INTRO:
Wiz: Bowser, the Koopa King.
Boomstick: And Dr. Ivo Robotnik, the Eggman with the master plan.
Wiz: Every hero needs a villain. And much like their nemesi, these two are iconic in every way.
Boomstick: Even if it means getting your ass kicked over and over and OVER again! Sheesh, when will they ever learn?
Wiz: Probably never.
Boomstick: Eh, fair enough. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
BOWSER:
Boomstick: Once upon a time, a giant turtle had a dream. He would conquer the Mushroom Kingdom by turning everyone in it into brick. But one pesky princess had the gall to undo his mystical masonry.
Wiz: Naturally, King Bowser Koopa had only one sensible option: he snatched her up and locked her away in his castle.
Bowser's Castle from Super Mario Bros. is shown.
Wiz: No, not that castle.
The Great Tower of Bowser Land from Super Mario 3D World is shown.
Wiz: That castle.
Boomstick: Because what's a little kidnapping when you've already morphed thousands of innocents into brick?
Wiz: With the princess out of the picture, Bowser finally had it all. Until two pesky portly plumbers popped up out of nowhere and procured his petulant princess.
Boomstick: Nice job on that alliteration!
Wiz: I'm surprised you know what alliteration means.
Boomstick: Of course, my conspicuous co-host! Anyway, if there's one thing to say about Bowser, it's that he never gives up. He's always hatching a new scheme for domination with his army, and you know it's going to involve some princess pilfering.
Wiz: And not only is he tenacious, but he's also incredibly tough.
Boomstick: Probably due to his natural turtley-ness.
Wiz: That's not a real word, but you are correct. Bowser's seemingly indestructible shell can take an insane amount of abuse. As can the rest of him, really.
Boomstick: Not only that, but his shell's great for doling out damage. Probably because of the impale-a-man sized spikes! Which he can shoot out of his shell like a goddamn cannon!
Wiz: Bowser also fights with his razor-sharp teeth and claws, and is capable of lifting and throwing massive amounts of weight.
Boomstick: He can probably even lift your mother, Wiz.
Wiz: Hey!
Boomstick: Lord knows I couldn't. He's also got a bunch of weapons to throw around, like hammers, spike balls, and Mecha-Koopas, all from the safety of the happiest flying machine ever, the Koopa Clown Copter.
We see Bowser fly off with a petrified Peach in the Subspace Emissary story.
Boomstick: Is that spelled with c's or k's?
Wiz: An impressive airborne vehicle which can somehow drop ammunition exactly the size of itself, probably via some kind of magic.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, have we mentioned that this is a magic turtle? He can breathe fire like a dragon, shapeshift into anything, even grow at will to be as big as a castle. Which is also a Transformer. You think he can grow his-
Wiz: No, I don't wanna think about it, have you seen a turtle penis? They're horrifying!
Boomstick: I haven't... Why have you?
Wiz: Science...Anyway, with his size increase comes a tremendous boost in power. Not only can he fight a castle, he can pick the whole thing up and throw it!
Boomstick: He's tough enough to survive lava of any temperature, even when it melts off his skin! He's withstood a point blank supernova, and survived being sucked into a black hole, multiple times!
Wiz: And consider, a black hole is a complete compression of space and time that stretches anything apart, even light itself.
Boomstick: Man, you'd think with all this awesome power, Bowser could take over the Mushroom Kingdom, like, no problem. Even more easily than you'd think with his skeletal Dry Bowser form and the badass Fury Bowser!
Wiz: Except he's an idiot. He's constantly underestimating his opponents, he builds traps in his castles which always end up being used against him, and to top it all off, he's illiterate. Still, with his incredible ferocity and brute force, it's no wonder Bowser strikes fear across the Mushroom Kingdom.
Boomstick: Until they all get together for go-karting or some tennis.
Wiz: Take it from me, Boomstick, you can't always be the bad guy.
Boomstick: Okay...
