Chapter 19

About 20 minutes later they arrived at Liv's apartment.

"Do you want coffee, tea or hot chocolate?" Liv asked.

"Tea sounds good, thanks." Sarah said.

"I'll take the yummy cinnamon one. That's your favourite, right?"

Liv took out two teabags with a smile on her face. Elliot told her that Sarah didn't like tea before she tasted Liv's favourite one and now she wants it all the time.

"Yes, it is."

"Mine too. I saw that you have it in Dad's apartment too. I took one of the teabags, last time I was there. I hope that's fine."

"Of course it is. Take as much as you want." Liv put the two cups down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch next to Sarah with a pained look on her face.

"Are you okay?" Sarah asked with a worried expression.

"Sure. It just hurts a little." Liv said reassuringly. It hurt like hell, her whole body ached terribly but Liv wasn't the kind of person who told people that, she just acted like she was fine.

"What happened yesterday?"

"I told you, I had a small car accident but nothing serious." Liv said, trying to avoid the question. She didn't want to lie to Sarah but the truth wasn't an option either, right?

"Liv! Don't lie to me!"

"I am not lying! I just don't think it's necessary for you to know every detail. But I do understand your interest, so I'll tell you the facts.

There was this guy who wanted revenge because I arrested him a few years ago. We found out that he had plans with me, so we set a trap for him and I was the bait. He drove into my car from behind. I didn't expect him to do that at all, so I was surprised and my head crashed against the steering wheel. I was a bit dazed and he dragged me out of the car trying to kidnap me or something like that. But as I said, we planned all of it, so your dad and a lot of other cops came along and we arrested him."

Sarah looked at her with big eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Oh my god! Did he hurt you? Like, oh my god! I mean how could dad let you do this? He is your partner, he should protect you and … " she was interrupted by Olivia.

"Sarah, slow down. I am fine, I really am. The injuries will heal and stop blaming your dad, he blames himself enough." she stopped herself. This was nothing she should discuss with his daughter.

"He didn't like the plan from the beginning but everyone else did, so he couldn't do more than protect me the best way possible. Again, I am fine and the guy is under arrest, so everything is good."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to.. I don't know, it's just.. Well, I am used to worry about dad but you know he is a guy and kinda really strong, but now I realize that you are in the same danger he is in and it scares me a bit. But I know you can defend yourself, I mean you're like Wonder Woman, but I do forget sometimes that also heroes can get hurt."

"Stop it. I am not a hero. But come on, let's talk about something more fun, like what are you going to wear to the game?" she said smiling. Sarah started to laugh.

"You know how to distract people from a certain topic. But I don't care because I really wanna talk about my "kind of a date" with Lauren."

She started to talk about the different outfits she thought of and Liv drank her tea while listening to her. After a while she got hot and took off her scarf without thinking about her strangulation marks. Sarah stopped in the middle of the sentence and stared at Liv's neck.

"What the fuck!" Shit! Liv took the scarf and wrapped it around her neck. She knew it was too late now but it bought her some time.

"Liv, what the heck is this?" Sarah almost screamed.

"Well, to begin with it looks worse than it is but well these are strangulation marks."

"Oh my god. But you said.. He strangled you?" she said shocked.

"Honey, please stop looking at me like this. I am fine, I promise. It does look worse than it is."

"But they are so visible. I mean, this wasn't just... Well, he must have been really brutal and merciless. Wasn't it, like really scary?" her expression was so empathetic and honest, that it was hard for Liv to look at her.

"I knew I wasn't alone and as you said before, I can defend myself. I am fine, I swear!" Sarah nodded slowly.

"You are such a strong and amazing person, Olivia. I mean, you didn't even think about complaining or telling me to leave you alone. If I was in your position I wouldn't wanna hear about my life because I am talking about going on a date, well it isn't even a real one. You almost died yesterday and don't want me to worry. I mean, wow!" Liv blushed slightly.

"Sarah, you really have to stop putting me on a pedestal. I am not as amazing as you think I am. What kind of person would I be if I talked about my problems or job with you? And I do really like to hear about your date or not really date date and I like your company, a lot. So I am not as awesome as you think, I am just way more boring than you think." she said with a wink.

