Chapter 43: Reward
Oh no, what's going to happen? Will Merle get any closer to finding out what's going on? If he does, what will he do?
Trigger warnings apply, please don't read if you may be triggered by the dark themes in this story.
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Daryl
Dad came in as soon as my brother left and grasped my chin gently for once. 'It's okay, son. No worries.'
I tore myself away from him. 'Don't fuckin' touch me,' I hissed at him. He dropped his hand but even so, I was starting to tremble with fear and my heart was beating double-time in my chest. He didn't get angry though and I searched his eyes for clues about what he was going to do to me.
But there were none.
'I really thought that you told him. And that his way of not understandin' your subtle little hints was 'cos he didn't believe ya. He can't, ya see.'
His words implied an unspoken threat, obviously he didn't like the way I tried to reach out to my brother. But the weird thing was he didn't even seem angry.
He confirmed this, 'I'll let you have that one. Must be frustrating. When he's so close to seein' what's goin' on right under his nose.'
I was unable to hide the disappointment on my face as he tilted it up to his. 'Don't look so sad, that's jus' Merle.' He crooned at me. 'Never sees shit he don't wanna see.'
'He'll realise what you're doing eventually,' I snarled at him and tried stand, but my idiot legs failed me.
'Don't get up. You could faint, wouldn't want that now, would we?' I couldn't read his facial expression, but I knew that if I did collapse, I would be completely helpless and at his mercy.
If I wasn't already.
Reluctantly, I sank back down without a word.
'Well, what ya waitin' for son? Turn on the tap and let's get more hot water. It's gettin' a little cold, don't ya think?'
'Wha...what?... I wanna go to bed.'
He gave me an exasperated look as he started to strip. Not keeping his boxers on like me and Merle did.I turned away.
Of course not. My chest started to hitch in panic and when I couldn't move, he turned on the tap instead. I tried not to look at him as he got in the bath behind me.
Pulled me back close to him while his fingers gently curled in my hair.
'N...No. Stop.' He didn't listen, it hurt to talk but even so my voice grew louder in my rising panic, 'Merle, get your ass back in here!'
'Sh...Sh... boy. Daddy ain't gonna hurt ya.' He cooed in my ear while I shuddered. That voice saying those exact same words over and in that same fucking tone I hated so much – I would hear it in my head for years afterwards.
It was the voice he reserved for us and us alone.
'Come on, get these off, son.' He grabbed hold of my boxers and started to pull them off under the water. More gently than usual when he stripped me naked.
'No, don't fuckin' touch me there...' I cried and resisted as best as I could to keep him from taking them off me but my injuries and the pain that had returned after Merle's massage with the sponge made it difficult. I cursed the pills for taking so long.
'Ya can't get really clean if ya still got these on, ya dirty boy.' He tutted, finally yanking them off with a grunt.
'No need to pretend to be shy, I know ya were jus' actin' cute in front of ya big brother. No need now - not when it's jus' the two of us.'
I shuddered and turned away from him.
My limbs were starting to feel heavy and they were difficult to move but the throbbing pain all over my body was finally receding. I found I didn't have the strength to resist even when I felt his fucking dick pressing into the small of my back. It seemed like the 'painkillers' were some rapidly working potent shit after all and my usual feelings of panic and terror slowly faded at the same time as the pain did. I even felt relaxed in the bastard's arms as he drew me back slowly by the shoulders so that I was lying against his chest. He sighed and gently sponged my injuries with the soothing, warm, foamy bathwater. I smelled that fragrance again – like a distant memory – pineapple and mint.
'Ya made Daddy really proud tonight, Daryl. Did Merle really say ya went to get help and ya fought back even though there were a lot more of them than you and Merle?'
'Mmm...yeah, Dad. That's what happened.' I replied dreamily.
'And everyone you got to help ran away, but ya didn't?'
'Yeah, Dad.' I murmured and nodded eagerly. Wondering vaguely why I still craved his approval even after all the shit he'd done to me.
'Everyone saw? The Cartiers, the Malecks too?' His voice rose in excitement.
'Yes, Dad. They were there too.'
'Stood ya ground like a true Dixon. I was worried that ya weren't one of us...kissin' that friend of yours and those rumours about that teacher. But now ya proved ya worth.' He kissed my cheek. 'My brave, sweet boy.' He murmured happily into my ear as he started to brush back the damp strands of hair from off my face.
