Chapter 63: Mishap
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Merle
I grabbed the pills in a hurry and wasted no time as I walked into my little brother's room where he was sprawled out on his bed. I knew he was lying in the best position for minimizing the pain after Dad's latest assault.
I hadn't been there, of course – was trying to close a deal but I'd failed. The other party hadn't been interested from the start and were not even willing to negotiate. While I was out, our 'gentle' father had decided to take advantage and 'punish' my teenage brother.
'Here take these, you'll feel better. Fuckin' bastard, why did he say he did it this time?' I handed him the pills from the stash I had failed to sell.
He eyed the pills while mumbling; 'He don't need no excuse. Just got it in for me…He…' His voice trailed off sadly and he shuddered as if he wanted to say more but couldn't. I badly wanted him to finish his sentence but he never did and I hate to admit it but I was partly glad he didn't. Maybe I couldn't handle the full truth then and I hated myself for it later.
'We'll see about that. Hang in there while I think of a plan, can ya?'
'Easy for you to say. Where were ya, today, Merle? Ya left me!'
'Come on now, don't be like that.' I wheedled but he still looked pissed off. 'I was tryin' to make us some money to get out of here. Business is slow, ain't my fault and I'm doin' my best. 'Sides, he knows he can't hit ya any more if he wants to avoid a trip to hospital.'
He snorted. 'Well, he obviously don't! Remember the cabin when he smashed ya face in? Ya didn't stand a chance! And he punishes me for it!'
'I'm sorry.' And I was as my cheeks burned at the memory. 'But I was drunk and high! I had this bitch of a hangover – one of the worst I ever had from the night before!'
He snickered with disdain. 'I'm sick of your stupid promises that you never keep! We ain't ever gonna get away from him until I kill him and that's if he don't end up killing me first!'
I drew in my breath sharply when he said that.
'Sh…I'll get us out of here soon, baby brother. I swear it, this time. Jus' hang on a little longer until business picks up again.'
'No! I've had ENOUGH and I don't believe ya no more! It's been over 3 fuckin' months! Ya don't have the guts to leave him or the will-power not to drink, snort or smoke all our money away! And ya been gamblin' again, don't deny it!'
'Daryl…' It was clear that he'd lost all respect for me and I was willing to do anything to win it back. See the love and admiration for me shining back in his eyes.
I even briefly contemplated killing Dad.
His shoulders slumped and he added quietly, all anger at me gone apparently and fuck knows, I deserved it and more, 'I…I… can't take it anymore, Merle.'
'I know.' I went over and rubbed his shoulder but he flinched. 'Don't touch me there, Dad!'
'What?'
His eyes flickered and he seemed to come back to the present. 'Hurts, is all.'
'I got somethin' for that. Here. Take these.' I handed him the pills. 'Got water?' I asked as I handed them to him. He nodded and pointed behind him towards the bedside table where a half empty glass stood.
I left him to it since it was very clear that he didn't' want me there even if he didn't say it. So, I went to my own room instead and flipped through an old porno in boredom. I undid my flies quickly but was forced to do them back up again at the sudden terrible realization and I sat up on my bed. In any case, my hard-on quickly deflated with my almost painfully pounding heart and to my horror, when I checked my drug stash in my bottom-draw, my worst fears were confirmed.
I ran towards his room.
'Daryl! Don't take those!' I prayed that for the fifteen minutes that I had left him alone he'd done something else instead of taking them. But judging by how much pain he was in even if characteristically tried to hide it, I very much doubted it.
I could clearly hear him getting up from his bed and moving the dresser from the door before opening it. No need to ask him why. It was obvious even if we had just heard Dad go out during the daytime unlike him.
'Why? What's wrong with 'em?' He looked up at me in puzzlement.
'Did ya take them?'
He nodded.
'How many?'
'Both.'
I brought my hand to my face in alarm, cursing my own stupidity. And I had been sober!
'Fuck, I fed my kid brother ecstasy.' I mumbled more to myself than to him.
'Ya did what?!'
'I didn't mean to! If I wanted to drug ya for a joke, I would've given ya something less dangerous than ecstasy. Fuckin' X! How ya feelin'?'
'OK so far ya stupid ass!'
He walked right back in and slumped onto his bed and then he got this scared expression on his face – the same one he had when he was 5 and Dad was getting ready to use his fists on him. 'Do ya mean I might die?' His voice started to rise in panic.
I badly wanted to go to his bed and put my arm around him but judging by his earlier reaction, I didn't dare. 'No – sure ya won't.' I laughed but even then, I wasn't sure.
Then he got up to his feet almost hesitantly before he grabbed me and hugged me hard, giggling at the same time in a sudden change of mood and damn, it was good to see a smile on his face again. Even under these circumstances. I wasn't stupid, I knew it was mostly the drugs making him do this because he'd been so pissed at me before. But still. He'd been down lately and jumpy too - flinching at nothing. Mainly though when Dad was around.
