Fate/Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm, Fate EXTRA, Fate Extella, Fate Hollow Ataraxia, Fate Grand Order, Fate Zero, Fate Kaleid Prisma Illya, Fate Apocrypha, Fate Prototype, Fate: Today's Menu for the Emiya Family, Fate Requiem, Fate Strange/Fake, Fate School Life, Fate Tiger Colosseum, Fate Unlimited Codes, Fate Capsule Servant, Fate: Lord El-Melloi II Case Files and Fate Type/Redline are the creations and intellectual properties of Type-Moon and Nasu Kinoko.

All other franchises and characters mentioned within this story are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.


We Come to Kill Emiya Shirou.

Chapter Two.


Once upon a time, in a far, far away land, there was a fanfic writer, an useless good for nothing cad, who had to write an adaptation of the Carnival Phantasm OVAs. At the end of the first episode, the writer made little sweet Illya-chan promise their audience the next chapter would be about beach volleyball.

But alas! The writer then remembered that the second OVA was not about Fate, but about Tsukihime (Melty Blood, actually, same difference)! And it had been so long since he had last watched Tsukihime (the anime that allegedly didn't exist, and he'd never played the Visual Novel, the fool!), that he honestly didn't remember the details of characterization for most characters.

Worse yet, the writer had already badly adapted a fairly amusing Fate beach volleyball doujinshi by the author of Prisma Illya, changing the volleyball contest to a beauty contest. And he didn't think he could adapt the Emiya Cooking episode where Artoria and Shirou play beach volleyball against Medusa, EMIYA and Cu Chulainn because, well, despite loving Harukana Receive (the perv!), he had just realized he still couldn't write a game of the sport to save his life (the lazy bum hadn't ever played it in his life).

So, with great pain in his heart, the no-good author wrote about something else instead. And he lived unhappily ever after.

I'm sorry, Illya-chan. I have failed you.


The front door was pushed open from the inside, and out stepped the most beautiful woman Tohsaka Rin had ever seen, with a delicate and fair face that was nonetheless cold and devoid of feelings. Her eyes were large, round and light green, and her hair a pale shade of golden blonde, pulled back into a small bun. She wore a plain, long sleeved white blouse that was buttoned up to her neck, matching white socks, and a modest blue skirt reaching down to her knees.

"Good morning, Saber," said the dark haired, pigtailed young woman in the short black skirt and tight red sweater standing on the large house's doorstep, with a pleasant smile on. "We come to kill Emiya-kun and take you for ourselves."

"We brought mean buns, as well," dryly offered the man standing by Rin, holding a white bag up in a hand. He was much taller and bigger than either of them, sporting a deeply tanned skin tone and eyes of a golden shade; his hair was cropped short and white. Black, fitting body armor covered him from his legs to the neck, with silver accents around the ribcage and broad chest. He also wore an open red coat over it, adding to his modern appearance, more akin to that of a television or videogame hero than a warrior drawn from the mists of time.

Saber regarded them quietly for a moment, then snatched the bag from the man's hand and stepped aside, letting them walk in. "Welcome, Rin, Archer," she said, closing after them. "Shirou's working out at the Dojo. I'll notify him immediately."

She walked into the Training Hall and called out, "Shirouuu! Rin and Archer are here to kill us again! They also brought buns, and- Ah?" she blinked, seeing her Master flat on his back on the floor, wooden practice sword aside. "Shirou! Oh my God, are you okay?!" she rushed to his side.

Archer sighed and shook his head. "How inconsiderate! Dying before we could kill him, and after we bothered to come too..."

Rin pulled a few gems out of her handbag. "What a pain, and this is my archrival in the War? I've got to get myself a better nemesis. Maybe I'll start taking Caster's calls..."

"No, he's still alive but comatose," Saber said, taking his pulse. "How did this come to be, though? He's perfectly healthy and in the peak of youth!"

"Maybe it's because of all the blows to his head. That takes its toll on any person after a while," Archer opined, moments before his face suddenly broke into a long chain of spasmodic twitches for no good reason.

Rin hummed, crouching down by Saber's side and also checking on the redhaired young man. "Or maybe someone's beat us to it! This isn't Lancer's style, though, and neither is Rider's. Illya and Caster, I can see them doing something like this, but..."

Saber nodded. "They'd have left some sign boasting about the fact. I wonder what he is dreaming about?"

They all raised their gazes, and looked at the thought balloon floating up from Shirou's head.

