(Fun fact- I recently had to get a new computer, and when I was typing this chapter out it kept trying to correct 'yadonushi' into 'pincushion.' Poor Ryou! Anyway, on with the nonsense!)

Dear Ms. Marple,

So we've finally got the rings, right? Well, it's not over yet- apparently invoking a modern marriage necessitates some sort of elaborate ceremony and all sorts of extravagant nonsense. So I made up a rough 'plan' to help things run smoother when get hitched in a few months. I haven't shown it to my yadonushi yet, but I have included a copy of such a list, as I feel it is beyond reproach and is worth sharing.

-Cr*p a Wedding Apparently Has to Have-

-Invitations:No worries there; I once stole a bullhorn from some idiot cop policing a sporting event who didn't think he needed to lock his squad car. Everyone in town will soon be aware of our engagement, and then I'll eagerly drink up the tears and bask in the shrill laments of all the fools who missed their chance to woo either I or my precious yadonushi. Too bad for all you losers!

-Flowers:I figure yellow's a good color, since it's bright and ridiculously cheerful (just like yadonushi). Plus, there's a TON of those yellow ones that turn into those white puffs in the park nearby- it shouldn't be hard to pick as many as we need. Hmm, but that will take quite a while… maybe I should just start digging up large patches of sod instead of taking them one-by-one...

-Music: My yadonushi is always giving money to the weird, long-haired guy who play some sort of horn-type instrument by the subway station entrance. I don't know why he gives the man cash when we never have time to actually stop and listen to an entire song; but since he's so fond of his music, I guess I can see about hiring him.

-Decorations: I found a bunch of stuff in the attic last time I had to sneak back into the house (it seems modern police rely on dogs, instead of baboons like they did back in my day- which is pathetic when you consider which of the two can actually climb and has bigger fangs-!). Anyway, the stuff in the boxes seems to be mostly lights and fun knick-knacks (a bunch of fake severed body parts, an old Ouija board, a glowing cauldron, etc.) so I'm sure my SO will love them. I'm thinking of putting one severed hand per table, with the yellow flowers surrounding each like a centerpiece. Meanwhile, I hear there's something called an 'altar', which I assume has sacrificial uses, so the cauldron should probably go somewhere near there. Maybe yadonushi will let me throw in one of the guests, if they don't behave- I'm not sure if that's considered standard wedding etiquette or not. Not that I'll really care, should anyone gets on my or yadonushi's nerves in some way...

-Entertainment: I'm planning on putting some snakes under the chairs of a certain pair of witless tomb-keepers. They'll be hidden inside an unsealed paper bag, so it won't take them long to slither out.

-Favors: As mentioned before, I'm probably going to let most of the guests live, and they'll have a chance to see me and my yadonushi in our finest garb… that should be more than enough of a boon for those fools.

Anyway, there's no firm date or location as of yet, so keep your windows open so you can hear when I announce the whole thing. Gifts of cash or gold are preferred, and we're registered in-store and online at Knife World, Underground Exotic Reptiles, and Occultists R Us.

-Mostly Reformed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

I've finally finished planning our entire wedding- it'll be a small but nice affair, with only our closest friends in attendance. I've set it for a month from now, as I know it's best not to let my SO plan too much… he tends to ruminate, you see; and sometimes loses sight of the entire goal. This way, he might be a bit annoyed and surprised, but at least no one will end up with live snakes on their chairs (thank heavens for joint-access bank accounts!).

-Twice Smitten, Once Stabbed

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My partner and I have been 'switching things up' a bit more in the bedroom lately, and now he's convinced that he's pregnant. I tried to explain that it's likely just gas or excess calories (he's recently discovered the joys of cheap fast food places) and that his moodiness is likely only the result of him demanding to be taken seriously over something that's impossible... (to be fair, he used to only exist as a figment of my imagination, so his line of thinking's not entirely bonkers) but still, he's being intolerably stubborn. He keeps insisting we should hijack our friends' upcoming wedding since 'we clearly have a better reason for being wed!' although when I asked why that was even necessary,he eventually confessed that he just wanted to screw over the thief. But thankfully he's fonder of the other groom and I managed to dissuade him from interfering with their nuptials (or so I hope).

Anyway, I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill here, but the sexy fool even bought some pregnancy tests (I don't even know where) and managed to completely misunderstand the directions… thankfully, we didn't have to go the ER again, but this definitely would've made our top ten list of disturbing reasons for heading there. My siblings are just ignoring the topic entirely, but unfortunately I don't have that luxury (just because I created him doesn't mean I have to be his babysitter, d*mn it!)

Anyway, how do I convince my (100% MALE) partner that despite some insane things being possible (living in a piece of jewelry made from people, for example) this is NOT one of them?!

-(Disturbed and) Confused Criminal

...

Dear Ms. Marple,

My partner is refusing to accept that I'm pregnant. It's very frustrating, the way he's denying the obvious- I've gained weight, I feel even more 'stabby' than usual, and none of those ignorant doctors in the E.R. could tell me what was going on (the security staff weren't terribly helpful, either).

I bought a bunch of pregnancy tests but couldn't get any readable results. So then my partner walked into the bathroom and was all like, 'idiot, you're using the wrong end.' Which I guess makes sense, given how I ended up in this situation. So then a few minutes later he comes back in and starts yelling at me, like 'what the **** are you doing, shoving all those up your rear?!' And I got very annoyed (again, I blame the hormones) and yelled back, 'you SAID I was using the 'wrong end!' How many other 'ends' do I have?!'

(Also, I used multiple tests because I wanted perfect accuracy- none of the packages said their tests were 100% accurate, so I figure adding 99.7% and 99.8% and 99.5% with 99.6% accuracy would probably end up somewhere over 100% in the end- I'm not stupid, you know!).

So anyway, back to my original question- what are some good modern names for a baby? I was thinking Freddy, Jason, or Michael for a boy, and Carrie, Regan, or Samara for a girl.

-I Wasn't Wearing Pants This Time, But How Else Do You Use These Tests?!

Dear Ms. Marple,

My SO is back to his competitive ways again… now that he knows two of our other friends are also engaged, he wants to rush our own nuptials so that we're the 'first' couple in our circle to tie the knot. I couldn't care less, but he's still stuck in that 'rivalry' manner when it comes to one of the other grooms (see my previous submission), and it's hard to get him to see reason.

I love him dearly, but I can't help but feel hurt that he's putting this sort of nonsense ahead of 'us' again. I just wish he'd listen to me more, like he promised after that one time we almost lost my soul… what should I do?

-Game Boy Pocket

Dear Ms. Marple,

For once, it's not about saving innocent lives, or protecting the fate of the world. I just want my aibou to be happy. He's taught me so much, and I want nothing more than to be by his side for eternity. As much as it pains me to think that the crude tomb-robber will be stealing some of our thunder, I will admit that my aibou is far more important. So I'm going to ask my partner what he wants, and do whatever it takes to make that a reality.

(Also, I may or may not have found some leftover pink glitter from a certain 'prank', and have ensured that if that doltish thief tries to use his stolen police bullhorn to overshadow us… well, he'll be coughing up sparkles for a month).

-(Not) Requesting Rematch