Chapter 19: Week 9
The early morning sunlight shone through his curtains, causing him to roll over in bed with a grunt. His body throbbed at the familiar feeling of dehydration – too much salt mixed with not enough water and waaaay too many beers had what felt like an elephant tap dancing on his temples. Sighing, he silently willed the pain to stop for a few moments. Hangover headaches were the worse. Another stab of pain in his temples made his eyes fly open as his stomach joined the misery party and he barely made it to the toilet. He coughed and sputtered miserably as the contents of his stomach spilled out into the porcelain bowl, reminding him of his failures.
He flushed, wincing at the taste of bile and stale beer as it punished him again.
Sliding away from the toilet, he leaned against the bathtub and held his head in his hands. The night before had been such a spiral of misery he could barely fathom how quickly it had unraveled.
Self-control. He had none. And he hated himself for it. The fleeting feeling was not worth it.
After his pathetic daydream of Katniss as his date to Thresh's wedding, he'd slunk home to his empty apartment and sat alone in the dark for almost an hour drinking the beers from the back of his fridge. Three or four had his judgement severely clouded, so by the time the extra-large pizza and breadsticks had arrived he'd been hungrier than ever. What his brothers adorably referred to as the drunk munchies had taken over at that point, giving him the green light to finish his entire takeout order and keep on trucking. He'd lost count of the beer cans at that point, and frankly, he'd stopped caring hours before that.
The food and beer made him feel weirdly full and empty at the same time, and no matter how much he consumed, the feeling got worse but the need to keep going drove him on.
Lost in a spiral of loneliness and alcohol, he'd stumbled to his bedroom and lay there in a spinning, blurry haze. The last thought he had before passing out was that Katniss would never want a fat loser like him.
He'd never felt more hopeless as he submitted to the blackness the awaited.
Kpkpkpkpkpkp
With a blubbering sigh, she blew her wispy bangs away from her forehead as she tossed the K-Mart bag on the kitchen counter. Gale glanced at it with a shudder.
"It's not cyanide, its underwear," she quipped, trying not to roll her eyes too hard at Gale as she brushed past him. His tiny kitchen was sweltering in the June heat, but she knew better than to comment on something he had no control over.
Opening the fridge with a yank, she briefly scanned its contents before closing it with a slam and moving to the cabinets to pull out their old glass pitcher.
"How can you not have iced tea in the summer?" She asked, pushing her bangs back from her sweaty forehead again. Bags of groceries from their morning couponing haul were scattered around the kitchen, yet neither of them rushed to put them away.
Gale was ignoring her, choosing instead to flip through the pile of mail in his hand while he chewed his thumbnail. He tossed the junk and pinned the bills to the front of the fridge with a grunt.
Sticking her hand in the cabinet, she found the little sachets of Lipton tea without having to even look. Having known Gale for years, she knew his kitchen almost as well as her own. She and Prim had spent hours there growing up, as she and Gale had helped each other navigate through suddenly being single parents in the span of less than a year. Tossing the tea into the jar, she filled it under the faucet and tried not to think too much about that year. Both of their fathers killed in the mine accident, her mother's suicide, and the years-long market run of Gale's mother. Her eyes drifted to the fridge door, where old photos of Gale and his siblings still hung. Faces of her children she had abandoned without ever looking back.
Katniss hung her head in shame as a tiny shred of her understood what Gale's mother had gone through. A deceased husband, a house and bills, four mouths to feed….while she would never abandon Prim, sometimes it was all very overwhelming. They didn't ever discuss it. Instead, they'd helped each other handle it.
She'd spent the morning at the K-Mart purchasing new underwear and training bras for Posy, as Gale had been too mortified to even consider it.
"I can't go in and buy little girls' underwear, that's so weird and wrong and gross, Katniss PLEASE!"
Once full, she slapped a cover on the jar and opened the squeaky back screen door to stick it on the uneven patio step to warm. They both had work later, but she figured they could at least have some iced tea in the quiet house before they had to go. His siblings were at the pool that day, Prim having snuck them in without paying.
