Chapter 67: Drugs work in mysterious ways
After his sick threats, true to his word, he frog-marched my brother up the stairs and ordered me to follow. Merle was terrified, I could see it in his eyes even though he only grunted in pain when the bastard sadistically twisted his arm even further up his back. My brother wasn't even fighting back but Dad just had to make a point and show us that we weren't in charge anymore.
'Hurry up and follow ya brother, sweetheart', he crooned back at me, looking slyly over his shoulder.
Maybe I should have held back for my brother's sake since he was the one with the knife at his throat but my fear and rage took over then: 'Don't fuckin' call me that!'
'I'll do whatever the fuck I want.' He snarled back and ominously added, 'To both of ya. 'sides, me callin' ya names ya don't like will be the very least of ya little problems today, BOY!'
Merle was unable to speak but I could sense his protective rage directed at our father.
But he was unable to do nothing.
I tried but couldn't stop scowling at the old asshole's back as I reluctantly followed them upstairs or keep the suspicion out of my voice. I so badly wanted to know what he was going to do to us. 'Why's that?'
'Said I got big plans for you boys. Especially now Merle knows.' Of course, he didn't tell us a damn thing. Probably, he was going to make Merle do stuff to me like he'd threatened to hundreds of times. Worse, the sick fuck seemed really happy now my brother was in on the act instead of being worried.
He contemptuously released Merle when we got to the door (of course he chose my bedroom) and gave him a little shove inside before he dragged me by my arm further into the room.
He read my mind. 'Jus' in case ya were thinkin' of escapin' – you even dare to try and I'll gut him like a hog.' He announced coldly.
Naturally, I'd been hanging back hoping to escape while he was busy controlling my brother and I could feel Merle's rage on my behalf turn into fear.
Yet he still didn't even turn around to confront him or say anything - just seemed dazed or in shock. Probably was. Merle! I screamed at him in my head. Fucking do something!
Merle turned around then to face us as if he had heard me and backed a little closer to the bed and I saw with relief that he seemed to be coming gradually back to himself. He suddenly poised like a bowstring – the muscles in his arms were standing out taunt and I felt something inside me respond – down there – even at a time like that. Obviously, he was getting ready for a showdown although he hadn't uttered a word since we got there.
'Here. If it makes you feel any better, you give it to him.' Dad threw a small object at him too quickly for me to see and Merle nearly missed it.
'Give me what?'
They were both ignoring me like I wasn't there and Merle burst out after looking at the small object his hand: 'Ya kiddin' me?'
'Not at all. Wouldn't be the first time ya gave him ecstasy, would it?'
Merle's shoulders slumped with guilt and he looked down at the ground when Dad reminded him of the last time – when he gave me an overdose by mistake. The sly old bastard really knew how to get to us and that was the worst thing about it. Knew exactly which buttons to push to subdue us.
I started to tremble when I realized that this would all turn into one shitty little evening for sure and shifted on my feet uncomfortably as I saw my brother shake his head determinedly.
'Don't make me do this, just don't.' I hated the pleading tone in his voice. He had given up!
'Save ya breath for later. Think this is bad? Both of ya'll be fucked up completely once I'm done with you. I'm gonna make ya do what ya always wanted to him, Merle. Should thank me.' Dad shot him a sarcastic, knowing little smile that didn't reach his eyes while his mouth twisted into that knowing sneer I hated.
'No! I won't! I don't see him that way! I ain't no queer! Ain't a pervert like you, neither!'
Dad chuckled and raised one eyebrow disbelievingly. 'Sure 'bout that, son? I know ya like it rough.'
'Can't ya pay a couple of whores or if ya want – even some rentboys if that's ya thing - to put on a show for ya instead? I bet they'd make worth ya while.'
'Where's the fun in that? And why should I pay? Never paid that little slut (he pointed at me jeeringly) over there. Just wanna watch the two of ya … together.'
'We're brothers, ya asshole!'
'No need to tell me that. That's what that turns me on the most. Same when I fuck him – we share the same blood and it will ya too, guarantee it.'
'You're fuckin' sick! We ain't gonna do it!' We looked at each other in surprise when we shouted the exact same thing at the exact same time at him.
