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Part 6 Sometimes there

Choosing the lesser of two evils, Daryl wrapped the tiny white towel around his waist, fastened it with a knot while keeping his back against the wall just like before.

A wall – some protection, he thought sourly. But it was all he had against his older and bigger brother who had clearly lost his mind.

'What the fuck ya gone and done that for, Merle? He's gonna kill ya for that!' He lashed out, focusing on keeping his voice steady. Maybe if he showed that he wasn't scared, Merle would come to his senses and be the dopey older brother he was used to dealing with.

Merle merely shrugged his shoulders and snickered. It was like breaking the bathroom door and the consequences that was to follow when dealing with their father meant nothing to him. He was obviously high as a kite, Daryl didn't need to take another look at his brother's pupils to realize this. He'd been drinking too, he stank like a brewery. Daryl twisted his hands nervously, earning himself a funny look. If he didn't know any better, he thought to himself, Merle was gazing at him in something akin to awe like he'd seen him properly for the very first time. To his dismay, he'd apparently forgotten all about his bursting bladder too, after yelling the house down about it.

'Don't ya want to...?'

Merle cut him off with a dismissive wave of his hand that almost caught him off guard before he rapidly strode over to him in mere seconds to make a grab for him. Luckily, the booze and whatever else he'd taken had affected his co-ordination and Daryl dodged him easily, even when he renewed his clumsy efforts to seize him.

'Wh...What ya want Merle?' He stuttered as his back was up against the wall again. 'Thought ya wanted to use the bathroom?' He continued, trying to distract him but he didn't like the response he got when Merle shot off a smile he didn't recognize right before he growled at him , baring his teeth like an old street dog.

Daryl could see that Merle's eyes were still burning with rage lurking underneath, just waiting to leap out at anyone who happened to be in his way and closest at hand. Just like he was now. In that moment for the first time in his life Daryl felt genuinely afraid of his big brother. He knew that he couldn't be saving up all that anger just for their dad. Sure, he had already taken out some of it on the door but he wasn't fully himself and Daryl could see that his brother was far from finished. He feared that he would be the next thing that received the brunt of all his rage. But he wasn't an object – he was a warm flesh and blood person who could feel pain. Dad had taught him that.

At a loss at what to do, Daryl cowered against the wall and desperately looked for an escape route. The window was too high, besides, he'd never get there without being yanked back by his enraged brother, the broken door was a no-go too, the results would be the same. Merle was standing in the way, with his arms crossed over his chest and staring at him like ….well, he didn't have words for that look. But it freaked him out whatever it was.

The closest he could come to describing it was that Merle resembled a powerful lion, lazily toying with his prey, before he pounced on it and made the final kill. He'd never looked at him like that before – he put it down to whatever shit he'd been taking. Not to forget about what he'd been drinking.

Daryl nervously tried to steel himself for the blows that he was sure were about to rain down on him, at the same time cursing himself for not learning from his mistakes. Staying in the shower too long was what had got him into trouble last time...why did he keep doing stupid shit to provoke the both of them like that for?

When he eventually snapped out of the thoughts, he found himself with his nose inches away from Merle's chest and he instinctively pushed at it to get some distance between them. : 'No...Don't!' He cried and tried to shove him away again. But Merle didn't budge, didn't react. He probably didn't even feel it, Daryl thought bitterly. After a second's hesitation, Merle kept on advancing and he didn't know why he had even bothered, he was literally backed into a corner with no avenue of escape now.

'Merle, please...'

He didn't answer of course, only smirked at him in that imperious way of his. Daryl flinched when he reached for him but he only yanked him away from the safety of the wall to hold him in a tight grip by the top of one arm.

'Please, Merle, don't hurt me.' Daryl pleaded shamelessly now, from dad he could handle a whopping but not from his big brother. 'I was only havin' a shower...' He hung his head, hoping this would make his brother snap out of it. 'I was going to open the door for ya, but you didn't listen… And when you went at it like you did I was…I was scared it was too late and that you'd hurt me for not opening it fast enough… I didn't mean to…' He gabbled, his words pouring out in a torrent of alarm.

Merle's gaze along with his voice grew soft then while he listened to his brother who was pratically stumbling over his words to get them out fast enough. It finally dawned on him that he was scaring his little brother. No matter how high he was from the drugs, the fear on Daryl's face and the body trembling with fear under his hand was in no way funny to him. The joke was clearly over so he loosened his grip, but he still didn't let him go.

'I ain't gonna hurt ya. Never hurt you, baby brother. Ya gotta know that.' He crooned at him and that weird look he had been sporting disappeared from his face.

