Chapter 60: Back Home Sweet Home
Sorry it's been long since I posted – been very busy. Daryl has had nearly all he can stand from Dad while Dad is becoming increasingly reckless and threatening his brother in the process. Oh, Merle – he bit him and tied him up – can't you figure it out?
Please leave a review if you can - they make me really happy x
Daryl
Retching and emptying my stomach – I was already turning into my house and not for the first time, I thought about running and never looking back or wished that Eric was around or that I had friends could actually stay in their houses even after we graduated from school. Even if only for the summer. I just couldn't face Dad- not after what had just happened and what I'd done to the cop. My lip was bleeding and I was trembling like crazy and I badly wanted to rush upstairs into the bathroom and rinse my mouth out with mouthwash and scrub my gums raw.
Why didn't I run away? I didn't know except I had an inkling that my brother was coming back home today even though Dad said he wasn't. He could be lying of course, but something told me he wouldn't have gone so far as he did last night or hit me in obvious places – Merle would see the bruises and go crazy otherwise. More than that, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my brother frantic because he didn't know where I was. I thought about leaving a note but Dad might get that first. Besides, I was hoping and dreading that he would catch us and see for himself what Dad did when he wasn't around.
'Get in there', was my father's greeting as he was about to yank me roughly inside and quickly out of sight like he usually did but something about my appearance must have stopped him. 'Where have ya been?' He sounded genuinely worried as he stroked my cheek lingeringly slowly with one finger before he pulled me more gently into the living room with him.
'Dad...'
He rose an eyebrow.
'Please, Dad. Don't.' I started to panic when he sat back in his armchair and had me stand between his spread legs.
Probably deliberately.
'Don't what?' He gently brushed back my hair and tilted my chin up to have a better look at my face. 'What do ya think I'm gonna do?'
I bowed my head and didn't answer.
'Sh... I ain't gonna do anythin' to ya.'
I kept quiet. Safest that way.
'Who did this?' His voice rose in rage as he lightly traced the outline of my lips with his forefinger. Just like the cop and I couldn't help shivering.
'Dad...' My voice had got that whiny tone as my panic grew because this wasn't like him! Not like he'd been for a long time and I didn't dare delude myself that he had changed. Or that he really cared.
Somehow this was worse because I didn't know how to react or steel myself for what was coming.
'Who hit ya, boy?' His hand tightened its grip on my hand and a protective growl rose in his voice. 'What did they do to you?'
'No-one. Nothin'!'
'Stop lyin'!' He snapped and I could tell he was getting angry.
'Nothin' happened!' I snapped back.
'I don't believe ya!'
He drew me onto his lap and cuddled me like a baby. I felt sick and it didn't make me feel any better. Or calmer.
Or safer.
His arms had tightly closed about me like steel vices. Yet my body stopped trembling and I fell into a light doze. I don't know how long for.
Until he shook me awake again.
'Well, if nothin' happened and ya fine like ya say are, we can have some father-son fun together. What ya say about that huh, son?'
I didn't bother to reply – what was the point?
'Did ya miss me?' He was kissing my throat and I squirmed and whined in revulsion. After what the cop had made me do, it was just too much.
''Cos I missed ya.'
He started tearing my clothes off while I made it as difficult as I could for him.
'No... No...'
'Sh...'
'Didn't ya have enough of me last night?'
'Can never get enough of ya, sweetheart.' He smirked.
'No! Stop!' I cried but he didn't listen. He never did. Well – almost never and only when it suited him.
He soon had me out of my pants and shirt. Was tugging my boxers down when I covered his hands on my hips with my own. 'No, Dad.' I said calmly.
He tore his hands away and grabbed me by the shoulders to spin me around to look at him.
'What do ya mean 'No'?'
I shoved him away and tried to run for the door but he predicted this move and even laughed as he threw me down on the sofa.
'Ya want Daddy to stop?' Disappointed disbelief was in his voice and I didn't know if he was crazy enough to believe his lies.
'Yeah – I fuckin' do!' I still couldn't quite believe that he had listened to me. 'Jus' let me go – promise I won't say nothin' to anyone.'
He grabbed me by the arm. 'So,.. ya don't want that but let's see if ya want this instead.' I heard him start undoing his belt.
