Daryl

The next day passed as normal (or at least what was considered to be as close as normal in the Dixon house). Merle had started on the drugs and booze the minute he woke up, not that I could blame him. He looked like shit with his skin all pale, dark rings under his eyes and was as twitchy as hell. He'd offered me some of his stash but I'd only taken a beer to settle my nerves, thinking no doubt that later I would regret turning him down.

Dad forbade Merle to leave and made us a brunch of sausages, hash browns, onions, bacon and eggs. A real treat if I could have eaten it with my stomach churning. Our father had gone to the store while we were still sleeping to buy it all. Completely unlike him and he was putting on a good act for the Father of the Year Award but neither of us were fooled. He was clearly very happy with us and the fact that his secret was out. He beamed at us and let us know in no uncertain terms he was expecting a show later that day. It was ironic and twisted that this was the only way we could win his approval.

He scolded me when I only picked at my food and ordered me to eat all of it, to 'Keep up ya strength, 'cos ya gonna need it later, BOY!'

'No, he ain't. Not in the sick way you mean. Leave him alone if he don't want to eat.'

Merle glared at him and pulled me close and ran his fingers up and down my tight sleeve since he couldn't get at my bare skin like I knew he longed to. Hadn't he been touching my bare skin whenever he had an excuse for weeks now?

Dad nodded, pleased. 'That's it, boys. Carry on gettin' closer, Merle, and break him in gently, if ya prefer. Or did ya already fuck him last night?'

I shuddered and my brother refused to dignify his sick question with an answer.

'Well, son? Did he go easy or did ya have to pin him down? Like I have to? Did he whimper and beg for mercy when ya rammed it inside?'

That did it. Merle got up in fury, his washed out complexion suddenly finally showing some colour.

'He ain't a fuckin' mare to be ridden, ya know!'

'Ain't he?' Dad smirked at me, then mouthed at me, 'Ya were last night.'

'Fuck you.' I snapped tiredly back. I hadn't had a chance to tell Merle, couldn't face it anyway and did my best to hide the marks when he bit me in 'passion' despite my original plan.

'We ain't doin' nothin' for you so better forget it, old man.' Merle backed me up.

'That right, boys?' He sneered at us but I could tell he was taken aback.

'Yeah. Come on, Darlena.' My brother spat out his last bite meaningfully onto his plate and pulled me up with him.

But then Dad lunged when we had our backs turned with the rapidness of a preying mantis and seized me in his claws. Before either of us could react, he reached behind and grabbed a steak knife on the counter and held it to my throat. I immediately froze and so did my brother.

'You ain't goin' nowhere and ya gonna do exactly as I say. Merle – you leave this room and I'll kill him. Ya know I will.'

What could we do? We didn't have a choice but at least he only supervised our chores – Merle's was repairing shit in the yard and mine was cleaning the house. After that, he made us to share a spliff with him and I knew Merle was sneaking off to his room every chance he got by pretending to need the bathroom to get high. By early evening, a drugged up and very boozed up Merle was sitting next to me on the bed.

Daryl

After a dinner of squirrel stew and fried potatoes with bottles of beer, he ordered us to move upstairs. Merle was pretty out of it and kept touching my hair, to fool Dad that I was 'his' plaything now. Tracing my nose with one finger, letting it slide down across my lips, then down even lower to my chin. While doing this, he nonchalantly hummed a tune that and I vaguely remembered hearing at our local sorry piece-of-shit diner.

But there was some other meaning to those touches of his. Like he was making sure I was really there and that we were actually sitting on my bed and this wasn't all a dream. I was pretty mellow myself and I wasn't feeling particularly frightened.

Not then, anyway. Maybe I should have been more.

'Merle, hold that thought. Gonna get us some drinks. Sittin' talkin' like this makes ya thirsty, don't it? (we hadn't done any talking) Ya want somethin' to drink too, boy?' He directed the question at me and I nodded slightly.

'What ya want? Beer?' I nodded again, still stubbornly refusing to speak to him. 'Don't do nothin' 'til I come back. Any of ya try anythin' and I'll fuckin' kill ya both."

