Author's Note: For the most part, you can assume that the journals Bella reads are Midnight Sun, just with some earlier entries added. Nothing that would alter Edward's character.
Alice rode home with me just after dinner to make sure I arrived safely. She was gone now after I assured her that I was alright, and I was sitting on my bed reading through another of Edward's journals.
I had brought a couple of them home with me to continue reading, knowing that it would make me miss him less while he was hunting. I was also thrilled with the opportunity to get to know him better.
Most of his entries were short and simply listed events or activities he had enjoyed. I learned that we shared a love of many classic novels, composers and works of art that we hadn't discussed yet. He had devoted much of his time to study and spoke several languages, a few of which I hadn't even heard of.
He spent years grappling painfully with the purpose of his existence. He debated if he were doomed to Hell because of what he was before he had even taken a human life. He wondered if he would ever truly feel like he belonged, despite how much he loved Carlisle and saw him as a father.
He mourned the loss of his human life, his parents, the prospect of having his own family. He thought about all of the little joys he no longer had, like being able to lounge in the park on a sunny day or happily sneak treats from the kitchen as his mother made dinner. He had very, very few memories of his parents. Only brief flashes of their personality or how they might react in a certain situation.
He knew that they loved him immensely. He also knew that it was his mother's dying wish that Carlisle save him, and so he also felt guilty for not immediately embracing his life as an immortal and accepting that it was what his mother wanted for him.
There was one journal entry that really took me by surprise. Carlisle had managed to preserve Edward's family home and all of its contents by inventing a long-lost relative that could come forward to claim the inheritance. It was really an attorney they had hired.
Edward had been so out of it during his change and waking up hearing voices, that they didn't talk about it for a few years. He didn't feel like he was ready to see his home, so Carlisle had taken some items of importance and brought them to him, including the few existing pictures of him and his parents and his mother's jewelry.
Edward was both happy and sad to be able to see his parent's faces again. He had nearly forgotten them. But what absolutely broke his heart, and now mine, was his mother's engagement ring, given to her by his father, and the thought that he might never have someone of his own to share it with. That he would never have the chance to court a lovely girl and ask her father for her hand in marriage, as well as asking his mother for her ring, as was his family tradition.
I sat the journal down and laid in bed, tears flowing uncontrollably. I always knew that he had a hard time accepting what he was, but I couldn't fathom the depth of his pain and longing he had experienced. I immediately felt guilty for every time I hadn't taken his concerns seriously and how had I basically forced him to agree to change me his first night back. I curled up in a ball and cried for a while.
My window opened almost silently, and I jumped, trying to wipe the tears from my face before he saw me, but he knew. Edward held me in his arms in an instant, kissing my head and gently brushing my hair with his fingers. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I never should have gone."
It was hard to speak. After all he had suffered, he was still here feeling bad for me. "No, I'm alright. It's not that." I managed to say. I didn't want him to feel guilty about going hunting. He needed to eat.
"What happened, then?" he asked gently.
The words didn't want to come to me. Instead, I looked into his gorgeous golden eyes and then I kissed him. Our kiss started gentle and hesitant, but I needed him to know how I loved him. It turned passionate quickly and I couldn't get close enough to my mate. I was nearly dizzy from not pulling away to breathe when he gently laid me on my back and hovered over me, looking into my eyes.
"Bella, what's wrong?"
"I was reading your journal and I feel so guilty. I've given you such a hard time about changing me and being with me. I had no idea how much pain you were in. How you've suffered. I never should have made you promise that."
He smiled softly and made me look at him. "That was how I felt then. Not now. Now, I have everything I have ever wanted right here." He kissed my forehead. "And nothing would make me happier than keeping her with me for an eternity."
"You always talk about how you're scared I'll have regrets and how you think vampires are damned."
"You've made your stance on your potential regrets very clear. You also gave me a rather interesting speech the night I came home. Do you remember that?" He asked.
I nodded.
"I told you that you gave me a lot to think about, and I did think about it. I've made peace with our decision to change you. This is what we both want. And it means I won't ever have to be without you again." He said, leaning down to kiss me again. I lost myself in his kiss and felt myself relaxing into sleep. "Just wait until you get to the good parts." He whispered, pulling the blankets up over us and holding me in his arms as I drifted off.
I woke up the next morning happily resting on Edward's chest. This was something I could definitely get used to. "You forgot to set your alarm for school." He whispered, laughing quietly. "But you were too cute to wake up."
"Crap! Charlie won't be happy if I skip."
"Do you want to go in late?"
"Not if you can't come with me." I was firm on not letting Edward out of my sight. We still had a lot to talk about.
"I'll be able to tomorrow. Carlisle is going to go get us re-enrolled this morning."
"Then I'll pretend to be sick today. I'm sure it won't be too hard to fake a headache or something."