Daryl let out a sigh of relief when his big brother went back to -well-...looking just like his big brother again. This drew a soft chuckle from Merle who ruffled his hair and finally released him. 'I was jus' messin' with ya. Now, get outta here 'cos I really do need to take a piss.'

'But what about the door?' He glanced nervously towards the stairs. He couldn't believe that his brother could be so casual about it. 'Dad'll be back soon...'

'Don't you worry about that. I'll get it fixed. Now, shoo.' Merle waved him away and it was clear that he was waiting for him to leave, but Daryl found himself unable to move as if his feet were nailed to the floor. He knew he'd have to move some time because Merle was clearly impatient for him to get out and leave him in peace. If he didn't go, his teasing mood would soon turn to one of annoyance and then he might turn back into that scary big brother who acted crazy. Dreading it but knowing that he had no choice, Daryl tried to stiffle a sigh of resignation because he knew that Merle would see.

But what if he walked out backwards? Maybe his brother would think he was just carrying on joking around, trying to be funny? It might make him laugh but more likely it would make him suspicious, bursting bladder or no.

Desperate enough to try anything to hide his and Dad's secret from Merle, a sudden fit of dizziness from his over-strained nerves almost made him faint before he took a hesitant first step backwards. But he shook his head to clear it because he'd promised his dad to keep his mouth shut and not let Merle see right before he'd called him a 'good boy'. That ultimate bit of praise that he'd rarely got from him meant he wasn't going to destroy everything by acting like a pussy. So Daryl took a few more steps casually, like he did this every day. Praying that his brother would see the funny side of it and just let him go.

But Merle didn't even laugh. Instead, he raised his eyebrows in surprise and before Daryl could even think about running out, he'd already crossed the short distance between them.

He grabbed his younger sibling again and shook him. 'Why ya walkin' outta here like that?'

'Let go of me! Thought it would be funny, is all!'

'What's the matter, don't tell me ya shy, baby brother?' Chuckling now, he spun Daryl around instead, like they were dancing partners at a ball in the old days. 'Ain't like ya naked or nothin'.'

'Merle...Don't!' He protested but Merle was having too much fun now, his bladder forgotten again.

It wasn't long before playtime was over and Merle's chuckles turned to a sharp gasp of dismay when he noticed after he twirled him around so that his back was to him.

'Stop it, Merle!' Daryl squirmed, knowing full well what Merle's eyes were fixated on.

'Holy fuck...' He breathed out the word shakily, obviously having trouble keeping his emotions in check. He knew where every scar on Daryl's body was, had memorized each and every cigarette burn, cut from the knife and other marks their father had put on him over the years. His baby brother's body was like a map in his memory that he used for comparison every time he checked him over for new signs of abuse. Especially when he'd been gone awhile. That was the most dangerous time for Daryl because their Dad thought he was safe to do whatever he wanted with him and that Merle would be none the wiser.

He sighed as he once again went over what his options were. He simply couldn't take Daryl with him...The jobs were dangerous and bad enough without having a whiny kid brother in tow. When things were at their worst, he barely got himself out alive, his chances were reduced to almost zero to none if he had to protect Daryl as well.

He hissed as his eyes were drawn like iron to magnets towards the old familiar lingering marks on his back that resembled coils of rope. He saw that there were definitely more of those marring his eleven-year old brother's body. Daryl's smooth baby- skin would be perfect if it wasn't for them. That thought made him growl deep in his throat and gave him the urge to smash something, but he immediately regretted his reaction when he felt Daryl stiffen under his hands. The boy had even stopped struggling to get free, knowing that it was no use. Not now that Merle knew his secret.

'Sh...sorry. Ain't you I'm mad at.' He hushed him.

By the looks of the raised scar-tissue, it had formed not that long ago. A few weeks maybe... Merle closed his eyes and forced himself to take a calming deep breath as it dawned on him that this all had happened while he was out on his last job. Out earning money to pay the bills and keep their piece-of-shit useless father in booze and smokes because if he didn't have money for those, he was more likely to take out his frustration on his little brother while he was absent.

He tried to suppress his rage at this new revelation so that he wouldn't yell at his brother and scare him even more. After all, it wasn't his fault and it wasn't Daryl that he should be getting angry at. Yet it wasn't easy controlling his emotions because like so many times before the anger was directed at himself too. Because he'd failed to protect Daryl against their sick bastard of a father yet again.

He was a lousy big brother. Couldn't even do that one thing right.

'What did he do?' He asked, deliberately keeping his voice calmer than he actually felt. Merle knew he'd get the truth out of him easier that way.

'N...Nothin'...' Daryl tried to squirm out of his grip again but Merle growled and shook him in warning to keep still.

