Dear Ms. Marple,

My SO and I took a trip to a different jewelry store (to ask about possibly gilding the kidney ring) and before we left, he came up to me with a shy smile on his face. He then pulled out a pair of handcuffs, and I'm thinking, 'hmm, something to look forward to when we get back later!'

But no. Yadonushi then pulls out a who-dee thing (you know, those hooded garments with the over-large pockets in front?), shoves it on me, and proceeds to cuff my hands together inside the front pockets!

Apparently he 'doesn't trust me' in another high-end store, and he somehow thinks this will help 'curb temptation.'

...right. Well, we hadn't even gotten to the store and I'd already gotten out of the cuffs without breaking them. So I just kept them in my front pocket, thinking I'd let yadonushi feel like he'd won (this time).

But then we stepped inside the storefront, and who should just happen to be there also; but that insipid, snobbish Pharaoh and his runt of a partner.

So I waited, hands still hidden in the who-dee, while yadonushi and the runt caught up on things. (Apparently the runt had won a few more tournaments, whoop-dee-doo).

Eventually, the Pharaoh asked the salesclerk if he could use the shop's restroom, and I saw the shining light of opportunity growing in front of my eyes. I'd already glanced around the entire building, and the restroom door had a very large handle. Furthermore, the narrow hallway leading down to it had a metal railing running along both sides of the passageway.

I could barely stop myself from grinning, while the ignorant duelist walked past me. So I waited until he'd shut the door, and then I quickly snapped the cuffs over the handle, while clipping the other end onto the railing. This ensured that the door couldn't be opened more than two or three inches at most, effectively trapping the fool inside.

I was thrilled (heck, it's not everyday I get to perform a public service like that!) but of course, yadonushi must've noticed my barely-restrained laughter, and got suspicious. So then he and the runt heard the idiot pounding against the door, and ended up asking the jewelers to use their cutting tools to break the cuff links.

Spoilsports.

So we left, with yadonushi still spouting apologies to everyone; while I sulked. Another victory tainted because oh no- 'someone could've gotten hurt!' (Yeah, right. Like I'd be that lucky).

Anyway, I knew I was in for a lecture of some sort when we got home; but rather than shouting at me, yadonushi actually sounded defeated. His voice was trembling and half-hearted as he explained that he didn't want me to get thrown in prison or deported to who-knows-where over a stupid prank. 'That was technically kidnapping, you know.' Lol, 'kidnapping.' I wanted to make a height joke, but then he went on: 'you need to be careful. Not everyone's willing to drop charges like Yami did. Next time could be end differently.'

We'd gone over this sort of scenario before, and I felt his entire argument could be boiled down to one sharp point:

'You want me to be someone else. You keep telling me not to be me. You think I should change.'

And then he looked up at me with those big, teary eyes and whispered, 'no. If I didn't love you, exactly who you are... I wouldn't be so afraid of losing you.'

This threw me off a bit, and there was a brief pause as I took those words in. Again, it was one of those crazy things he spouts off that somehow makes perfect sense. So I finally promised to tone down some of the pranks, and yadonushi admitted that maybe I didn't have a great knowledge of the modern legal system. So he offered to 'educate' me by streaming all sorts of TV shows aimed at showing what today's law enforcement does and doesn't tolerate. So later that night we're sitting on the couch, still bingeing cop shows and the like, when yadonushi turns to me and slyly adds, 'you know I bought a second set of handcuffs, right?'

...I think I could learn to live this (mostly) 'legal' lifestyle. But on to my next question: how do I find another jeweler? I've been banned from all of the ones in our area, and yadonushi only knows about the first two incidents. Maybe I can convince him that the ones outside the city are better at turning kidney stones into gems?

-Mostly Reformed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My SO and I are still searching for a jewelry store that will coat the stone he passed with gold-plating. He thinks I don't know that he's been banned from all the stores in our area, so I'm planning on having a little fun by making him think we're going to visit each one until we find 'the perfect plating.'

Anyway, I think his devious tendencies are starting to rub off on me. Is this a bad thing? I don't know, but for some reason I've decided I'm fine with this. After all, what's good for the goose, right?

-Twice Smitten, Once Stabbed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

Well, he's done it again. This time my SO decided it'd be fun to slip his arm into the bathroom and switch off the fan while I was in the shower. Then, once the room had gotten all fogged up and steamy, he slipped inside to 'join' me, as it were.

Great plan, except I had already showered much earlier that day. Now my eldest sibling is traumatized, and my SO is threatening to 'claw his own eyes out'.

-(Disturbed and) Confused Criminal

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

HOW DOES A BALD GUY TAKE MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR IN THE SHOWER?!

-I Wasn't Wearing Pants This Time, But It's Still Not My Fault!

Dear Ms. Marple,

Remember when I said my SO has a 'rival', of sorts? Well, they recently ran into each other in public, and the 'rival' managed to temporarily lock my SO in a public restroom (long story). Now most people might feel a little humiliated, but my SO came from a harsh background and doesn't trust the other guy's sense of 'fair'. So my SO is getting super-paranoid and over-protective of me, barely even letting me out of his sight. So I decided to talk with the 'rival's' boyfriend (we've been friends for a long time- small world, right?) and he agrees that 'rival' needs to be taught a lesson.

So we've devised a bit of a plan- you see, 'rival' was once bitten by a pink marshmallow (that's another... long story), so we're going to completely fill up their house with things resembling said marshmallow. Pink plush toys, bags and bags of marshmallows, pink balloons with eyes drawn on them... you get the picture.

My question is: will this actually help my SO get over his paranoia? I'm not so much interested in 'revenge' as I am helping my partner realize that the other guy is just a bored idiot with too much time on his hands, and not an underworld mastermind (well, not anymore, anyway).

-Game Boy Pocket

Dear Ms. Marple,

My darkest rival recently staggered up to our front door, absolutely ranting and raving. His hair (which is normally a dull white) was dyed a bright pastel pink, and his clothes were pink-tinted as well. He kept screaming about 'the marshmallows!' and something about 'tainted shampoo'.

...my aibou soon found me on the ground, laughing too hard to breathe, while the pink nightmare stormed off, leaving behind a trail of pink glitter and regret.

I'm not sure what I was so concerned about, but somehow I forgot that without a demon and dark powers by his side... the thief is just a thief.

Anyway, my question is: how do I get the remaining glitter out of our front door mat? It's gotten all over, in-between the rubber grooves and whatnot, and it's quite hard to get rid of.

-(No Longer) Requesting Rematch