I said nothing, forgot to resist even as he leaned down to plant soft kisses down my throat and on the back of my neck. I merely shuddered in revulsion but simply didn't have the strength to fight him.
'My special, beautiful baby boy.' He whispered, holding me with one arm while the other hand continued to stroke my hair. Like he used to when I was very little before Mama died and the drinking and the drugs. 'Don't tell ya brother this, but I always loved ya best.' He whispered confidentially into my ear. 'Why else would I do it to ya? 'Cos I love ya so fuckin' much, that's why.'
I shivered despite the hot water.
He pecked me on the lips then but didn't force his tongue inside my mouth like he did sometimes. I drew back but simply didn't have the strength to fight him off – all my limbs had turned to jelly.
However, despite the pain in my heart at his words that I felt on behalf of my brother, I was being lulled by our father's voice. Along with the pills and the warm, scented water that worked better than any sleeping pill. I knew how dangerous that was. I was barely able to process what he was saying, time seemed to flash back and forwards – I was 5 again and Dad was in the tub holding me like this, washing me. Back to the near present, when I was 16 again and he was hurting me in the same tub. I winced as I remembered the burning sensation of his fingers scissoring me deep inside where he'd already hurt me for the first time that day. The physical memory of the pain automatically woke me up and along with it, the fear that this is what he planned to do again now. So, I struggled against him, desperately trying to escape him, even though for the moment, he wasn't hurting me.
'Stop! It's OK...it's OK. ' He crooned. 'Daddy said he ain't gonna hurt ya and he ain't.' He soothed, throwing me back into the present. My body simply wouldn't obey me, my movements slack and clumsy as I sagged against him in defeat and I hated myself for my weakness. He pulled me effortlessly back down to him and held me there.
'It's OK, don't fight it.' He murmured, pinning me easily with one arm to him while the other reached for the big glass of whiskey on the side of the bath. I gazed at it blankly, wondering where it had come from. He took large swigs from it now and again as he tightened his hold around me. I was strangely fully relaxed in his arms and I knew it was more to do with the pills than anything else. I was almost half asleep until he spoke again.
'Daddy's so proud of ya for fightin' back like a Dixon that as a reward, he ain't even gonna fuck ya this time.'
I whimpered.
'Sh...sh... Ain't gonna make ya do nothin' neither.' He kissed the top of my head.
His hand was back in my hair, stroking and brushing his fingers through it. I felt him kiss my forehead lightly. The drugs were really kicking in, in response and incredibly, after what he'd just said, or maybe because of it, I found myself leaning back trustingly against him. Even snuggling closer to his chest.
I heard his sigh of surprise and pleasure when I did because suddenly, it seemed like none of that sick shit he'd done to me had ever happened.
I couldn't even feel his dick at my backside anymore. It was just like when he used to bathe with me when I was small – innocent and non-threatening.
Like it had all been a bad dream – just some kind of horrifying and twisted nightmare.
I closed my eyes, barely registering his words. The last thing I heard was him taking a large gulp of whiskey. I couldn't fight the pills or him or my own exhaustion anymore and felt myself drifting off in his arms.
A few hours later, Merle with his head jackhammering, stumbled into the bathroom, badly needing a piss. The door was unlocked and nobody was in there. He took care of business but when he went to wash his hands, he swore when he nearly tripped over the empty whiskey glass lying on the floor. That forced him to switch on the bathroom light when he hadn't been going to bother but what he saw on the bathroom floor made him frown and he swore even louder as he backed away into the sink. 'What the...?'
Dad's clothes were all sprawled across the floor and tangled up with Daryl's soaking wet boxers in the corner of the room. Merle sank down on the edge of the bathtub as he stared unseeingly in front of him, wondering if he was missing an important clue. His mind simply didn't want to go where the scene before him was leading.
He remembered how Daryl had behaved when they took him to the bathroom – all shy and nervous about taking his clothes off in front of his father and older brother just like a prissy girl.
But he was male too and didn't have anything that they didn't have.
Merle wasn't some kind of prude – neither of the elder Dixons were - but fussy little princess Darlena had been so reluctant to fully strip in front of them. Sure, Merle had thought it strange at the time because Daryl had never been shy and after all, they were brothers. They'd seen each other naked numerous times when they'd gone swimming in the lake, for example. So why the big change now? Even weirder, Daryl had insisted that Merle keep his boxers on and Merle, seeing how distressed he was, had done what he asked because nobody could get to him like his little brother. He would have beaten the shit out of any other pussy and torn off their boxers for them. And Daryl had also insisted on keeping his own on.