'But ya said...'
'Sh...'
He dragged me back up by the arm and shoved me against the wall with my back facing him. 'It'll be OK. Jus' like old times 'cos ya ain't let me do this to ya for a long time, have ya, son?'
'What?'
Then I heard it - the crack of the belt as he got ready and I turned around. It caught me on the chest and I yelled out. 'Fucker!' The pain was bad but not his best – he hadn't got started on me yet.
He turned and grabbed me and shoved me against the wall again but I was fighting him as hard as I could.
'Ya sure ya don't want me instead of the belt, huh, son?'
I laughed at him. 'Remember when ya gave me 20 when I was 11? This ain't nothin'.'
That did it. He snarled crazily as he lashed into me as I tried to move away from the stinging belt but I couldn't escape. Now I knew what was coming, I stubbornly kept my mouth shut, refusing to make a noise but he must have got impatient. It wasn't what he really wanted to do to me after all.
He gave me 5 lashes on my back in total. He counted them loudly as he hit me as hard as he could and I could feel the blood trickling down my back and from the first cut on my chest and the stinging, searing pain like my skin was on fire but I knew I could take it.
'Still haven't had enough, huh, son? Ya right, this is nothin' compared to the punishment ya got when ya were little – guess I'll have to really give it to ya this time, won't I?' He was breathing heavily but paused, waiting for me to answer.
I refused to.
'Still gonna deny me, huh, ya little cocktease? This is jus' foreplay compared to what I'm gonna do.'
'NO!'
He turned me around to face him.
'Then I'm gonna whip ya in the same places I did just now. Gonna open up them wounds.'
I stared at him in horror.
'What? Ya think I can't do that, son?'
I shook my head. He drew closer and I could smell the mint mouthwash on his breath and his freshly-showered body.
Fucking Pineapple and peppermint…
'Yeah, I can. I'll flay ya alive before I'm finished with ya unless ya give me what I want. How do ya like the sound of that?'
I said nothing. As if to prove his point, he drew back the belt and I instinctively braced myself for another onslaught of pain as the belt landed right on top of the first cut, he'd already made with ruthless precision and I knew that it would scar for good now. Of course, there were other thinner ones from his hunting knife on my chest but call me vain, I used to like to think that I could cover my back and no-one would know.
'You fuckin' bastard! I'm gonna tell Merle the other shit ya do to me!'
He chuckled at that as he turned me around and laid another lash on exactly the same cut, he'd made on my back a few minutes ago. I screamed then because it did feel like the skin was being slowly flayed from my back.
'Still ain't gonna let me fuck ya, ya little bitch?' He trailed his belt suggestively over my buttocks.
I hissed in my breath but stubbornly remained silent.
'Right then. '
He did it again and I couldn't help it but I whimpered.
The blood was running down my back in rivers now.
'Ya know me, I ain't a pervert – I don't force ya to do nothin' ya don't want to do. It's all ya, temptin' me. Ya know ya like it. Come on, son – why don't ya jus' say 'yes' to me?' He whispered in my ear.
'Fuck you! Never!' I screamed in pain and rage as he lashed me again with fatal aim. Right on top of another cut he'd made, forcing out another sissy whimper from me.
He chuckled at that and I sensed him draw back his arm to hit me again when the front door crashed open. I immediately straightened up.
'Quick.' He hissed at me and shoved my clothes at me. 'It's ya brother – put'em on quick before he sees and get upstairs!'
I did my best to obey him – for the life of me, I didn't want Merle to see me in this state despite however much I daydreamed about him finding us together. But I was slow – barely able to put on my boxers because even raising my arm was agony. Besides, if Merle saw what he had just been doing to me, it would just lead to more violence and yelling and Dad would punish me for Merle's 'disrespect' the next chance he got.
'Let me.' He was over in a shot and about to try and put my shirt back on me but the blood would still seep through – didn't he know that? Thankfully, he didn't get the chance – I couldn't stand his touch anyway and that was even without the pain as Merle came barging in and I almost could have kissed him in relief at my deliverance.
His eyes flickered between me and Dad...me naked except for my boxers and Dad's belt where he'd thrown it on the floor. He hadn't had time to put back it on.