We both knew he was deadly serious.

He smiled at us as he left the room and went out backwards. Like he didn't want to miss one second of the tableau playing before him and I could see that he was half hard all ready.

Damn the bastard.

As soon as he was out of the room, Merle clenched his jaws together several times, making me realize just how high he still was. I started to feel a growing sense of alarm because how out of control was he, actually? He must have sensed my fear because he turned to me then and repeated his promises. 'I ain't like him. Never hurt ya last night, did I? Ya know I wouldn't, don't ya? Wouldn't ever hurt ya that way.'

I shrugged like I didn't care.

He grabbed me by the shoulders then. 'Why didn't ya tell me what he was doin' to ya before? I tried askin' ya loads of times!'

I shook him off angrily. 'Cos I couldn't, that's why! It was too sick and he threatened to kill ya if I told. 'Sides, ya were mostly off ya rockers most of the time, didn't see shit that was goin' on right in front of ya own face.'

'Yeah,' He flushed guiltily. 'But…'

'I even tried to tell ya in other ways like in the cabin but ya junkie dumb ass still didn't get it! Then, when ya did catch us together, ya laughed and left me 'cos ya thought ya were hallucinatin'!'

'Maybe but I came back for ya with my gun, didn't I?'

I turned away and folded my arms across my chest and even if he was tryin' to sound casual like he didn't give a shit, I could see the guilt written all over his him. He ran his hand through my hair and down my back and despite my anger, I shivered.

He didn't seem to notice. 'Don't worry, we'll get through this, I'm not gonna let him do nothin' or hurt ya again.' But he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me.

Our brief respite came to an abrupt end when Dad walked back in with a six pack, with 4 beers already primed open, and a full bottle of vodka. Well, almost full – no doubt the bastard had been swigging from it already. He was certainly being very generous today.

'No need to hurry, we've got all night, boys.' He leered at me. 'And girls.' He added. Bastard licked his lips, making me shiver but not in the same way my brother's touch had and avert my eyes.

'I gotta relax a while so I'll jus' watch and join in later.'

'Ain't never gonna happen…' Merle half-rose from where he was sitting with his fists clenched.

Dad chuckled happily. 'Ya mean ya fuckin' him or me watchin'? Sit back down!'

Merle growled with eyes flashing death-threats at our father but reluctantly did what he was ordered to.

'I really did a number on ya brother last night while ya were lyin' all snug in bed, lost to the world, Merle. Jus' couldn't stop myself after you had him to yaself all night. He done wore me all out.'

'That's gonna be the last time you ever get to fuck me, asshole!' I yelled back, knowing that he wouldn't hurt me – or at least not too badly with my brother sat there. Merle snarled but made no attempt to get up again.

Instead, the fucker's grin only grew wider and he sniggered as he no doubt recalled humiliating me even more than usual. Then, quick as lightning and without warning, he grabbed me and planted a kiss on my cheek to show us just how happy the memory from last night made him. Then, without warning, he ripped my woolen sweater off me. I sensed that he would rather have my bottom half bare but this was more difficult so he made do by licking his top lip and eating the upper half of my body up and down with his ravenous eyes.

I shuddered and Merle's eyes flashed with fury for a split second, before he looked at me with more guilt. I could read his mind – it was one more time that he hadn't been there to stop it because he was out cold.

Sleeping while Dad fucked me, again. He just couldn't keep his promises to protect me but I did feel sorry for him.

Nevertheless, he was careful to put on his characteristic expression of unconcern and defiance whenever he looked at Dad. Turned out my big brother was quite the actor.

'I also wanted to check that he wasn't hurt. Did ya get rough with him, Merle?' He mocked.

Like you care, I thought angrily to myself but followed Merle's lead and refused to take his bait.

My brother's face flushed with anger at the baseless accusation but he looked away.

Dad grinned and motioned us to get down cross-legged on the faded gray, threadbare carpet while he did the same. Merle decided to sit down carelessly between my legs and leaned back. Dad handed us our open beers and sat down close to me while I leaned as far away from him as I could.

