Chapter 22

About 30 minutes later...
"Good morning. I have coffee and breakfast." he said, kissing her cheek. "And I am confused. Tell me what's going on!"

Liv looked at him ashamed and uneasy. He took her by the hand and led her to the sofa. They sat down and he looked at her encouragingly. She couldn't help but smile a bit. He came to see her at 6 in the morning to talk about her dream.
"I am embarrassed, freaking out like a crazy woman because of a fucking dream. That's so dumb."
He took her hand in his and said,
"Liv, you don't have to be embarrassed in front of me. No matter what your dream was about, just tell me."

She looked down at their hands and said, "Okay. I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to watch tv for a while. I fell asleep on the sofa and had this dream.

God, this is really weird.

In the dream Kathy stood in my apartment and screamed at me. She was out of control... and… well she said a lot of bad things but well I know what she thinks of me so it wasn't new for me but she said some things that made me think."
El looked at her apologetically. He caressed the back of her hand gently.
"I know it was just a dream and doesn't mean anything but I do have a question."
"Go ahead. I'll tell you what you want if it helps." he said caringly.
"Do you remember the one time we had a fight and you said that you are the longest relationship with a man I ever had?"
He shook his head ashamed.
"Of course I remember. I was an ass."
"No, you were right but did you ever talk about it with Kathy?"
He looked at her surprised.
"No. I never talked to her about you and me in that way. There was you and me and her and me."
"So you also didn't tell her about my dad or my relationship with my mom?"
"No. Never! Liv, I would never betray your trust like this. You know that, right?"
"I do. I'm sorry. It was a fucking dream. I shouldn't take it that seriously."
"I would like to know what she said to you in your dream. Will you tell me?"
"It's not that interesting. Just things like, I slept with her husband and stuff like that."
"Tell me what you remember. I want to understand, okay?"
"It was just a dumb dream but fine, I want to get this over with, it's so uncomfortable.

Just remember, none of this really happened, it's all just in my crazy head. I'll try to say it like she said it.

'What is your fucking problem? Running around fucking other womens husbands. You don't care if you are hurting people. You stole my kids father, my husband... then there was the part with the longest relationship with a man. She was like, you are her longest relationship and she is yours. That you have kids together and well no matter how good of a fuck I am, you will never put me first. If she asks you to decide between seeing them or being with me, you will leave me without a look back.

Then there were some insults, not important what she said exactly.

Then she said something about you will go back to your family and I will be alone again because I couldn't make anyone love me enough to marry me.'

And again some insults and stuff... "

Liv wasn't able to look him in the eyes. It was her dream so it was what she thought or felt deep inside. She felt vulnerable and insecure and she hated it.
"I don't know what to say. I feel like I need to apologize." Liv interrupted him.
"You don't have to say anything, it was a dream, my dream and what are you even sorry for?"
"I am sorry for letting her talk to you the way she did on our holiday, for giving you the feeling that you are the other woman, or for not telling you how important you are to me.

I want to say sorry for everything.

This dream doesn't come from nowhere and although it "only" happened in your dream, you had to go through it and I am sorry for that."

She squeezed his arm to reassure him that she was fine and that there was nothing he had to be sorry for.

"Why did you ask me if I told her about your father? You didn't mention something like this!"
"Just let it go, El. It was a dream and nothing really happened."
"Tell me what she said, please!"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Fine. Dream Kathy said, 'Normally I would think that you are a poor thing but who could love a person like you?

Your father is a fucking rapist and even your mother hated you.'

That's all. Now you know everything she said in my dream."

Liv said slightly angry, more at herself than at him.

This was fucking embarrassing. She got up to pick up her coffee and sat down a bit farther from El than before.

She could feel his pitiful look. She knew he felt sorry for her but she didn't want him to look at her like that. She was fine. It was a fucking dream. She couldn't control what she dreamed.

"Stop looking at me like that. I know what my father did and I have learned to accept it. I also know how my mom felt about me and I have accepted it too, so stop looking at me like I am this poor little human who doesn't love herself because of her past. I am fine. I know who I am and I am okay with it. I wanted to talk to you because of one thing "dream Kathy" said.

The part with the kids.

That you will never put me first and if she makes you decide between your family and me, you will leave ..." she was interrupted by Elliot.
"I will leave you without looking back. I know what this bitch said. It's not.."

Now Liv interrupted him.
"Let me finish. This part made me think because that's something she would do and I can't ... well, we can't let this happen. They need to be able to see you.

Maybe she doesn't need to know that we are together yet. It wouldn't be good for the kids. Sarah would be so mad if her mom wouldn't let her see you."
"Liv! Look at me." he said while moving closer.
"I would never leave you because Kathy wants me to. She can't withhold the kids from me. I am their father. But most important for me is that you realize, I would never leave you."