Dad tried to make the best of it and put on a big, fake cheerful smile. 'What ya doin' back so early, son? Thought ya weren't comin' until tomorrow at the earliest.' He shrugged. Even so I could detect the slight tremor in his voice that most people would miss, including my big brother.
'I got your job done earlier than expected. What the fuck's goin' on here? Why's he standin' there half-naked?' His voiced started to rise in rage and that was even before his eyes focused on the bleeding wounds on my chest and he hadn't even seen my back. Or the red rope marks around my wrists – if he'd seen them, even more hell would have been to pay! I put my hands behind my back to make them less obvious.
'Nothin', son. Nothin' for ya to worry about.' Dad crooned at him.
'What the fuck ya do to him? Daryl, come over here.' He beckoned me over and I shuffled over with difficulty to where he was, not looking at Dad.
I winced when he shoved me behind him and his fists clenched when he noticed. 'Go wait upstairs in ya room, baby brother.'
I was only too glad to obey.
'Ya whipped him?' I heard Merle yell as I went slowly up the stairs and a glass shatter. Had he thrown it at Dad? The thought cheered me a little inside when every step an agony because it jarred my lacerated back.
'What the fuck did he do to deserve it? Thought ya'd stopped all that...hittin' him...that ya'd changed. Especially after all that shit he's been through with that fuckin' teacher of his.'
'No, that ain't it, son...I did...but ya should have heard him disrespectin' me today! Me – his own father!' I couldn't help myself but pause to listen on the top stair.
There was another crash of shattering glass.
'Well – what did he say? Bet he had good reason.'
Dad didn't answer. Or at least didn't give an answer that I could hear.
'That's right. He didn't say nothin', did he? Ya jus' felt like takin' things out on him, didn't ya?'
The voices got lower and I couldn't hear the words.
'Don't ya touch him again, never – do ya hear?' Merle was ordering Dad now.
The bastard replied but he was speaking too quietly again so that I didn't hear.
'Ya hit him again and I'll know and I'll come after ya, old man. Even if ya are my father and I use that term loosely.'
I heard Merle come thumping up the stairs in rage and even though I was in pain, hearing him stand up to our Dad like that for me gave my chest a warm feeling inside. I just about managed to ease myself slowly onto my bed when he came barging in.
'Jesus! That bastard...' Merle sat on my bed beside me. 'I don't know how I held back from punchin' him or doin' the same to him. 'Bout time he got a taste of his own medicine.'
He took my face gently n his hands to examine it properly and just like the other two men, traced my lips with his finger before he tugged my cut lower lip down. Unlike with them, I didn't mind and shivered at the tingle going up and down my spine that his touch gave me.
I swear I couldn't read the expression in his eyes and he looked like he was deciding whether to do something and part of me wish he would. But what I was wishing him to do I didn't know exactly.
He sighed and his eyes flickered before he pulled away.
'Dad do that to ya too?' I think he was talking about my bruised-up face before he examined the red rope-burns around my wrist.
'Tied ya up again!' His voice was growing louder in anger. 'Why?'
I said nothing not even when he growled at the fading, yellow bruises all over my stomach.
'Why ya protectin' him, Darlena? He don't deserve it.'
'Leave it, Merle. What ya got there?'
'Somethin' for the pain.' He handed me the large blue pill.
'What is it?'
'What do you care? I said take it!' He handed me the glass of water with it.
Downstairs, the TV started blaring after Dad turned it on. Sounded like a TV show with taped laughter and I thought it weird because he usually hated comedies.
I was just glad that he had come back earlier than Dad said he would and that he'd stopped him. I had even forgotten about the dirty cop but no way was I going to tell anyone about that, least of all, my big brother.
'Uh oh...You gonna have to lie on ya stomach.'
I did as he said. Of course, the cuts on my chest hurt with all my weight on them... unlike the old bruises on my stomach. Still, it would have been less painful to lie on my side but I couldn't do that. When I covered my ass even though I had the boxers on with the bed cover, he laughed.
'Seriously, my sweet and shy little sister Darlena, maybe the man upstairs should have made ya a pretty girl when he made ya.'
'Shut the fuck up.' I winced as I tried to get more comfortable. He didn't know the real reason, after all.
He got out the ointment he'd brought with him.