But with a small, sly smile all over his face, he roughly grabbed me again with one hand and made me sit up, closer to him. Meanwhile, he hugged the bottle of vodka with his other arm.

'Ain't this nice and cosy, it's been a while since we did this, huh, boys? Talkin' together, all three of us. Drink up ya beers.'

But we weren't talking – it was only him who was talking at us but he didn't seem to notice our lack of response. Or more likely, he just didn't care.

Merle stubbornly got up and handed me a blanket from off the top of my bed.

Dad snarled accusingly at him, 'Now, why would ya go and do somethin' like that for? He don't need it – in fact, the little whore don't need no clothes at all.'

'It's fuckin' freezin' in here! 'Sides, he won't drink his beer sittin' half naked like that. If I know my baby sister Darlena, she's shy.'

'Fuck ya, Merle! I ain't ya fuckin' sister and I ain't shy!"

Dad laughed then, and shook his head. 'I guess it's OK. All ya clothes'll be comin' off later anyway, won't they, sweetheart?'

He gave me a meaningful look before he raised the bottle: 'Well, cheers, boys... Oh, well.' He laughed seedily when neither of us moved or shared his joviality.

The tension that was inside that room was threatening to choke me, but I seemed to be the only one who sensed it. They, on the other hand, both began to get dreamy and glazed expressions on their faces.

The situation was clearly very different for them.

Merle was already onto his second beer of the evening, anyway. I didn't like the smug look that was all over Dad's face, but I didn't give it much thought. I drank up the rest of my beer and tossed the bottle across the room lazily.

'Hey, what ya think ya doin'?' The bastard scolded me.

I shrugged, and pulled the blanket closer around me. 'Give me another.'

'That's right. Preparing ya sweet self mentally for what's to come, are ya?' Dad winked at me and gave me a lop-sided smile.

As if he knew something we didn't or was expecting something to happen soon.

I shuddered.

'We're not going the whole way in front of ya. Merle won't do it.' I glanced at him but was not reassured by what I saw. He appeared even more dazed and not with it. Certainly not reacting to what was being said. From 2 beers tonight? Was it with added the combination of whatever shit he'd been sneaking off to take?

But I was increasingly finding it harder to focus. I vaguely recalled 4 of the beers had been already opened. Why? Merle had guzzled down 2 in huge gulps already.

Did the pervert spike our drinks? Why? So he could make us do stuff to each other like last time and eventually persuade Merle to rape me?

Had Dad opened a new one? I put down my second bottle in a hurry without swigging from it.

I would normally have felt more terrified but was finding it increasingly hard to gather my thoughts together.

'Huh.' Dad mocked. 'We'll see about that, won't we? And don't fool yourself, it is going to happen. Ain't nothin' ya can do to stop it. Anyway, ya gonna get yaself get out of this? Ya trapped. And watch ya pretty little slut-mouth. I can put it to better use if ya want.' He licked his lips and leered at me.'Jus' keep on arguin' with me, boy.' He threatened.

He reached over, to trace my lips with his forefinger, causing me to lean away from him while Merle narrowed his eyes. When I saw him do that, I felt the hard lump in my chest ease a bit because probably he was acting more drugged than he actually was. All the shit he'd been taking in huge quantities all those years must have made him at least partly immune.

'Ya behave, and I'll tell him to go easy on ya. Not that I care. Every time I get my hands all over ya sweet little ass, I jus' wanna fuck ya to death. Ya can bet ya big brother ain't gonna go easy on ya this time, don't ya doubt that. Rough ya up real good, even more than me, I'm sure.'

I closed my eyes and tried to block him out. Also because watching Merle sure didn't make feel any better. He was staring into his beer bottle as if making sure to get the very last drop.

Then he straightened his back. 'He's been very mouthy with me these past days. So no, Dad, there won't be any sweet-lovin' tonight.'

My eyes opened at that. Desperately hanging onto the fact that if Merle was putting on a show, he was awfully convincing.