Like he thought Merle would…would… He shook his head, unable to finish the thought. It was too disturbing.
Merle shook his head in confusion and bent down to pick up the whiskey glass. Dad had said that he was going to take care of Daryl, put him to bed, but he obviously hadn't. Or at least not straight away.
It must have taken some time if he deemed it 'whiskey-worthy'. It was the only liquor that their father didn't simply inhale.
Merle slowly got up to stare at his reflection in the mirror.
His father had been worried to put it mildly, and then a possible explanation came to him. Dad had got in the tub just to help Daryl wash because he was too bruised up to do it. That sent his thoughts spinning to when he himself helped Daryl. How he'd washed the worst of the blood off and the way his brother had radiated his ease when he did that, even nodding off as Merle massaged his shoulders. But then Daryl woke up suddenly and snatched the sponge off him and washed his upper-body himself with it. Yet something about that image made Merle smile.
He knew he was, for the most part a shitty big brother, but that didn't matter much when Daryl seemed to trust him with all his heart.
Truth be told, he'd enjoyed washing and taking care of his little brother and the image of Daryl's perfect, baby smooth skin came to mind except for his back and he quickly stopped that train of thought. That wasn't important right now, what was why his father and his brother had ended up in the bathtub together.
His mind arrived at the answer too quickly - they'd shared the tub because the tight bastard didn't want to waste precious bath -water.
Yes - that's what must have happened, he told himself as he continued eyeing himself in the mirror. Yet, something was nagging at him – the panicked looks Daryl had sent him and his meaningful glances at Dad. But he hadn't understood them at the time in his boozy and drug-induced mellow high. Daryl had wanted him to stay. Merle had simply put this down to his fear of getting beaten up more in punishment for tagging along to the bar or something along those lines.
He looked down to stare at Daryl's boxers, smaller than their father's and wondering how they'd come off. Unless they had taken their separate turns in the tub but something inside Merle wasn't buying that.
Without noticing he was doing it; Merle slowly formed a fist with his right hand in frustration over not understanding what had happened when he left them alone together. Something, symbolized by that discarded underwear on the bathroom floor was nagging at him but he still didn't know what it was. Because if he knew his sweet, shy little brother, Daryl would never have taken his clothes off willingly in front of their father. Never was one to flaunt his goods, unlike his big brother. This fact was tormenting him, so he took a deep breath and walked to Daryl's room to check if his brother was okay. Telling himself it was the least he could do.
When he opened the door, Merle was dumbstruck when he saw his father lying next to his brother on that small bed with a thin cover over them. Why was Dad in his brother's room, let alone in his bed with him? He tried his best to explain things away, even so this sight made him want to walk over there and grab Daryl. Get him away from their father. At the same time, he tried to approach this calmly and to think logically. Probably their dad just wanted to keep an eye on him, after all who knew how Daryl would react to the heavy duty pills he'd given him. Maybe the pills combined with possible concussion had made him feel sick and their father was worried about him.
Merle recalled that he'd given him two, although he'd thought one would be enough for a boy of Daryl's weight who was also unused to them. He just couldn't stand seeing him in so much pain, especially since it was his fault it happened in the first place. If he could take it all away somehow, he would done his utmost to do so.
Merle, however when he got too high on meth or coke needed 4 or even 6 of them sometimes before his body would calm down enough to sleep.
But that was him. He was on the verge of shaking them awake when the phone rang. He was irritable to say the least at the interruption – still trying to work something important out that he should realise.
'Ya brother OK?' The caller asked without preamble. 'He's a real little fighter, ain't he?' It was Marty, checking in on them because he had helped get Daryl up on his feet and insisted on calling an ambulance. Merle had refused and stubbornly picked Daryl up in his arms and walked away home, muttering 'Thanks' over his shoulder.
'Yeah, yeah. A little bruised and battered but he's sleepin' now. Gave him somethin' for the pain.' Merle answered tartly, not in the mood to talk with his mind spinning like it was.
Yeah, he told himself after he put the phone down, that must be it. Nothing to worry about, Dad was just looking after Daryl.
He went out and closed the door to his brother's room quietly behind him. For some reason, he just couldn't get out of there quick enough.