'So, what was his excuse this time? He says ya talked back to him.'
I shrugged. 'Does he need one? Probably he was still drunk from the night before.'
'Jus' need to make a couple more good deals then I can get us outta here...away from him.'
'Yeah, yeah.' I must have heard him say that for what felt a thousand times already over the last couple of months. Sure, he made sure I was OK for clothes and stuff when he had the money but then he blew the rest of it on booze, drugs, gambling and girls, not necessarily in that order.
'This is gonna sting, little brother.'
'Don't care, jus' get on with it!' I snarled. He dabbed the stinky stuff onto my cuts as gently as he could and he wasn't exaggerating. It hurt like a bitch.
'Where's Dad?' I gasped and asked fearfully we heard the TV being switched off and I gave in and laid on my side.
'Don't ya worry 'bout him.' He ruffled my hair and finished tending to me. 'He ain't gonna touch ya – he promises. 'Cos he'll have me to answer to.'
Luckily, the pain was fading and I was even feeling a little relaxed. Sleepy, even so his next words didn't fill me with alarm like they should have.
'I've jus' got to go out...another job.'
I immediately sat up and grabbed his arm, my panic replacing the pleasantly woozy feelings from whatever drug he gave me. 'But ya only jus' got back! Ya said ya were finished!'
'I did but someone called me about more work...1000 dollars. I can't turn down that kind of money, bro. Not if we're ever gonna get outta this shithole one day.'
He helped me lie back down. 'Only for a little while. I promise.' He stroked the bangs away from my eyes.
He turned to go but I still clung to him. 'Merle – take me with ya. Don't leave me alone – not with him.' I couldn't hold back the sheer terror and desperation in my voice. Didn't he hear? Didn't he realise what was happening to me?
'I gotta go, bro but I'll be back. Either tomorrow or the day after the latest, promise. Take ya out and treat ya real good, OK?'
'OK.' I let go of him reluctantly because there was no making him change his mind when he was determined. He hugged me carefully one last time before he left. 'Don't worry.' He called from the door. 'Bastard's gonna keep his fists and his belt to himself, he promised me.'
Fists and belt? I rolled my eyes at his back after he left. It weren't his fists nor even his belt that was the main problem! Did Merle actually still believe Dad's promises?
To make sure I feel asleep even though I had one ear out for Dad coming up the stairs, I saw what my brother had left me. Another blue pill. Not sure if I should take it, I swallowed it.
…
Daryl
Whatever it was, it was potent shit. Without thinking, I rolled onto my back because it had dulled the pain on my back and chest so much, probably ruining all of Merle's good work.
Needless to say, our father finally got what he wanted.
'Ain't gonna be nice and give ya a choice this time, son.'
'Fuck you. Ya call that a choice? Jus' do what ya gonna do.'
'Ooh, that an invitation, son?' His whiskey breath was hot on my neck as he curled his fingers possessively in my hair.
I giggled like a moron as he lubed us up. It was the blue pill, of course.
'I like ya better when ya willin'. Fits in with my fantasies.'
'I ain't!' I remembered to struggle. 'Stop!'
'That's more like it! Now, why ain't ya in pain from the whippin' today?' He drew back, puzzled.
I said nothing.
'Think I got an answer for that.'
'No! You promised Merle...'
'Promised him I wouldn't hit ya or use my belt...but there are other ways of punishin' ya, boy, as ya well know.'
He grabbed me by the hair and yanked me up.
'Ow!'
'Get over there.' He pushed me down on the rough carpet so my lacerated back rubbed against it as entered me. Now I felt the pain. With each painful thrust. He also had my legs high over his shoulders. Yet I knew the pain was still muted from what I should have felt and I could bear it easily.
'Ya own fault, ya little whore. Shouldn't have tried to deny me today...if ya'd jus' given me what I wanted – could have been done with ya before he came home.'
Afterwards, he pulled out. 'See, I kept my promise to ya brother.'
I couldn't say anything to that, was just curled up shaking and bleeding on the floor.
'Ya evil, ya know that? If he knew...'
'But he ain't gonna know, is he? Not until I want him to, at least.'
'What the fuck ya mean by that? Do ya really think he wouldn't kill ya, if he did?'
