Chapter 20

Finally she could breathe again. Feeling the wind in her hair and on her face helped her calm down. The rooftop has always been her safe port. She went up there during tough cases or after them or just to clear her mind. She took a few deep breaths, feeling a bit better already.

After a few minutes she heard the door open behind her. She knew it was Elliot. The door closed again but he didn't move closer or said anything. He waited for her to tell him when she was ready to talk.

She motioned him to come closer. She could feel his proximity, so she leaned back against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She let out a deep breath, he made her feel better immediately.

"I'm sorry. I.. it was harder to hear what he had to say than I expected."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It was hard to listen to him for everyone and we weren't even in the room with him or have been attacked by him. You're so strong, Liv." he said, hugging her tighter. She let out a wince of pain.

"Oh my god, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

She turned to face him.

"I am fine, El. Don't worry. My ribs just hurt. Please hold me again."

He could hear the pleading in her voice and it was new to him, he didn't know her like this. She never let him see her vulnerable side. He put his arms around her again, this time he didn't squeeze her at all. But that didn't stop her from wrapping her arms around his chest and holding him tight.

After a few minutes of just standing there hugging each other, Liv moved away.

"I should get going. The others will wonder where you are and we don't want them to get suspicious." she said, turning towards the door.

"I am sure they will understand if we stay up here for a while. We are still partners and I would have been there for you, even if we weren't dating. Come back here."

"I am fine. I just need to get out of here, I guess." He walked towards her.

"Just don't shut me out, okay?" he whispered in her ear from behind.

She started to smile and turned around.

"I won't. I swear." she gave him a quick peck on the lips before they both left the roof with smiles on their faces.

On her way home she decided to do some grocery shopping, so Elliot couldn't make fun of her empty fridge anymore.

Her phone started to ring the moment she entered her apartment.

"Benson." she said without looking at the caller ID.

"Uh.. hey, Liv. Am I disturbing you?" Sarah asked insecurely.

"No, of course not. Sorry. Uh, shit! Okay, give me a second."

Liv put the phone down on the kitchen counter. She had just dropped half of her groceries. She put down the rest of the groceries and picked up the other half from the ground to put it on the counter suppressing a moan because bending down wasn't really fun with her bruised body.

"So, I am back. Sorry, I have just dropped half of my groceries. I am all yours now."

"Oh sorry. That was my fault."

"Don't be silly, I thought I could take the call while carrying two bags full of groceries. Obviously I couldn't." Liv said laughing.

"So what's up sweetie?"

"I just, well.. I was wondering how work was? But I do totally understand if you don't want to talk about it. I just thought it had to be hard to face him again, I mean he did attack you, although you arrested him in the end. I .. forget it, that's none of my business."

"Okay. Slow down. Sure you can ask. Don't be afraid to ask me things. I will tell you if I don't want to answer, okay?"

"Okay."

"So, about how it was talking to him. Let's just say I am glad that it's over. He is a very sick man."

"You're such a strong person. I really don't know how you do it."

"Didn't I tell you to stop putting me on a pedestal. I'm just doing my job. But let's not talk about me or my job anymore.

Have you decided on what to wear on saturday?"

"Oh my god. I totally wanted to talk to you about it." Liv started to laugh.

"Well, go ahead."

"You can totally say no, okay?"

"Well, it would be nice to know what you're talking about." Liv said laughing.

"Oh yeah sorry, well mom isn't home for another 3 to 4 hours so I wondered if you would want to come by to help me pick out an outfit. You know because you aren't working today. Well, not anymore at least."

Liv smiled to herself. Sarah was always talking too much. Even more when she was nervous or insecure about something.

"You sure she won't come home sooner?" She really didn't want to risk Kathy seeing her in her house with her daughter, looking for an outfit for a date she didn't know anything about, with a girl she didn't even know her daughter liked.

She would get so mad and dislike Liv even more if that was even possible.

"I am. She works til 5 and has to pick up Lola before coming home. And I am sure we won't need 3 hours to pick out an outfit."

"Oh god. I hope not." Liv said laughing. "Okay. I have to put away my groceries but then I'll come straight to you. Do you need me to bring anything?"