'Ya both talk like ya have a choice in the matter. Ya don't. Merle – ya don't do what I tell ya, I'll kill ya precious baby brother right in front of you and make ya watch – same goes to you, Daryl. So, feed him the drugs before I really show my nasty side.'
'Ya mean ya could get any worse?' I couldn't help but stupidly blurt out. The stinging blow to my cheek didn't come as a surprise at all, but Merle always reacted like it was the first time he'd seen it happen and pushed dad away from me with surprising force even though he wasn't the one holding the knife. 'Don't touch him!'
'Then I suggest ya get to it, before I touch him in a different way! A different way ya won't like.' He giggled like an imbecile. 'Or maybe you would, Merle.' He added. 'Do ya want to watch instead if ya too pussy to do it?'
Horrified at the prospect, I gripped my brother's sleeve from behind where he was shielding me from Dad. 'No, Merle, don't let him!'
They both ignored me. 'I can't believe ya gonna make us do this. Ya don't think ya sick? Should turn your stomach inside out.'
'All imagining you two together does to me, is make me hard.' He glanced wistfully down at himself.
'You're just sayin' that to mess with our heads. Not like it's not enough for you already with what you've done to him!'
Dad pointed down towards his crotch and grinned. ''I'm havin' way too much fun to have a guilty conscience. Already done the damage, might as well carry on and enjoy it now.'
All the while I just stared at them with growing horror. Dad was looking as smug as ever while my brother spared me sidelong, fertive guilt-stricken looks. It made my gut clench to say the least and Merle looking scared was a rare and omnious sign. Plus, his unwillingness to stand up to Dad more – like he'd resigned himself to what we would have to do made my heart sink. And what would he make us do, exactly? Probably make Merle fuck me.
I shuddered inside because maybe there was some truth in what Dad was saying – accusing him of wanting me and it wasn't just to fuck with our heads. But then what about my own feelings for him? I couldn't deny those any longer.
My brother was scared shitless. I'd never seen him like that in my life and we'd been in some pretty dangerous situations not just with Dad. Not even when he cut us or burnt us and I knew things were going to go downhill really fast.
'Fine! Jus' give me the pill!' I snapped, just wanting this shit to be over as quickly as possible. Maybe also wanting something to help me block out what was happening or going to happen.
Merle opened the baggie and stared down at his open palm for a second before his questioning eyes met dad's hopeful ones. Dad tossed him another. 'What's this?'
'It's both of ya fuckin' Christmases all come at once. Ya didn't think I would leave ya out, did ya?'
Merle didn't answer but continued to stare down at the pills – my blue ones still in the baggie in his hand. I stole a look over his shoulder, but I was none the wiser.
'Mmm. The magic blue pills. Ya so used to shit like them, I thought I'd give ya 3. They're for you, Merle.'
'Why the fuck would ya give him E and me that shit?!'
'Isn't it obvious? Think about it for a second. Ya remember how nice and affectionate he got from your little accidental overdose? Kind of like he used to be in my fantasies. Willing.' He mused wistfully and his eyes went off into the distance and I swear the bulge in the front of his pants (not that I meant to look there) got bigger as I watched. I quickly averted my gaze in revulsion.
'You're sick! I ain't never been willin' – not once with you!' I spat at him, suddenly able to find my voice again. He didn't lunge at me like I expected but Merle growled and pushed us back further against the wall just in case.
It didn't matter what I said. He ignored me and carried on with his sick plan. 'You want him all lovely-dovey. Told ya, I want to see some real romance, boys!'
I listened to all this in disbelief. I would have clung to my brother again but somehow I didn't want to be near him now even though he was only protecting me. Because something told me he wasn't so reluctant as he was making out. Maybe it was how his sideway glances had become less fertive but more approving when he thought I wasn't looking or his unconscious, almost impercipitible nods of the head to what Dad was ordering him to do.
'I ain't gonna hurt him no matter what ya say! Or what ya threaten us with!'
Dad laughed. 'Who said anythin' 'bout hurtin'? Son, after a few minutes of both of ya taking that shit, ya won't have to.'
'This is fucked-up!'
'I planned it. What to give him and what to give you and he doses. Don't worry, take 'em and you'll soon both be relaxed enough to do anything I tell ya to do.