The small redhaired boy smiled happily, as he held Kiritsugu's hand. The two of them and Taiga were leaving the movie theater, the woman splendid in a form fitting black dress, a pearl necklace neatly framing her chest.

"Batman...!" Chibi Shirou sang happily, swinging his free small hand, balled up into a fist. "Da na na na na na, Batman...!"

Then a man stepped out of the shadows, pointing a handgun at them. He looked remarkably like Nameless, but his skin was much darker, and his hair cut even shorter, his eyes dead and cold.

"I'm going to need all your money," he curtly told Kiritsugu and Taiga. "Start by handing the pearls over, lady..."

Archer frowned angrily and poked Shirou's dream with a finger, popping it. "No, you idiot! FIRE! You should be dreaming of fire, damn you!"

Shirou moaned sleepily as Saber blinked, "That... That dream is somewhat racist, wouldn't you say so?"

"I'm just kind of shocked he sees Sensei that way," Rin admitted, scratching herself on a cheek. "Okay, let's take him to Konoka-san, she'll know what to do..."

"We come to kill Emiya Shirou!" another Saber said happily, slamming the Dojo's door back open, with a groaning girl of long brown hair and large doe eyes standing shortly behind her. "Nothing personal, but we are the main characters, so our supremacy must be reaffirmed! Only one couple may be left standing in the Moon Cell, after all!"

"For the last time, we aren't in the Moon Cell!" Shirou's Saber glared at her nearly exact lookalike, who was even shorter than her but exuding an overwhelming aura of power and vitality. Her eyes were large and green, her figure petite but highly curvaceous, wide at the hips and breasts. A beauty clad in a red dress, of fanciful, even highly unusual, design; from the front alone, it showed off most of the woman's exuberant cleavage, with the frontispiece of her long skirt made of translucent cloth, allowing for a small part of the white leotard covering the modesty of her crotch to be seen.

Firmly grasped in her small right hand, a gigantic red and black sword, twisted and angular in shape, and apparently too heavy for her petite stature.

"Nonsense, nonsense, Rin and Nameless are here after all!" the Red Saber laughed, waving her hand in the groaning duo's direction. "But, alas!" she gasped. "What doth my eyes behold?! Cruel Saber, you have slain your own Master, throwing your lot with Rin and Nameless in a carnal triangle of debauchery?!"

"Hah!" Archer scoffed dryly. "Rin wishes!" he added, before receiving an elbow to the stomach.

Red Saber's Master walked very quietly towards Shirou, crouched by his side, and planted two fingers on his throat. After a couple of seconds, she glanced back at her Servant and said something.

"I see, I see!" Red Saber nodded eagerly. "That is good to know, Praetor! I would feel terribly sorry if such a fine man were to lose his life this tragically..."

"Look, you came here to kill him, or not?!" Archer barked, slapping himself on a knee.

"Fear not, Blue Saber!" Red Saber proclaimed. "For I am the greatest Detective of the Roman Empire! I wrote so many sadly lost plays that invented the genre! The Murders of Via Appia, A Study in a Scarlet Dress, And Then There Were no Little Niggers, all my doing! I swear I shall find whoever poisoned your Master and bring them to justice!"

"Okay, cut that out, we're getting all racist again!" Blue Saber protested.

"How... How do you even know it was poison?" Rin doubted. "Granted, it's probably the most logical explanation, but...!"

Kishinami Hakuno raised a finger, then gave a perfectly logical and rational summary of her thoughts on the matter.

Everyone but Shirou stared at her, impressed. "Wow, yes... I can't really argue with any of that, Kishinami-san. You're right, it can't be anything but," Rin nodded slowly. "Indeed, then, as much as it pains me, the culprit can be none but-"

"Good morning! We come to kill Emiya Shirou-san...!" happily sing-sang a slim, petite, dark skinned girl with short purple hair and wearing skintight black, her feet bare but for spats, and her face hidden behind a white skull mask. She was skipping inside merrily, with Mitsuzuri Ayako trailing behind and shaking her head to herself. The author still likes Fate Harem Antics after all, even if it never updates anymore. "We brought bento to share afterwards, and I made sure of not touching anything!" she giggled, holding a large bag up.

"Good morning, Assassin," Blue Saber said coldly, grabbing a long set of pincers and using it to grab the bag from Assassin's hand, setting it aside on the floor. "It is very bad education for an Assassin, however, to walk into a house announcing yourselves. Your King will take your head if he ever learns."