She moved to the table and began opening her purchases, readying them for the washer. Gale winced, reaching over to hold up a pink box.
"What're Carefree liners?" he asked dumbly, turning it over in his hands.
Katniss snatched the box from him with a snort, her flip flops echoing down the hall and made her way to the only bathroom to place them under the sink.
"Another thing you won't be able to avoid much longer," she muttered, giving him a pointed look as she walked back into the kitchen.
While she knew Gale wasn't cruel, he was sometimes quite obtuse when it came to women. He nodded, grimacing only slightly. "Isn't she…young…for all that?'
"For a period? No, Gale, she isn't. I got mine at twelve, and Posy will be twelve in August. Better to be prepped for all that," she snapped. Gale looked utterly gob smacked at the idea that his little sister would eventually become a woman. She softened. "I'll talk to her, okay?"
"Thanks…" he grimaced. "Ulgh, I'm not…new subject, please…"
She shrugged and sat down at the kitchen table, propping her feet up on the chair next to her. "Whatever you say…."
Gale's phone chimed with an alert. His face lit up, and Katniss had to try to not roll her eyes. His reaction could only mean one thing – a night of nasty sex with their coworker Jo that Katniss would have to hear about in the days to come.
"Can you babysit tonight?" he asked.
"I guess. Can Posy stay with us? I don't want to leave Effie. Her ex is giving her trouble."
"That works."
Katniss wrinkled her nose. "Seriously Gale? Still with the Jo thing?"
He cackled to himself and typed furiously on his phone. There were another few lively chimes right in a row and she bit back another snort.
"What? I like her. I could do worse."
"You HAVE done worse," she groaned, leaning back in her chair. She picked through the various piles of clutter and mail and junk on the kitchen table before finding a rubber band and flinging it at him. He swatted it away in annoyance before joining her at the table.
"What is it about her that has you so…." She motioned at him, hoping to use his shit eating grin as exhibit A.
He guffawed, shaking his head at her. "I told you, she's cool. Intense, but a lot of that is just at work. We laugh, we fight, we fuck, and then we laugh some more. And….she doesn't care that I'm poor."
She looked up at him at that. Gale's cocky demeanor had been peeled back, leaving him exposed to her. The topic of their two families being poor was always there, but it was rarely deeply discussed. What was the use of it, anyway? They both knew their situations, and vice versa. They'd learned long ago that dwelling on being in poverty didn't help an ounce, so it wasn't something they usually looked at under a microscope. Talking didn't put food on the table or clothes on their backs. Discussing coupons, stretching meals, trading hand me downs…those were nothing compared to the actual way being poor affected their emotional state.
"She doesn't?"
"No," he said simply. "She doesn't."
"So she knows about….all this?" she motioned to the house around them, strewn with proof that Gale was basically a single father to multiple children.
He nodded once, his blue eyes clouded with emotion. "We don't have secrets."
"Well that's…helpful."
"Not like it's easy to hide. Not when I have to be home early to make sure Posy gets on the bus and gets breakfast. Or when I can't afford to take her anywhere nice because my extra cash goes to back to school clothes."
He sighed, his face brightening slightly. Gale never was one to stew.
"She knows my situation, and she's cool with it. She's just a laid back chick who wants simple things, and I can respect that. She wants honesty, good conversation, and to be in charge in the sack. None of that fancy stuff I can't give her. So she likes to smack me around a little in between the shee-"
"Ulgh!" she cut him off. "I don't want to know about it. But….she does get some of my respect for not caring about all this," she replied, picking at the dried Elmer's glue on the table.
His head dipped slightly and he nodded. "It's a lot. But no, she doesn't mind. She's…honest with me, so I'm honest with her. She knows I'm hanging around here til I get Posy off to college, and even then I might still be here. No secrets. She's actually a really cool chick."
