Chapter 34
Liv took a cab and about 25 minutes later she was in front of El's apartment taking in a few deep breaths.
She felt awful and crazy nervous.
Will he be mad? He had every right to be.
She opened the door, careful not to make a noise. The apartment was dark. She went into the bathroom and got ready for bed as quietly as possible. Then she opened the bedroom door. It was dark but she could see his outlines. His chest was lifting and lowering evenly. So he was asleep.
It was weird. She wasn't sure if he wanted her in bed with him after she left for hours and not picking up her phone when he called.
But she also didn't want him to think that she didn't want to sleep next to him, when he woke up with her not lying next to him.
He would think she didn't want to be close to him.
So she risked being kicked out and crawled into bed next to him. Her proximity woke him. He turned around and looked at her. She couldn't see the look on his face because it was too dark, so she didn't know how he felt and if he was mad at her.
"I thought you wouldn't come back." he whispered and gently touched her cheek.
"I am so sorry. My behaviour was.. I was an asshole. I am really sorry." she said, hiding her face in shame. He tried to move closer to hug her but she pushed him away gently.
"Don't be like that. Please, I don't deserve it." she said with tears in her eyes.
"Liv, it was my fault. I knew you could react like this. I kinda expected you to react like this, but a small piece inside of me said, "What if she won't flip out. What if she just wasn't ready before because she wasn't with you? What if she was only waiting for you? So I put my worries away and asked you, although I knew better. I am sorry. I put so much pressure on you.
What was I thinking? That showing you an apartment for the two of us would make things easier? I really don't know what I thought but now I know that I put even more pressure on you. I totally blindsided you. I am so sorry."
Now Liv couldn't help herself anymore and tears started to stream down her face. She was so moved by his words. He thought so much about it, about her. He knew her like no one else. He had hoped that he would be the one, the one who she was able to take the next step with. He was just amazing. And this made her feel even worse.
Elliot pulled her closer, she tried to stop him but he didn't let go of her.
"No, Elliot. I don't deserve it. Really. You shouldn't be comforting me."
"I love you. Of course I comfort you when you are crying." he said while kissing her head.
"But you shouldn't! I don't deserve it." she said desperately.
"Liv, did you hear me?" he took her face in both of his hands to make her look at him.
"I love you. You. Everything about you."
"You being so nice to me makes it even harder. You should be mad. Like really mad. You did something almost every woman would love you for and my reaction was running away and leaving you in suspense for hours." She shook her head guiltily.
"Well, I don't want every other woman.
I want you, and if you don't want to live with me it's okay. But please talk to me. Tell me what bothers you. I don't wanna lose you." She closed her eyes and moved away from him.
"I am.. Well, I am not sure that I can give you what you want. You deserve someone who isn't an emotional cripple.
I have lived almost my whole life alone. I have never needed anyone and always ran as soon as a relationship got too serious. I love you and things got more serious between us than with anyone else but I.. I don't want you to wake up one day realizing that this isn't enough for you. That you want more.
I am trying, I really am but I don't know if I can give you what you want, what you need."
"But what I want and need is you. You make me happy. And I really don't need more."
"Elliot, you said that you knew how I am, but you still hoped you would be the one. The one with whom I am able to go further than I ever did. This tells me that you actually want more. That you want me to be someone I am not. And don't get me wrong. I don't think that it's bad that you want that. Not at all. Because in a relationship people have to change and they have to surpass themselves but I am not sure if I am able to do that. You know what it's like to have a family, I don't.
My family was a drunk mother who hated me for what I represented most of the time. All I had was myself. What if I lose the ability to be on my own?
People leave, right? What if I depend on you too much and then you leave and I can't handle being alone anymore?"
"I didn't mean it like that. Sure, a part of me has hoped that I was the one, the one you were looking for, the one who made you realize that love and closeness were good and that you won't lose yourself if you decide to open up to someone else, but if it's not like that, then I am totally okay with it. I don't want you to change. I just want you to grow and to experience this kind of love, this kind of closeness.
And I totally understand that you are afraid and that you don't know how to do it. That's okay. I am so sorry for the way you grew up. I wished we had known back then. You deserved to be loved, to be cared for." he grabbed her hand.
"How can you even think of me leaving? Why? Why should I leave the best thing that ever happened to me? You are the most amazing woman I know." he looked her deep in the eyes.
"You are one of the strongest human beings I know. You will never be the one depending on me. If something will ever happen and things will fall apart, let me be clear, I don't think that it will happen, but if it does, then you won't be the emotional wreck of the two of us. I'll be. You've been through too much to let this tear you down. Believe me."
She rubbed her temples. Everything was so overwhelming and exhausting. He was so amazing and sensitive.
"Let's sleep now. We can talk about it tomorrow. Or never again if you don't want to." he said caringly.
"Okay, I am so exhausted." she lay down on her side of the bed, not on his chest as normally.
"I am sorry, Elliot. You are so amazing and I am so difficult."
He moved closer and opened his arms.
"Come here. I need you close."
She looked at him surprised and did as he wanted. She snuggled up against his warm, muscular chest and breathed in his scent. He made her feel safe and loved, like no one ever could before. She opened her mouth to say something but he told her to stop thinking and to try to sleep.
She nestled in closer and fell asleep after a few minutes.
She woke up early the next day. Elliot was still asleep. She looked at him and her whole body was telling her that she loved him. There were still butterflies in her stomach when she looked at him. He made her feel loved and safe, so what was her problem?
Suddenly he searched for her in his sleep. When he found her with his arm, he pulled her closer, so close that she almost lay on top of him. This made her realize that she never wanted to wake up without him again, she never wanted to live in an apartment where he wasn't. She wanted him. And she wanted him now.
"Elliot!" she whispered. He didn't react, so she kissed him. He woke up with a smile.
"Good morning. What was that for?" he asked smiling.
"I want to move into the apartment with you." He looked at her surprised.
"Am I really awake, or is this a dream?"
"I don't wanna wake up without you next to me. I want this and I know I can trust you. You are the one. You are the one who makes me go further than ever before. You were right." she said beaming with joy.
He looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.
"Best morning ever."
She was so relieved, it felt like a huge burden was lifted from her shoulders. She felt free and happy.
She crawled on top of him and started to kiss him.
"I think we should celebrate. Don't you think?" He looked at her elatedly.
Later they were both sitting at the kitchen table with coffees in their hands.
"El, I think we have to tell the captain. I know he could separate us as partners but if he finds out any other way he will separate us without a doubt and he will be pretty disappointed in us too."
"I know, you are right, but I don't want a new partner. I love working with you." She smiled.
"Let's do it today. If we go now, the precinct won't be too full of people and the captain will have time for us." He nodded.
