Chapter 78
Downer
Hi sorry for not updating - too much work as usual.
Hope you and your friends and family are all safe.
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Stay safe
Daryl
After we finished, Merle held me from behind and crossed his arms over my chest, crisscross. He turned all deadly serious suddenly.
'How long?' He asked and buried his face in my shoulder.
No need to ask him what he meant.
I hated how my voice quivered when I answered 'Since that day we stole from that stupid store and got caught.' I didn't add 'When you ran away and left me to face the cop and Dad alone'.
Mele held me tighter to him
. 'Darlena…' His voice cracked with pain. 'Fuck, that was like in the beginning of summer!'
'Yeah. Just before school was out forever.'
'Ya mean to tell me he's being doin' that shit to you for like - 3 months?'
'4 months, 2 days, 14 hours and 91 minutes.' I corrected him in a small voice and automatically curled into myself, feeling the tears misting up but not wanting to wipe them away in front of him. The date and the time of that terrible day was emblazoned into my memory forever. 'It's already September, dumbass, remember?'
'I forgot.' He turned me around to face him. Didn't ask me any more questions about what Dad had done to me but just kissed me more gently than usual. As if he could make it all go away. I guess it was the only way of showing sorry that he knew how and I could practically feel the guilt leaking out of him. As well as some other emotion…
Then he chucked me under the chin with his eyes glinting. I'll take us away out of here.' He announced. 'Ain't got nothin' to stay for, anyways.' I was beyond happy to change the sober mood and not think about that twisted fuck tied up in the woodshed.
My heart upped its tempo in excitement at the thought of getting out of there, going anywhere we pleased. Being free. He sounded like he meant it this time and in Georgia, there would be no truant cops chasing after me. I deliberately didn't think about that other pervert who had forced me to do stuff to him in his patrol car. I'd be 17 soon and Dad had no real claim on me if I wasn't under his roof and I planned not to be. Hopefully, I would graduate from high school not that Dixons did exams. Anyway, it would just me and my brother, trail-blazing across America and we could go and see other places – like the beach. I liked the thought of dipping my toes into the blue sea, having never seen it before except on TV. We weren't city folks but I also liked the idea of seeing Atlanta, too, just for the hell of it.
But then I felt a sharp pang. Eric was going to be back soon - he had said so. What if we lost contact for good and I never saw him again? Whatever we were to each other, he was my best friend and I wanted to at least say goodbye properly. In our rush, I hadn't asked him for his address or a phone number where he was staying. Not that I would have had the money for an expensive call to Italy, anyway.
I said nothing of this to Merle, of course. Didn't want to spoil things. Anyway, Eric aside, I couldn't wait to leave. I had nothing left there, only pain, my brother was right.
Merle suddenly jumped up from the bed, disturbing my ruminations.
'Hungry? Let's have some beer and chips. Think I still got some…' He rustled around in his pig-sty of a room until he found them. He deposited them on his bed gently and got on it, motioning me to come over and join him.
'Daryl, you've been a very bad, bad little boy who made his Daddy very mad.' I suddenly heard him croon behind me, loud enough like he was there in the room. 'Now, ya have to pay, son.'
I leapt up from Merle's bed and looked around me in terror but of course, there was no-one there. Dad spoke again, calling me all the filthy words under the sun he used whenever he 'punished me' in that special way, word for word. Loudest of all was 'Now straddle your brother.' I shook my head in confusion, staring at Merle who lifted his head to look at me. 'What's goin' on, little brother? Look like ya had the crap scared out of ya, just then.'
'I must be goin' crazy but I thought I heard...'' I trailed off, unable to put the feeling of hearing Dad's words in my head into words. Merle noticed then that I was really upset and immediately got off the bed to rub at my arms as I stood there in the middle of his room. The damn trembling was getting increasingly out of control and he was trying to calm me down.
'Hey, you're safe in here with me. Look at me.' He cupped my face in both hands and forced me to look up at him.
'Ain't gonna hurt ya, son, just do as I say and everything will be fine. You're safe here with me.' Dad echoed Merle. Or was it the other way round? I wasn't sure.