"Oh God, what happened to Emiya-kun?!" Ayako gasped, noticing the figure on the floor. "Is he alive?! W-We didn't have anything to do with this!"

"Ah, Emiya-san is dead?" Assassin blinked, looking down. "Well, he is! A pity, he'll miss on the bento...!"

"Lies and deceit, Assassin!" Red Saber smiled, pointing at her but also giving a step back just so the finger wouldn't get too close. "You are the obvious culprit! You sneaked behind the boy using Presence Concealment, had sex with him to death, and then left, coming back with your Master so we would not suspect you! Your guilt is evident, however!"

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" Blue Saber roared.

"Oh, he isn't? Then I didn't do it!" Assassin said, waving a hand. "My toxins are invariably lethal, and when I kill them with sex, they are always left smiling! Does he look like he's smiling to you?"

Everyone turned to look back at Shirou, just as another thought bubble rose from his dreams.

In a distant planet of scientific wonder and space opera fantasy, genius scientist Emiya Kiritsugu was placing a red haired baby boy inside a rocket ship.

"The Clock Tower laughed at me, Taiga," he solemnly said. "I wouldn't be given the budget for a large ship. The only thing left for us, then, is to send our son to Earth, where he will gain incredible magical powers and become the greatest Hero of Justice to ever exist."

The short haired woman in the skintight futuristic dress remarking her every curve sobbed, hugging him. "Oh, my beloved! If only there were another way...! Make wild, hot love to me before our planet dies...!"

Archer blushed and began slapping the bubble to pieces, earning another upset sleepy sound from Shirou. "E-E-Enough of that, deviant! She's your mother figure, for Heaven's sake...!"

Hakuno cleared her throat discreetly, then began another calm, collected argument on the latest developments while everyone but Shirou- who had just rolled aside snoring- paid her the utmost attention.

"I see, I see, of course!" Ayako nodded eagerly. "That makes full sense, how didn't I think of it before?"

"Yes, if Emiya-san were to die, Saber-san would disappear, so this must be the doing of someone who wants her alive for themselves!" Assassin agreed. "Then they made it look like it was me, to draw attention from them! Caster-san! That's just the kind of sneaky thing Caster-san would do!"

"Caster had sex with Shirou-san?" Red Saber doubted. "Everything else makes sense, but-"

"Maybe she sent her Assassin to have sex with him in her stead, and he shoved a dial of poison up his ass," Archer theorized. "It would explain why there are no visible marks on him."

Red Saber blinked. "Which Caster are we talking about again?" she asked while a thin line of blood trickled down Blue Saber's nose.

Rin bopped her fist on Archer's head. "Caster's Assassin can't leave the World Tree and you know it! You're just trolling!"

"Well, then we'll have to take this to her, because she's not coming here to defend herself," Ayako said. "Brrrr, coming to his own house to attack Emiya-kun, who could ever be that inhuman..."

"Allow me, I know the exact way to summon this particular Caster here," Red Saber said, stepping behind her blue counterpart and then violently yanking her blouse and bra down in a single thug, making the eyes of Archer, Rin and Ayako pop up. Hakuno and Serenity simply shared a jaded glance. "CASTER, I CALL THEE FORTH...!"

"Kyaaaa!" Blue Saber gasped, hastily popping her top back up right before someone else stormed into the Dojo, a hooded figure in purple robes holding a twisted black dagger in a hand, leaving a trail of dust in their wake.

"I, I, I, I, I come to kill Emiya Shirou!" Caster panted heavily, eyes nailed on Blue Saber's small bosom. "I don't need Assassin anyway, I can handle this on my own...!"

Blue Saber punched her in the face, making her wince deeply. "Pernicious witch!" she roared, even as her knuckles remained in close contact with Caster's elegant features. "We are on your vile scheme! Hand the antidote over, I never shall be your slave!"

Caster staggered back, giving Blue Saber a wounded, in more than one sense, look. "M-M-My plan? You found about it?! But how?! I made sure of stashing all the bombs and the kittens safely, and- Wait, antidote?! Why would anyone have an antidote for bombs and kittens?!"

"Don't feign innocence, beautiful sorceress!" Red Saber accused, slinking much closer and in turn making Caster edge away from her just as soon. "We know you have plotted against Emiya Shirou's wellbeing, you just admitted coming here to harm him!"