'What's all this?' But I was smiling despite my worries. Hey… Ya OK?'
'More than OK.' He clung onto me and I lowered us to the floor. Even though I was scared shitless for him, I had to admit that I was enjoying this new, happy and affectionate Daryl.
'I jus' fuckin' love ya so much, Merle. Even if you ain't always there. When ya are, you don't let him… don't let him …' He suddenly frowned, unable to finish his sentence.
'Don't let him do what, baby brother? Beat the crap outta ya?'
He was still frowning and trying to get the words out but then he shook his head.
'Don't matter.' He said. 'I'm feelin' better now.'
'Yeah, sorry about that...I know how ya feel about drugs...'
He shrugged. 'Well sometimes they're good.' He giggled and wrapped his arms around me and got up into my lap.
I felt the hard-on return. What the fuck? I thought to myself. I wasn't getting turned on by my own baby-brother, was I? No way! That was sick. I tried to avert my thoughts.
He hugged me closer and buried his face in my neck and I couldn't deny that I liked it when he was being like this. Usually he wasn't very touchy-feely, particularly lately. I was usually the one to steal a quick hug from him if anything.
Yet Dad had always coddled him, punished him just as much too and I'd seen them when they didn't know I was around. Dad holding him on his lap like he was a fucking baby, no matter how big he got, stroking his hair, saying he was sorry and calling him all sorts of sissy baby names. I'd felt jealous at first but then I realised that it was probably because he lost our mother so young and later, what happened with that shitbag Mike. His own best friend three years ago.
Couldn't blame Dad for being protective and it was almost like this with the youngest kid in a family. The baby got away with murder, I knew that. Yet, I couldn't really say that of Daryl. Anyway, God knows I was the same as Dad, maybe even more ruthless than our father when it came to protecting Daryl. Unbidden, the tear-stained faces of Mike and Carl came to me then and I heard them screaming and pleading with me not to do in vain. Right before the end, they were begging forgiveness far too late. They had hurt my under-age, teenage brother and I would never have let them off easy.
I shook my head, trying to clear it. Even so, I wondered not for the first time who had been the worst pervert. Mike had been about to rape my sobbing and terrified 13-year-old brother when Dad said he burst in at the very last second to save his innocence. Even so, some little detail still nagged at me about his account but I didn't dwell on it. It was too disturbing.
Rogers on the other hand, Daryl's math teacher, had a different way of operating. Daryl had even lied to us to protect him and denied that the bastard had ever hurt him. So, the scumbag was a little more subtle than Mike? He'd still manipulated him when he stayed at his place when I wasn't around to protect him from our father. I didn't forget either that it was Rogers who had assaulted Daryl first, groping and kissing him when he was only 15 or the rumors that had always circulated about his fondness for underage boys in his class. Still, no-one had dealt with him until me and I made sure he would never be a danger to young boys like my brother ever again. Even if he did wake up from the coma I had put him in like they said he would, he would be irreparably damaged.
Daryl's skittishness didn't stop Dad though and whenever I saw them together, dad always seemed to have his hands on him. When he wasn't beating the living shit out of him, that was. I cursed inwardly when I looked, really looked at my brother sitting in his lap just then. Thankfully the bastard had left most of his face alone this time and only a swollen split lip and a lightly bruised blackeye was to be seen but I hadn't checked the rest of him. Judging his reaction when I had only touched his right shoulder, there were more bruises under his clothes.
He looked right back at me, his eyes full of trust again and they had this look that was similar to how he used to look at me before. A look between adoration and admiration. But I didn't fool myself, it was probably on the drugs mellowing him out and the feeling of warmth and safety he got from me while I held him like that.
Like Dad used to, my mind whispered.
Getting in the mood and wanting to prove myself to him that he could really believe in me and that I was going to get us away to start a new life with no Dad, I stroked his hair. He responded by sighing in contentment and even buried himself further into me, like he couldn't get close enough.
'Let's get ya into bed, how about that?'
He tensed up then. 'No... Don't...'
'What?' There was just something about the tone in his voice that had me frown with worry. I gently peeled him off me to look into his eyes.
'Jus' not tired, is all.'
'Come on.' I shook him gently. 'Ya givin' ya big brother a dead leg.' Among other things. What else he was currently giving me, of course, I didn't say.
'Uh...OK.'
'Can ya walk?' I asked even though it was only a few steps from the floor back to the bed.
He got up reluctantly. 'Think so.' But I noticed his legs were wobbly.
'Here, better drink some more water.' I handed him a full glass and he downed it greedily but missed a few drops that dripped down his chin. Tutting, I wiped them away with my thumb while he looked at me with those big, trusting eyes that nearly made me come undone. I told myself I wasn't like those perverts – that I would never hurt him but even then, I wasn't sure if I could always resist at least pecking his lips when he turned me on like that.