(Bowser attempts to get a kiss from Peach after winning Mario Tennis, but Birdo comes up to kiss him instead, he sees and jumps back in fright, then runs off.)
EGGMAN:
Wiz: Dr. Eggman is the obese, yet strangely athletic evil mastermind responsible for terrorizing the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, in his quest to rule a global empire. His engineering mastery has led to a massive army of unique robot warriors using the strangest fuel source: kidnapped animals.
Boomstick: He's PETA's worst nightmare.
Wiz: His army is based around speed and defense, including Moto Bugs, Caterkillers, Buzz Bombers, Egg Pawns and SWATbots.
Boomstick: But Eggman's got way more than that! His Egg Fleet is a huge armada of battleships, led by the Massive Egg Carrier, which supports a huge, front mounted laser cannon.
Wiz: The Eggman army is spearheaded by his deadliest robot warriors, the Badniks. The EggRobo is a smartbot crafted in Eggman's own image, and designed to carry out tasks Eggman himself would normally do.
Boomstick: What's this guy's deal with eggs?
Wiz: On its own, Silver Sonic appears slow and bulky, but it is powered by a Chaos Emerald, making it a much faster and more practical machine.
Boomstick: Then he made another robo-hog, Mecha Sonic, who focuses on firepower over speed.
Wiz: Mecha Sonic can even absorb Chaos energy to attain a short lived Super Form.
Boomstick: But Eggman wanted more than just Sonic bots. Mecha Knuckles can glide and vomit giant rockets.
Wiz: And E-101 Beta remains one of Eggman's most versatile creations.
Boomstick: He's a flying robot with super speed, teleportation and a reflector shield. He shoots homing missiles and Kamehamehas and has one of my favorite defensive abilities ever, the backhand!
Wiz: The Shadow Androids are fast and durable and typically fight in groups of three. However, their design is so complex, they sometimes glitch in close combat, and speaking of glitches, despite being an absolute genius, Dr. Eggman appears to suffer from a peculiar personality disorder that sent him through several different "phases".
Boomstick: Let's just hope that Scratch and Grounder phase doesn't show up today.
Wiz: But none of Eggman's creations have ever been as deadly or as successful as his ultimate killing machine...
Boomstick: Hyper Metal Sonic.
Wiz: Metal Sonic was specifically designed to be better than Sonic the Hedgehog in every way, and was a complete success. Metal can move much faster than Sonic, easily reaching near Mach five speeds. Metal's abilities include Sonic's Spin Dash and Homing Attack, along with the impenetrable Black Shield.
Boomstick: He's also got a chest laser, rocket powered flight, and the Maximum Overdrive attack, where he overloads his circuits to create a glowy energy field that'll burn through pretty much anything!
Wiz: And that's not all. Somehow, Eggman managed to make Metal Sonic an ever evolving force. Metal has the uncanny ability to scan and copy data from others, flawlessly replicating their abilities.
Boomstick: Damn, Eggman sure stepped up his game!
Wiz: Obtaining enough power can transform Metal into a number of more impressive forms, all of which increase his abilities immeasurably.
Boomstick: The only downside to giving Metal Sonic a super brain is, Eggman sometimes has trouble keeping him in line.
Wiz: But even with his metallic minions waging his war, Dr. Eggman is perfectly willing to step into the battlefield himself. He pilots the Eggmobile, a fast, single man pod with twin mounted machine guns. The Eggmobile's most vital function, however, is its universal compatibility to operate almost all of Eggman's machines.
Boomstick: Like the flying Egg Dragoon with its minigun and drill rockets, and the humongous Death Egg Robot with its spiked rocket arms and lasers!
Wiz: Eggman is vicious and clever. He's an expert at playing his opponents right into his hands. At the same time, though, he can be overly obsessive to the point of overlooking some important factors in an effort to concentrate on a single goal, but while this can be a perilous game for Eggman, it also makes him dangerously unpredictable.
Eggman: A nice dream. But dreams are meant to be...
(He uses his rocket boots to fly out of the hole as Antoine runs in fear)
Eggman: ...broken.