"That, that was an excuse, I came for the breasts!" Caster scoffed, looking down at Shirou, leaning down to touch his cheek, and then frowning. "How curious, this doesn't feel like any magecraft I know. He was poisoned, you say? It could be the handwork of my teacher, she made a point of not teaching me all she knew. Or it might be the Red Faction's Assassin, I'm not that familiar with Middle East's poisons after all. It might even be Lancer, if he's gotten creative with his runes..."

Blue Saber blinked. "Is your teacher even in this story at all?"

"Why do you insist you didn't do it?" Rin frowned at Caster. "Why should we believe you at all?"

"Oh, come on, if I were interested in this course of action, I'd have started with taking the most dangerous Master out of the equation first!" Caster said. "Then I'd have used HER Servant to take Saber for myself!"

Rin paused. "Well... I can't argue with that, of course you'd have started with me, but..."

"You? Who's talking about you?!" Caster snapped. "I'm talking about Lancer of Red's Master!"

Rin began choking in saliva. "Y-You mean... HER?! She is the most dangerous of all Masters?!"

"She's got a broken Servant, she always stays inside making her very difficult to reach, and she always beats me on the online bids for Saber memorabilia! Why wouldn't she be the greatest hurdle in my way, my archenemy?" Caster asked back.

"You mean I'm not your archenemy?!" a livid Rin asked. "Isn't that why you call me all the time?!"

"What? No, I'm calling Archer to try and convince him to betray you, so I can get my hands on Saber, you, and Lancer of Red," Medea matter of factly explained. She tightened a fist and then aimed her other hand at the sky, or rather the ceiling separating them from it. "Very well, I will help you capture the culprit of this attack, but just so Saber will owe me afterwards! Ahoy, Argonauts! Let us assault the Red Faction!"

Assassin clapped excitedly. "Ohhhh, I'm an Argonaut now!"

"N-No, really, you don't have to bother..." Blue Saber said.

"Oh, it will be a good chance to see your son again, too!" Caster invited.

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO! Well, that, and because I don't want to owe you anything!"

Rin placed a hand on her shoulder. "Saber. It's for Emiya-kun's good," she gently reminded her.

The blonde sighed. "Oh, very well...!"


Queen Semiramis sat on her throne. She raised a fine, thin black eyebrow.

"What is it now?" she asked Shakespeare as he stood before her to deliver his report. "The pink haired little girl again, or more Jehovah's Witnesses...?"


"FAAAAATHERRRRR!" the armored Mordred growled, fiercely bashing her sword against her father's, on the surface of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon lazily floating right off the borders of the Mahora campus. The official story was Marvel was filming a movie there. "Finally, you come to me! Hah! The brave Lion of Camelot, gathering the courage to face his slayer at last! And you didn't even bring any gifts, always the penny pincherrrrrr!"

"You are wrong, Knight of Treachery!" Artoria valiantly said while Archer shot barrages of blades at Spartacus to keep him at bay, Achilles dodged Serenity's nimble leaps and attempts to touch him in the foot, and Medea and Atalanta just sat aside, chatting happily. "I'm not here for you! I come for your ringleader! Well, the second at command! Same difference! And, um, I suppose we came for Lancer of Red as well..."

"WHAAAAATTT?!" Mordred shouted. "FATHER, YOU IDIOT!" she charged madly again. "You would visit that witch and Lanky Boy but not me...! Die, die, die, die...!"


"Perhaps," Karna stoically said as he played videogames with Caragiri Jinako, both of them sitting in her bedroom, "I should head out and join their fray. My blood boils for it, you know."

"Launcher, you promiiiiiiiiised!" the thick brown haired woman protested. "We aren't stopping 'til we've cleared the last Singularity, remember?!"

"We always could just pause the game," the Hero of Generosity said as the room shook from another explosion outside. "It is rude, not greeting visitors with the honored traditions."

"Do you want me to use one of these?!" Jinako snorted, holding a fist with her Command Seals up.

Karna sighed. "Who made it so these things renewed themselves? Grand Order has much to explain."

Rin kicked the bedroom's door open. "Jinako-san! Come with me if you want to live!"

"Yiiiiiiiiiii!" the otaku jolted up. "A socially successful person! My sole weakness!"


"Ahhhh!" Shirou trembled, shaking his hand and looked at what had just fallen off it. "A spider?!"

The scene shifted to Shirou walking on the walls of his bedroom. "Awesome! I have gained incredible powers I must use for the cause of profit!"

The scene shifted to Shirou cradling a dead Kiritsugu's body. "It's all my fault!" the boy sobbed. "I should have known! Fath- I mean, Uncle Kiri, from now I'll only use my powers for the cause of Justice! For, with great power... comes great responsibility!"