'I got some morals left, unlike you, ya know! Ain't gonna do nothin' to my little brother!'
'I still got the knife, not to mention the gun in the middle-drawer right over there.' He glanced meaningfully at my chest of drawers in the corner and I cursed myself for leaving it for him in such an obvious place. We didn't have a chance in hell of getting away from him without him making us do something to each other. Mentally, I tried to steel myself, for what was coming but it was useless.
'Fuck…' Merle turned to face me. Looking just as helpless and lost as I did. He quickly stroked my cheek and I wondered why he did that. Or why it made me shiver but not with fear despite my earlier misgivings.
'All right then, here goes nothin', hey, little brother? Open up and stick out your tongue. He won't let us leave otherwise.'
I angrily snatched my pill out of his hand and popped it right into my mouth. 'Can take it myself!' I glared daggers over his shoulder at my crazily chuckling father. If you could call him that.
My brother just widened his eyes and stared at me with jaw hanging.
'Merle, don't be stubborn, you'll take that one even if I have to force it down ya throat.' Dad was getting impatient now.
He shook his head one last time before locking his eyes with mine and reluctantly taking his. All three of them. I saw a whole range of emotions in that one stare. Guilt was always present and easy to pinpoint but there was also fear, hesitation and something else I couldn't quite identify. Surely, it wasn't anticipation? No, I must have been imagining the way he was looking at me the whole time. And the times before and misinterpreted his little touches that had lately got more frequent.
Yeah. Must have.
Dad interrupted my thoughts on the way my brother was looking at me as he chuckled happily: 'Well, now we'll just give this a few minutes, won't we boys? Why don't ya be a gentleman for once, Merle and kiss ya little brother first? Maybe I won't even make ya do anythin' else tonight.'
I didn't believe that for a second and we both took a step back from each other involuntarily and just stared at him.
'Sick fuck', Merle cursed under his breath and suddenly grabbed me in something akin to panic: 'Look, let's just do it. It ain't so bad.' He moved closer and whispered in my ear so that our father could as he added; 'It's only a stupid kiss. Don't mean nothin' and it could be a lot worse, he's high after all. We don't ain't got a choice.'
I pushed him off me and lowered my voice to a harsh whisper. 'No. We do, Merle. He ain't gonna stop there – ya heard him. Anyway, there's only one of him and two of us – let's make a run for it.'
Of course, the old fuck heard with his sharp hunter's ears. 'Are ya willing to risk that, son?'
'I ain't talkin' to ya!' I spat at him, then I felt my brother's hand on my shoulder holding me back, but he was also hugging me closer. My face flushed as I could clearly feel something hard against the small of my back. He immediately let me go as he felt me tense up.
'Yeah, sorry 'bout that…' He mumbled sheepishly before he abashedly rearranged his jeans. I quickly looked away, desperate now to believe with all my being that all this was just a horrible nightmare and I would wake up soon.
'Don't apologize, ya need to take care of that.' Dad smirked at both of us and settled himself in a chair next to my window which he opened and grabbed a smoke from Merle. He was also blocking our exit. I couldn't help the shiver that went through my body as his eyes deliberately sleazed their way up and down along me slowly.
'Drugs havin' any effect yet?'
I narrowed my eyes and backed off a little away from the both of them. 'No.
'Give it a few more minutes. Feelin' a bit sorry for ya brother, though.'
'I'm all right.' But he clearly wasn't. He was uncharacteristically jumpy as if almost afraid to move.
'I bet ya are, knowing the treat in store for ya.'
'Shut the fuck up.' Merle snapped back at him.
'Don't make it any less true, now does it? Ya can start by makin' yaselves comfortable on the bed. Help set the mood.' He chuckled. When we just stared at him in answer, he crashed his fist into my bedside table, making the ashtray bounce up in the air. 'Give him a kiss, NOW, Merle!'
'Fuck it, come on. Let's just do it.' Merle moved his mouth towards me and closed his eyes expectantly but I shoved him away! 'No!'
'Maybe he needs a little more time, Merle. If he don't let ya – say in 5 minutes – 'cos my dick can't wait that long, I'll give ya another E to give to him.'