DEATH BATTLE:
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEE!
…
(Hard Boiled Fury - Brandon Yates)
Inside Bowser's castle, Bowser finishes watching Mario and Sonic's rematch as he munches on mushrooms.
Bowser: HAHAHAHAHA! For a second there I thought I'd have to worry about TWO do-gooders! Unless you count Green 'stache. Oh wait, he got beaten up by that fox boy! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He hears a slight explosion and the ground shakes a little.
Bowser: Oh COME ON! Now what?!
Grumbling, he gets off his chair and walks off.
Bowser: That dark lord of bacon better not be calling for his OWN rematch. And it BETTER not be that red spiked guy. Wait a minute, the gorilla took care of him. Or maybe it's just another case of the same old same old. *sigh* Want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
After taking an elevator down to the lower levels, he steps out into a balcony walkway overlooking ships, hangars, and Mecha Koopas. Even the Clown Cruiser can be seen.
Bowser: Normally I'd be taking credit, plumber boy, but this time, I swear I did NOT kidnap-! Huh?!
He sees a Badnik army march in with Eggman in his Eggmobile.
Bowser: HEY!
He leaps down.
Bowser: Whattya think you're doing here, Super Stache?! This is my evil lair!
Eggman: You utter FOOL! The hedgehog was mine to destroy!
Bowser: WHAT?! It was Mario that made him run out of lives, not me! And what's with the awesome robots?! How come I don't have any of that cool stuff?!
Eggman: These Badniks are one of a kind! Now, I believe that you have something for me. One of the Chaos Emeralds!
Bowser: Huh? Look, that gem just landed in front of my castle! And since it's NOT green, it can't possibly be an emerald!
Eggman: You shell-for-brains! Those emeralds have far more power than you could possibly realize! Once I gain all seven of them, I, the great Dr. Eggman, will finally put an end to that Italian idiot!
Bowser: WHAT?! HEY! Just because my nemesis beat the crud outta yours doesn't mean you have the right to destroy him! Besides, YOU'RE not the only one with an army!
Bowser whistles, and various minions, including Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Bullet Bills, Bob-ombs, Thwomps, Chain Chomps, Boos, Thwomps, Koopalings, and every other appear.
Bowser: And if anyone is gonna pummel that plumber, it's gonna be me! King Bowser!
Eggman: Very well then! Tonight I dine on turtle soup!
Bowser: Not if I have some scrambled eggs for breakfast first!
Both: MINIONS! ATTACK!
DB Announcer: FIGHT!
Both enemies and robots charge forward. Motobugs ram into Goombas, the Koopalings take on Egg Robos, and Bowser Jr begins dueling Metal Sonic. Bowser doesn't waste time either, as he breathes fire at Scratch and Grounder, who yelp and run away. He then leaps at Eggman, but it's revealed to be a Robotnik Replica that poofs away.
Bowser: Huh?!
Eggman: Snooping as usual, I see. Now get a load of this!
He presses a button and fires the guns on his Eggmobile, but Bowser turns around and blocks the bullets with his shell before firing his spikes.
Eggman: What?!
One of the spikes hits his craft, and he begins to lose control.
Eggman: No way! I can't believe this! ARGH!
However, Eggman manages to land in his Battle-Egg Mech V1 (from the One Minute Melee match) and manages to recover. Both fighters leap back up to the balcony after Eggman dodges a fire blast that destroys one of Bowser's docked airships.
Bowser: Nice bots, bub. Too bad I gotta screw that loose bolt of yours back into place.
Eggman: We'll see who's the 'bub' soon enough! Get a lo-!
Bowser: SHUT UP!
He leaps up and punches the mech, which stumbles back. Angered, Eggman fires finger missiles. Bowser manages to spin in his shell to block them while advancing towards Eggman. One of them hits Eggman, and Bowser follows up with a fireball before he begins to hammer on the leg.
Eggman: Prepare to be skewered! OHOHOHOHO!
He manages to drill at Bowser, knocking him back before charging the drill with electricity.