Daryl
I woke up – my head and sides pounding, feeling fuzzy but I instinctively snuggled into the muscular masculine arms holding me to their bare chest. Had Merle come here in the night or was I in his bed? I couldn't remember. Maybe I had crawled into his like I often thought about doing, especially after horrible nightmares plagued me like they did lately or to escape Dad and just to feel safe, even if Merle wasn't there. But he was back now.
With these thoughts whirling around in my head, I looked out of the window in shock. The sun was high in the sky – I'd overslept and was late for my chores and Dad was going to kill me!
Still dozy, but feeling the beginnings of rising panic, I turned to look at my brother and had to stifle a surprised cry when I saw who was in bed with me. I'd grown accustomed to listening to my brother's snores close by, lulling me to sleep and these ones were deeper. Dad's! I hadn't noticed the difference in the sounds they made when they slept when I woke up, still groggy or in the way those arms were hugging me, similar to Merle's.
Any hopes of going back to sleep quickly faded as my mind screamed at me to take some kind of action. Yet he was holding me in a tight grip to him even in his sleep, the greedy bastard. I couldn't help but be suspicious. Was he really sleeping or only pretending to trick me? Catching me out was one of his favourite past times.
Most importantly, how could I get up without waking him?
At first, I didn't dare to move at all. As my anger grew, I moved slightly, careful not to jerk his arm and wake him up. It was the last thing I wanted to happen but I took the risk anyway as I lifted the coverlet and checked myself.
I was naked.
Of course, I was. He must have undressed me!
Reluctantly, I lifted it again and checked Dad out.
I saw with disgust that he was naked too but at least he didn't have a hard-on. I turned my face away and inched as far away from him as dared to. But my head had been lying on his chest and his arm around me was trapping me. I was afraid to lift his arm off me to free myself.
In the midst of panicking, I tried to remember. Had he done something to me in my sleep? I gingerly felt myself all over. No new injuries, no new bleeding and no tenderness back there. It looked like he hadn't touched me but he'd got into bed with me. Unusual for him not to take every opportunity to ravish me but how could I know for sure what he'd done while I lay there, knocked out by the pills Merle gave me?
I scanned the room and saw the discarded towels lying on my bedroom floor horror. Then, everything came back to me fragmented. I'd been in a bar brawl and had my brother's back, there was pain and lots of it and then he'd half-carried, half-dragged me home. We'd been outnumbered and I'd been pretty battered - hence the pounding headache and sore ribs and minor aches from various cuts and bruises – not so bad now. Certainly, no worse than some of the punishments I'd received from my father in the past when he really went to town on me.
Shit. Now I was remembering the bath, Merle sponging me down and cleaning me up. How good that had felt, how nice and safe even though I pretended that I didn't want him to help me. That had just been Dixon pride talking – plus, the sick fuck was watching us the whole time and I could see how much he was enjoying watching us in the bath together. Merle was oblivious, of course.
Pervert would probably have liked it a whole lot more if we had discarded our underwear. His filthy thoughts were made obvious by the sneer that he couldn't suppress once or twice, although he'd kept his face expressionless most of the time for Merle's benefit.
Now, he was in my bed with me – a tight squeeze because it was only a child's bed.
Fuck.
I had to try and escape him, even if he woke up and punished me for it. He was lying there in my bed, which now felt contaminated by his presence. I'd feel dirty sleeping in it until I'd washed the bedclothes with the strongest stuff I could find, preferably bleach.
I just knew it. How the fuck did he manage to still make me feel helpless when he was asleep? Knowing what he would no doubt demand when he woke up didn't make things any easier. Especially now as I conveniently was there right in bed next to him, 'ready to go' as he would see it.
I shuddered.
Just when I'd braced myself to make a run for it, too late – his brawny arm around me twitched and I saw his eyes flutter and I found myself pinned me down.
'Mornin', son.' He greeted me pleasantly.
'Why ya here?'
'Don't remember, huh? You didn't feel so good 'cos of the pills Merle gave ya. Had to make sure you were all right. I guess I fell asleep.'
With me in my bed? I cursed inside, no wonder he succeeded in manipulating Merle, making him think there was nothing going on. He had fooling him down to a fine art. If I didn't know the truth, hell, I'd probably believe his story. The fact that we were naked spoke against him, though. It was unnecessary.
'What do ya want?' I snapped at him, annoyed over his silver tongue. Besides it was better to attack first.
'Nothin'.' He shrugged. 'Why? What should I want?'