"I know you wouldn't do that but Kathy still could make your life hell. I just couldn't live with the knowledge that I am the reason why you have problems with seeing your kids. And I am afraid that Kathy doesn't allow me to see them anymore, especially Sarah. We grew so close."

El looked at her admiringly.

"You don't even know how amazing you are my love." Liv smiled at him.

He called her "my love". She kissed him lovingly.

After the kiss she realized that it was time for him to go or he would be late for work. So they said goodbye and he promised her to call her after the talk with Kathy.

A few hours later Elliot met with Kathy. He was a bit nervous. Liv's dream made him realize that this could make everything pretty complicated. Everyone knew how Kathy felt about Liv.

"Hey. How are you?" he asked politely.

"Hi. Fine, thanks. You?"

"Good. Thank you. So, what did you want to talk about?"

"My mom's birthday is on tuesday and I wanted to ask you if it is okay for you if the kids and I go visit her tomorrow.

Sarah's learning group is meeting up on tuesday, so we can't visit her then.

You could have the kids next weekend, the whole weekend."
"Sure. The whole weekend sounds fair." he said with a wink.

She smiled and thanked him.

"I wanted to tell you something too." he said carefully.

"Okay." she said not really sure what he was about to tell her.

"Well, I am in a relationship…" he couldn't continue because Kathy interrupted him.

"Wow, okay! Well, I shouldn't be surprised, but I kinda am."

"It's Liv." he said cautiously.

She smiled sneeringly while shaking her head slowly.

"Of course it's her. That's all she ever wanted. It was clear to me that sooner or later she will collar you. I just knew it!

And surprise, surprise, she didn't even wait until we were divorced."

"Okay. Stop right there! You will not talk like this about or to her. She didn't do anything wrong. I have never talked like this about Kurt, although you two started to date like 2 weeks after our separation.

I was glad that you found someone who made you happy, because I obviously couldn't. I wish you could feel the same way about Olivia and me.

I know it's different and I know it's hard for you but I wish you could at least try to accept it, without saying stuff like this.

We have kids and this is not the behaviour we want to teach them. We teach them respect. You don't have to like her or for god's sake be her friend but I think giving her the same respect you give every other human being in this world isn't too much to ask for.

She is a very important part of my life, now more than ever and you are too, so we have to get along somehow."

"Are you serious? A very important part of your life? How long have you been seeing each other?

Are you even in a real relationship or is it just a 'friends with benefits' thing?

I mean, I get it. She is this slutty kind of attractive and fresh meat but come on, she isn't wife material.

Go have fun and talk to me again when you've enjoyed your single life and are ready for something real again."

Elliot shook his head. He couldn't believe it. She was so embittered.

"Kathy, this is real. I don't need to enjoy my single life or whatever you are talking about because I am with her. It is as serious as it can get. I am with her since the holiday. I am sorry that you feel like this but it is real."

"Oh my god. I knew she fucked you there. She lied to my face. This fucking bitch!"

"What the fuck happened to you? How did you get that vicious? Stop talking about her like that! And she didn't lie to you.

It happened after you asked her."

"What the fuck happened with me? You left!

Now I am alone with the kids. I have to go to work, run a household and take care of OUR two kids. Do you think that is easy?"
"You wanted it like that! I suggested taking the kids, or doing it together, but you wanted them to live with you. I got one fucking day! And I didn't just leave. We both decided that it's best for me to move out because our marriage was over.

I am not saying it isn't my fault at all, I would even say it's mostly my fault because of my job but it's not my fault alone.

It always takes two. It didn't work and we promised each other that we wouldn't make it harder than it already is.

So please, keep your promise and let me live my life the way I want."

Kathy looked down at her hands. She was surprised how civilized he talked to her. Normally he was loud and angry when they fought. But now he was calm. Still certain but calm.

She didn't want to talk about their divorce anymore. It still hurt too much.

"Is she with you and the kids sundays?"

"No, she is not. But they know about us." he said, ignoring the fact that she has changed the topic because he knew it wouldn't help if he did say something.

"What? You told them before you talked to me? How dare you?"

"Calm down. We didn't say anything. They found out themselves and they don't have a problem with her, actually they like her a lot."

"Sure. She is everybody's fucking darling. This makes me sick! I don't wanna talk about her anymore. She will be gone soon anyways."

"I love her." he said calmly. This was too much for her. She looked at him with huge eyes and stood up.

"You should go now!" she said breathing heavily.

"Kath, please. We need to talk about it."

