Chapter 1
So.. I was a massive control freak when I was younger. I had all these plans for my life. I knew exactly how everything was going to go, from the colour of my prom dress, to the university that I would study at, hell, even the names of my children. I was going to go to Oxford, meet a smart, funny, sexy guy before 25 and by married and expecting my first kid by 30.
I remember daydreaming about it as a teenager, fantasising about my sexy husband who would love me and our children more than anything. As I got older, I became less anal about what I wanted. Maybe I wouldn't go to Oxford, maybe I'd go somewhere else. Maybe I wouldn't be married and pregnant by 30. But I never gave up on my perfect man.
If I had absolute any idea about psychology I might say I was so obsessed with the idea because my parents always seemed to love my sister more than me and I wanted to know what it felt like to be the centre of someone's universe. She was always so perfect, got the best grades, was a proficient gymnast and swimmer. And Alice was the sweetest, kindest person I had ever met. My twin had always been my favourite person. I wish we'd stuck together when we went to university. I would never have found myself in the position I did.
It was my final year of school, I was well on my way to getting a first in Creative Writing and had a teaching position lined up for after school. I was a good student, I had friends and a good social life even though I was seen as pretty prudish because I wasn't really interested in guys. My Prince Charming hadn't come along and knocked me off my feet yet, though to be fair, my standards were probably far too high.
And then, in a sickeningly stereotypical meet cute, I bumped into Jacob Black. Literally. It was like something from those romance books I absolutely devoured as a teenager. My books went flying, he helped me pick them up, offered me his hand to gently pull me to my feet. I'm pretty sure he even brushed a strand of hair out of my eyes. Jerk.
I couldn't see past the gigantic hearts in my eyes for weeks. He took me out on dates, cooked for me, kissed me in the rain! If you looked in the dictionary, underneath "smitten kitten" was a picture of my dumb ass. To be fair I was probably under "clueless idiot" too. I had never really dated before and I honestly thought that his weird possessive behaviour was just his way of showing he loved me. When he began isolating me from my friends I believed him when he said they were jealous and wanted all of my attention. I even let him alienate me from Alice. She was on the other side of the country to study so I just stopped answering her calls and replying to her texts.
After we graduated I moved into a tiny little flat with him and my remaining friends left pretty soon afterwards. I learned quickly to stop agreeing to plans that he hadn't pre-approved and to never attempt to go out without him. We'd been together for a year and a half when I found out I was pregnant. I was so deep in the fog that I was excited to have a child with him, even though I was barely 24 and he was not ready to be a father. I hate how devastated I was when he left me. But I hate how quickly I ran to my piece of shit parents more.
I don't know why I was expecting support and love alongside the disappointment. I don't remember calling Alice, I just remember how secure I felt when she wrapped me in her arms and told me that everything was going to be okay. She had received a job offer while she was in university and had moved to Nottingham to pursue her career.
Within two weeks I was living with her in her little two bedroom house and had an appointment with an obstetrician. My sister was there at every appointment, ran out at all hours for every single one of my weird and wonderful cravings. She held my hair back as I vomited and went to my antenatal classes with me.
She was by my side for every second of my 34 hour labour and cut the cord when Oliver finally entered the world, screaming and writhing and covered in gunk. She loves him fiercely from the moment she held him in the same strong arms that held me together for the first time.
Being a mother to Oliver feels like the only worthwhile thing I had ever done in my life. All the pain and hurt from the past melted away the minute I laid eyes on him and saw my own chocolate ones staring back at me. I made this human. I carried him in my body, my heartbeat lulled him to sleep, my laughter caused him to kick. All of the pain, all of the sadness, all of the late nights up worrying - it was all of it worth it to see my gorgeous baby boy.
When your baby is first born, you think you could never feel more love than you do in that moment. But it's not true. Everyday your heart expands to accommodate the new influx of love. 5 months passed since his birth and I loved him more and more each day.
*
I trudged across the street pushing the pram, sluggish from my broken sleep the past few days. It had been a hellish week of wailing and fitful sleep. Oliver had refused to settle all night and my usual fixes hadn't worked. My eyelids felt like they had paper cuts and my limbs were slow and heavy. My son however, was giggling and wiggling about in his pram, sucking on his fists and kicking his legs. I suppose I would have energy after last night too if I was carried around everywhere and didn't even need to wipe my own ass.