'Come on.' I knew I'd have to help him to his bed properly. We got there and he just stood there in front of it, swaying slightly. I knew the signs of an O.D. and it seemed like he would be OK if I stayed and looked after him, waking him up to drink more water.
So, I peeled back the cover. 'Get in.' I ordered him.
He eventually managed to but chuckled when he nearly fell out of the bed.
'Get in ya klutz.' I gave him a shove and then tucked him in like he was five again before I got up to go.
'No...' His eyes flicked fearfully towards the door. 'I don't feel so good...can ya stay awhile, please, Merle?'
I tutted and sighed but secretly I was pleased that he wanted me and when he snuggled up to me after I got on top of the covers, I smoothed back his hair. 'Go to sleep.' I ordered him. 'Merle's got ya, there ain't a thing ya need to worry 'bout.'
He closed his eyes obediently while I continued to stroke his hair but he soon opened them seconds later in a hurry when our father slipped in almost undetected. Something about this gave me the chills because was he used to doing that? Why? I stared down at my little brother when he cowered back against me looking at Dad with wide eyes full of fear.
I didn't know what the hell was going on or why he would be so scared of Dad, even with the past beatings. He had never reacted that way before, even when I shielded him during one. I automatically put my arm around him when I sensed his heart starting to race with panic.
'Well, ain't this sweet. Both my sons together sharing a little brotherly love. What did I tell ya, Daryl?'
Now I felt him bristle with indignation instead. 'He's nothin' like ya, asshole.' He snarled back at our father furiously.
Dad's face went red in fury and he got up and close to us but I made a barrier between him and us with my other arm. 'Back off, Dad...he don't know what he's sayin'. High as a fuckin' kite – took my E's instead of the painkillers...'
Dad looked at me then. 'Fuckin' idiot! What did you do to him?', he hissed at me and cuffed me hard around the head. I didn't care, I was just glad that he was taking his anger out on me instead of my brother especially when I recalled Daryl's words that he was being punished because of me. Even so, I could feel him cower back when Dad loomed over us. 'Why did ya give him anythin' at all?' Our father continued to rant.
'I made a mistake, is all and he's gonna be OK.'
'Ya sure about that? He's a lot smaller than you. What if he has a bad reaction, jus' because his big brother's a worthless piece of junkie shit?' I could see the wheels turning around in his head as he looked down at Daryl who if he could have moved any closer, would have been in my lap.
'Maybe we should get 'im to hospital...' He added, his voice rising in concern.
'Already told ya I know he's gonna be OK. I know an O.D. when I see one. 'Sides, I made him drink plenty of water and I'll make him drink more. Probably, he'll just sleep longer – an extra day or two.'
'He's gonna be out of it for an extra day or two!' Dad started to yell in rage.
'Dad, calm down. Ya frightenin' him.'
Dad sighed and made his way around the bed to get a closer look at my brother. I glanced at Daryl in surprise when I heard a small whimper escape him with our father being so near. Why the hell was he acting like that? Must be the drugs… And what were they talking about anyway, that I'm nothing like our father?
'Dad, think ya should back off some, he don't like ya bein' that close. Think he feels trapped or somethin', I told him.
'Yeah, maybe. But's he's sure snugglin' close to ya now, ain't he? Any closer and he'd fall right into ya lap.'
I frowned. 'What's that 'sposed to mean?'
'Just sayin'. You're holdin' on to him mighty tight, too.
'At least I ain't hurtin' him.'
'Say that again in one or two weeks, son.'
I stared at our father, unable to figure out what he was getting at – it all sounded vaguely sexual to me or was my dirty mind imagining things? When Daryl whimpered after Dad finished speaking, I felt him bury his face into my shoulder and let out a little groan of despair.
'Look, would ya mind leavin' us alone, Dad? He'll be alright, I got this.'
'He better be.' Dad hissed at me. 'If somethin' happens to him...I'm gonna flay the skin off ya back with my belt. Slowly.'
'Yeah, yeah.' I turned away from him and cuddled my brother closer, noticing how badly he was trembling, something else he was doing more and more lately too. Dad left us to it as he stormed out and closed the door none too quietly.
'Relax, baby brother. He's gone. Jus' you and me now.'
He whimpered again and fuck knows, as a Dixon I should have put a stop to it but I knew he was not himself.
'Hush, now. He won't be in our lives for much longer. And when we're gone, we are gonna have such a great time and spoil ourselves rotten. Leave all this shit behind us. Think about it - all the hot girls, nice food and beer we can manage.'
I sensed rather than saw him smile at this image.
'Yes, Merle.' He said in such a trusting and submissive tone it had me shift my lower half away from him a little to hide my excitement.
'Sweet dreams, little brother.' I kissed the top of his hair.
He made a soft noise of assent and clutched my sides with both hands, making me even more uncomfortable.
I lay there as he fell asleep, wondering how I was going to control my willful body while I cursed myself for feeling this way about my 16-year old brother.
It made me no better than them.