"Elliot, go!"

Right at this moment Kathy saw Sarah.

She was standing in the doorframe, watching them.

"Sarah sweetie, what are you doing here? I thought you wouldn't be home before 2pm. How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough!" Sarah said angrily.

Kathy looked at Elliot furiously.

"Hey honey." El said friendly while approaching Sarah. "Good to see you, you look great."

"Thanks, dad." she said while hugging him. Kathy stood there speechless with a red face. She was more than angry.

"I told you to go!" she said loudly.

"What the heck, mom? I only see him once a week and you won't even let me hug him? You aren't the only one missing him in this house!" Sarah shouted.

Elliot tried to calm her down by touching her arm gently but she shook him off.

"Don't you see it? Did you even try to see it or are you just wallowing in self- pity? He is happy. SHE makes him happy. I know it hurts. I really do, because we were never able to make him this happy but that doesn't mean he doesn't love us. All he did his whole life was, trying to make it work. He tried to be a good husband, a good dad and a good cop.

But that's not possible. You can't be good at everything and much less if you aren't with the right person.

He loved you, I know he did, but sometimes love isn't enough.

He was so unhappy for such a long time but he didn't betray you or leave us without saying anything. No, he fought.

But you guys finally realized that it wasn't worth it anymore.

Sure, it's hard, really hard, but look at him now! The deep furrow between his eyes is gone and he just looks so happy all the time.

When was the last time you have seen him this happy and free?

He is like this because of HER.

SHE makes him happy again, mom!

She is such a wonderful and special person but you are too jealous and hurt to see it.

I love you but you make me go crazy nowadays. I didn't understand why you are like this and why you can't see that I am suffering too. And guess what, Liv was the one who helped me understand. She said that I have to try to see it from your perspective, she said that being in your position is difficult and no one knows what you really feel like and that I have to tell you what I need because maybe you have too much on your mind to see it yourself.

Mom, she isn't the enemy. She doesn't take anything from us. Quite the opposite actually. She gives so much.

So please, try to accept the fact that she is with dad and in our lives. I am sure she will accept your rules, whatever they are, because she is a good person, mom. She really is."

Elliot stood there next to his daughter with tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe it. Such kind and wise words from his teenage daughter. He was so touched by the way she talked about Olivia and he was fucking proud of his wise and way too adult daughter.

He hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear, "You are amazing. I am so proud of you." Sarah smiled proudly.

Kathy walked past them and left the room.

"I wished she could see it too." Sarah whispered.

"Give her time." Elliot said while kissing her head.

On the way to his car he called Liv.

"Hey. How was it?" she asked nervously.

"Well, I think crazy would describe it perfectly. I'll tell you more later but let me say this, it ended with Sarah, praising you like you are the paragon of perfection and Kathy leaving the room. I should've filmed it."

"... I .. what?! Sarah was there too?" Liv asked, confused.

"I don't know if she was there the whole time but she definitely was in the end. I really don't know what to think now. I am so amazed by Sarah and disappointed in Kathy.

I'll tell you more later, I have to go back to the precinct for a few hours."

"Okay. Bye." she said, still more than confused.

Liv couldn't really get it off her mind all day. All she could think about was Elliot's talk with Kathy. She didn't know what to think about Sarah being involved because she never wanted to cause his kids any problems. A divorce was hard enough, they didn't need more fighting and worries.

"Hey. How are you?" he asked while kissing her cheek.
"Honestly, I don't really know. I need you to tell me the whole conversation. It makes me go crazy not to know anything."

He touched her arm calmingly.
"I don't know if you will feel better afterwards but I will tell you everything."
They sat down on the couch.
"To be honest, Kathy didn't react the way I hoped. She wasn't as bad as in your dream but I can't say she didn't remind me of "dream Kathy". A lot, actually."
"El, I..." she stopped, because she didn't really know what to say. He looked at her and saw the pain in her eyes, the guilt.

He couldn't stand seeing her like this.
"Liv, none of this is your fault. You know that, right? You should have heard Sarah." he said, smiling brightly.

"She talked about you like you are an angel sent from heaven. She adores you so much."
Liv smiled at him but he could still see worry and guilt.
"I do love her too. A lot. And it makes me happy that she thinks of me so highly but I shouldn't be the reason that you all are fighting."

"Not you are the problem, Kathy is." he said while tucking a lonely strand of hair behind her ear. She let out a heavy breath.

He knew she still thought she was at least causing problems.

"Let me hug you." he whispered while pulling her closer carefully. She snuggled up against his chest. Feeling a little bit better immediately.

Elliot could feel her relax a bit.

Their love was worth it all. All the fighting and secretiveness.