Katniss thought back to high school and how cruel kids had been to her when she did something as simple as wear the same clothes a lot. No one cared that they were clean, they only cared that she was out of fashion, out of touch, and generally was written off as trash. Even her teachers gave her a hard time for always coming late and tired and without her homework. She'd had bigger things to deal with at home, but no one seemed to get that. Gale had hid his situation better – he was popular, an athlete, and was generally a charmer that everyone liked. He had a charismatic personality that drew people in. Katniss had never understood that.
"I'm glad to hear it."
They were quiet for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts as the clock on the kitchen wall ticked away.
"How are things going with Peeta?"
She looked up in surprise, her eyes immediately blazing. Of course he'd caught her off guard the other day before she'd had her coffee, but to ambush her again didn't seem fair.
"What do you mean?" she replied flatly. While her tone was relaxed, she knew her eyes had to be giving her away. Gale was a perceptive bitch.
Gale shook his head and grinned. "Easy, tiger. Why so defensive…" he drew his syllables out, his blue eyes sparkling mischievously.
Katniss sat back in her chair and fumed.
How Peeta could have ever thought she'd date her annoying best friend was a mystery to her. Of course Gale was good looking and charming and fun but when they'd met, they'd both been so focused on just surviving that they hadn't had time to develop silly crushes or romantic feelings. Then they'd gotten close enough to realize they were much better off as good friends and nothing more. She knew about his fart battles with his brother Vick and the idiotic way he chewed his food. She hated how slovenly he kept the house and how he moved his lips when he read anything more complex than a comic strip. She just knew too much about Gale to ever see him as more than a taller, annoying brother.
And boy did he know how to play that part.
"So no action? I know you like him."
Groaning, she hid her face in her hands. "Are we suddenly seventh grade girls?"
"As someone who has recently lived with a seventh grade girl, yes, sometimes I have been known to indulge in lady chatter!"
She was quiet for a few moments, but all that did was egg him on. Gale sat across from her, a knowing smirk decorating his features as the silence rose to an uncomfortable point. She flicked her eyes up to meet his, only to discover he was loving this.
Katniss shifted, resting her chin on her palm so that her voice was muffled. "Nothing, really."
Gale's eyebrows rose to his hairline. "So you admit that you like them then?"
"I take that back, you're a sixth grader."
"Oooooh!"
"Leave it alone, Gale."
"Can't I take an interest in your life?"
"Fuck off."
"Language!" he teased. When his jibes and laughter didn't yield the results he wanted, he calmed. "No but seriously, why are you so defensive about liking him? He seems pretty great next to what you usually scrounge up to date."
"Am I gonna have to tell you to fuck off again?"
Gale raised his hands in defeat. "I'm just saying-"
"-I HATE it when you say that-"
"But I am JUST saying," he continued. "What would be so bad about liking him? He seems like an alright guy. He has a job and he doesn't ogle your ass when you walk away from him."
"You really need to get a life-"
"Hey now, I'm just lookin' out for you Catnip. A wise woman once told me 'You could do worse.'"
Kpkpkpkpkp
Peeta spent the rest of the day alternating between his bathroom and his bed, finally puking up the last of his pizza party around three in the afternoon. Head pounding, he managed to drag himself to the shower and stand under the cool water until the throbbing began to subside. To say he felt like an ass was an understatement. He had no right to fantasize about Katniss the way he had and he knew that was a dangerous game to play anyway. His self-esteem had taken off early into the night as it became clear to him he was the fat kid in the wedding party, and with it had gone all sense of self control. The empty pizza boxes mocked him as he carried them out to the trash can on shaky legs, the hours old grease smell left on the box making his stomach roil.
What in the ever loving hell was wrong with him? Why could he not stop the cycle he seemed to be in? He'd been doing so well for so long. Of course it had been a struggle, but he'd known it wouldn't be easy. He'd been taking baby steps for over two months now to get to where he wanted to go. So why did one bad day set him back what felt like a million miles?
He found solace on his couch, absently scrolling his phone as he looked at houses. Looking for a house to buy had him so enthused last week, as had losing almost twenty five pounds. Was one bad night enough to derail this entire journey?
kpkpkpkpkpkp
Katniss was surprised and a little thrown after clocking in that afternoon to find Peeta already on a machine, sweating and puffing away an hour before their session.
