Edward returned a short while later with a selection of breakfast pastries and fruit from a café in Port Angeles. As fast as he drives, I should have known that town didn't necessarily mean Forks.
"You spoil me."
"I've missed the opportunity to do so." He smiled, sitting a selection of food out on his desk for me and handing me a cappuccino that was somehow still hot. "And who should I spoil if not the love of my existence?" I blushed and reached out to stroke his cheek. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation. "Have I bored you to tears yet?"
"No. You should publish your life story as a book of fiction. It's fascinating." He playfully rolled his eyes and sat down beside me.
"You haven't even gotten to the good part yet."
"And when is that?"
"When I met you."
"I would have thought that the rebellious years or the mind reading would be the most entertaining part. Not the fluffy romance story nearly a hundred years in to it."
"You have no idea." He whispered, putting his arm around me and kissing my hair. He held me silently while I enjoyed my breakfast and continued to read, answering questions when I was curious about something and laughing quietly when I struggled with a word or two in his lovely, fancy cursive.
"Were you ever angry at Carlisle for changing you?" It felt like each page brought more questions, but I loved learning new things about Edward. He had always been so mysterious, and it was nice to finally start to understand him properly.
"Perhaps at first. It was incredibly painful to change, and overwhelming hearing all of the voices in my head as soon as I woke up. I didn't understand why he had bothered with me. But after hearing that it was my mother's last wish, and getting accustomed to Carlisle and his kind, gentle thoughts, I couldn't be angry with him. I've almost never had negative feelings towards Carlisle. He's too good."
"Is the pain of the transformation one of the reasons you never wanted to agree to change me?"
"A part of it. It is the most intense pain I have ever felt. I've also had to hear Esme, Rosalie and Emmett's change, and bits of Jasper's change in his memories. Alice very luckily does not remember hers. Most of us begged for death. It's like the fires of Hell themselves are burning you alive. Nothing helps the pain. You can't sleep or get any distraction from it. I would never want to put you through that. But I'm too selfish. I can't fight it anymore. I need you with me, always."
"The pain will be worth it."
Edward looked at me gently, debating if he should say something or not. I could see it in his eyes. He hesitated but whispered. "I don't believe I'm worth it."
His eyes were haunted. Suddenly, his reasons for leaving made a lot more sense. I carefully sat down the book in my hands and stood up, repositioning myself in his lap. I leaned my forehead against his and looked into his eyes. My own eyes filled with tears. "You are worth it. Now it's you who has no idea how much you mean to me. I haven't read very much yet, but I can promise you that I feel just as strongly for you as you do me, if not more."
"Bella, there are so many things I can't give you."
"Like what?"
"Children."
"Don't want them. Never have."
"Growing old together."
"Who seriously wants that?"
"A life somewhere sunny."
"So, we have to sunbathe somewhere private. That is something I'm more than willing to trade for you."
"Eventually, I'll have to take you away from your family, for their own safety."
"Edward, you know I love my family. But I love you too. You have to understand that I know exactly what I will be giving up, and to me, it's worth it. We'll see that my family knows I love them and is well taken care of before I have to disappear, won't we?"
"Of course."
"Exactly."
"You'll have to move around every few years."
"I love to travel. Listen, I promise that I'm not ignoring your concerns. I am listening to you. But I love you so much that I don't want to live my life without you in it. That is absolute. That's why it hurt so much when you left. I felt incomplete. The greatest joy I'd ever known was suddenly gone, likely never to return. And nothing I could do would bring that back."
I cried more freely now, unable to stop it. Edward held me tightly in his arms and kissed my hair and my forehead. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "Bella, I had no idea."
"Despite how you feel about yourself, I love you. I always have. I always will. You can't change that. Please stop trying to. I want to learn more about you. I'm glad to have the opportunity to. But nothing is going to affect how much I need you. How completely I accept you and whatever it is I'm going to find out about you and your past, ever."
"I brought you up here to show you how much I love you."
"I know. But you need to hear it too. Maybe if we both work on understanding each other better, we won't always worry so much. We're mates, right? That means unchanging. That means that we best both just accept that we love each other and be happy." Edward chuckled and slowly softened his expression.
"I like the sounds of that. But, what about the part where I drink your blood?" He asked, leaning to the side, causing my head to fall back a little and my hair to dangle. He kissed my throat and up to my lips.
"I believe that comes after the sex." I thought he might drop me from his shocked expression, but I just giggled and grabbed one of his journals to continue reading. I knew that he was intentionally changing the subject, but I also knew that I would get through to him, even if it took months of talking and reinforcing my point.
For now, I happily snuggled in Edward's arms and enjoyed his affections while I worked on getting acquainted with him and his past properly. I knew that I wouldn't heal from our months of separation right away, but I finally felt confident that he was going to stay, and that was all I needed to enjoy the day ahead.
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next few updates will explore more of the contents of Edward's journals in detail. We also still have some angry Quileutes, a family that needs to come home, and a police chief that won't be happy to see Edward's return. Should be fun!