'Well, he saw me take my belt to ya today – first time in years and he did nothin'. Except throw a couple of glasses and scream and yell. He daren't raise a fist to his father – neither of ya would.'
He bent over me then.
'No, please...Daddy don't.'
'Sh... Punishment's over. Least I can do is clean ya up after.'
'No, please don't, Dad.' I moaned. 'I'll be OK. Ya don't need to…'
He pecked my lips. 'Sh... I ain't gonna hurt ya no more, promise.'
He picked me up gently and lay me on my stomach on the bed before he went out to get a bowl of warm water and a cloth.
'No... no...' I flinched away from him.
'Stop that...otherwise I'll do it all over again. He fondled himself right in front of me. 'Believe me, I'll be up and ready to go in a few minutes if ya keep fightin' me.'
'Sick fuck...' Yet my eyes were fluttering even though he was there and I knew the danger I was in.
He gently dabbed at my wounds in much the same way as my brother did. I was soon wide awake again and gritted my teeth.
'Sh... Daddy's bein' as gentle as he can...'
I almost spluttered.
He turned me over onto my front to sponge the cuts there. Then he got a white pill out of his pocket.
'I know I shouldn't be givin' ya this ...it was a punishment after all, but it'll help with the pain. Help ya sleep too. Don't they even give death row prisoners an anaesthetic before they inject 'em?'
Hopefully you'll be one yourself, one day. 'No... No...'. I shook my head. 'Merle already...' Realising what I was saying, I shut up pretty quickly. Because if he knew that I'd had something to deaden the pain and make me feel out of it when he was punishing me, he might insist on doing it again. Because in his twisted mind I hadn't been properly 'punished'.
What exactly was I being punished for anyway? For saying 'No' to him?
His voice grew hard. 'What did Merle do already?'
'N...Nothin'. I mean he...he...put salve on my back.'
I could sense his body relax again.
'Come on, take it.' He pulled me onto his lap and held me there while he forced the white pill into my mouth. I planned to hide it under my tongue and spit it out when he was gone but he must have read my mind because he held my nose until it went down.
He held me there a while and stroked my hair.
'Daddy didn't want to do it but when ya bad, ya get punished.'
I said nothing, it was best to stay silent to his crazy ramblings.
'Ya know that...we're Dixons.' He often used our family name to try and justify to himself the sick things he did to me. But then, again I was so damn tired and hoped that I hadn't O.D'd on the drugs or that they wouldn't react with each other...Merle had told me what could happen if you mix, especially if you didn't know what you were taking or what was in it. And I didn't even know what they had given me!
'Dad...I'm pretty beat. Can I go to bed now?' I kept my voice normal – that's what you were supposed to do with crazy people and I didn't want to antagonise him anymore.
'OK, son. I'll let ya get some rest.' He gave me a fatherly kiss on the cheek before he tucked me in.
I immediately rubbed hard at that place his lips had touched and spat on my hand to clean it, wishing I could have a proper wash as soon as he was out of sight. I was reluctant to sleep although I couldn't keep my eyes open because I didn't trust the sick fuck not to come back and mess with me again, whatever he told me. But there was virtually no pain and I was sleepy.
The other half of me was almost wishing that the drugs would kill me until I thought of Merle. Imagining never seeing him again, leaving him alone to go on without me...I couldn't do that to him. I just had to believe in him that one day he would save up enough money to get us away from Dad. Or maybe Dad would slip up like he'd almost done today and Merle would see.
….
Daryl
The next day went on much the same like they did these days except he only forced himself into my mouth once and raped me a couple of times – I called myself lucky. The rest of the time, he supervised me doing my chores with a whisky glass in his hand and slapped me if I made a mistake or did them too slowly because of the pain from whipping. The pills had worn off by then and I didn't know where either of them kept them. Believe me, I tried to find them whenever the asshole let me out of sight for a few minutes.
In the evening, after we finished the macaroni dinner I made, he force-fed me another white pill and forced me to cuddle with him on the sofa to watch a family show on TV.