'Don't ya got nothin' to say, son?'

I shook my head at him and was rewarded with a slap to the back of my head at the same time as his other hand traveled down my stomach to hover above the waistband of my baggy-pants. Merle's pupils dilated at this and he muttered a low and dangerous: 'Don't.'

The knot in my chest grew smaller even more. He wasn't totally out of it then.

Dad smiled at him: 'What ya botherin' protectin' him for, Merle? He's jus' fine. He's used to much worse.' He sniggered at me. ''Sides I'm trainin' him for ya. Makin' him know when to talk and when to keep his pretty little cock-sucking mouth shut. We can go further than jus' the little hand-job last night.'

'I can handle Daryl.' Merle muttered matter-of-factly.

I blinked fast a few times at this. They were discussing me like I was a dog that was out of control. That I was supposed to bark when they expected me to, and 'handle' me like I was a snarling, stubborn Rottweiler, Goddamn them!

'I'm sure ya can.' Dad took a few swigs before he put it down on the floor.

It all made me suspicious but I didn't know exactly what to think. Usually Dad guzzled his booze – the asshole practically inhaled it. Now it was like he was waiting for something and unnecessarily drawing things out.

I thought I knew it was and trembled involuntarily because I knew it wouldn't be good.

But I didn't know how tense I really was until Merle got up from the floor and leaned over me, making me leap out of my own skin in surprise and fear. He shot me a look of sympathy before he belched loudly, 'Jus' gonna take a piss.'

His eyes locked on mine instead as he added: 'Dad, don't touch him until I get back. I want him for myself again.' He smirked at me.

Dad nodded at this, while his smile grew wider as Merle's footsteps faded. He got up next to me on the bed to stroke my cheek, almost affectionately. 'How ya feelin'?'

I drew back from him instinctively. 'What do ya care?',I snarled at him.

'Feelin' any different? Calmer, more willin', maybe?'

'Fuck off! I'll never be willin'! Not with you, anyway!'

He guffawed then grew serious. 'But maybe later with ya big brother…'? His words trailed away and he was staring at me hopefully.

I felt the heat rise both on my face and in a very different place when he asked me that particular question. I turned away to hide it but he grabbed my chin and turned it gently towards him, forcing me to look at him. He seemed very happy with what he saw.

My panic grew then at the distinct sounds of Merle throwing up coming from the bathroom. I frowned and tried to get more space between us, but Dad reached behind me to grip my neck and prevented me from moving.

'Get the fuck off me! You heard what he said!'

'Now, now, don't be like that. I'm only calmin' ya down, gettin' ya ready.'

'Merle!' I screamed.

This time he was by my side in no time at all, even still had a bit of toothpaste on his cheek. Why had he been brushing his teeth, unless…unless…? I didn't let myself finish that disturbing thought.

And looked on the funny side. He was always sloppy at brushing his teeth and toothpaste went everywhere when we were little, on the sink and sometimes on the wall and mirror.

Having had no toys to speak of, we used whatever we could and Merle would mess around in the bathroom and make a beard out of toothpaste. I would laugh myself silly when he did that.

I frowned again, annoyed at myself. Why did that (happy) memory just come to me then? I suddenly felt a shiver go through my entire body. Why was I so touchy? I closed my eyes. From two beers and a couple of shared spliffs between 3? I knew I could handle beer. Something was off. But I couldn't place it. I looked at Merle, hoping he would calm me down with a look or a few words. But no, Merle was focusing on Dad at the moment.

'Get ya filthy hands off him! I said, don't touch him, didn't I?' Merle commanded him,now with a warning snarl in his voice.

'Calm down, son. It's not like I was hurting him.'

'For once. But ya put some shit in our beers, didn't ya? I don't need no more drugs. I'm high as a fuckin' kite already. What did ya give us?'

'Too late, it's already in ya systems.' Dad smiled slyly. Then he added,'Gave both of ya the same 'cept I gave him 2 of them big blue pills earlier. Make him all easy for ya.'