"Oh my god. You're really coming. Yey! Um, maybe the jacket you borrowed me on our holiday. Do you remember? But only if you are okay with me borrowing it, you can totally say no."

"Yes, I remember. I'll bring it with me. See you in a bit."

"Cool! See you." Sarah said happily.

2 hours later Liv was standing in Sarah's room.

Sarah had tried on about 20 different looks but nothing seemed to be good enough for her.

"How about this pair of shorts, with this shirt and my jacket?" Liv asked.

"Let me try it on." Sarah said.

A few minutes later she reentered the room.

"Liv, I think that's it. Your jacket makes me look so cool. Are you really fine with me borrowing it? I swear I'll be really careful." Liv smiled at her.

"Don't worry. I am just glad we finally found an outfit. You look beautiful. Lauren will be speechless."

"You think?" Liv walked behind her and looked at her through the mirror.

"Positive."

Sarah smiled at her brightly. Then she turned around and hugged her. It was a little bit too stormy for Liv's bruised ribs. She gave a wince of pain.

"Oh my god, Liv. Sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"Don't worry. I am fine. We just have to hug a little bit less enthusiastically for a while." she said smiling.

Sarah looked at her worriedly.

"Don't look at me like that. I really am fine. Just a few bruises that need to heal."

Sarah still looked at her awfully worried. "Please stop worrying about me. I am fine and my body will be too soon."

"Okay. I just remembered the strangulation marks on your neck and if the rest of your body looks like that you have to be in an awful amount of pain and you still came over to help me with my dumb outfit. I hope you know that you are amazing."

Liv blushed.

"Thank you, but didn't we talk about you saying stuff like this. It really makes me feel weird." Sarah started to laugh.

"We did talk about it but I told you, that you have to learn to accept your awesomeness."

They both started to laugh.

"It was really nice spending time with you sweetie but I better get going. I really shouldn't be here when your mom gets home."

"Thank you so much, Liv. You have really helped me a lot."

"You're so very welcome."

They said their goodbyes and Sarah hugged her again. This time really carefully. "I want a real hug." Liv said laughing. Sarah laughed too and hugged her a bit tighter. "Bye Liv. Thanks again."

"You're welcome. Bye."

After Liv came back home she felt really exhausted and her whole body ached, so she decided to lay down on her sofa for a while. She didn't plan to fall asleep but a few hours later she was woken by the ringing of her phone. She got up and realized that it was almost 8pm.

Shit, she totally fell asleep.

"Benson." she said sleepily.

"Oh no. Did I wake you?" he asked guiltily. She looked at her door. She was sure she could hear him through it.

"Are you in front of my door?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, I am actually. I wasn't sure if it was okay to use my emergency key to get inside but you didn't react when I rang your doorbell so I let myself in but then I felt weird so I called you." She laughed and opened the door.

"Of course you could've let yourself in. I told you to come by after work."

"I still feel better if you tell me to come in." She made a welcoming gesture and said, "Please, come inside." He grinned and walked past her.

"So any news on Miller?"

"He was transferred to rikers, shortly after you've left. He is out of our lives for good." he said while moving closer.

"You wanna go back to sleep? You have to be exhausted, the last 2 days have been pretty eventful."

She hugged him and snuggled her head against his chest.

"No, I slept for a while after visiting Sarah. I am good."

"You saw Sarah again?" he asked, surprisedly.

"Yes, she called me as soon as I entered my apartment and asked me if I could come to see her. She needed some help choosing an outfit for her school's game on saturday."

"You know it's okay to say no to her, right? After everything you had to go through today, you didn't have to do that."

"I know, El. Don't worry. I was glad for the distraction. And I love spending time with her." She moved away from him.

"Look inside my fridge, I did some shopping after leaving the precinct today."

She opened the fridge door proudly. He started to smile and kissed her cheek.

"So, no take out today?"

"Well, I still have some leftovers from yesterday."

Both of them were hungry so they heated up the leftovers and ate. After they were finished Elliot asked, "Do you mind me taking a shower?"

"Of course not. Go ahead, you know where everything is. I'll take care of our dishes."

"You sure?" he saw the look on her face and put his hands in the air.

"It was just a question, relax."

She smiled at him and said, "Go take your shower."