Heroic Spirit Stan Lee flashed a smile and thumbs up. "Excelsior!" he said right before Heroic Spirits Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko punched him in the head.

The scene shifted to Shirou gasping, sitting on his bed. "Aunt Taiga! This is wrong, we shouldn't...!"

The woman standing on his doorstep wearing striped lingerie under a transparent negligee purred. "Face it, Tiger. You just hit the jackpot..."

"WAAAAAHHHHH!" Archer shouted, madly waving his hands to destroy Shirou's latest dream. "You pig, everyone's watching!"

"Why are you so mad? It's not your dream anyway!" Mordred scoffed as Semiramis pulled Shirou's tongue out of his mouth and analyzed it. Everyone waited for the results until the Wise Queen of Assyria stood back and shrugged her shoulders.

"There's nothing to do, since there's no poison whatsoever in the boy. He's healthy as a bull!"

"The hell you say?!" Rin said while all the others gasped and Shakespeare took frantic notes under a dramatic music score. "What else could it be then?!"

"Why should I know?" Semiramis retorted, annoyed. "My fields of expertises are poisons, pigeons, gardening, politics, dance and music! The boy doesn't have any poison inside, a pigeon obviously didn't do this, plants don't knock people out, politicians would have made it much messier, and Nero says she didn't sing to him, so that discards that as well! I can't tell you what did happen to him, but I can tell you it was not any of that!"

"I can confirm," Spartacus nodded and growled, the top of his head grazing the ceiling. "Deaths by oppressors are much bloodier!"

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" Artoria insisted.

Jinako turned to Hakuno, who was cutely stroking her own chin in deep thought. "Hakunon? You always fix everything, so what's your take on this?"

Finally, the girl opened her mouth and began talking again on the most sensible course of action now that every other venue seemed exhausted.

"Of... Of course, it's so logical!" Nameless said. "Brilliant deduction, Master, I mean, Hakuno-san!"

"If Emiya-kun wasn't poisoned, and there aren't blunt marks of violence on him, he must've been knocked out through hypnotism!" Rin snapped her fingers. "That narrows it down a lot, there aren't many Servants who can use hypnosis!"

"Isn't that a very common skill amidst magi, though?" Karna asked blandly.

Rin's eyes shrank to dots as everyone else sweatdropped. "That... That is right..." the Tohsaka heiress admitted finally.

"Okay, it's still not Illya's style, so..." Artoria began flipping through her Universal Handbook of the Type-Moon Universe, occasionally lingering on the Takeuchi illustrations of herself, "Let's see, magi infamous over using hypnosis... Huh, here it says Waver Velvet hypnotized an old couple so they'd thought they were his parents? Worth a try, I suppose."


Clock Tower:

"- and you took a flight all the way here JUST FOR THAT?!" a disbelieving Professor Velvet, sitting behind the desk of his office. "Seriously, Rin, if it's basic hypnotism, anyone could do that! I taught you better than that!"

"Hey, I told them!" his student protested back. "But do you think they ever listen?! No, they are History's Greatest Heroic Spirits and they always know better!" She looked around. "By the way, Sensei, I don't see your relic anywhere. Did you summon him again?"

"What? No!" the long haired man said, tensing. "I've moved on and let go of the past! I, I'll tell you what, I'll ask Donet to cover for me for a weekend or so while I fly back with you and study the case, but-!"

Rin hummed, began pacing around a wall feeling it all over, and hummed again. "Hmmmm!"

"D-Don't look around there, pay attention while I'm talking to you!" Waver gasped, trying to reach over. "What's so interesting about a wall anyway, it's not like you'll find- Fuck it all!" he swore, slamming a hand on his face as the secret door opened itself.

Artoria, who had entered the office along Rin, rushed over to her side, peeking into the secret door with a loud gasp. "Rider! What have they done to you?!"

"... huh?" the tanned giant of red hair looked away from his Jumbotron TV screen, setting his game in pause. He was wearing a tight 'Buster' muscleshirt, plus torn jean shorts and swirly-lensed otaku glasses. Several soldiers from his Ionioi Hetairoi stood around in similarly casual attire, a few fanning him with old gaming mags, others pouring soda and snacks for him. "Oyyyy, Saber! It's been a while! Care for a battle?! This game offers the best combat experience ever!"