"No, you are not. I see the difference between you and mom. She is complaining about everything, the whole fucking day. And to be honest, she has never been strangled or attacked. Her problems are so ridiculous compared to yours."

"Stop! Don't say things like that. You never know how hard things are for another person. You don't know what it's like to be them, to live their lives. Your mom has to raise two kids, most of the time alone, and she is going through a div.." Liv stopped herself.

She couldn't say that she is going through a divorce because that's weird. She is El's new girlfriend and Sarah is his daughter and…

"She is going through a divorce. I know. But she was the one who wanted the divorce and she is the one who had a new guy, like five minutes after their separation." she looked down at her feet.

"Sarah, talk to me. You seem to be so mad at your mom. Did you talk to her about it?" Sarah raised her head and looked her in the eyes.

"Talk to her? That's impossible. She treats me like a baby, like I don't understand anything. She acts like I don't know what she is talking about. I lost him too, you know? I miss him too.

In the morning at the breakfast table. I miss his good night kisses, no matter if he came home early or in the middle of the night, I got my goodnight kiss.

Mom acts like she is the only one who's lost something, but she is not!"

Sarah saw Liv's expression and added, "I am really okay with it. That's life. And I get along with him way better than before because he is happier and less stressed and that's because he is with you and not mom. So don't worry, I like it way better as it is now but I still wanna be able to tell her that I miss him too and that I can understand her pain in some way. I just want her to see that she isn't the only one in the house who has to live with the changes.

At least she takes good care of Lola.

But I really don't get why she can see her struggle but not mine?"

Tears started to stream down her face. Liv moved closer and pulled her into a comforting hug.

After a while Liv said "You can always talk to me about anything, okay? But I would really recommend you to talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel. I am sure she will be there for you, if you tell her you need her. Maybe she isn't sure if you even wanna talk to her. Make the first move, honey."

"Thank you, Liv. Again. God, I am such a crybaby, it's horrible."

She wiped away the tears.

"I am really glad that dad finally got his shit together. I honestly don't know how I could live without you in my life. I mean, dad always had you in his life. That was his secret." Liv started to laugh.

"Sarah, you have to stop it. For real. It makes me feel really weird and uncomfortable."

"Well, you'll have to deal with it because that's how I feel about you." Liv shook her head smiling.

Suddenly her phone rang. It was Elliot.

"Hey." Liv answered.

"Hey. I am sorry to interrupt but the police commissioner just left Cragen's office and he wants us to get a confession and you are the only one Miller is willing to talk to."

"Okay. Does he want me to come back now?"

"The sooner this case is closed the better.- Cragen's words not mine. He seems to be pretty exhausted. He feels guilty and hates that you have to talk to Miller again."
"I know, but it was my plan, my decision and I already told him that I want to talk to him."

"Are you really okay with it?"

"I'll take Sarah home and then I'll come by."

"I can take the subway and the bus." Sarah said but Liv shook her head.

"Okay. Thank you." Elliot said before he hung up. He knew she wouldn't talk to him about it. Not before talking to Miller and not in front of Sarah but he still wanted to check on her.

"I am sorry Sarah but I have to take you home now. I know I just told you that I am always there for you and now I throw you out, although you need someone but I have to work. I am really sorry."
"Liv, don't worry. You have already helped me so much. Just promise me to be careful, okay?"

"I will be but I am only talking to him and he is handcuffed and we are at the precinct, so don't worry."

"Okay, good."

Liv texted El that she was on her way after she took Sarah home. And 40 minutes later she arrived at the precinct. The captain was already waiting for her arrival.

"Olivia, I am so sorry. About everything. I have already told the commissioner that I won't force you to talk to him and I mean it."

"There is no reason to be sorry for. I am totally okay with talking to him. Don't worry, captain."

"Okay. He is in room 2. Ready when you are."

"Thank you but I think it's best if I go in there alone. He will talk more freely when I am alone."