'Shut up, shut up! Leave me alone!' I screamed and put my hands over my ears to try to block him out.
'Hey, it's me.' Merle tightened around me and eased us both back down on the bed making me jerk back to reality.
'What?'
'Let's eat, make ya feel all better. Ya still high?'
'Couldn't eat if I wanted to.' I replied and swayed a little as a wave of nausea hit me. 'Still high though but it's wearin' off, I think.'
'Your body probably wants to sleep.' He went over to his drug stash under the floorboard. Would he notice that I stole from him? But he'd asked me before if I had taken some and seemed to understand but he was high then. Would he get angry now?
But he didn't say anything. Instead, just tossed a bag of pills over to me after careful selection.
I looked at him questions written all over my face, he smirked.
'Don't worry, they won't do nothin' to ya. Jus' help ya sleep, is all. 'Find those big pills, half yellow half white and while you're at it, grab me two of those bad boys."
'With everything that happened, I doubt we'll need pills to sleep.' I told him.
'All right, tell ya what. I get that ya don't want to take more drugs, little brother. We'll give sleeping without them a chance, huh?'
I nodded at that, grateful that he didn't insist.
But after half an hour when I couldn't sleep or stop my body from trembling, Merle got up and padded down to the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water for each of us and silently handed me one pill to me as he took two.
'Come on, get over here. Let me hold ya.' He said after we took them.
I felt him curl his arm around me in a second, pulling me close. With his nose buried in the back of my neck, I closed my eyes. It was kind of soothing to feel his breath behind me at regular intervals while at the same time as I could feel his steady heartbeat against my back.
'Now ya can sleep in peace, baby brother. He's out and can't hurt ya no more. Just you and me now. Ain't ever gonna let anything happen to ya, hear me?'
'Mhm.' I managed, with the feeling of being rocked gently to sleep. I didn't know if it was him doing it or the pill he'd given me. Finally, I was able to drift off without any bad dreams as long as he held me close.
I woke up though not aware of time at all, feeling a little too cool (Autumn was coming early to the mountains this year, apparently) and then I realized why. Merle had hogged the light summer cover to himself and was no longer holding me but facing the wall. Maybe that was the real reason I had awoken when he took his arm around me because I no longer felt safe rather than just being a little cold. My throat and mouth were also bone dry. I turned on the lamp (I knew it wouldn't be enough to wake up my brother when he was in a booze and drug-fueled slumber) and sighed again when I saw the empty glasses. Must have drained them when we took the pills but now it looked like he should have given me 2 like he had.
One was clearly not enough. Maybe I was getting used to drugs now after Dad forcing them down my throat? I could risk drinking that shit out of the bathroom tap but last time me and Merle did that we had the runs for like… 3 days. Dad was safely locked up outside the house but my persistent fear of him meant that I couldn't bring myself to even walk past my room just on the off-chance that that the fuckin' bastard was awake.
My father was right every time he called me a pussy or a sissy or 'his little bitch'. I was a coward, trembling at his shadow in every dark corner when he wasn't even there. I spied the baggie over on Merle's desk and thought about taking another one but decided against it. I didn't want to sleep the next day away.
Then I heard it and stopped my hand in mid-air.
Daryl
It sounded like he was sobbing.
I took in how he was curled up in a little ball, hugging his knees. Wrapped up in the covers and still shaking.
Disbelief took over my face as I processed it. Merle was crying? No way!
'Merle?' I whispered. Silence, but I could see his shape still shaking. 'Ya OK?' No answer.
'Dad... ' He moaned and I could tell he was still asleep. His voice was wistful and he sounded young. 'Why did ya have to do it to him? All that shit?" He was surprisingly audible even when he was talking in his sleep, sounding almost awake. 'Why d'ya do it to us?' I reached over and gave his shoulder a slight shake. Nothing. He stirred then, clearly getting more upset. 'What gave ya the fucking right to touch 'im like that, ya sick piece of shit?' He broke down into more sobs then, even in his sleep.
My big brother didn't sound like himself at all, he sounded sad and dare I say it – vulnerable, even. I'd seen tears in his eyes before but never this out and out weeping.