"I, I, I just can't believe it, King of Conquerors, what has this man reduced you to?!" Artoria demanded, fully entering this small room cramped with all sorts of figurines, models, magazines and videogame systems and packages. "You, whose endeavours would stretch from ocean to ocean! Living within tiny quarters while your spirit lies broken!"

Jinako leered on with bright eyes, looking over Artoria's shoulder. "The hell are you on, Saber-san! This is great, he's LIVING THE LIFE! Also, I can't believe you don't get the Sensha no Otoko reference from April Fools 2009! Ohhhhhh, you reached Babylonia already...!" she gushed, scooting by the massive Rider's side. "That's awesome, I've only made it to Londinium so far...!"

"Ahhh!" he laughed thunderously. "I see that you are a woman of culture! Good, good...!"

Right outside the office, Gray sat on a chair miserably. "Please don't get any closer," she bitterly told Nero and Mordred as they regarded her curiously.


Back to the Emiya Dojo...!

"I see, it's all clear, now," Waver said after studying Shirou's placidly sleeping form. "It's odd that Lady Medea wouldn't know about this, but it's a relatively recent and clandestine spell, I suppose." He shrugged. "The first recorded instance of the Snow White spell only dates as far as 1938."

"Snow White spell?!" echoed Artoria, Mordred, Rin, Ayako and Serenity.

Waver nodded. His hand hovered over Shirou's body until he stuck a hand into one of his pockets and pulled out a small plush doll with long black hair and red eyes. "It can be cast on meals, but for the best secrecy upon application, sealed charms are the best option. The magic leaks slowly, and even the best magi have difficulties detecting it until the spell has run its full course. Do you recognize this?" he asked, showing them all the doll.

"Illya!" Nameless gasped.

"Um, no, that doesn't look like Emiya-kun's sister at all..." Ayako pointed out.

"Okay, Illya's Servant, same difference!" the Archer said. "It was so obvious, the whole time! If we'd only listen to Hakuno-san...!"

Hakuno nodded very sagely.

"Yes, it makes sense, Shirou's accepting gifts from Illya all the time, even when I tell him not to," Artoria said, stuffing her mouth with chips from a huge bag of German delicacies in her hands. "But what's her endgame, then? They were getting along of late..."

There was a huge boom on the roof, and down and through it, leaving a gigantic hole in his wake, a musclebound, shirtless colossus of gray skin, red eyes and messy long black hair dropped on his bare feet before them all, startling the addressed Masters and Servants. The tiny, white haired albino dressed in purple and clinging to one of his shoulders giggled.

"Yes...!" the little girl said mischievously. "Took you long enough, 'history's finest'! Seriously, do you have any idea how long Berserker and I had to wait up there, until it was the right moment to drop by?!" she screeched, making a jarring change to anger. "I should have left a note, then maybe it'd have taken just three of you to read it and figure it out!"

"Illya, why?!" Artoria gasped, even as the mighty Heracles, Prince of Power, picked Shirou up in his arms, bridal style. "Do you still hate Shirou so much?!"

"Hating him? Hating him?!" Illya said, staring daggers at her. "You haven't figured it out yet?! The answer is in the name, morons!"

"Ah, of course!" Serenity snapped her fingers. "Snow White spell! That means you need a hunter to pluck his heart out to break it!"

"That makes no sense whatsoever!" Mordred said. "It's clear it means you have to make him kiss a frog!"

"That's the wrong fairy tale!" her father scolded. "Snow White only woke up when someone put a glass slipper in her foot, what has that Grail been teaching you?!"

Caster of Red frowned. "Okay," he coarsely said, unamused for once. "It was cute at first, but it's just annoying by this point. A KISS, PEOPLE! To wake him up, HE NEEDS A PRINCESS' KISS!"

"Aaaahhhhhh!" everyone present said, except for Nameless, Hakuno, Karna and Waver, who just facepalmed.

"No, that's not eit- I mean, yes, that's exactly it, someone got it right at last!" Illya said at her wits' end. "And of course, there's nobody more qualified as a princess than I, the Heiress of the noble Einzbern Clan! Daughter of Kiritsugu, King of Magus Killers! But also the biological daughter to Nagi Springfield the Thousand Master!"

Artoria blinked. "The Springfield connection is still canon?!"

"And now that you know it, I can leave you with the despair of knowing I'll kiss Oniichan and marry him, nyah!" Illya snuck her tongue out while pulling an eyelid down with a finger. "Let's take our leave, Berserker! To the nuptials!"

"GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAA!" Heracles shouted, taking impulse on his oversized feet before leaping out and crashing another hole through the roof.

