I'm with her and I hate seeing Abby upset. It hurts and I don't love Caroline I never have. I tried. I tried to get Abby out of my head but it's hopeless. The worst part is she denied hearing it. It hurt so much, Caroline coming in and taking me away probably saved me making an idiot of meself in front of Abby.
Abby sobbed. 'If only I just admitted I heard him' But she was scared. Connor was in a relationship and she was worried this was going to be another Stephen all over again. If only she had trusted Connor, she knew he wasn't like that but all her relationships where like that.
Entry 15
Stephen is dead. He died saving Cutter and Helen. Despite being so jealous of him, I can't hate him. He was a member of the team and I'll miss him. He made mistakes like me but at the end he showed who he really was. The funeral was well a funeral. I just wanted to comfort Abby, she was so upset and so beautiful and she pulled away from me. Story of me life.
Entry 17
So today a member of the ARC mistaken me to be Abby's boyfriend. I wish! But the look of disgust on her face when she said "No we're just pals" ripped me heart out again. It's clear she'll never feel about me the same way I feel about her the same way. I have to accept that. I have to move on. I can't keep allowing meself to get hurt. But I fear I'll always love her. This is so hard.
Abby was kicking herself. How could she be so stupid. She hadn't even realised she made that face. She's hurt him so much and he never said a word. Why didn't he just say something.
Entry 21
Cutter is dead, he died right next to me. I couldn't bring meself to tell anyone that we spoke before he died next to me. I knew he wouldn't make it. He told me it's all up to me know. All the weight is on me now. Alone I have to figure these anomalies out. Cutter was like the dad I never had and I don't know if I can do this without him, I'm so alone.
'Poor Connor, why didn't you say something?' She had no idea, fighting her own grief she had never thought that Cutter might've been alive when Connor had found him. All this time he had carried this weight and she had no idea.
Entry 24
I visited Cutters grave again. I spoke to him again. I really wish he was still here I'm so alone. Abby has kicked me out of the flat so I'm currently living at the ARC in Cutters old office. No one knows. I told her I was staying at a mates I don't want her to feel bad. Thing is I have no mates anymore. Tom is dead and Duncan just upped and vanished. Abby is me only friend. Me life has been Abby and the ARC for almost 3 years now. Where was I supposed to go? At least I have Sid and Nancy. I feel so alone. Cutter I miss so much during times like this I could talk to him, talk about Abby and how I feel. Now it's just me it's all on me and I have no one. If it wasn't for me love of Abby I probably would've left as I don't know if I can keep doing this alone anymore.
Abby sobbed trying to get through this entry. 'He was living in the ARC?' Why hadn't he or Lester said something. Why didn't he say he had nowhere to go. Jack could've just stayed on the sofa. 'Oh god what did I do? All for a no for good brother.' He was talking about leaving even then. He didn't show any signs. They should've both communicated more to each other. They were supposed to be best friends. If they had they may had admitted how each other felt all this wasted time.
Entry 31
She kissed me! Abby actually kissed me! I was in total shock. I couldn't move. The thing is it was the best feeling I ever had but then history was set on repeat. I am so confused. What should I do? She's been sending me mixed messages for 2 years. Well she came over just now saying she didn't want things weird. She didn't even say she missed me. Didn't say she wanted me to move back. She was happy to take Sid and Nancy but not me. I guess it was too much to expect we came as a package deal or something. I miss living with Abby but I guess it was only a one way street. I'm alone. Lester has me living here like a prisoner and Abby didn't say a word. I clearly have this last few years just seen what I wanted to see when it comes to Abby. I'm just a work colleague not even just pals now. After everything she said to me in the future about Jack maybe it would've been better if a predator or one of those bugs had gotten me. At least I wouldn't be here feeling sorry for meself. I'm such an idiot!
Abby smiled as she started to read the entry. The kiss was wonderful. She had just wished Connor had grabbed her and returned it. It's all she wanted. Sarah and Danny were right Connor still loved her. Abby's whole demeanour however changed as she continued reading. 'No Connor I was scared that I crossed a line you didn't want to cross. I do miss you.'
The last part of the entry made her eyes well up again with tears. 'No Connor you've got it all wrong, I was scared. I'd had died if that predator had gotten you.'
Entry 32
Maybe it's time I just go home to Brighton to Mum. At least I won't be alone anymore.
A lead finally. Maybe Danny being a former cop could help her track his Mum down. He must still have connections where else would he go?
Entry 33
Ignore the last entry. Abby said yesterday that we should meet for breakfast today. It's 5am as I write this. I haven't been able to sleep all night. She said there was something important to talk to me about. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. But this is Abby the woman I love. Should I just hope one last time that she's changed her mind about me? Maybe she wants me to move back in or even better start dating. I think I'm going to get there early as I am wide awake and got all this energy and can't sleep.
"He got there early?" Abby muttered barely above a whisper in disbelief. Connor was never early now it made so much sense. 'Oh Connor it's all my fault' Abby cried.
