Pete watched the coastal cruiser head for Spider with his heart in his mouth, his voice as loud as he could make it across the water. He was moving the moment the cruiser passed, gritting his teeth against the plume of blood in the wash.
His hands grabbed at the shadow of Spider in the water and he nearly swallowed some in relief when Spider gasped for air beside him. He held tight and started stroking for shore, dragging Spider with him onto the beach. Spider's face was screwed up in pain but Pete pressed his hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat, Spider's skin damply cool and yet so hot beneath his touch. He stepped back as Spider sat up and the others crowded around. He turned his attention to the cruiser to distract from the way his heart was thudding but his eyes kept drifting back to Spider, shirtless and tan and safe. He swallowed hard, his hands clenched into fists. He'd been so good at ignoring Spider, good in the same ways he'd been at ignoring the Nav, the same barriers of rank and posting and the complete improbability of the other party reciprocating. And he was so good at locking it all down in a little box and making himself forget it, until moments like this when his blood still sang with adrenaline and Spider was grinning and wincing in turn on the sand.
He let himself feel for a moment, his eyes on the rise and fall of Spider's chest before he slammed the lid shut again. He didn't get to have this.
It'd been easy at first, to notice Spider's grin and his slim waist, and remind himself there were much safer things to fill his spank band with than shipmates. He'd always been good at that, locking down his more dangerous impulses, at least when it came to where he got his dick wet.
It was easy at first to cast Spider in the role of idiot Seaman who was likely to chop his own head off if left to his own devices - partially because he was - and let that distract him from the way his dick twitched when Spider bit at his lower lip when he was thinking. He had this down to an artform by now, it wasn't as though Spider was the first pretty face to catch his eye. After a while it always faded and he expected Spider would be no different.
And maybe it was because of this certainty that he hadn't recognised it before it was too late to stop. The way he couldn't stop his mouth from twisting with a smile as Spider cracked some awful joke. The way his eyes no longer just lingered on Spider's waist or arse or lips but also the way his face softened when he talked to kids. The way his chest felt when Spider stepped forward to receive praise, his shoulders back and his face so proud. The ways in which Spider had slithered into his life until he was watching a plume of his blood in the water and his heart was breaking.
Pete rested his head against the door of his cabin, taking a moment between changing out of his boardies to mentally slam his head into it and curse himself.
Fuck.
Knowing he had an actual thing for Spider didn't really change his life too much. He just put it in the same place as other stupid, career ending ideas like asking the Nav out or taking his shotgun home to kill the fucking cockatoos that woke him up every morning on shore leave. Things he knew better than to do, no matter how much he might want to. It should have stayed there too, because Pete had practice not doing the stupid thing, except he didn't account for alcohol and Spider.
Overseas shore leave always came with the faint sense of 'what happens in Vegas' and no one who spent any time with Navy personnel would be surprised to know it also came with a lot of alcohol.
Pete was drunk, the fun kind of floating, blurred feeling that comes after tipsy but before vomiting. He could blame 2Dads and his shots or Charge's guava mojitos but his own beer played an honorable role in his drunkenness too. He watched Swain and Bomber dance a lopsided tango to the driving beat of the club music, their bodies moving in a jerky stop motion under the strobes. He let his head rest back against the booth, feeling the slightly sticky feeling even spotlessly clean vinyl had and turned his face against it, mindlessly sticking and peeling his face off as he rocked his head.
"You good Buff?" Pete's mouth cracked gummily and he reached unsteadily for his beer to wash it clean only to find his hand intercepted and a bottle placed in it for him. He grinned up at Charge before swigging and then frowning when the bottle didn't bubble like he'd been expecting. He stared at it for a long moment, finally recognising the way the plastic crunched under his fingers and frowned.
"What?"
"You're plastered mate." Pete looked up at Charge, who looked bigger than usual, bigger and with more limbs.
Charge grunted and suddenly the extra limbs had a head too and there was another person in his booth. Spider leant into his shoulder, his head tipped back against the seat and Pete thought there was something he wasn't supposed to be doing.