"Peeta?"
He stopped, his face bright red and sweat pouring down his brow. He had large circles under his eyes and he was as unshaven as she'd ever seen him for one of their workout days. The blonde stubble drew her eyes to his jaw, and that made her stomach clench and do a nervous flip.
"Oh….hi," he offered meekly, reaching up to wipe the sweat with a towel.
"Hey…getting an early start on me then? What, am I not working you hard enough?" she teased. She tried to smile, but had a feeling she just made it weirder.
Peeta frowned, not meeting her eyes. "I….just wanted to get started. Doing some extra cardio certainly won't kill me," he muttered, his tone sharper than she'd ever heard. He shot a dark look to a nearby mirror, his gaze clearly scrutinizing.
Katniss stepped back, unsure of what she was witnessing. Of course their relationship was a casual friendship, but she'd never seen Peeta in a mood other than shyly pleasant.
"Let's just…gets started then," she offered quietly, picking up her clipboard. "Why don't we start with some cardio since you're already warmed up, then hit some weights?"
For the next forty five minutes, she coached Peeta through some light cardio since he was already sweating, noticing how quiet he suddenly was. He was still polite of course, answering her questions and making a casual comment or question about their workout, but he was otherwise tightlipped.
It wasn't until they reached the weights that he really had her eyebrows raising. Red faced, huffing and puffing as he strained to complete the reps she assigned, she was surprised when he asked for another circuit.
"Okay….I give up. What's wrong with you today? I've never seen you with this much…vigor."
Peeta met her gaze in the long mirror and realized concern was etched all over her round face. She fiddled with her pen as he watched her, her eyes roaming his sweaty form. He placed the weight back down exhaled. He could feel the sweat dripping down the sides of his face and into his hair and he grimaced internally – he had to smell like a bag of garbage by that point. While telling her the entire reason he was upset was simply out of the question, would it hurt to confide in her…just a little?
Not that it mattered. He'd all but admitted defeat when it came to Katniss and ever getting her to like him. The truth came pouring out before he had the sense to shut his stupid mouth.
"I…had a bad weekend. Just…made some bad choices and I felt like I had this huge…backslide or whatever and I just…screwed everything up."
"What…well, do you want to talk about it?" she asked slowly. The look of utter defeat on his face was heartbreaking.
Peeta grimaced slightly, glancing around the busy gym with trepidation. Katniss seemed to sense his hesitation.
"Let's go to the yoga room."
"Well…"
"That room reeks like lavender oil and might hide how much you stink," she attempted to joke, poking his arm with her pen tip. Peeta answered with a weak smile and a guarded nod. Her eyes followed him in the mirror as he shuffled behind her. He was taller than her by several inches, but his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes gave him the appearance of a kicked puppy. She hoped whatever happened wasn't enough to derail his progress. He'd been doing so well.
Once they were alone and inside, she shut the door and flipped on the oil diffuser in the corner, making it spray a warm, herbal smelling mist.
"See? Stink gone."
He smiled, this time slightly brighter. "Thanks," he chuckled.
She took a place on one of the mats and patted the one next to her. Obediently he sat, heaving a sigh. His flushed skin looked a little better in the soft light and warmly colored walls of the calming yoga studio room, but she could tell something was definitely off. He fidgeted for a few moments before meeting her gaze.
"Want to tell me what happened?"
Peeta bit his lip and instantly looked pitiful. She waited for him to start, patiently twisting the end of her braid as she watched him struggle with his words.
"I had a bad night Saturday. My friend got married…"
A pang of disappointment shot through her at the mention of his friend's wedding; the wedding she secretly hoped he needed a date for. They'd talked about him getting fitted for a tux and how it had been several sizes down from what he normally wore, and a tiny part of her had wanted to catch a glimpse of him in it. A small lump formed in her throat as she listened to his tale of trying to not overdo it all night and then falling into his old patterns of late night junk food binges and beer. He'd spent all of yesterday hungover and having a pity party and her heart ached for him. He'd come so far and so see him struggling with food and self-deprecation made her feel like she'd failed him too. Part of her job was to ensure he had the tools and knowledge to fight his old patterns and practice moderation.
