Dear Ms. Marple,

I'm writing because my SO sometimes says rather disturbing things. He had a very harsh and dangerous upbringing, so some of his ideas and beliefs are a bit twisted (compared to the average person, that is). But the other day we were strolling through the local park, when I noticed that some of the trees were just starting to turn into their Fall colors. I pointed out the inherent changes, namely the oranges and reds, and he got this weird look on his face and said, 'the orange ones look like they're on fire, but the red ones look like freshly spilled blood.'

And then he got that look on his face- you know, the one usually reserved for the bedroom?

Should I be concerned? He's been violent before, but that was back when he was 'under the influence,' so to speak, and his demons were exorcised over a year ago.

-Twice Smitten But Once Stabbed

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Dear Ms. Marple,

My yadonushi doesn't understand why the color of fresh blood is a turn on. What's wrong with him?!

-Mostly Unreformed

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Dear Ms. Marple,

My partner-in-crime is confusing me to no end! He's frustratingly inconsistent with his demands, and it's driving me mad! He claims to love our BDSM routine in the bedroom, but then he and his siblings get furious when I try it anywhere else! They were all screaming about being 'in the general public' yesterday, and I called bullsh*t, because we were in 'The General Store', not 'The General Public!'

They also get mad when I try to use the restroom while we're out. They even claim I'm doing it wrong (wtf?!) and keep saying stuff like, 'we have to leave before the police get here!' Excuse me, but I should think I'm allowed to use my own private bathroom, thank you very much! Every store has one just for me, and all those weird women screaming and fleeing are just terrified because I caught them using my personal commode! The silhouette figure on the sign clearly has a cape on, and not one of those fools was even wearing one! Ridiculous!

I'm also not allowed to kill the siblings, and I'm generally dissuaded from killing anyone else. Again, this makes no sense; since killing my SO's father was one of the nicest things I've ever done for anyone. Even he admits it was for the best, so why does he doubt my judgment when it comes to all the other *ssholes we run into?!

He also got really angry when I got him a knife for Valentine's Day. I thought it was a romantic show of protection, but somehow that wasn't what my SO saw. I even spoke to that accursed thief later on; and he said that while it was a good gift, I probably should've cleaned all the blood off of the blade first. Which seems absurdly nit-picky, even for a deviant as high-maintenance as my beloved.

Overall, I still love him like the Pharaoh loves himself, but sometimes I wish I had thrown more people off that ****ing blimp.

-I Promised to Wear Pants in Public, What More Do You Want?!

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Dear Ms. Marple,

I used to run an international criminal organization (long story), but now I'm going into my twenties and I've been trying to settle down. I was raised in a literal hole-in-the-ground, alongside my siblings and my current partner (we're not related, we just look almost absolutely identical). Growing up in the middle-of-subterranean-nowhere wasn't easy, but then my insane cult-leading father decided to torture my older brother for letting my sister and I escape for a day. My SO took over everything and stabbed him to death, so now he equates 'stabbing' with 'freedom' and other positive things.

I'm grateful that he protected me, but I'd like to limit the number of charges filed against him every month to a single digit numeral. How can I convince him that I don't need his protection from pushy salesclerks in the same way I needed from my deranged dad?! He sees everyone else as a threat to us, but just because I make a living playing a popular children's card game doesn't mean I'm still a child!

-Confused Criminal

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Dear Ms. Marple,

My SO is super competitive. I mean, we both love games and share a passionate 'rivalry', but sometimes he really takes things to the next level. Recently, one of our neighbors showed me a massive engagement ring (very likely stolen) and declared his intention to propose to his other half. Now, this guy is my SO's oldest 'rival', and of course my partner just happened to overhear this little speech. So now my guy is trying to figure out how to buy me an even larger rock, despite the fact that we've never even discussed getting married before!

Am I being too sensitive? I know he means well; but sometimes I think his upbringing as a highly privileged, personal deity to thousands of adoring citizens has influenced his overall logic. He's got a bit of a complex when it comes to his pride and reputation, and it sometimes puts us at odds. Like that time he gambled with his own soul just to prove he could win a card game, and I almost had to sacrifice my own to save him. Not exactly his proudest moment, but he seemed to learn something from it at the time.

Some would probably call his repeated need to compete a 'gambling addiction', but sadly, he really is that good. He's won the title 'King of Games' before and I don't doubt he could earn it back if he really wanted. But since he hasn't ever tried... hmm. Maybe his competitive spirit does have its limits? If he's willing to gracefully accept that I've taken his 'throne' (so to speak), then perhaps he really has changed...

EDIT: Nevermind; I just remembered how the last time he got drunk, he ended up loudly challenging the neighbor's cat to a staring contest. But I guess I still come first in his heart, and that's all that really matters to me.

-Game Boy Pocket

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Dear Ms. Marple,

Do cats even blink?!

-Requesting a Rematch

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