I didn't answer because I didn't want to give him ideas.
I started to struggle. 'Lemme go.'
'Easy does it, son. Not going to hurt ya.'
'That's all ya ever do!'
"I didn't yesterday, did I?"
'That's only 'cos ya were scared to make my injuries worse! Because of my head…'
'What makes you think today's any different?' and to my horror he lifted up the covers. I froze as his eyes traced my body, drinking me in.
'As far as I can see, you're still bruised and hurtin'.' I yanked at the cover and pulled it back over, making him laugh.
'I sure do like it when ya all fired up and feisty, boy. But still shy, huh? Why bother, it's only me. And I've already seen everythin'.'
'Don't remind me.' I looked down at the covers, cheeks burning with shame. Although I should really be past it by now.
'Don't have to, now do I? All you have to do is see me and ya remember all the special fun we had together.'
Ignoring him and his sick taunts, I managed to get halfway up just then, but was quickly pinned down again. 'Now don't make no fuss. I said I ain't gonna hurt you. Cross my heart. Lie back down.'
'I wanna check on Merle. Lemme go.'
He flashed me a superior smile then. 'There's no need, son. Don't worry ya pretty little head about ya brother. I already talked to him.'
My fear for myself was suddenly eclipsed by my panic for my brother. What had the sick fuck done to him? 'What? When?'
'A few hours ago. He was in a good mood I tell ya. Don't know what his problem was, but now he's okay.'
'And ya just decided to come back in here after that? After ya put me to bed?'
'Had to make sure my baby boy was all right, didn't I?' He winked at me then, as I lay back down like he ordered me to do. There really was no use in fighting him and if I did, he might change back to being that creepy pervert, not that I liked him now but at least he being a kind of normal Dad. However, I knew by the look of him and the way he was talking, pervert Dad wasn't far from the surface at all.
He never failed to prove me right as it didn't take long before I could feel his hand trace the shape of my body as I was lying on my side, face away from him.
I tensed up quite badly at his touch but he took it as a green light to move even closer to me as if to provide me some of his sick version of comfort.
'No! Get the fuck off me! I really did try to sound menacing, like I wasn't afraid of him but I failed miserably as this came out sounding weak and my fear was suffocating literally as my breath caught in my throat.
He turned me around, more considerately than he usually did, but his firm grip of me was a warning in itself that I was stepping onto dangerous ground.
'Calm down. Daddy ain't hurtin' ya. Ya easier to convince when ya when ya ain't awake.'
I stared at him in surprise and was on the verge of speaking, but he silenced me with a finger against my lips. 'See, I know ya don't believe me but I sure did enjoy watching ya doze off. Ya look like a little angel when you're sleeping.'
I closed my eyes as the anxiety I felt over not knowing what had happened while I was unconscious almost consumed me. He stroked my cheek then, and to my surprise, he lifted his arm and released me.
I didn't think twice but tumbled out of that bed and made for as far away from him as I could go!
I was about to run out of my bedroom but instead, some death wish fury made me turn around and confront him. My fists clenched at my sides in my determination because Merle was hopefully nearby. If I could get Dad to talk about what he did to me, maybe he would hear? It was worth a shot. Besides, there were some things that I was burning to know from him.
'What did ya do to me when I was asleep?' I demanded furiously.
He got up onto his elbows but other than that, didn't move. He smirked. 'Well, ya'll never know, will ya, son? But like I told ya, I ain't gonna punish ya as a reward for what ya did, remember? Dixons always keep their promises.'
'Yeah, still don't believe ya. Ya always lyin'. Twistin' the truth.'
'You think ya wouldn't know if I had some fun with ya while you were asleep?'
'Fuck you.'
His eyebrows lifted at that. 'Is that an offer?' He whispered, eyes lighting up in excitement.
I backed away then, closer to the door. I was ready to flee if he made any move to get up.
'No!' I hissed. Keeping my voice down too, for reasons I didn't know. After all, on some level I wanted my brother to hear.
'OK then.'
'What?' I rounded on him in shock. He was giving me a choice?
'So, ya won't let me, boy. But ya gotta understand that when I see ya all riled up and sassin' me like ya jus' did, it turns me on all the more. Just like when ya fight me. Makes me want ya even more.'
I stared at him in disgust even though I knew I should get the hell out of there while I still had a chance. Before he could grab hold of me, close the door and do what he wanted.
But I was transfixed as he shamelessly pulled down the cover to show me his huge erection.