Unable to stop myself from dozing off, especially when he ran his fingers through my hair and stroked my side lazily under my clothes even though I hated his touch now with a passion, my thoughts turned to my absent brother. What would Merle do if he found out I was gay and that Carl didn't have to force me? By then, I had convinced myself I was. Even after I kissed Eric, I hadn't even known I was gay for sure but my teacher soon proved the truth to me. More than that, I'd never felt desire to do the things to girls that the boys in my class boasted of doing in the locker-room except to Andrea. And then there were the weird feelings I had recently developed for my brother... but I quickly shook my head to stop my thoughts running off in that particular direction.
How was I going to tell my brother that I liked guys? I could never tell him the truth that I liked him apparently that way too. He hated fags! He thought Rogers had raped me and I didn't dare tell him the truth. That I had liked the things we'd done together – I'd even made the first move most of the time. Flirted with him shamelessly!
I suddenly snapped fully awake when my father announced, 'Let's go to bed, son' and leered down at me suggestively. Gathering my wits to me quickly, I asked him if he wanted a whiskey toddy beforehand and he nodded to my immense relief before he released me.
I made him a strong one using as much of the bottle as I dared and came back and gave it to him. Believe me, I did think about putting poison in it like the drain cleaner under the sink but didn't have the guts to do it.
'I'm jus' going to the bathroom first.' I told him and he nodded to give me permission.
I went upstairs to relieve my bladder but I didn't go downstairs straight away even though I knew he was expecting me. But I still kept an ear out to see if my plan had worked. Again, I was relieved when I didn't hear him call me and when I dared to come down a few steps on the stairs and strained my ears, I heard him snoring in front of the TV. Hopefully, he was drunk and wouldn't come up to mess with me later on but I didn't really believe that.
Yet somehow, I knew that Merle was coming back tonight – don't ask me why, so I crawled into his bed to hide from Dad. I took in his smell – even the sweat mixed with the aftershave he always wore and this comforted me as I hugged his pillow to me. I could even imagine it was him hugging me back in his bed.
Sure enough, a couple of hours later I guessed by looking at his alarm-clock, my big brother came stumbling in after I fell asleep briefly.
'What the fuck?' He belched when he saw me there. 'What ya doin' there?'
'Ya late.' I accused him even though I was beyond overjoyed that he'd come back apparently early. 'Dunno, must have slept-walked in here.'
'Don't lie to me, Darlena. Has he been hittin' ya again?' He leapt at me without warning and pulled back the covers. Started pulling up my shirt until I slapped his hands away. It should have hurt but Dad had given me the painkiller or whatever it was.
'Jesus, Merle!'
'Only checking ya over, baby brother. Keep ya hair on! Well, has he?'
'No...'I reluctantly told the truth, recalling the few relatively light slaps he'd given me when I was doing the housework. 'But...he...he...'
He frowned at me.
'What does he do?' His voice grew soft, confidential.
I shook my head unable to say the words. 'Nothin'.'
'Fuck, Daryl! Every time I ask ya it sounds like ya about to tell me somethin' but ya clam right up again! It's the reason I came back here as soon as I could because I don't want to leave ya alone with him. Not even for one night if I can help it. What the fuck's goin' on? Why did the asshole bite you and tie you up the other day?'
'He... He…' My chest hitched and I badly wanted to tell him but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. 'He…Nothin'.' I started to getting out of his bed but he looked at me strangely.
'Where do ya think ya goin'?'
'Back to my bed?'
'No, ya ain't. There's still somethin' ya ain't tellin' me, ain't there?'
'No, Merle. Leave it.'
'I don't believe ya but I'll find out one way or another. Get back here.'
He'd climbed into bed by this time and beckoned me. I must have looked reluctant because he motioned to me again.
'Come on in. I've kept my clothes on and you can too.' He laughed mockingly but this didn't match the glint in his eyes that I couldn't quite identify.
'What? Ya serious?'
'I said so, didn't I?'
He didn't need to tell me twice as I jumped in with him after taking my shoes off. I lay there besides him hopefully (hoping for what I didn't really know) until he wrapped his arms around me in a quick bearhug. 'Ain't gonna let him hurt ya.' He mumbled sleepily into my hair.
I nodded and he let me go but how I wished he hadn't before he turned his back to me. 'Go to sleep.' He ordered.
'Merle, please don't go away again, please. He's...he's fuckin' me.' I finally managed to whisper but only into my pillow when he was already asleep anyway.