'When did the bastard to this? He use his fuckin' belt on ya again?' His voice rose in his fury, despite his best efforts to the contrary. 'I told that coward if he lays one finger on ya while I'm gone, I'll fuckin' end him!'

Daryl whimpered and leaned away, not knowing what else to do to calm his brother down he tried for a weak: 'Stop it, Merle. I deserved it...I...I used up all the water in the shower!' He blurted out lamely, looking down at the ground.

Merle snorted in response and shook his head. 'Ya think that's a good enough reason for this?!' His eyes ranged over his little brother's back again as they took in every new raised lump of tissue and blemish. It hurt him to look at the damage that he'd failed to prevent and this was Merle's way of punishing himself, taking each scar in, inch by inch. He spun his brother around then, tilting his chin up with one hand. 'Ain't nothin' ya could have done that makes this OK!'

'What good does it do goin' over it again?' Daryl shrugged Merle off of him, wanting to get out of there more now than ever that his secret was out. The damage was done and the last thing he wanted was to make their dad disappointed in him by thinking that he had told Merle after all. That he had gone whining to him like a little pussy he so often accused him of being, Merle too when he was angry with him. Worse, after this, Daryl knew that he would go back to being their father's punching bag in a blink of an eye. Their truce would come to an end after this for sure and the good weeks would be nothing but a fond but dim memory.

Merle didn't understand any of this and would only laugh scornfully if Daryl tried to explain how things had changed between him and their father. That Dad didn't hurt him anymore...he'd never believe that in a million years. He would think Daryl was just lying to protect him and avoid more yelling and arguing.

Daryl had time to only get a few steps ahead before his brother grabbed him yet again, pinning him in place and getting all in his face, fed up with him trying to get away. They were practically nose to nose and Daryl tried to get him to back off, figuring that their dad hadn't gone far and was sure to be back any minute. He had probably only gone to the local store to buy smokes. If Daryl was lucky he'd found one of his buddies on the way to chat with before coming home.

But he knew that he'd be back soon and seeing them in the bathroom, Daryl's back on display would lead their father to jump to the conclusion that he'd shown Merle deliberately and told him about the whipping. That he had betrayed him. All hell would break loose then. First, it would be about the broken bathroom door and then Merle would scream at him for hurting his baby brother again.

'Let go of me!'

Merle complied with a sigh when he recognised the signs that Daryl was about to go in full panic mode and he held him put with his glaring eyes rather than his hands.

'Ya better start talkin', little brother. That's a real nasty whippin' ya got there.'

'So? He did it to you too.' Daryl smirked and leaned back casually against the wall, pretending more indifference than he actually felt.

'Yeah, but you got a hell of a lot more scars on ya than I ever had. Especially at your age. How many lashes did he give ya this time? Fifty?' Merle was exaggerating but the rage on his face was clear.

'Weren't that many. Think I'd be in a hospital if it was, don't you?' Even he couldn't talk his way out of that one if I was to show up there lookin' like that.' The younger boy snapped back and rolled his eyes. 'Besides, it was ages ago and he ain't even hit me since. He promised he'd never do it ever again!'

'Ain't even hit ya?' Merle whispered in disbelief as he shook his head. 'Better fuckin' not have!' His eyes as they narrowed and understanding finally dawned in them. It took Merle time to get there but he usually did in the end. 'That why ya didn't want to go swimmin'?' He demanded.

He knew the answer as soon as Daryl looked away and hunched his shoulders, trying to make himself smaller like he wanted to disappear.

'Answer me!' He snapped with big brother authority that could never be resisted.

Daryl finally nodded knowing his tactic of keeping silent wouldn't work. 'Isn't it obvious?' He said in a broken voice that made the older brother wince.

'Fuck him.' Merle shook his head and gave Daryl a little shove. 'Get outta here while I take a piss. I need to think about what we're gonna do.'

'But Merle, he's really sorry 'bout it. He's changed for real!'

Merle glowered and crossed his arms over his chest, looking unconvinced.

'Don't say nothin' to him 'bout it, please.'

'Get outta here unless ya wanna watch.' He made a pantomime leer at him before he made a ridiculous attempt to close the door in his face which of course he couldn't since it was broken and hanging off its hinges. 'Damn whorin' door!' He cursed and kicked at it. Then he noticed that Daryl hadn't moved, was just peering at him in anxiety and looking over his shoulder for signs of their old man coming back. Normally his fight with the broken door would have had his brother dissolve in laughter, but not this time. Merle sighed and promised himself that he would take care of his little brother and make him feel better. Right after he was done getting rid of the after- effects of a whole night's drinking.

'I said 'Do ya mind?'' . He jerked his head meaningfully towards the hallway.

Daryl sighed and left but didn't go far.