In other words, he sounded like...me. Little, weak pussy Daryl.
'Merle...' I tried a bit louder then, in a hurry to wake him up as it almost hurt physically to witness him reduced to that.
'What did we ever do to deserve it?' He replied. 'Why did ya make us…You sick fuck!'
'Merle...Wake...'
'No! Get off me!' He yelled, but I wasn't even touching him. He started frantically moving his arms, forcing me to move from my current position to avoid getting an elbow in my face.
I scooted over anyway again, his elbows and legs be damned. I took him by the arm and turned him round to face me before I straddled him and held him still as best as I could. His eyes were still tightly closed but he was still flailing about with his hands and kicking out with his feet. I knew what he was dreaming or more accurately, remembering. 'Dad...don't touch me there!' He moaned and thrashed about. 'Get off me.'
Now he really sounded like me. 'Merle! Wake the fuck up!' I shook him hard and yelled in his face, I even went as far as to slap it and he finally jerked awake. Looked surprised to find me over him. Raised his fist as I bravely stood my ground not moving an inch. He lowered it when he realised where he was and who I was.
'Wh...What?' He wiped the tears from his face. Stared at his wet fingers in disbelief. 'What the fuck?'
'Ya were dreamin', bro. Didn't sound good, neither.'
'Was I fuckin' cryin'?'
I decided to lie. 'Nah. Guess it's jus' sweat 'cos ya took all the covers and left me freezin'!' I punched his arm to show how annoyed I was and was relieved when he seemed to believe me.
'Come here.' He said in mock anger and wrestled me until he was on top and I was under him. To make him feel better, I twined my hands gently in his hair and drew his mouth down onto mine. Kissed him shamelessly in a most unbrotherly way until I felt his body responding. Somehow our moment in the shower last night had been crucial in me being able to trust him again after he didn't pull out of me straight away after I begged him to. But he had done so eventually.
I thought he would want more but he was obviously wiped out because when he came up for air, he let me go and lay down beside me. 'I'll save my energy 'til mornin'. Hopefully I'll dream about you instead, huh, little brother?'
I put my arm around him and he drew out a long, shuddering sigh before he moved closer to me, laying his head onto my chest. It didn't matter because I didn't mind being the older brother for once.
Yet as soon as he was asleep, Dad started talking in my head again and I got the shakes. I guessed part of it was the shock of seeing my seemingly invincible brother break down and I prayed that Merle wouldn't remember any of it or what Dad did to him when he woke up. His subconscious mind obviously knew what happened to him, though.
I couldn't get back to sleep and I needed something stronger to calm me down. But which pills would? I didn't want to risk waking my brother up and asking him. So, I picked up the baggie and guessed, using a childish counting rhyme Mama taught me when I was small enough to sit in her lap. Memories of her came back to me now and then and whenever they did, at least they blocked out the feel of my father's fingers tracing my bare skin.
Merle
I woke up and noticing the bed was empty, I quickly scanned the room, and saw him slumped over by the open window on the window seat. Not understanding the gravity of the situation at first, I had to stifle a laugh before my eyes landed on the yawning open baggie of pills and my addled morning brain caught up with what my eyes were showing me. In something akin to outright panic, I counted them quickly, just knowing some of them were gone.
I was right, I realized with a rapid change of mood noticing that 3 purple ones were gone. Four of them were enough even for me to have a bad trip and I was used to them! They probably wouldn't kill anyone even at that dose but they could mess with your head. Make you paranoid. Besides, Daryl was and still looked like a young boy. Not a single day over 14 even though he was fast approaching his 17th. I felt a stab of guilt at the stirring I felt down there, I regretted having these thoughts and feelings. It was wrong – wrong on so many levels even as my dick stirred. When I thought we'd both made peace with how we felt about each other last night.
But at the same time, my little brother looked as cool and beautiful as a fuckin' rock star. How could he be both at the same time? We'd gone to bed naked – I still was but he'd got dressed before he nodded off again in front of the window in the biker's black leather jacket I'd given him with the angel wings on the back. Along with the sexy, tight black jeans, ripped over the knees. He must have done that himself and the tight pants clung to the narrow lines of his lithe body.