'2? Why did ya give him so much? Ya don't know what effect it could have on him as well as that …What exactly did spike our drinks with, you sick fuck?' Merle was furious now and demanding answers as he advanced on our father.

'Surprise.' Dad grinned.'You'll find out soon. Jus' ya wait.'

Dread filled me. Drugs? I had never touched anything stronger than a joint or Merle's pills a few times. Not including the E he gave me by mistake because one look at the state of my older brother put me off the hard stuff completely. But something told me that whatever Dad had slipped into my drink was a hell of a lot stronger than a spliff. Or any of those.

Merle clenched his fists, but said nothing.

'Daryl?'

Something in Dad's voice made me fully alert. Knowing full well that if I didn't keep alert, Dad was gonna hurt me. Or worse - hurt Merle because I wasn't the only one in the room he could hurt anymore.

'Merle – get back on that bed. Daryl - lick that toothpaste off of ya brother's face, would ya?'

We both stared at him dumbstruck. 'What?' We asked simultaneously before Merle started to frantically try to rub it off.

'Don't!' Dad barked at him. He had no choice but to immediately stop.

'Don't ya act like ya didn't hear me. Get up on his bed, Merle!'

My big brother shook his head, looking confused as he did as he was told. Mentally I was screaming at him, wondering why he was putting up with this shit and refusing to do it.

If he didn't fight back, I had no chance on my own!

I made myself swallow my pride and slowly moved closer to him and put my trembling hand on his shoulder.

Merle flinched slightly, which made me grimace at him because what the fuck was he flinching about?

'Jus' do it, baby brother. Don't mean nothin'.'

'Do it!'Both of us jumped at Dad's sudden impatient outburst behind us.

My tongue soon made contact with Merle's cheek and I automatically closed my eyes. Merle's breathing hitched slightly and I could hear him muttering "Fuck fuck fuck" under his breath. I drew back in surprise.

But what really made me curl into myself was the way Merle was behaving. He hissed every now and then and gripped my hand on his shoulder. I couldn't tell if it was his way of offering comfort or if he wanted to control the fucked up situation or both. But it didn't sit well with his tense body. Like he was fighting something.

I wasn't feeling all that great myself. My thoughts were all over the place as I licked off the last of the toothpaste. I suddenly lost my breath and felt a heat rising on my face that for once wasn't shame.

'Ya okay there, little bro?' Merle gripped my chin and made me look at him. 'Why did ya give him so much? He could overdose..'He asked our father again, glaring accusingly. 'He ain't gonna fight.'

'He can handle it.'

Merle looked at me again with worry in his eyes. 'Come on, lie down. The worst will probably wear off in a while.'

'I didn't say nothin' about lyin' down, boys!'

The threat was clear in his voice as he shifted excitedly in his seat.

'Now, stick ya tongue in his mouth, Daryl. Kiss like two sweet little lovebirds.'

He'd told us to kiss before in front of him but then changed his mind, and I also remembered Merle slipping his tongue into my mouth last night – however briefly. Wasn't such a big deal, there were lots of things far worse than that he could make us do. But Merle looked downright terrified.

'Now!' The bastard barked. I closed my eyes and inclined my head slowly to my brother's. Then his lips hesitantly met mine. 'Put some feelin' into it! What's the matter with ya?'

Then I felt Merle's arms slip behind my back in a hurry, stroking it soothingly as he deepened the kiss.

'That's it. He's an obedient little whore, ain't he, Merle?'

He didn't pull back enough to answer more coherently other than a long, outdrawn 'Mmmmpf' into my mouth. His tongue played with mine, and my cheeks flushed like fire upon realizing the fact that we were indeed kissing like lovers. We were strangely in synch with each other.

Even though the situation we were in was beyond sick, I couldn't help but feel that familiar sense of being safe when in my brother's arms. And I was overcome with the need to shelter in more of that safety that his arms was providing me. Especially with Dad there and I clung closer to him.

Merle greedily, and not so gently hugged me to him. Besides safety there was one other feeling to that hug that wasn't all that pleasant. What was it? Merle's tongue tangoed against mine effortlessly like we'd done this every day. Then it hit me, his grip around me was possessive.