'Fuck,' he groaned as he leered at me. 'I'm so fuckin' horny and all 'cos of you, son.'
I still couldn't move, even when he started touching himself. But when he started to moan, I fled to my big brother's room as his sounds of self-pleasuring were ringing in my ears.
I just had to get the fuck out of there.
'Merle! Merle!' I knocked at his door anxiously, all the time praying that he was still in there, that he would be awake or if he wasn't already, that he would hear me. None of our doors had a lock and the whole time I kept looking over my shoulder, expecting Dad to come up behind me and grab me.
No answer.
'Merle! Ya dumb asshole! Open the fuck up!'
All the time I kept an ear out for Dad but I could hear him still going at it in my room.
In my bed.
I suppressed another shudder of disgust.
I just wanted my brother to open up so I could close his door behind me again and at least shut out some of his disgusting moans and groans. But entering Merle's room without permission was dangerous. Even for me, and if he'd taken drugs and was coming down from a high, he'd most certainly be in a bad mood. I couldn't take him biting my head off in the state I was in. Butterflies of hope were fluttering around in my stomach as I heard a heavy sigh and him dragging his tired feet heavily to his door. With a rude awakening, I realised that I was naked! I'd only ever been wrapped up in my terror and thoughts of what the bastard had planned and I'd leapt out of bed without thinking. Yet I couldn't go back to my room, Dad was there.
Merle opened the door before I got a chance to cover myself up. I cursed inwardly but decided not to make a big deal out of it. Just to act natural. Wasn't like he hadn't seen me naked before.
His eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets and they scanned me up and down rapidly before they focused on my face. It all happened so fast that I convinced myself that I had imagined it.
He gripped the doorframe firmly as he looked at me. Probably to keep himself steady I guessed.
It took him quite a while to find his voice, making me squirm and too late - try to cover myself with my hands between my legs. My face grew red with embarrassment during the awkward silence.
However, I swore I had seen a flash of some emotion in his eyes as they had roamed all over my body. Was it my imagination or had he looked at me like Dad did? No way – Merle wasn't gay and he'd beat anyone down to the ground who implied that he was – very hetero and macho in fact and besides that, I was his little brother! He wouldn't see me like that. It must be the sick things Dad's been putting in my head and doing to me - making me think that if he wants me like that, why not Merle too?
Keep it in the family. I laughed bitterly out loud.
'What?' He asked, confused. He didn't know the conversation I was having in my head like a crazy person.
It was sick, sick, sick.
Now Merle was looking down at me with that familiar superior frown of big brotherly irritation.
I must have imagined what I saw before - no way! Or even if he had looked at me like that, it was because he thought I was one of his girls because he was still asleep or high! Yeah – that was it.
I saw him look more like my Merle again as relief washed over me. Yes, I must have imagined him looking at me like that – Why would he? That was simply twisted.
'Why ya standin' out there naked?' He went back inside to grab a used towel and threw it at me. 'Cover yaself the fuck up. I know how badly ya want to.' He ordered. At the same time, I was grateful, I cursed him for his slowness for leaving me outside and vulnerable where Dad could get at me.
But then again, hearing the noises he wasn't bothering to stifle, I had to admit that I was probably safe for the time being. Merle chivalrously turned away as I wrapped the towel around me gratefully.
'Are you gonna let me in or what?" I hissed then, impatiently stomping his door with my foot.
'What the fuck's goin' on? I was jus' sleepin'. Got the motherfucker of all hangovers...'
I felt huge relief. That explains his look before.
Even though it was my big brother and I trusted him, I felt terribly naked and exposed in front of him without proper clothes. He at least had the sense to realise. Maybe it was my lucky day, when Merle would finally notice and put two and two together.
'Merle, quick! He's comin'.' I winced and cursed my unintentional pun. Unfortunately, it was very true.
'Who?'
The stupid asshole didn't get who I was talking about at first as he hustled me inside. Not like there was more than one person in our house that it could be, I thought as I rolled my eyes.
Even so, I could hear the bastard's gasps and groans, he'd got even louder the nearer to the end he came. Just to freak me out, no doubt and I'd stupidly left my bedroom door open in my haste to flee. The dozy, half-drugged look on Merle's face vanished as he finally pricked up his ears to listen.
Merle's face fell. 'Oh.'