"Okay, but I'll watch through the glass."

"Sure." She turned around and walked over to the squad room.

"Hey Liv." El said. "What's your plan?"

"Hey. I think it's best if I go in alone."

"I know." he said, dissatisfied. "I told him about an hour ago that you will talk to him as soon as he has finished writing down his confession."

"Okay, thank you." she turned around and walked in the direction of the interrogation room. She took a few deep breaths and went inside.

"Detective. I've been waiting for you." Miller said with a creepy smile. She nodded in the lawyers direction to greet him and then she said, "Are you finished with your confession?"

"I see, no time for small talk." he smiled again, "I am, but my lawyer won't give it to you before you keep your part of our agreement."

"Fine, what do you want to talk about?" she said disinterestedly.

"Oh, there is so much I want to talk about."

"You have 10 minutes."

She sat down opposite of him.

"I see you're wearing a scarf." he said with a maniacal smile. She had to control herself not to pull the scarf tighter around her neck. That was what he wanted, a reaction and she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

So she just looked him straight in the eyes.

"Oh, I see. You're being a bitch again. Well, I can't say that I am surprised. So, you're back on the job so soon, huh? I have to say I am surprised to see you working again. I thought you would be too traumatised to talk to me so soon after everything that has happened."

God, he was such an arrogant asshole. Acting like he broke her, like he was the one who won. She waited for him to continue but he just stared at her.

"Are you going to start a conversation, Oscar? Or is this all that happens? You talking shit no one's interested in hearing." He tensed. She got him. She knew how to pull his strings. He hated it when she talked to him like that. With no respect, like he was a nobody. He jumped up and tried to grab her, but he was cuffed to the table so he fell back down on his seat.

Liv's heart pounded like crazy but she didn't let it show on the outside. She didn't even flinch when he jumped up.

"I told you not to call me that!" he screamed aggressively. Liv started to grin.

"Sorry Oscar, oh I mean Mr. Miller."

This made him even more aggressive. His lawyer walked a few steps away from him. But Liv stayed in her chair, she wouldn't move a millimeter, no matter what he would do. She wouldn't show him a sign of weakness or fear.

"You fucking bitch. Don't say it like that. Don't treat me like I am a nobody. I am the guy who overpowered you. I almost killed you. Your body is covered in bruises because of me. You are only here because you were afraid to face me alone, you had back up. Don't be so fucking self righteous. I could feel your fear. You were fucking scared and helpless in my arms. You will never forget how my arm felt around your neck, how you fought for air. I will never forget how it felt. I had you and knowing that you know it too and that it will haunt you forever is everything I could wish for.

Well, almost everything. I wish I could have fucked you. Fucked you so hard that no one would ever want you again, that you would never want anyone again. Ever.

God, it would have been so great. I wish I could have tasted you."

The way he licked his lips made her feel sick to her stomach and she knew he was right. She was scared and she knew he had control and without her back up, things probably would have ended differently. She could still feel his arm around her neck and the way she gasped for air in panic.

Suddenly the door behind her opened and captain Cragen entered.

"Time's up Miller."

Liv got up and left the room. She tried not to walk too fast but she wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Goodbye Olivia, I will dream of you." were the last words she heard from him before leaving the room. And a cold shiver ran down her spine.

"Liv?" Elliot said carefully, so he wouldn't startle her.

"I am fine. I just need a second." she said walking away.

He wanted to hug her so badly but he couldn't do that here in the middle of the precinct and she wouldn't be able to accept it now anyway.

"Olivia!" Cragen said.

She stopped and turned around. Elliot could see that she needed to get away from here immediately, she needed to be for herself for a few minutes.

""Captain?" she said trying to look like she was fine.

"God job. The commissioner will be happy that the case is closed. Thank you. It's over. You won't have to see or talk to him again." he said with a caring look.

"Thank you captain. I know."

She turned around again and walked to the elevator.

"Go check on her." the captain said to Elliot. There was nothing he wanted to do more but he knew she needed a few minutes for herself, so he said, "I'll give her a few minutes."

The captain nodded and disappeared in his office.