I hoped that meant something. Him wearing my gifts to him.
Had he mistaken the downers for purple sleeping pills?
'Oh, shit, Daryl. What did you take, baby?' Even though I already knew the answer. I mentally punched myself for leaving the bag there.
No reaction, he just stirred and looked up at me from where he was like he was dreaming. I gave him a little time to come to his senses and he twitched and cursed. The feelings of guilt at wanting him only intensified when I saw my brother carelessly rubbing the sleep from his eyes like a child up past its bedtime.
'Daryl?' I tried a bit louder. Nothing. 'Daryl, what did ya take? Come over here and answer me! Wake up!' When he didn't respond, I got up and shook him roughly as he was clearly in no state to come to me.
He merely lifted his head, looking straight through me.
And flinched!
I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, as he slowly started to come to. 'No! NO! Get off me! Said I didn't want to!' He shoved me away and scrabbled backwards against the window.
With a sigh, I backed off when my worst fears were confirmed and crouched before him to make myself appear less threatening. Did he think I was Dad? Probably.
I had been stupid enough to think that he'd get over the bastard just because we'd finally beaten him. Deluded enough to think I could replace the asshole in his mind.
Looked like I had become the asshole in his.
'Darlena, calm down. It's me, Merle.'
'I know it's you, you fuck!' He screamed back at me. His barely suppressed tears mixing with his fury.
That cut me to the core. Then why was he acting so frightened and furious with me at the same time? 'Sh…'I tried to approach him.
'Stay away from me! Ya jus' like him. Ya always wanted me, you two are the same. Is that why ya never stopped him?'
'Listen to me, baby brother. I didn't know and I…' I was virtually paralysed by my regret and guilt. 'What's changed? We had a good time together last night, didn't we? It's those purple pills ya took – they bring ya down if you take too many. Look, I'll go and put my pants on if it makes you feel any better.'
He rolled his eyes and looked away while I did just that. Meanwhile, I did everything in my power with my back to him to calm myself down, to make my erection go away and not to seem like a threat. He was still skittish at times around me and if he could have read my thoughts, I wouldn't have blamed him. Last night when he gave himself to me for the second time seemed to be forgotten in his mind. Yet something was nagging me about that and maybe he could read the filthy thoughts in my head and that was the problem.
Yet he seemed calmer when I turned back round in my jeans and kept my distance. 'Jus' how long exactly were ya watchin' me 'wag' my cute littl' ass, Merle? Did ya want me ever since I was little boy, too?'
I had been on the verge of grabbing him but this little twisted revelation struck me dumb in my tracks. I felt sickened yet I still couldn't deny what he said. Truth was, I couldn't remember when my feelings for him had morphed into something else…
'Well, did you?' He screamed and turned to face the window and reluctantly let out a hopeless sob while trying to hide it by burying his face in his hands. As if he couldn't hold it back. All my desires immediately left me and I only wanted to comfort him.
'Was it every time I came out of the shower in only a small hand towel 'cos that was the only one we had back then? Did I flaunt myself at both of ya when I didn't bother to wear a fuckin' T-shirt outside that boiling summer when I was 8? Do you remember that July? How the roads melted and we had to put the fires out in the forest to save the animals? He sure does but not for how hot it was. He said I did it on purpose when it was only 'cos it was too hot to do nothin' else!'
I just stared at him in horror that Dad had been looking at him like that for so long. Putting the blame on him when he was just a little kid.
'He even said I should be fuckin' grateful that he stopped himself all those years!' His voice rose in fury. 'Fuck!' He slammed his fist down hard on the window-seat.
'Baby brother, none of it is ya…' I started but couldn't finish.
He must have seen my aghast expression because he turned back to look outside again. The scene outside the window showed that it was going to be a fine, warm day with the sun streaming down through the mostly green leaves before they all turned red and gold. A perfect day to go squirrel hunting. Maybe it calmed him. I only wished his mood matched the weather. I would have given anything then to take it all back, to get rid of the bitterness from his voice – he was far too young to sound so used up and old. He had his whole life ahead of him for fuck's sake!
