EDIT: A huge 'Thank-you' to TheCartoonusMaximus for pointing out that I somehow managed to upload the wrong story chapter earlier- my apologies for any confusion! O.o;

Dear Ms. Marple,

It's me again, with another query. My SO recently decided to 'surprise me' with an engagement ring. We'd discussed marriage before, so that wasn't an issue... but the rock was. As my first letter said, my SO's upbringing was quite... turbulent, leading to the development of several bad habits. One of which just so happens to be an indomitable case of kleptomania.

So naturally, I asked to see the store's receipt for the ring. He couldn't produce it. I asked for a copy of the contract he would have signed (for the payment plan) and he insists that he paid cash, in full.

Uh-huh.

I may be younger than my SO, but I wasn't born yesterday. So I told him I'd simply call the store and ask them to fax over a copy for our records- just in case something went wrong, or we needed a service on the ring. He instantly panicked, and eventually admitted to taking a 'five-finger discount'.

This was about a week ago. Now he's furious with me, because I just told him that I sent the ring back to the store in an anonymous envelope (I won't divulge the delivery method I used, but suffice to say, it worked). For some reason, he seems to have taken this as a personal affront to his 'skills.' He ranted for over an hour over how 'ungrateful' I was; and how 'challenging' and 'well thought-out' the whole theft had been.

I then explained that if anyone from the store recognized the ring on my hand, I would likely be the one they would haul off to prison, and not him. This calmed him down somewhat, and he muttered a few random phrases (like 'they wouldn't dare') before falling quiet.

Now he's been giving me the silent treatment for the past twelve hours or so- and while it's a nice break from the ranting, I do have to wonder: what do I do now? I still want to marry him, and a token engagement ring would be nice (if only to keep the creeps at bay whenever we go to a club). But I know how contentious he can be, and I know he'll raise a fit if I choose any ring with a stone smaller than the one he first nabbed. Should I abandon the concept of a ring entirely? Am I expecting too much from my SO (keeping in mind that he's wrestling with the implications of many massive ethical and cultural divides)? I don't need a ring to know where my heart lies, but I'd like something -not stolen- to treasure...

-Twice Smitten But Once Stabbed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My yadonushi is insane. First, he got angry when I gave him a massive engagement ring to propose. He kept going on and on about 'modern surveillance equipment' and 'invisible alarms'.

Right, because breaking dark-magic curses and defying the gods themselves was surely less of a life-threatening risk than facing the wrath of 'Frank' the security guard.

So what does the little fool do?! He sends it back! I cannot even start to fathom at his logic; but for the King of Thieves to be undermined by such a rescinded victory is abominable. If I wasn't so d*mned committed to marrying the little dolt, I'd have mailed him back to the same jewelry along with a note reading, 'they were meant to be a set!'

I was just in the middle of making plans to steal a different ring (I figured I'd do some tomb-robbing this time, to ensure that he couldn't use the whole 'you're hurting innocent people in a small business' argument) when I was suddenly beset by a fierce pain in my abdomen. At first, I thought the gods were finally seeking vengeance on my person, and I welcomed their challenge with a fit of loud laughter.

Turns out, it was some insidious thing called a 'kidney stone.'

(...I didn't even realize mortals could make stones).

Anyway, two days of fun at the hospital later, and the doctor finally shows us a tiny pebble-like object, explaining that I was 'fortunate' in that 'most stones of that size' need surgical intervention. Oh yeah, it was tons of fun, doc. I would have strangled the moron, if I'd had the strength to move.

But then, my little light got the strangest look on his face. He quietly asked the doctor if he could keep the blasted stone, and the doctor bemusedly obliged. I thought maybe yadonushi wanted a memento of the agonizing torture I'd endured the past few days (perhaps meaning to relive the memories the next time we had a big fight). But then he opened his mouth, and said one of the craziest things I've ever heard.

"I think- I want this one." And he gave me a light smile.

Still woozy from the painkillers, I managed to mumble, "what, as a reminder of my torture?"

"NO!" Blushing, the irresistible goof went on. "I want this to be a replacement, in lieu of the other ring." He stared down at the miniscule rock, and added, "I'd like to get it coated with gold, and inlaid in a ring. Like a precious gem."

Now, I know the tomb-keeper's insane, no-longer imaginary friend has told me several times how loopy you can get from taking way too many hospital painkillers. So I asked my yadonushi to repeat himself. But evidently, I hadn't heard wrong. The loveable doofus explained that he was so scared that I was deathly ill (to be fair, it was a ****ing painful ordeal- and don't get me started on the blood) that it made him think back on all the time we'd spent together. The good, the bad, and what lay ahead. What we had, what he would miss if it ended... everything. He saw our entire world in that single wretched hell-stone, and d*mn if he didn't almost make it all sound fitting.

So, I eventually agreed to his outlandish idea, and we're going to a specialist tomorrow to see if they'll gold-plate a piece of my shed bowel for my partner to proudly wear upon his finger.

Anyway, my question is- will they actually let us make a ring out of the wretched thing? I'm curious if this is a common practice in the modern world- it certainly doesn't sound like one to me. But neither of those psychotic tomb-keepers could answer me, and I'd rather pass a second stone than ask the accursed Pharaoh.

-Mostly Unreformed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

I got my SO a statue. Everyone else seems to be getting one these days, and I thought he'd be pleased. But apparently getting 'Mary'd' has nothing to do with those weird concrete ladies you see on people's front lawns. Which makes no sense, because by my estimate there's just about one statue per married household- I counted nine homes on our block, two statues, and only three of those homes belong to married couples (but I've been watching them all for ages, and the last pair will likely break up soon due to infidelity, so they don't count).

Now my SO says I have to put the statue back, and I can't remember which lawn I stole it from. Any advice?

-I Wore Pants to Grab the Statue, What More Do You Want?!

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My SO is an idiot. It's like dating a sexy, exotic, male version of Amelia Bedelia. I'm not even sure what to do at this point, so I'm just gonna put this out there: how do I find out which of our neighbors are Catholic without revealing that he stole the freakin' expensive religious artifact from their front yard?

-(Still A) Confused Criminal

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My big brother is a big pain. He won't let me do something I really want, even though we have more than enough money and the infrastructure to do so. Sometimes, I think he's a jerk!

-Capmon Champ

-321789-0-903-2165-ERROR-

'Capmon Champ', I've hacked this site to post a message regarding your request. While we certainly have the money to fill the backyard Olympic-sized swimming pool full of CAPMON capsules, your plans to 'swim' in it are inherently foolish. It's a simple matter of buoyancy- you'll just sink to the bottom, with no way to 'float' atop the canisters. If you really insist, we can toss a couple hundred of the empty containers on top of the water, but they won't float with the actual game pieces inside. You're acting childish by insisting that you're not getting your way, when in reality it's physics preventing you from achieving this goal.

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

Now my big brother thinks I'm being childish, but he has a jet shaped like an actual dragon. Why am I the 'little kid' when he's designing theme parks and toys for playing Duel8i_n-g=0271354ERROR-=-SITE-UNSTABLE-89598436971- =0289389ERROR-=-SITE-AFT_09CODEC-FAIL-5239971- =027g13j54kERROR-=-