'No! Don't!' Merle blurted out in fear. 'He's too small and ain't used to them! Could kill him!'
Dad seemed unconcerned. 'Then I'll give you a blue pill for him like you took – to relax him.' He shrugged.
'Get on the bed, BOY!' He barked at me without warning before Merle could reply. I could tell how scared he was for me by the deep furrow between his eyebrows.
I tried but I was unable to make my feet obey the rest of me. However, I soon got the motivation when Dad threatened: 'Either do that, or you'll get ya brother off givin' him the same treatment ya gave that lucky banana at breakfast the other day!'
Merle's eyebrows shot to the roof when he mentioned that but he said nothing. No protests, nothing. Still, I was glad he didn't, Dad was in a really sick mood, more perverted than usual. He had only told us to kiss, so far, after all.
No big deal. Then why did I feel sick to my stomach? Him watching was the worst.
Merle settled himself with his back against my headboard – the very same one Dad liked to tie me by my wrists to when he fucked me.
'No – on second thoughts, skip the kissing.'
But you said…' Merle started almost timidly, completely unlike him. Shit, the drugs must really be kicking in. Where was his fire?
I knew I was fucked. Or going to be very soon.
I should have expected Dad would change the rules at the last moment.
Take off ya pants, Merle but keep yours on, Daryl, and start touchin' him – down there where it feels real good. I bet ya good at this shit even if ya ain't been with a boy before.' He chuckled and tilted his head at my brother quizzically. 'You ain't, have ya, son?'
'Shut up, bastard! Leave him alone!' I yelled at our father and was ignored by both of them again like I wasn't there.
'No, I fuckin' ain't touched a dick before. Why would I? I like pussy.'
I flinched a little at that as the nice memories of Eric and Rogers assaulted me then and closed my eyes.
To me, the bastard said, 'See how kind and generous I'm bein' to ya, sweetheart? Makin' him go slow with ya and lettin' ya keep ya clothes on.'
'I ain't touchin' him like that.' Merle seemed to have found his sassiness again at last any heart rose a little from where it had descended into my stomach. 'No! We ain't doin' nothin' for you!'
'Don't argue with me, boy!' Dad roared at my protesting and blushing big brother. Seriously, I'd never seen his face ever go red. There seemed to be something wrong with his hands too because he cursed loudly as he fumblingly undid his pants. He still defiantly didn't them completely off and for once that bastard drooling over us didn't care or didn't notice. I was just grateful for any small mercies right then.
Hardness-alert. With much coaxing my brother got me to sit next to him.
'Fuckin' hell…' He signed. 'Ya ready?'
I took a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes tightly, I couldn't make myself look at him or what he was doing just then. Not even as I felt his hand gently trace the outline of my dick through my boxers over my pants. He was hushing me too at the same time to try to stop me breathing rapidly in panic.
'Just keep goin' son, he'll need a little more time for sure. Didn't get the same pills or the dose you got. But he'll warm up soon enough – just wait and see.'
'Yeah, maybe he will if ya jus' shut up!'
'Fine, for once you're right. I'll shut up and just enjoy the show. Wouldn't want to distract you.' He mocked.
He was right, too – only after a short while of Merle's expert touching, and I was hard. He was breathing heavily by now and it was clear he wanted me to touch him right back although he hadn't made any other move.
Tentatively I let my hand take a solid grip around his dick and opened my eyes, cause damn he was hard as hell. Dad clapped and cheered, his own excitement clear in his ragged breathing and I just knew even without looking that he'd got his own out and was touching himself. Sadly, I knew this from experience.
'That's it, boys. Go at it!'
I stupidly opened my eyes which proved to be a huge mistake because then I was then confronted with the fear and want on my brother's face. Gradually, (I put it down the E) the worst of the fear and shame faded away and I started giving him the pleasure as he returned the favour in full.
During this dad was silent and watching us with greedy eyes except for his excited breathing and I could hear him stimulating himself with his own hand. I guess Merle could too but didn't look back at him or react. Right then in that moment, it was just him and me. I did my best not to think about the pervert.
Merle nudged me when he noticed where I was looking. 'Try to block him out, baby brother. I know it's sick what we're doin', but at least I ain't hurtin' ya.'