He grinned and went to her bathroom. A few minutes later she heard the water and decided that she needed a shower too. She got undressed and stepped into the shower.

"Well, hello there." Elliot said grinning when he felt her arms around his torso.

"I need a shower too, so I thought we could save some water. Saving the planet, you know." He started to laugh. She let go of his torso and he turned around.

She could see the shock and guilt on his face.

"Oh my god, Liv." he said whispering.

She knew her body looked bad. She had bruises all over it but she really didn't want to make more out of it than it was.

"El, it's fine. Just some bruises. They will heal." she said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Tell me what really happened. Nobody looks like this after a few kicks. He has beaten the shit out of you, because I wasn't there to protect you." he looked down at his feet.

"El, look at me. None of this is your fault. You hear me? None! Yes, he hurt me but I am fine. Can you just believe me, please."

She cupped his face gently with both her hands. She could see the hurt and guilt all over it.

"I am fine. I am alive because you came to help me. We all knew this could happen, we were prepared and we have arrested him. He won't be able to hurt anyone anymore. Because of us. I'll take the beating again in a heartbeat if that means a man like him will be put away. That's a small price to pay." His eyes grew wide and he moved away from her touch.

"A small price to pay? Are you serious? He almost choked the life out of you. Look at you! To arrest someone isn't worth anything if you look like this afterwards."

"That's my job. I don't know what you want from me? If you can't handle this I don't .." she stopped herself, knowing that she was way too emotionally charged for this talk right now. She grabbed a towel and left the shower.

"Liv! What does that mean?"

She ignored him and left the bathroom. "Liv!" he shouted once again. He washed off the shower gel from his body so he could go talk to her.

Liv sat down on her bed. She knew he would enter the room any minute, but she wasn't sure what would happen if they talked about this now.

He was worried about her and she couldn't handle it. She could take care of herself. That's what she has done all her life.

"Liv?" he said carefully while entering the room. "Can we please talk about this?"

"El, I can't deal with you telling me what I can handle and what I can not. I am a cop first! It's my life and I live it how I want."

He looked at her surprised and hurt.

"So what am I to you? A bystander? Am I not allowed to say anything? I just have to watch you getting beaten up and I am not allowed to say anything? To worry about you?"

"That's what I am talking about! Since we are together all you do is take care of me and worry about me. I don't want to be such a burden. You weren't worried that much when we were just partners. Maybe it would be better if.." she was interrupted by Elliot.

"What? If we break up?" he shouted.

"It isn't only about you. Sarah worries about me too. She saw my strangulation marks, I'm sorry. I didn't want her to see them but well she did and I could see the horror in her eyes. I.. I am not good for you. All of you…" He kneeled down in front of her and took her hand in his. He could see the tears in her eyes.

"Look at me." he whispered. She looked up slowly. "It's too late for this talk."

She looked at him confused.

"You wanna know why?" she just looked at him with her big brown eyes and nodded slightly.

"Because I love you, Liv." Her eyes got even bigger.

"I am helplessly in love with you, so please don't run. Let me love you." he said almost begging. A single tear ran down her face.

"I love you too." she said almost inaudibly.

She was at least as surprised as he was about her confession.

Elliot started to smile and kissed her hands which he was still holding.

"You do?" he asked smiling.

She started to smile too and then she kissed him. The kiss was filled with love and affection. After a while they broke apart, both just staring in each other's eyes, breathing heavily.

"You don't know how happy you make me. All the worrying isn't a burden, it shows me that I have someone I care about deeply. It shows me that I love." he said while caressing her cheek.

Liv just hugged him and hid her face in his neck, breathing him in.

They sat like this for a while until Elliot realized that she had fallen asleep. He smiled and picked her up, careful not to hurt her. He lay her down on her bed.

She woke up and mumbled, "Lay with me." His smile grew even wider and he lay down next to her happily. She cuddled up against his chest immediately. Elliot couldn't be happier right now. He lay in bed with the love of his life cuddled up against him after telling him that she loved him. He couldn't believe that she really said it.

She was talking about breaking up and he was so scared of losing her, so he put away all his fear of pushing her too much or scaring her away that he just told her that he loved her and she said it back.

Olivia Benson told him that she loved him.

He fell asleep with the biggest smile on his face.