Eggman: Take this!
He does an uppercut with the drill, causing lightning to strike down. Bowser manages to dodge them, but the last bolt scorches him.
Bowser: YOWCH!
Eggman then moves close to him in the mech before delivering a hard chop and kicking the turtle away in his shell. As the mech stomps towards him, Bowser manages to come out of his shell.
Bowser: Why you...!
He slams a fist down onto the ground in anger and roars, lunging onto the mech and sending it toppling before he slashes his claws onto it.
Eggman: N-No! Fire! FIRE!
Bowser: Alright then! You asked for it!
He blasts the Eggmobile with fire before the machine guns suddenly open fire on him. Once they run out of ammo, Bowser is knocked back with a spring and lands on his shell.
Bowser: Grrr! Stupid…rotten...little…!
Eggman: Oh ho ho! How do you like that?!
As Bowser struggles to right himself, Eggman fires more missiles on him. The balcony is destroyed as Bowser and Eggman fall back down to the ground.
Eggman: There's nowhere left to run! Now I'll flatten you!
Bowser dodges an arm slam before dodging an uppercut and a drill stab (which nearly touches him), then grabs the drill arm and rips it off!
Eggman: WHAT?!
Bowser throws the drill arm at him, which bounces off. Bowser then punches the arm and sends it flying towards a wall, which it bounces off of and hits Eggman. Bowser's following kick strikes as well, making him trip. He then performs his bowser Bomb on the mech, damaging it even more.
Bowser: Come on, coward! Get outta there and face me!
He grabs Eggman and does a suplex on him.
Eggman: Impossib-OUCH!
He manages to grab some sand and throw it into Bowser's eyes.
Bowser: YOW! MY EYES! ARGH, I'M GONNA FRY YOU!
As he tries to get it out, Eggman retreats into his mech.
Eggman: Take THIS!
He leaps up and slams his mech down, only for Bowser to dodge yet again.
Eggman: Why you! I'll get you!
Bowser grabs the drill and heats it up with his fire breath before firing, sending the mech tumbling outside into the volcanic lands. Bowser then follows up with a shell spin, but Eggman fires missiles.
Eggman: Bombs away!
The missiles rocket into Bowser and begin pushing him away, but he manages to grab them.
Bowser: Showtime!
He then flips around and flies right at Eggman with the missiles.
Eggman: No! Stay back!
The missiles slam into him as the mech blows up, but Eggman manages to fly away.
Bowser: HEY! Get back here, you-!
He suddenly does wide-eyed as something towers over him.
Bowser: You...you…
Eggman then laughs as the Death Egg Robot towers over Bowser.
Eggman: So long-eh Bowser!
The robot then punts Bowser away, and he yells as he falls into a lava pit.
Eggman: HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Finally! The Chaos Emerald is mine!
He has the robot's arm extend and pick it up before inserting it into the chest.
Eggman: Now I just need six more, and then once I pulverize that plumber, Eggmanland will finally come to-!
Suddenly, the ground shakes.
Eggman: What?!
Suddenly, something as massive as the Death Egg Robot rises and stomps forward. Dry Bowser lets out a powerful roar.
Dry Bowser: GRAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I FEEL GREAT! FINISHING YOU WILL BE CAKE!
Eggman: RRRGH! Time to grind those bones to dust!
The Death Egg Robot and Dry Bowser begin their duel, both trading blows. During a grapple, Dry Bowser blasts blue fire right at the cockpit before Eggman kicks him away. The Death Egg Robot then leaps up to squash Dry Bowser, but the skeleton dodges and grabs the mech before performing his Side Special and slamming the Death Egg Robot to the ground before following up with a Side Tilt.
Eggman: Preposterous little-!
The Death Egg Robot blasts lasers at Dry Bowser, and he stumbles back with a roar.
Dry Bowser: ENOUGH OF THIS! MAYBE I'LL HAVE MY EGGS DEVILED!
Dry Bowser charges up and blasts a barrage of blue fire balls at the Death Egg Robot, with Eggman yelling.