"You're a terrible actress."
"I'll tell Charlie I have my period. He won't ask further questions."
Edward chuckled but didn't doubt me. He knew how Charlie was. My stomach growled, disturbing our peace.
"May I make you breakfast?"
"I would love that." He smiled and moved to get up. "Wait, Edward."
"Yes, love?"
My eyes filled with tears against my will. "I love you so much. I don't tell you enough. You make me so happy just by being around me, by being you." He kneeled down to my eye level where I sat on the edge of the bed.
"You just described how I feel about you." He said, kissing me softly. "You'll see when you read more. You disrupted my entire world in the best way possible." He kissed me once more and then walked downstairs, leaving me to some human time.
I freshened up and changed clothes, joining Edward downstairs as fast as I could. It seemed he had heard me dressing because the second I sat down, he handed me a plate with toasted pop tarts and strawberries cut into little roses.
"Showoff." I mumbled, but I smiled at the effort he had put into my food and happily ate. Our conversation changed to more lighthearted topics, like how people would react to their sudden reappearance at school.
His face turned to one of panic a split second before I heard the front door open. His eyes darted over to the back door like he considered leaving, but thought better of it and stayed put. I was glad that we at least weren't in my bedroom but filled with panic understanding what was about to happen. Where was Alice when you needed her?!
"Bella?" Charlie called. "I see your truck still outside. I thought you had school today. Everything alright?"
"Yeah dad, I'm in here." I said, standing up and walking towards the living room. I was hoping that I could stop him from coming in the kitchen and seeing Edward unexpectedly. Alice and I had decided that would be the worst possible scenario. "I'm sorry. I didn't feel like going this morning."
"You can't just skip school for the Hell of it, kid. You've missed a bunch already."
"I know. I promise I won't get behind."
"I heard a rumor that…. well…. when I got the call that you weren't at school, I just wanted to come check on you."
"What rumor?" I asked.
"Never mind." Charlie said, but it was clear he was hiding something.
Just then, there was a knock on the front door. I somehow knew that it was Edward, deciding to get it over with but to not let Charlie see him already in the house with me. Charlie went to answer the door and I froze in place.
"And just what the hell do you think you're doing here?!" Charlie shouted. I didn't even have to look at him to know his face was likely turning purple with rage.
"We came to check on and apologize to Bella." Esme said, surprising me. I hadn't heard her arrive.
"Esme!" I said, going towards the door, but Charlie stopped me by holding out his arm.
"You all left Bella all alone for months and you suddenly think you can just come back like nothing happened and apologize to her! You think I'm going to let him anywhere near my daughter again! Bella, go upstairs."
"No." I said simply, not moving.
"Excuse me?!"
"No, I want to see them. Please." I said, trying to soften my statement. I never liked being difficult with Charlie, but I needed him to accept Edward. We couldn't hide our relationship forever, especially not in Forks.
"They're going to see each other at school anyhow." Esme said, surprising me with her bluntness. "May we come in?"
"Fine." Charlie said, disgruntled but standing aside. He kept his eyes on Edward the entire time as I led us into the living room.
Esme pulled me into a hug "I'm sorry, Bella. We owe you many apologies. We've missed you so much." Before letting me go, she also whispered in my ear too quiet for anyone else to hear. "Alice and Jasper are outside. Play along."
"I missed you too, Esme. I'm so happy to see you!"
Edward looked as if he wanted to approach me, but one glance at Charlie caused him to simply sit down on his mom's other side. She decided to take charge of the conversation. "We're moving back to Forks. We weren't happy in the big city. Carlisle is at the hospital right now asking for his job back."
Charlie grunted and looked at Edward. "If you think this means you can prance right in here and act like you didn't leave Bella to get lost in the woods and have months' worth of nightmares because of you, you're dead wrong."
"Charlie, I'm afraid you don't have the full story." Esme said.
"No, he's right." Edward added. "I screwed up. I will never be able to apologize to Bella for hurting her like I did. I don't expect her forgiveness, or yours. But I do owe her an apology and the truth."
"The truth?! The truth is you're no good for my daughter."
"You're right. But I love her. I have never stopped loving her." I gasped, surprised that he would admit it so boldly and openly to Charlie, who clearly took my reaction as a sign of surprise when he stared at me, his face red with anger.
"So then why did you go?"
"Because I realize I'm the exact opposite of what she wanted for her life and I had to give her a chance to go on without me."
"What the hell are you saying?"
I snuck a glance at Esme, who nodded at me. I stood up and went to embrace Edward, who gladly stood with me to hold me in his arms without a further word.
"Could I trouble you for a cup of coffee, Charlie? Maybe we should give these two a minute." Esme said. To my total disbelief, Charlie got up and led Esme into the kitchen. I felt Edward smile into my hair.