I couldn't help but chuckle at his fascination with his own sock clad feet. He had discovered them a week or so ago and now would grab at them and try to shove them in his mouth frequently. I stumbled over to a bench and promptly flung myself onto it, lifting Oliver out of his pram and settling him on my lap. He fussed a little so I passed him a pacifier, grinning at the way he shoved it into his own mouth and started patting at my thighs. I loved having these quiet moments with-
Warmth spread over my lap and the smell hit me seconds later. No. No! I grimaced and lifted him off my lap slowly and yep, I was covered in shit. They never prepare you for how much these kids shit in those antenatal classes. I gave myself 30 seconds to curse as loudly and extensively as I could in my head before getting to work. I fished the baby wipes out of the baby bag and wiped down Oliver as best as I could before lying the changing mat in the pram and putting him on top of it. He gurgled around his pacifier and clapped his hands as I tried to get the worst of the it out of my jeans. Glad you're enjoying yourself there buddy.
I was grumbling to myself and scrubbing so I didn't notice the little girl running until she tripped over her own feet and landed in a pile in front of me. Ouch. I startled and looked over just as she raised her head and our eyes met. There was a moment or two or complete silence before she started wailing. Fuck. My head swivelled as I frantically searched for her parents while I stood and rushed over to her.
"Shhh little one, it's okay." I tried to soothe, aware of the mess of my trousers as I crouched close to her. She blinked up at me, her big green eyes shiny with tears and sniffled a couple of times, clearly trying to calm herself down even while her chest heaved with every breath.
"Are you here with your mummy? Or with your daddy?" I asked her, resisting the urge to care my fingers through her curly blonde hair.
"My da-ah-ddy," she hiccuped, a few tears spilling over again. As I reached into the bag and handed her a tissue, I saw a tall, auburn haired man running over.
"Is that him?" I asked her, pointing over to him.
"DADDY!" She shouted, getting up on her wobbly legs and running over to him. He dropped to his knees and scooped her up against him, squeezing her tightly.
"You know the rules Evie," and wow that was a sexy voice. I'm not even really into that but he can be my Daddy too.
I knew that I needed to change Oliver soon but I wanted to confirm the little girl was safe before I walked over to a cafe I could see on the corner. I lingered a little, watching out of the corner of my eye and startled when the man suddenly snapped his head towards me and met my gaze. Those are some greeeeen eyes. Hello handsome.
"Thank you for what you did for my daughter, I really appreciate it." He closed the distance between us and reached out to shake my hand, smiling.
"It's no problem, I'm just glad she's okay". I shook his hand once and smiled, trying to angle my hips away so that the damp mess was less visible. Trust me to be stood next to the sexiest man I'd ever seen and be covered in baby shit.
We stood in awkward silence staring at each other, him rolling his weight from foot to foot to soothe the still sniffling little girl in his arms before a gurgle from the pram startled me. I opened my mouth but promptly closed it when I saw him notice the mess on my lap. Fantastic.
"Well.. have a lovely rest of your weekend..?" He looked at me expectantly and I hastily filled the gap with my name blushing at my own eagerness. You've met attractive men before Bella, quit making an ass out of yourself. You smell like a dump and your child needs to be cleaned up.
I smiled and tossed a wave over my shoulder while rushing over to the cafe I'd seen before. I deserved a caramel latte and a chocolate chip muffin. The biggest they have. Definitely to go though, I am not spending more time in these jeans than absolutely necessary.
I could hear Alice's voice in my head as I scurried away, feeling his eyes on my back. You're never going to get laid again if you keep running away from the sexy ones. Ain't that the damn truth. I'm never going to get laid again if I only meet the sexy ones when I smell like the inside of a rancid diaper. Oliver laughed and batted at one of the plush toys in the pram with him. Laugh it up kid, I won't forget this when you're a teenager with your first crush.
Let me know what you think of this, I'm editing like mad at the moment to get the other chapters I've done finished. I have no beta so all the mistakes are mine. Thanks guys, love always.