We both ignored Dad's last cry of 'Damn you, boy!' before he climaxed. Or was my brother refusing to acknowledge what our father cried out at all? Anyway, it didn't matter because I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it. I wanted my brother to know the truth, sure, but every time an opportunity presented itself, my mouth dried up and my heart started to hammer in my chest and I clammed up.
He yanked me into his room, and shut the door in a hurry. He even put a chair under the handle. Maybe he was realising, then? You never knew with him – he couldn't be predicted.
But as he turned to me then, and shoved me with my back against the wall, his eyes told me that he wasn't confused one bit.
'Now, ya tell me what the fuck is goin' on between you and Dad, little brother. Better do it quick too.'
'Ya don't need to be like this, stupid. I'm not gonna run.'
'Tell me…' He insisted fiercely.
'I'll tell you, just let me go!'
He responded by gripping my wrists only tighter, pinning them to my sides. 'So, tell me. What's he doin' to ya?'
Thank God he's realised. But my stupid mouth wouldn't form the words.
'What?' I found myself still playing dumb for some reason.
'I found some suspicious shit in the bathroom. An empty whisky glass and clothes – your and his underwear - together - all over the floor. What happened?'
'I…Let me the fuck go, Merle!'
He pressed his arm against my throat, not budging one bit, keeping my face tilted upright and forcing me to look at him. Just like Dad did often and it was an uncomfortable realisation. And similar to Daddy Dearest, he pinned me there with his body, and I couldn't help but wince at the familiar memories it brought up. I tried to get away, almost succeeding as adrenaline flowed through my veins and gave me a surge of extra strength.
'No, Merle…Please, Dad…No, don't do that…Lemme go!' I struggled in vain.
'Dad? Why's what I'm doin' right now makin' ya panic so much, huh? I'm ya big brother – ain't gonna hurt ya. Well, not much, anyway.' He joked, smirking. 'Ain't like we never wrestled or nothin' or I ain't got rough with you before and ya never freaked out then. Why now? Talk, or I'll bring Dad in here!'
'What, ya crazy? No, don't ya fuckin' dare!' My struggles tripled in effort while he smirked in classic big brother arrogance.
'Would ya let me go already?' I yelled in his face at my wit's end by now. He must have realised that it was no longer a game because he frowned then. No doubt he'd threatened me with our father to see my reaction.
Seeing that I really meant it and that I was on the verge of all out panic, he did, well sort of and pushed me onto his bed instead. Then he got next to me, but not before getting his carton of cigarettes of course. Making it clear that he wouldn't let me leave the room until he got an answer from me and that he had all the time in the world to wait. He lit one up, looking me over in concern as he nudged me with the open packet. I took one with a shaking hand while he lit it for me. He kept hold of that lighter with an iron grip though.
'Calm the fuck down. I'm just tryin' to understand.' My childish big brother ruffled my hair. I hadn't noticed how close to me he'd got without me noticing. He'd obviously done this on purpose because now I was pressed against the wall again. But he wasn't holding me there like before but he was still blocking my escape. It felt like he wanted to prove how much stronger he was and to let me know the power he had over me more than anything else.
'I've seen you, you're jumpier than ever. Except for me at times, ya won't let no-one else near you.'
'Jus' drop it Merle.'
'You let me decide that, Darlena.'
I was right, he really was on a power trip.
'Stop fuckin' callin' me that!'
He gave me a quick smirk before he got serious again. 'All right, but somethin's buggin' me about all this. I…'
'Somethin's buggin' you?' I snarled and looked away.
'Ya see? Why would ya get upset if somethin' wasn't really wrong?'
Should've known it was a trap, damn my brother sometimes. When my eyes met his then, he was looking pretty smug indeed.
'If ya don't open that mouth of yours in the next ten seconds, I'll pin ya down to the fuckin' floor instead, and I won't budge this time.'
I sighed. I knew right then that I was done for. I just couldn't find the right words to tell him, even though I knew he deserved to know. Didn't even know how to begin.
'Fuckin' hell, Merle. He's just tryin' to break me, ya know?' Then it suddenly hit me, it was perfect. 'He blames me for the rumours goin' around here about me and that fuckin' teacher, Mr Rogers.'
There, I'd said it. Rogers. And Merle would tell Dad. What had I just done? But I had to give him something he would believe.
'I knew it was him who messed with you! Rogers is a perve. Everyone knows that.'
'Don't need to tell me.'
'Wait a minute, has he touched ya or tried anything again with ya?'