"Just listen." He whispered in my ear. We heard Charlie make coffee and sit a cup down in front of both of them.
"She's going to have to throw that up later isn't she?" I asked quietly.
"Yep." Edward said.
"Why would she do that?"
"She loves you. She needed an excuse to talk to him alone. He's going to believe her a lot easier than any of the rest of us." He kissed my hair and held me close to him.
Esme started the conversation. "Do you believe in soulmates?"
"What?"
"Soulmates. Sometimes, we meet someone who completes us, challenges us, makes us happy in ways we never knew possible. Not everyone has one, but when we find that person, it changes our entire world."
"Uh, I guess. I've never been one for romance."
"No, but I know how much it broke your heart when your wife left with Bella."
"Yeah."
"I don't condone Edward's actions. He didn't tell us until after we left what exactly he had said, and what he had promised Bella."
"What did he promise her?"
"That she would never hear from any of us again, as if we never existed. Now, we really shouldn't have played along but we were worried that we would hurt Bella even more if we broke that promise after the way he left her."
"Why would he say such a thing?" he was confused.
"It's what he thought she wanted. Do you remember when she ran away after our family baseball game?" There was silence, but I assumed Charlie must have nodded, because Esme continued. "That's the night that Bella realized how much she loved Edward. She was terrified about being trapped in Forks and regretting their relationship. She witnessed your divorce and she's scared to death of making a mistake with her life. I don't mean that to sound cruel, but that's how she feels."
"What does this have to do with your son?"
"He fell for Bella hard from the moment he saw her. He absolutely adores her. He would do anything for her. But when she got upset because Alice threw her an eighteenth birthday party against her wishes, Edward felt as if he was just forcing her to do things she didn't really want to and that he was holding her back. He thought she would always agree with things she didn't want to do to make him happy, and he hated himself for it. And so, when we left, he broke things off with her. But he lied to her and told her he didn't love her."
"I'm sorry." Edward whispered in my ear. "We didn't want to blame you, but Alice said it was best if we were both equally responsible."
"Wow." Charlie said quietly.
"I don't agree with his actions at all. We had no idea he was going to do that to her. But he's been hiding in his room, crying, barely sleeping, or eating since we left Forks. I told him that he needed to at least be honest with her and let her make her own decisions."
"Bella has been a mess." My dad confessed. "She skips school a lot. She has constant screaming nightmares. I've never seen someone so attached. I've been so upset with her for not trying harder to get over him."
"I don't think they can get over each other." Esme said. "It may be a little new age, but I truly believe that they are soulmates. They aren't happy unless they're together. But when they are, they compliment each other so well."
"You mean Bella running off to Phoenix and Edward getting her lost in the woods and all of that?" Charlie was still angry.
"He said he left her on the path by the house. But you know our family loves to hike, he wanted a long hike to try to sort through his feelings and so he took off running deeper into the woods. He didn't think Bella followed him for more than a minute, but she must have if she got lost."
"What are we going to do with them?"
"Let them be. They will sort themselves out. We gave Edward a very stern talk about respecting his partner's opinions and about making sure that he encourages her to spend time with her other friends and still apply for colleges and her life as normal. We also told him that there's no rush on their relationship and that they shouldn't jump into marriage or moving in together. And we told him that they need to both work on just saying what's on their mind with each other."
"Come in here, kids." Charlie said a little more calmly, decidedly wanting to get this talk over with. Edward kissed me softly on the lips and then put his arm around me, leading us into the kitchen.
Esme smiled at us and took a sip of coffee, which almost made me giggle knowing that she really shouldn't be drinking it. My dad studied us calmly for a minute, his face blank.
"I owe you an apology too, Charlie. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to Bella." Edward started.
"I want to yell at you and tell you to stay the Hell away from Bella, but honestly, I'm relieved. She looks so much better already. I haven't seen this much color in your face since they left." Charlie was looking at me directly now.
"I missed him." I whispered.
"Duh! Even I can see that. Plus, you've been screaming his name in your sleep every night for months. But Cullen, if you ever hurt my daughter again, I will hunt you down and I won't hesitate to mess you up. You understand?"
"Yes sir."
"Sorry, Esme." Charlie said.
"It's alright. We told him the same thing actually."
"You and Carlisle?" Charlie was shocked again but Esme just nodded. I couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Well then. I'm sure I'm being missed at work. You." Charlie pointed at me. "This is the last time you skip school this year. You two behave, but you can hang out here if you like and talk about your feelings." He rolled his eyes. "I'll bring us some pizza for dinner in a few hours."
I let go of Edward to hug my father, making him blush. We weren't normally very emotional. "Thanks, dad."
"I just want you happy, kid."
"You have no idea how much it means to have you accept Edward."
"I'll try." He said, and he went to get in the cruiser.