"Oh, no, you won't!" Artoria roared, jumping out after them, and a moment later, so did Mordred, Nero, Serenity, Karna and Achilles, the latter of whom really were just bored and had nothing better to do.

Nameless blinked. "If she's still Nagi-san's daughter, why doesn't she just go after Negi?"

Rin kicked him in the butt. "And what are you waiting for?! Go after them!"

Jinako looked around. "Are there any vidyas in this house?"


Heracles bounced from one rooftop to the next, with Illya and Shirou, as the little girl just kept on waving at the astonished passerbys below.

"We're filming a movie about gas leaks!" she kept on saying cheerfully, then giggled, cuddling to Shirou's comatose body. "This is so great, Oniichan! Once I wake you up, the second phase of the plan will hit and you'll fall madly in love with me! Then you'll dump me on the bed and take me savagely all night long, and... Oh God, it's been eighteen fucking years in a castle in the middle of nowhere I can't take it anymore!" she panted, hearts in her eyes as she struggled with Shirou's pants. "Just a preview of the honeymoon, it won't hurt anyone!"

"GRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" Heracles objected.

Illya pouted, even though she let go of Shirou's zipper. "Oh, you moralist spoilsport!" she folded her arms. "Are you sure you're the son of Zeus?!"

"Illya, that's the King's property!" Artoria shouted as she and most of the other Servants raced after them. "Give up, this isn't the path to true love!"

Illya sizzled at her back over Heracles' shoulder. "Ah, no?! And what's true love then?!"

"I never mastered that part," Artoria admitted, "but I can tell you this isn't it!" Finally, they had corralled the Berserker against a Lexcorp Mall blocking their way, and they surrounded him from every direction, his back against the wall. "Turn him over, Illyasviel, not even you can fight this many of us at once!"

Meanwhile, inside of one of the many shops in the mall, Cu Chulainn, in one of his part time jobs, was smiling seductively at a woman trying on a set of fashionable glasses. "Of course you look like a goddess in them, Eriko," he reassured her, nicely putting on the smooth. "And I don't just tell this to anyone, you really should buy- SABER?!" he gasped, even as Artoria was thrown inside through several windows and stands, only to crashland at his feet. "What the hell, Saber?! You're having another mass brawl and you didn't invite me again?!"

Saber grunted, struggling back to her feet while the sighing customers of the mall began to peacefully make orderly lines for the emergency exits. "Stay out of this, Lancer. This is a matter of love!"

The Irish Hercules blinked. "... love...?"

Then Karna was flung from above on him, his expression never changing even as he crashed against the other Lancer, who shoved him off himself furiously. "See, this is why I liked the freaking War before, when it was an exclusive club!" Cu growled, changing back into his combat uniform and summoning Gae Bolg to his hand. "Now everyone thinks they can join in and gum the works up! Okay, who's attacking you this time?! Gilgamesh?!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Heracles bellowed, breaking down through several upper stories and landing squarely on Cu even as Karna simply moved aside without a word.

"... ah," said the twitching person under the Greek demigod's feet, an arm twitching out in the open. "Him!"

"Enough!" Karna said, swinging up with his divine spear and slicing Heracles' slab of rock in half with it. "You lost this battle the moment you engaged me..."

The Berserker looked at his fractured weapon, grunted, then tossed it aside and pulled the Hound of Ulster from under his soles, grabbing him by the legs and slamming him down on Karna's head.

"THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING UNTIL EPISODE 5...!" the blue Lancer howled in pain.

Several stories above, Illya panted and clenched a smile as Rin, Serenity and Nero surrounded her in the remains of a wrecked bridal store. She held the sighing asleep Shirou against herself with a hand, the other one summoning several dancing strands of sharp silver.

"Surrender, Illya!" Rin commanded. "You're outnumbered and you barely have any fighting power of your own, even if Ufotable says otherwise!"

"You've got no choice but letting me kiss him anyway!" Illya challenged. "I mean, you're not a princess, you're the daughter of a second rate family! Saber is a King, not a princess! And all other princesses we know aren't interested in him! It's either that, or letting him sleep forever, kek kek...!"

Rin winced. "Have you seriously just said 'Kek kek'?"

Nero sighed, lowering her blade. "You know what? She is correct."

"Saber-san!" Serenity whined.