He moved even closer to me, giving me better access. 'Ya for sure ain't doin' nothin' I don't like.' He breathed out softly next to my ear, filling my stomach with butterflies. I knew better than to blame everything on the drug that was now flooding my system and making everything dance and tingle inside. I also couldn't deny that I had fantasised about my brother touching me like this but of course not in front of that creep crooning at us and praising us. noises he was making that he was approaching his edge soon. Recognising them made the old feelings of terror return as I was suddenly assaulted by the memories of my him on top of me, pinning me down, fucking inside me and I opened my eyes in panic to see my fingers curled around my own big brother's dick.
He hushed me. 'Don't look at him or think about him. Pretend he ain't there. This is jus' between you and me.'
His words actually helped me to calm back down and let the pleasure he was giving me take over again. After all, like my brother had said, doing this to each other, sick as it was, wasn't actually hurting me. Not like Dad always did, anyway.
'Gonna come soon…' I mumbled beside myself in horror and shame at odds with the desire I felt for him. My own brother!
'Yeah? Not that far off myself.' Not meaning to, I thought about the creep watching us and wondered what was taking him so long.
Wanting to badly come and at same time not wanting to, I was going to come at the hand of my own brother – no pun intended. I couldn't help the little noise of distress that passed my lips as the guilt and shame suddenly overwhelmed me making Merle hug me closer to him.
'You're doing good, baby brother. Just a little while longer. It'll be over soon.' He whispered against my hair. 'Just keep on doin' it to me a little while longer.'
I briefly closed my eyes at his soothing voice, amazed at how safe he could make me feel – no matter what went down. He probably felt as bad as I did but was still intent on making it as easy as possible on me. For a few seconds, I was able to drift off, close my eyes and imagine it was Andrea doing it to me. Imagining Eric or Rogers at that moment was just too sick.
He added a hissed out 'Fuck' snapping me back to reality of what we were doing. I couldn't deny the sparks of pleasure shooting down my spine as his clever fingers worked on me, no matter how much I tried. At some point earlier, he had worked his hand down the front of my pants and was touching me directly. Although it was also clear that he was holding back the entire time, probably to keep me from freaking out completely, which I was close to doing already even while I enjoyed the ride of intense pleasure he was giving me.
I did manage to keep it down when I finally came to not give Dad any satisfaction but couldn't stop a few moans slipping out. My brother was surprisingly considerate too, letting me ride it out before he gently nudged me, reminding me of his own release that by the looks of things was quite urgent.
When my fingers wrapped around his dick more steadily, he leaned back and closed his eyes. His arm still held me close to him and he patted my back reassuringly now and then. He'd been right about not being far off according to his own gasps and moans and he came with a cry all over his stomach as he squeezed the covers of my bed at his powerful release.
A powerful release that I had given him and I couldn't help feel proud at that fact even as I was dying of guilt and shame inside.
Unfortunately, the asshole watching us also came at exactly the same time as Merle just like he'd timed it. Maybe he had teased himself and slowed it down so he could. Probably. I didn't put anything past him. I'd been so focused on my brother and enjoying what he was giving me that I had forgotten to listen out for him. Now he was clapping at us like a clown and grinning wide.
'Told ya, Merle, ya wouldn't hurt him. Not yet, anyway. Should've listened to me.'
He had his shit all over his stomach like he'd imitated my brother on purpose. Still grinning, he grabbed one of my clean T-shirts from the chest to wipe himself with and then threw it contemptuously to the floor. It was second favourite – a cool black one with AC/DC on it that Merle had bought for me when he came back loaded that time. I wondered distantly if I could ever bear to wear it again, even if I put it in the washer a hundred times.
I eye-balled him with loathing and disgust but he didn't react. At least he didn't 'punish' me for it, probably because he was happy at what we'd done and Merle was there, with his arm around me protectively. I could sense him staring at our father with the same emotions but also trying not to look at him, if you know what I mean.
'Hurt him not yet? Merle roared back and held me tighter as if to reassure me. 'What the hell is that 'sposed to mean? If ya think we're gonna do anythin' else for ya, ya got another think comin'!'