'Not since I fought back and let him know what I was gonna do if he messed with me again or another boy.' I smirked as I lied to let Merle know that it no big deal because Rogers had touched me recently but not in the way he meant. He'd actually made me feel a little better.
'Ya sure?' He didn't look convinced but at least it seemed he'd forgotten all about mine and dad's underwear together in the bathroom. Merle never did have a long attention span, always flitting from one thing to the next and moving on quickly. Rather like he did with his so-called 'girlfriends'. At least, they thought they were his girlfriends.
'Bastard's scared shitless of me, now. Ya should see him quiverin' and quakin' in class. Can't even meet my eyes!' I continued, knowing that it wasn't quite true but repeating more or the less what I told Dad. It all seemed years ago now. Everything did that came before Dad's special 'punishments' that involved his dick.
'When?' He was sitting up now. Ignoring everything else I'd said.
'You remember - two months ago, give or take. When I came home from school that day and Dad was jus' like he knew.
'Sounds about right. Why the fuck didn't ya tell me it was him before?'
'So, you could track him down, half-kill him and risk goin' to jail? Don't think so. Promise me now ya won't.'
He deliberated with himself and clearly it was a difficult decision for him to make. 'OK – as long as he doesn't touch you again. I guess it's all over with – you're leavin' school soon anyways. But our asshole of a father blames ya? For what?' My brother's voice began to rise in outrage.
'Some students spread some rumours about me and him, just 'cos he was always keepin' me back after class. We just talked mostly, he never touched me 'til the last time when he came onto me. Tried to kiss me.'
Merle growled and clenched his fists at his sides when he heard that. 'Maybe I'll still pay him a visit. What do ya say to that, little brother? You and me teachin' him to keep his filthy hands to himself?'
'Merle...don't. It's over. I don't think he'll do it again to anyone – now that I threatened him. Anyways, it...felt... felt kinda nice to talk to a grown-up who wasn't beatin' the shit out of ya… That's how it started. But he got creepy… real creepy fast. Now I see he was… like… obsessed with me... I should've listened to all the rumours...even Shane…'
'Fuckin' pervert.' He hissed with venomous hatred and I could tell that he wanted to still kill him. What had I done to throw him off the scent? Oh Merle, if only you knew who the worst pervert was.
We both lost track of time, so deep in our own thoughts that we forgot to listen out for Dad who'd gone ominously quiet. I nodded eagerly at Merle who seemed to finally buy my story – that it was only what Mr Rogers had done and Dad was still blaming me for it after all this time. But I shouldn't have underestimated him – he was smarter than he seemed in many ways and it was clear that he'd tricked me again as his eyes got darker somehow and I knew he wasn't fully convinced. He was about to speak, no doubt to keep on pressing me or so I thought. I might have nearly told him then, finally overpowered by the fierce intensity of the determination in those impossible sky-blue dark eyes, holding me in thrall to him like the flame to a moth.
Then the phone rang downstairs.
'Merle, Paul's on the phone.' Dad knocked loudly on the door a few seconds later and interrupted our intense exchange. I didn't know whether to be relieved or annoyed at this.
My brother turned towards the door with a scowl on his face at hearing our father's voice. 'Tell him I'll call him back. I'm in the middle of something important here.' He met my eyes with a piercing, penetrating eagle look.
I fancied that I could hear Dad take in a deep breath of alarm and see his slightly panicked eyes through the door. Good!
'Says it's urgent.' Something told me that Dad was lying, having sensed that I, driven to the edge, was now on the verge of letting the cat out of the bag about him.
'He always says that.' Merle's tone was dismissive and once again he focused on me, holding my gaze.
When it became clear, however, that Dad wasn't going to go away, Merle cursed loudly. 'What's the matter with people callin' on the fuckin' phone all times day and night, huh?'
After he let me go, I shrugged my shoulders and leaned back. I didn't know why I was so hellbent on having my brother actually witnessing what was going on, but right then I hoped that dad would come in here and make a mistake. Saying something that couldn't be misinterpreted even by Merle or touching me right in front of him when he got back.
Of course, I had no such luck if you could call it that the bastard was just too smart for that. Dad was content with just peeking his head in at me and being deliberately vague in his threat. Nevertheless, his meaning was clear to me when he said:
'Better watch it and keep ya mouth shut, boy. Otherwise next punishment's gonna hurt even worse.'
Then he shut the door behind him.