Nero groaned, shaking a hand up. "I mean, think about it, will you! I'm not a princess, I'm an Emperor! To be a princess again I would need to revive my parents, and I wouldn't be fiendish enough as to summon Mother back to the living! Atalanta and Medea will not do it! Lord Mordred counts, that is for sure, but-"

"I, I, I do not!" Mordred howled madly, storming into the store while limping heavily. "I'm not a princess, you vile slanderer!"

Nero rolled her eyes. "See? So what if she kisses him? What is a kiss, but the fleeting touch of two lips in the unending stream of time?" she proclaimed, holding a red rose up and also snatching a bridal dress for herself, for you never knew when you could need one. "Let her enjoy the delusions of her youth! Before bitter reality sinks in! Alas, who are we to step between the ephemeral passion of siblings? Do we judge what you and your sister do behind closed doors, Rin? Nay, we do not!"

Rin blushed and screeched. "That's got nothing to do with this, this is kidnapping and manhandling...!"

"Whatever!" Mordred tossed her hands up. "You know what, the Whore of Babylon's right, let the brat have it her way! It'll break Father's heart but it's his fault for not looking after his woman!"

"But-!" Serenity still tried to protest.

"Are you going to kiss him then, Poison Ivy?!" Mordred barked at her.

Serenity shrank back, whimpering. "That's cruel from you...! I would if I only could...!"

"Well, you can't, and that's it!" Illya further bullied her, setting Shirou down. "So nyah! Now that's settled, pucker up, Oniichan, here comes your sugar..." she cooed, pursing her lips up while Rin and the three Servants only could stare on, wide eyed.

And then she kissed him in the mouth.

Chu!

Nothing happened.

A single long hair sprang from Illya's scalp as she stiffened, then a second one, and finally most of them went rigid upwards as she wailed. "WAAAAHHHHHH! It, it, it FAILED?! But how...?!"

Rin blinked, then broke into hysterical laughter, pointing and slapping herself on the knee. "Oh, I knew it, I knew it! You poor girl! Looks like your blood's not blue enough either...!"

Illya took both hands to her own head, despairing. "Aggggghhh, not fair! My horoscope said I'd find fulfillment and romance this week! If you can't trust your horoscope, then who?! WHO, I ASK?!"

A little black haired girl of large purple eyes peeked into the room. "Ahhh, Tohsaka-san? I thought that was you, I was buying a few things for Luvia-san and since I saw you, I wanted to ask about Emiya-sempai..."


Medea looked at the weakly twitching, red and blue battered lump of meat Heracles was dragging after him as they sheepishly arrived back home. "Is that Lancer?" she aloofly greeted them from the doorstep.

"It is... a long story," Karna said, and then the fearless Hound began evaporating into so many ascending blue sparkles, leaving a small blue chest behind. "Ah, you killed Lanc- You killed him. You aren't human," he told Heracles in a monotone.

The gray giant shrugged. "Grrrrrrrnnnnnffffff!"

"Never mind that now," Medea said, stepping aside and letting Artoria walk in with Shirou in her arms. "Still no results, I see! Well, it was to be expected. I could make the sacrifice and kiss him if you surrender to me, Saber."

Artoria sighed, setting Shirou down on a couch while Iskandar, Waver, Jinako and Hakuno could be heard playing videogames from the next room. "I suppose I should. If it's for Shirou's good..."

Achilles frowned, annoyed at not having anything to do for the whole episode. "Oh, come on! Just let me call Atalanta over, you don't have to put up with this!"

Medea began shooing him away. "What do you know on the matter of princesses, other than waging wars to rescue them? Go fix yourself a sandwich! Making that decision for a pure maiden, the nerve of you...!"

Shirou hiccuped in dreams. "Shazam... Shazam..." he was muttering to himself.

"Okay," Nameless sweatdropped. "I don't even want to think of how Taiga fits into this one."

Nero frowned, bopping Shirou in a temple. "Why isn't he giving image anymore? Did he become a radio while we weren't looking?"

Then Gray, irritated and moody, walked out of said next room. "It took all of you long enough," she said with quiet bitterness, before nonchalantly walking up to Shirou, grabbing him by the back of the head, and hastily plastering her mouth on his, while the eyes of Artoria, Illya, Mordred, Serenity, Medea, Rin and Nameless all popped out of their skulls. "Never let be said I never did anything for you!" the last living descendant of the Pendragon royal house muttered, wiping her mouth with the back of a hand and stomping her way back to Waver's side.

Shirou's golden brown eyes snapped open. "You know, I just had the weirdest dream of all," he stiffly said.


Continuation of the Dream.