'Fuuuck...' He heard his older brother groan with relief as he let go with a noisy heavy stream of urine. Like a race-horse. It did seem like a miracle to him that he'd managed to hold on so long, only his little brother in trouble could have distracted him from it.

Meanwhile, Daryl hoovered outside of the bathroom, nervously kicking at the wall, waiting impatiently for his brother to finish up already. He felt sick and his stomach was full of dread, felt heavy like it was full of lead. He knew he had to convince Merle to keep quiet and then things could carry on being good. Make him see that Dad was nice to him now, that he didn't punish him like he used to.

Merle seemed to take ages to empty his bladder to Daryl, probably because he was waiting for the front door to open and their father to appear. When he couldn't stand the silence anymore he mumbled out loud, he knew that his brother, always alert when it came to him, would hear:

'Merle...leave it. He's gonna go mad about the door as it is.'

'Ya still there?'

Daryl sighed in relief as he finally heard him stop, flush the handle and zip up his flies. In no time he was out in the hall again trying to stand upright, using the wall as support and wondering why you always felt so much more drunker once you got back home. But he soon focused his attention on the matters at hand when he spied the uneasy form of his little brother, clearly listening out for their old man's return strung and taunt as a harp's string. 'Hey, relax. I'm here now. Won't let him get to ya.'

'I'm scared, Merle. He's gonna kill both of us.' His lower lip was quivering, like it always did. Giving his fear away but Merle didn't comment on it.

'He ain't gonna do nothin'. Cos we're leavin'. Now.'

Daryl's mouth grew slack in surprise at his brother's words. 'Wha...What?' We can't! I told ya he doesn't hurt me like that no more!'

'Yeah, but he did and that's enough for me. Pack a few things then we're goin'.'

'But we ain't got nowhere to stay!'

He smirked. 'We can stay at one of my girl's. They won't mind.'

That suggestion made Daryl inwardly groan, because that could be any number of the skanks Merle bedded. His brother was anything but picky when it came to the opposite sex.

But it was too late because just then, announcing their dad's arrival was the sound of the front door being opened right before closing with a loud slam.

The two boys exchanged nervous glances. Merle noticed that his brother was looking more apprehensive than ever and as if to confirm what he was thinking, right then one of Daryl's small hands snaked out to clutch at his shirt. Merle could see it shaking and didn't have the heart right then to do what he usually did. Order him to man up before their Dad saw it. The image of his scarred up back was burnt into his memory however, and that was more than enough for him to give the kid some slack.

'Don't worry, I'll handle it.' Daryl's hand stayed right where it was while he ruffled his hair fondly. 'Don't ya worry one bit there, little brother.' Daryl rewarded him a brave little smile that brightened up the whole of his narrow face.

To himself, Merle muttered, not intending Daryl to hear he mumbled, 'Big brother's home. Everything's gonna be alright now.'

Daryl was too busy eavesdropping to every move their father made downstairs to take notice of his big brother's gloomy mood. He flinched when he heard the heavy keychain hit the kitchen counter, and did it again when he heard the distinct sound of a beer being popped open.

'Come on. Up to your room, get dressed and pack some stuff. We'll leave once the old man is out.' But whatever Merle had taken had started to wear off and he was now thinking more clearly about the consequences of his actions, such as those for breaking down the stupid bathroom door. Somebody would have to pay for a new one even if Merle fixed it himself, Daryl was right, Dad was going to go batshit-crazy. Now it was Merle's turn to feel worried when he entered his own room to do as he told Daryl to do. Gone was the drunken glaze in his eyes, almost as if he knew that he needed to sober up rapidly to be there for Daryl if things were to turn ugly with Dad which they no doubt would. Because he wasn't going to let him abuse his little brother again next time he was gone, not this time.

Merle grabbed some clothes and other stuff he couldn't do without for a few days and shoved them deep down in his black and white sports-bag. Once he was done, he took a deep breath and reminded himself that he had his own reasons to be angry and not just over a stupid door which could be replaced in any case. It was just a thing. But his 11-year old baby brother had been scarred-up for life thanks to that bastard getting too carried away with his belt. Thinking about the fresh scars on Daryl's back made him feel braver and gave him resolve to confront the coward if it came to that.

It was like he'd seen his back for the first time all over again tonight. The scars from before were not that noticeable – your eyes could slide over them if you weren't looking closely. But now anyone who saw his back would know what had happened to him. The kind of family he came from, his shame. He knew that Daryl was too young to understand but later he would, when he had to think twice every time he took his shirt off. When it was hot and he was working outside, hell, even when he went for a swim.

When he was grown and eventually went to bed with a woman and he had to explain them to her.

They were always going to be a part of him.