I tried to pull back – just a little, but Merle wasn't having any of that and just held me closer to him so that I couldn't get away. Making my muscles go taut with anxiety while I was being held to him like that – just like with Dad when he was forcing me. And lately, after. However, my brother stroked my back soothingly where Dad couldn't see – to calm me down. Because Merle knew that when we did something that the bastard hadn't first given his permission for (going off script so to speak) nasty consequences were likely to follow.

'Ya doin' good boys. Now I want you to do something different.

Ya already done it, if ya fucked him properly last night, Merle, so it ain't that big of deal. I wanna watch. Don't give me that shit about bein' shy. Ya ain't shy, Merle. I know.' He smiled knowingly, with a glint in his eyes. 'Ya sweet little brother on the other hand,…' His lascivious gaze scuttled along the full length of my body and I turned away in revulsion.

Merle's stopped his smoothing circles he was making on my back as he tensed up again.

I pulled back from him then and stared back at our father, feeling something dangerous was about to happen because Merle didn't get tense for nothing. He had good reason to when he had in the past, usually because of a particularly vicious punishment was imminent.

'Daryl, get over here.'

Merle said nothing, just eyeballed the wall in front of him making me briefly wonder what he was staring at with such focus. Later on, I learned that he did this when he needed to distract himself. To suppress his frustration and anger over the situation we were in. To prevent more pain and hurt coming crashing down onto me by lashing out at our father like he clearly wanted to.

He recognised, just like I did, that tone in Dad's voice that was only used when we had done something he considered particularly bad. Punishment for that was usually him putting out his cigarettes on you.

Or the belt.

Or the knife.

I bit my lip and went over to where he was, dragging my feet across the tiny distance between him and me.

Dad wasn't smoking, so probably no burning today, I saw with relief. Well, kind of. Judging by the look on his face, I was in for far worse than mere cigarette burns. My eyes searched the room, to find any clue for what the bastard was planning but I couldn't see anything. It was obvious, anyway.

He grabbed my arms roughly as he got up to meet me from where he was sitting. 'Get over here. Why were ya moving so slow? Don't ya understand by now that I'm the one who's controlling everything that's going to happen in this room?'

I surprised myself by smiling at him because whatever he'd drugged me with started to kick in just then. Dampening all my emotions including fear.

'Ya scared, boy?'

'Ain't scared of ya, pathetic's what ya are.'

He snarled at that and backhanded me hard across the face. Then he grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and forcefully bent me directly over Merle who didn't even so much as twitch. He dropped his pants, yanked down mine and grabbed a fistful of my hair.

'Now, ya tell me what's goin on in that little head of yours. Ya feelin' scared now? How exactly high are ya anyway, boy? Must be flyin' sky high since ya dare to talk back to me like that.

'Yeah…' I answered dreamily.

He yanked me upright then against his chest. Fuck, I panicked when I realized I was giving my big brother a full frontal.

Yet Merle kept staring at that wall. Resisting the urge to call out to my brother, I squirmed in Dad's arms, but that allowed me the unpleasant sensation of being able to feel the bastard's growing erection pressing into the small of my back. I stopped struggling out of disgust.

I felt like I was going to spew all my guts out at having his disgusting hardness again pressing against me. The threat was clear. 'I get it, I'm sorry. I'll listen to ya from now on.' I whimpered submissively, knowing he liked that.

'Nice try, but I ain't buyin' it. Ya should've realized how this goes by now. How to behave and not mouth off to me. This gonna be real good.'He ground against me to get his point across.

'Get the fuck off me!' I panicked.

This made Merle finally clench his jaws together, and get to his feet.

'That goes for ya too, Merle. Do I have to repeat everythin'?'

'Give him to me.' Merle narrowed his eyes. 'I wanna try something out with this little bitch.'

Leering at me, he licked his lips and his eyes crawled all over me. He looked exactly like Dad! He was so cold and not like the big brother I knew.

I held my breath when he resolutely began to undo his belt.