"Let's maybe have you talk with Annie before you leave, okay? Maybe she would like to offer some advice if…if you ever…need it again," she offered quietly, reaching across the space between them to grasp his hand.
Peeta inhaled sharply at the contact. Katniss swore internally at how forward she was being. A dumb move, something done before thinking. A jolt of something akin to electricity shot up her arm, making her look at the way her hand covered his. She almost pulled away…until Peeta slowly turned his hand over in hers, connecting their palms. Her eyes flicked up; his were boring into hers, still full of hurt and disappointment. Time slowed as she instead gripped it back and tried to focus on the way his clasped hand felt warm and strong.
She swallowed again, trying to find her voice. They were on the edge of something here, she could feel it.
"What….happened to make you so upset?" she asked in a tiny voice.
Peeta stared at her, his own voice seemingly lost. "I…was doing fine. I did look a little better in my tux than I thought I would, so…thanks," he laughed awkwardly, "I had a good day, I didn't eat any of the cake or the carbs at dinner, I….I cheated a bit and had some scotch," he admitted with a weak smile, "But after dinner as it got later, I…just…."
Katniss was at a loss. He was clearly struggling with something, but wanted to talk about it. While her normal reaction to feeling disappointment with herself was to retreat and withdraw, Peeta didn't strike her as someone that thrived on that tactic.
"Was someone mean to you?" she asked, the memory of the assholes calling him tubby coming back to the front of her mind. She grit her teeth and tried to lower her head enough to catch his gaze.
"No," he stated quickly, shaking his head. He'd stopped sweating and his face was losing some of its ruddiness, but she noticed the tips of his ears were bright red. She tilted her head and admired the angle of his jaw and the way his blond eyelashes touched his cheeks as he blinked with his eyes downcast.
"Well…if no one was rude and you had a nice time…something must have happened," she gently prodded. "I bet you burned a lot of calories dancing."
He sat up slightly, shrugging. "I…didn't really…dance."
She opened her mouth and closed it again, unsure of where to go from there. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she glanced at their still interlocked hands.
"You don't dance?"
Peeta looked up. "I can, I guess. But…"
"You're here now working it off, don't beat yourself up," she said quickly. She tried her best to muster some courage. "Your date didn't want to dance at all? You seem like the type that would get out there and…bust a move," she laughed.
"I uh….didn't take a date. Went solo," he said slowly, suddenly unable to meet her eyes.
"You did? Oh…I….sorry, I didn't mean to assume you had a date, I-"
Peeta shrugged and tried not to let her question bother him. "It's no big deal. I just…didn't really have anyone to ask and so I went solo. It was okay. I was a groomsman anyway, so…"
"I bet a bridesmaid or two tried to pick you up or at least flirt with you."
He laughed and shook his head. "No. Not a whole lot of bridesmaids really want to get hit on by the chubby groomsman, Katniss. I mostly just held their little…girly purses while they had pictures done and walked back down the aisle with the girl I was standing with. That's about the extent of it."
"Oh stop. I bet you looked great in your tux. Well….I would have danced with you."
He looked up at that, his eyes blazing as they met hers. The look he gave her made her shift in her seat under the intensity of it all. He opened his mouth to speak, but was silent for another few moments. Slowly, he unclasped his hand from hers and put it back in his lap.
"I….think I want to continue with our workout now."
OOOH PEETA!
Enjoying the slow burn yet? We have a few more chapters before things get really interesting. I know slow burns make some people nuts, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles here.
I hope you are all staying safe and busy during this strange time. I've been writing a lot, so if I get some responses on this I will try to update within the next few days while we are all taking precautions.
I'd love to hear from you! Hope you enjoyed.