'Calm the fuck down, son.' He smiled gently at him. 'All I meant to say was ''Well done, boys and thank-you''. Just as I knew it would be, it was well worth the wait and all the planning. I'm glad ya know now.'
Merle just stared down at his own release and mumbled curses under his breath.
'What was that, son?'
'Said I can't believe ya jus' made us do that. And in front of ya, too!'
'Better believe it. Be happy that was all I made ya do. Ya do well to remember that, ya ungrateful little shits.'
I bit my bottom-lip to keep myself quiet, knowing for a fact that he was just dreaming up the next stage. Some unbelievably new sick and twisted thing for us to do just for the hell of it and it would end in the inevitable. Yet the E coursing through my system made me take a more detached and philosophical take on it. I wondered how Merle was feeling.
Our father shot a devilish smile at the both of us before he thankfully left. I was surprised and relieved that he seemed to think whatever he planned could wait until later.
Before he exited the room, he turned around to look at us one last time and added: 'Merle, you'll have a busy night for sure, what ya decide to do with him is entirely up to you.'
'I'm still here!' I yelled back in rage. He was talking about me like I was a pawn or a toy or something.
'Got some self-control, ya bastard.' Merle glared at him.
He closed the door just in time as my legs gave out under me, all my emotions had built up and it all became too much for me to handle. Merle caught me before I met the floor with a crash though but I slapped his hands away scrambling away from him! 'Don't touch me, Merle!' Suddenly afraid of his intentions.
'Easy, don't mean nothing by it.'
'You don't get it! This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me!'
'Hey now, none of this is your fault, little brother. It's all him out there. Come on, this, what we just did, don't mean nothin'. Don't think about it.'
'Easier said than done.'
'I know. We didn't have a choice in it. We both know we would never do anything like this if it weren't for him.'
I shook my head feeling the panic creeping up inside me. 'Don't ya get it, this is just the fuckin' beginning!'
'I won't let him make me hurt you.'
Afterwards, I wonder why we just didn't take our chances and leave right then and there. We could have done. Dad must have known it but I put it all down to the drugs messing with our systems that we didn't even consider it at the time.
'Won't let him get to ya.' He insisted and hugged me close to reassure me, and in a way it did.
'Want first dibs on the shower?' He mumbled against my hair before giving the top of my head a kiss.
I nodded absent-mindedly, my thoughts were spinning around in my head too much for me to give him an answer. What the hell just happened? What did we just do? What did it mean for us now?
If I hadn't heard dad shut his own door, I would never have left my room alone but I shot out of there like all the demons in hell were chasing me. Maybe they were after what I'd just done. In any case, I just needed time away from my brother to sort out my head and get my stained pants off me and feel clean.
As clean as I could. Lord knows, since he started on me, I never felt really clean.
I wondered if I ever would again.
After locking the bathroom door, I sank down against the tiled wall and just let the hot water run over on me. I was in too much shock plus dazed from the pill to let myself really feel anything. I just sat there staring ahead of me, not really registering what I was looking at. Yet I couldn't keep that up for long as I snapped out of my trance soon enough when I started to lather myself up. Against my will, like the way your tongue keeps going back to a painful ulcer in your mouth, I found myself going over the whole thing in my mind again and again.
I couldn't blame Merle, especially after the way Merle insisted on still acting like a big brother afterwards and holding me, doing his best to make me feel safe no matter how fucked up it all was. I loved him for all that at the same time, I knew that something was bound to change in our relationship after that just as Dad had intended.
I shuddered at the thought of the next thing he was going to make us do and hoped what we had was enough to withstand being messed up and torn apart by the pervert previously known as our father. I washed the shampoo off as I prayed that me and Merle were stronger than that.
I walked right back into my room with a towel around my waist. Feeling a bit calmer, I closed the door, in a way I was surprised to see that my brother hadn't moved from the spot where I had left him fifteen minutes ago.
I eyed him up and down quickly and sighed. His erection had reappeared, it was the drugs I knew that and he couldn't help it. However, this knowledge didn't make me feel any better as I unconsciously tightened the towel around my waist. 'Shower's all yours. You can have some fun in there, bro.'
'I intend to.' He winked at me, almost leering.
