Dear Ms. Marple,
So the other day, I found a weird box in my other half's sock drawer. It was full of all these tiny, metallic squares standing in two rows, with something squishy inside each packet. Naturally, I asked my partner about them, and he laughed before explaining what they were. They're called 'con-dumbs,' apparently. I questioned why we'd never used any and my light side explained that he used to tease our one very shy friend by giving him one every year on his birthday, but now that said friend was getting married, it was rather pointless.
Curious, I asked why (was getting married really the end of all sex? I'd heard that, which was part of why I was initially so reluctant to broach the subject in the first place). But he explained that these items were a 'protective' measure, meant to keep you safe from certain diseases and stuff that others could carry. So of course being with one person the rest of your life rather negated that necessity, since married couples (generally) knew each other's health status and whatnot.
But I was intrigued, and decided to try one just for my own sake. After all, an ounce of prevention leads to pounding for sure, right? Or something like that- I forget the exact wording.
Anyway, a few hours passed and I managed to sneak one of the foil squares into our nightstand. And later that night, when my partner wasn't looking, I carefully opened one of the packages and found a pink circle inside. It was gummy-like in texture and smelled like those strawberry gummy candies you get at the supermarket. So naturally, I figured it was something that had to be ingested to work, right? So I chewed it up a bit and then swallowed.
Well, that didn't go so well. Somehow, the freakin' thing ended up blocking my airway, and my other half quickly called the paramedics (it was Tousen and Higashi this time- I wish Koharu was still on-call in our area; he was cool). Everyone was anxiously gathered around us, Ishizu having already been in her home office and Odion having just gotten home from work just a few minutes before.
...it was not my finest moment.
Anyway, eventually they were able to fish the deceptive 'protective' device out of my throat, much to the relief of my partner. Of course, as soon as I could breathe I immediately asked why something so clearly meant to be eaten could be so dangerous!
And so other me explained to me that it wasn't like that sort of medicine- it was like sunscreen, meaning it shouldn't be swallowed. Well, that was also news to me- I thought that stuff was supposed to be eaten as well (I mean, really, why else would they make it smell like coconut cream pie?!). And so big sis was all like, 'Is that why we didn't have any toilet paper the entire month of August?!'
So yeah, apparently safe sex can still be dangerous. Anyway, I'm thinking of going around town and changing all those annoying 'awareness' billboards they have up to reflect this new insight. Do you know what brand of spray-paint is the longest-lasting? I'm leaning towards 'Lethers Finest' but they only carry a matte black, no gloss.
-Somehow I Was Wearing Pants This Time When the Para-metics Came?!
…
Dear Ms. Marple,
My boyfriend is now trying to spray-paint 'Sometimes' in front of all the 'Safe Sex Saves Lives' billboards in our area. I'm a little concerned that he's gonna fall or get arrested, but honestly… it's kinda funny. Anyway, what should I do if he gets caught?
-Confused Criminal
...
Dear Ms. Marple,
Well, now there's a big rift between us, and as with most wretched things in life, it's all that insufferable Pharaoh's fault.
The self-centered *** finally set a date for his nuptials, and my partner wants to attend their wedding ceremony, as the runt is one of his best friends. Fine, whatever. But apparently the Pharaoh is going to be there as well.
This… led to some points of contention. I refused to promise not to prank or sabotage anything (the arrogant fool will be wearing all WHITE, for Zorc's sake! How can anyone resist when they know exactly where to obtain multiple 20 lb. bags of fresh horse manure?!)
So now my partner is upset because I also refused to let him go alone. He's downright irresistible in a tux, and I know that at the very least that perverted blonde nut and his no-longer-imaginary boyfriend are going. I wouldn't trust those freaks to tell me the current weather outside, much less to keep their grimy mitts off my yadonushi!
I tried to suggest compromise (as yadonushi is always begging me to do), but apparently making everyone wear blindfolds and handcuffs throughout the affair is 'unreasonable' and 'disturbing.' Tch, no more unreasonable and disturbing than what I imagine those tanned deviants might do once they've drunk half the ceremonial wine!
Anyway, killing everyone is currently out of the question, so how do I convince my partner to let me hire a bodyguard as his 'plus-one'? I know an assassin who's hard up for some cash right now, so should I just pay him and then tell yadonushi? Or will he just get even more mad?
-Mostly Reformed
…
Dear Ms. Marple,
How do I convince my insane husband that I trust our friends, and that I will NOT be taking Panik (a nearly middle-aged behemoth of a terror) as my 'plus-one' to our friends' wedding ceremony?!
-Twice smitten, Once Stabbed
…
Dear Ms. Marple,
It's been interesting, planning a wedding that blends two vastly different cultures. We've worked out the offerings to the gods, the purification rituals, and the nuptial cups ceremony. We also agreed on the flowers, but I had to insist on a flat 'no-candles' rule. My partner is a bit of stickler for tradition, and he believes that it's important to honor both of our ancestries. I explained that I fully agree- but some of our guests are known pranksters and troublemakers, and we really shouldn't tempt them with open flames. This led to a bit more discussion, as he hadn't realized that I was serious about inviting some of our more… 'wild' friends. So now we've hit a bit of a rut- I want all of those who were part of our journey together to share in this beautiful day for us… but my fiance does have a point when he brings up that anyone with leanings towards potential arson may be a bit of a downer at a formal event. What should we do?
-Game Boy Pocket
…
Dear Ms. Marple,
Ra help me, but I love my dear aibou. If it makes him happy, I would endure a thousand deaths- but I fear that inviting a certain trio of pale-haired troublemakers may lead to a worse fate for us and our guests. How do I convince him that people with multiple murders and similar crimes to their names should probably not be present?! We want the gods to bless our union, not to strike us all dead for keeping such blasphemous company!
-Requesting a Re-cast