Eggman: GYAARGH! NO! NOT LIKE THIS! IT'S NOT ENDING LIKE THIS!
He has the Death Egg Robot charge despite the system malfunction and delivers a powerful punch that shatters the skeleton. However, his screen says "DAMAGE CRITICAL. SELF-DESTRUCT INITIATED". So he has himself ejected in his Eggmobile and flies off before the Death Egg Robot explodes.
Eggman: HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Finally! I've won! I-! HUH?!
He notices black paint-like goo envelop the bones. As it soon begins to glow, Eggman gasps.
Eggman: DEPLOY THE EGG DRAGOON! NOW!
His Eggmobile flies off and soon, the dragon mech lands, which he inserts himself into.
Eggman: Why won't you just DIE already, you stupid dragon turtle?!
As Eggman is beginning to lose more and more of his sanity, Fury Bowser opens his eyes and lets out a berserk roar as a heavy rain begins to fall. A storm begins with lightning crashing down.
Eggman: FIRE! FIRE EVERYTHING!
He yells as the Egg Dragoon opens fire with both drills, rockets, missiles, lasers, and bullets as the Egg Fleet is called in to bombard Fury Bowser, but he only roars and blasts down the Egg Carrier with a single fire beam.
Eggman: FREEZE!
The Egg Dragoon fires a powerful ice blast, with Fury Bowser countering with a fire blast. Sending the beam at full power, Eggman manages to push it in his favor, freezing Fury Bowser…
Before he breaks free with another roar.
Eggman: N-NO! STAY BACK! LOSE! DIE!
Fury Bowser lets out another roar before blasting massive fireballs at the Egg Dragoon. Eggman dodges them. Instead, the fireballs shoot down his ships. However, once Fury Bowser coughs up smoke, indicating he's run out of fire, he only grabs his own castle and throws it.
The Egg Dragoon is hit with it, with Eggman yelling as he falls to the ground. From the impact, as Fury Bowser slowly stomps up, the Egg Dragoon is severely damaged, with its wings, drill arm, and lower half having been severed off.
Eggman: Can't...won't...let...not...THIS TIME!
With an enraged and insane roar, he fires desperately at Fury Bowser, who begins charging up as he stomps down on the Egg Dragoon, trapping Eggman inside and preventing him from ejecting.
Eggman: NO NO NO! I AM THE EGGMAN! I HAVE THE MASTER PLAN! I CAN'T LOSE! NOT LIKE THIS!
Finally, Fury Bowser lets out a powerful roar as he blasts down at the Egg Dragoon, and Eggman screams in loss.
Eggman: NOOOOOOOO! I HATE THAT KOOPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Finally, the mad doctor is vaporized as the Egg Dragoon explodes. Fury Bowser lets out a victorious roar before he reverts back to his normal form.
Bowser: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You just got CRACKED!
He performs his Dropkick Side Smash on the remains of the Egg Dragoon, sending it flying off-screen with a blast. He then beats his chest and lets out a roar before laughing.
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
Boomstick: Abandon all hope lest ye fight the beast, for no one can even stand a chance against a king's fury. Eggman got completely scrambled there.
Wiz: Truly, this was an interesting matchup between brains vs brawn. But given their feats, it's clear that brawn had the advantage.
Boomstick: Let's see, Bowser survived falling into lava, his own castle falling onto him, and even a freakin' black hole! All Eggman ever survived was getting trapped outside of time, getting sucked into a Hyper-go-on created bootleg black hole, and even that Nega Wisp Armor Death Egg Robot-destroying Triple Boost!
Wiz: Eggman COULD have gotten the upper hand with another creation of his, the Time Eater. The only problem is, he would need to have someone as smart as himself to help make it work: His past self. Besides, all his other attempts to control ancient primordial god-like beings utterly blew up in his face.
Boomstick: All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Eggman together again!
Wiz: Ok, that one was actually kind of clever.
Boomstick: I do try sometimes.
Wiz: The winner is Bowser.
