Being at the High lord's manor again was a bizarre feeling. I could barely remember the last time I was here. After the curse… Everything with Amarantha. It was hard to describe. But everything was finally over. Thanks to Feyre Cursebreaker. I don't think Spring court could ever repay what she has done for us, as a human.

Seeing our High lord felt right. Now everything would fall back into place and I can finally enjoy life again. The two of them showed so much love for each other. It made me feel jealous. I was walking around, seeing one attracted to another. The high priestess caught my eye at first, but she was hungrily looking at other men. Eyes she would never give me.

Being days at the manor, being surrounded by people. I still felt extremely lonely. I felt like I was lacking something and I also felt unseen. I could see in Feyre's eyes how we were a bother, no matter how our high lord said we were welcome there. So I packed up and left, and went home. Rather choose to be alone than to be ignored. As I was waiting on my carriage, I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of spring. I could feel the trees moving, the flowers breathing. Nature would keep on moving, no matter what. It was a moment of stillness, a bit of clarity. I won't be forever alone. When I opened my eyes again I saw a man strolling around, our eyes met. His lips curled into a smirk as he pointed deeper into the woods. I returned it and I couldn't help myself.


Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be satisfied. I'm laying down on the grass beside another whose name I can't even remember. My body feels restless despite receiving pleasure and orgasming at least twice. But it wasn't enough, never enough. I turned my gaze towards the other fae who closed his eyes, his breathing soft. I slowly sat up and gently placed his shirt over him. A breeze blew over us, the trees moving along. Even the forest wasn't satisfied, constantly moving and breathing.

I stood up and started to walk around. I felt the smell of flowers and the trees. Something I feel every day here in Spring court. I have all the riches I could ever dream of and any High fae I'd like to bed. But I felt constantly hungry. Constantly hungry for something.

I glanced back at the man I just left. He wasn't particularly interesting to talk to, his eyes were only filled with lust and I thought why not. I love the pleasure. Except not when it's so selfish. He came too quickly and was knocked out. Barely giving me any attention. He should worship me for who I am. But they merely see me as a prize. And an accomplishment to bed. But rumours were growing, making me seem like a whore. Maybe I was, I didn't care. I either lost myself in pleasure, stuffed my mouth with food or spent gold on useless things. And after the curse… I think I deserved it.

I watched him wake up in confusion, looking around as he gathered his clothes. Something in me twirled. Disgust, hatred, disappointment. Perhaps all of it as I watched the pathetic man walk away without a care in the world.

I made my way back to my manor, being greeted by my servants as soon as I entered.

"The bath is already running for you mistress. Dinner will be served whenever you're ready" My head maid explained to me as I was beginning to head towards the bathroom.

"Any letters for me?"

"Yes, one from Winter court. Then the ones you have ordered me to throw away usually." I gave her a nod.

"You can place the letter at the dinner table. That will be all" I closed the door behind me and slid out of my dress and into the warm water. The other maids inside the bathroom helped me take out the leaves from my wavy brown hair. They helped me wash it and scrubbed my body clean. Scrubbing off all the memories of the male I rolled around with in the grass.

They dried me and wrapped me in my warm and elegant robe. I dined alone anyway, every day. Even before the curse. The food was already served and ready to eat. All I had to do was to sit down.

"You're dismissed," I told the remaining servants and I was left alone. I lit the candles and opened the letter. It was an invitation to a ball from Winter court. I don't have anything to do anyway. So I might as well go, enjoy something else that isn't spring. Maybe that will finally satisfy my hunger. I placed down the latter and looked up, looking at the enormous table. And all the empty chairs. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I'm the pathetic fool, not being able to keep someone at my side until dinner. I probably should have cried. But at this point, it's just a small thing compared to what Prythian had faced. As I looked at the letter I wondered if there was someone I could write to, someone to confide in. How horrible these 50 years were and how happy we are to have survived. All it took was two people to fall in love, one of them being brave enough. But all the names that came to mind, either didn't survive or I didn't like. I took one or two bites out of my food, but I couldn't really eat more. I quickly stood up and made my way to my bedroom, locking the door after me.

I quickly hopped into bed and hid under the pillows. I could feel how emotions were spreading and how I was suffocating from keeping my cries in. I wanted to be comforted but at the same time, I didn't want to be seen. At the time it made complete sense. But now that I think back it's completely illogical.