I wanted to kill Dad. Let the same rage take over and punish him as I had Mike and the other perve – Carl Rogers. But when it came to it, I couldn't even kill our father for my little brother.
I would have done anything to take it all back.
To have looked and not touched.
If it meant he loved and trusted me like he once did.
Merle
He shrugged and got up while I tracked him anxiously with my eyes. I watched him fish out the half-bottle of whiskey hidden under a pile of my dirty laundry that I didn't even know I had. He didn't forget the pack of woodbines, of course. He lit one and took a drag, laid it down carefully on the ashtray laid there conveniently on the window ledge before he tossed the pack dismissively over his shoulder to me. Then he took a long swig from the bottle.
'What ya doin' here, bro?' I asked stupidly.
'Gettin' piss-drunk. What does it fuckin' look like I'm doin'?' He snapped at me while his blue flint like eyes sent sparks my way.
I smirked at that-he wasn't totally beaten down by everything then. He was a Dixon. Took a lot to destroy us and I felt a wave of pride hit me. My little brother wasn't no little sissy, it would have fucked most people up for life, going through the shit that he had had to endure lately.
God help me but his strength only increased his attraction to me.
The booze and the fag seemed to mellow him. 'Don't worry, brother. I know ya don't want to hear it and normally I couldn't bear to tell you all the sick little details. I'm sorry.' He turned around to look at me with a softening expression.
My heart lifted back into my chest and started beating again. He still loves me!
And all I could think about watching him nervously sucking on the woodbine, one after another – his mouth around the tip and blowing smoke in circles, was that I wished it was my dick he had his lips around instead. A shiver of lust went through me as I recalled last night and the expert moves he'd used on me with his tongue. Thankfully, all my guilt and horror at listening to him talk about what Dad did and the sick things he had said to him flew out of that open window along with his smoke circles.
And then, shamelessly, the thought came,
Maybe he'll still let me fuck him!
He came over to me then, trustingly, thank God. I held back, sensing that now wasn't the right time, that he wouldn't be in the mood after sharing that stuff about Dad. Maybe I'd put too much pressure on him the night before, insisting he take care of my hard-on and that was the reason why he couldn't trust me today now we were both coming down from the drugs. He'd been too high to care that much but I vaguely remembered what he'd said. That I was going to force him anyway.
It had made me feel sick to my stomach.
I was right as he crawled next to me with a questioning look.
'It's alright. We'll still tired – had a busy day yesterday, hey, Darlena? And all the drugs too…' I patted the space on the bed next to me and when he slumped next to me, I stroked his hair off his face and he buried it in my chest. I automatically wrapped my arms around him. Seemed like he couldn't sleep unless I did that and I felt a snap of satisfaction.
'Got plenty of time to sleep it all off. Then deal with Dad.' I told him as I drew the thick cover over both of us.
'Daaad?' His voice wavered when he lifted his head to look up at me in fear and fuck – his lip trembled. If that wasn't one of the biggest turn-ons, (not the fear, obviously) but that lip tremble and him looking up at him as if I was the only one who mattered to him in the whole wide world, the one he solely trusted and adored. Being everything to him then I didn't know what was. And fuck if I was ever going to do anything to hurt him and ruin that. Besides, I loved him – maybe more that I should have but what the hell. I'd screwed up last night, I admitted that- I had – by pressurizing him and making him feel like he didn't have a choice. Not even to tell me to get lost and go do for myself. Like I was the same as that ugly, old goat penned up outside.
It was walking a minefield with my little brother. Not knowing how to read his signals for certain, watching out for anything that might set him off and remind him of Dad and ruin the mood. I knew that the bastard had hurt him deeply in every way that could be imagined and more ways that couldn't be.
But Daryl was a Dixon. He was tough and he'd get over it. Eventually.
I'd make sure he did.
'Sh. It's OK, I'll be there all the time and he won't be able to hurt ya, promise.' I kissed the top of his head. 'Go to sleep.'
He ducked his head adoringly and snuggled against me.
It was the best feeling in the world – nothing could compare to it - having my little brother's love and trust.