"Okay, let's leave you lightweights in one spot." Charge was taking away the drinks on the table, including Pete's beer. He reached out for it but Charge just handed him another water bottle. "Nah mate, no more beer for you. Drink your water and sober up a bit before we have to get back to Hammersley." He handed Spider a water as well, which missed his mouth at first, drops landing on Pete's leg. Charge shook his head and left them. Pete stared at the bottle in his hand and figured hydrating couldn't hurt. It took two hands and a solid focused moment to drink but he was doing better than Spider who had the bottle between his teeth and was letting gravity do the rest. Pete stared at him, watching the way his mouth stretched around the plastic and tried to remember why he wasn't supposed to. Spider suddenly choked, the bottle falling from his lips and Pete flinched at the cool water on his club warm skin.
"Fuck, sorry Buff." Spider swore, uselessly swiping at the water on Pete's shirt until his fingers grazed a nipple and Pete bit back a gasp. Fuck, now he remembered why this was a bad idea. He tried to sit up but Spider just slipped further against him.
"It's fine Spider." He said, trying to catch Spider's hands but only managing to hit at them a few times. Spider stayed leaning against him but at least he stopped touching him. Pete lay his head back against the booth again and decided he could let Spider stay there, no one was going to question two drunken sailors leaning against each other in a club. Also, he wasn't too confident in his ability to get up and move somewhere else.
He watched RO flirt awkwardly with a local girl that he was fairly sure was working but he was almost as sure that RO hadn't figured that out yet. He watched it happen, feeling slightly sleepy as his blood alcohol started slowly ticking downwards.
He huffed laughter when she finally gave up on him making a move and left RO in favour of a dad-tourist in a polo shirt who'd been eyeing her from the corner.
"What?" Spider asked, his voice sounding similarly sleepy and Pete noticed how low he was getting in the booth.
"RO just failed at picking up a prostitute."
He felt Spider drag himself more upright, the whole of his side pressed against Pete's in a sweaty touch that should have been gross but really, really wasn't.
"I missed it!" He turned towards Pete, their closeness forcing his mouth into the side of Pete's head, Spider's lips brushing his ear as he spoke. His gut spiked hot and his hand twitched up just a little, aching to hold Spider where he was. Pete shot out of his chair.
He muttered "Toilet." to a startled Spider and staggered off in the direction of the bathrooms.
Club bathrooms were always a strangely sobering experience. Little unreal bubbles of ringing ears and harsh fluorescent light. They were a preview of your hangover while also making you feel somehow more drunk than you had before. It was echoingly empty and Pete leant against the sinks, elbows locked and head bowed, not even meeting his own eyes. He needed to get himself under fucking control. He was better than this. His hands gripped hard into the porcelain and he let out a long breath, straightening up abruptly when the door opened.
"Buff?" Spider sounded alarmingly sober and Pete wanted to do anything else but turn around and see him. "You okay?" Pete couldn't help the bitter chuckle that escaped him because he really wasn't.
Spider's hand on his shoulder made his eyes screw shut and his breath catch.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
He couldn't turn around. Could Not.
"Buff?" Spider's voice was closer now, his sweaty warmth just behind Pete's shoulder and his knuckles went white holding himself. "You okay mate? Can you look at me?" Spider was pulling at him gently and it was nothing against Pete's bulk but it was Spider pulling him and his body moved without his permission, peeling his fingers off the sink.
"Hey." Spider said smiling, mouth red and face flushed and Pete couldn't fight forever.
Spider's hand was still on his shoulder and Pete grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him in, swallowing the shocked sound Spider made as their lips connected, Pete's tongue darting forward to lick along his teeth. If he was going to destroy everything he wasn't going to half ass it. He dropped his other hand to Spider's waist, gripping at the soft dip he'd been trying so hard to ignore and hauled him forward, pulling him close even as he kissed him deeper. He knew the moment Spider shook off the shock, it was somewhere in his posture and somewhere in the way his hand spasmed on Pete's shoulder. Pete shifted on his feet, ready to rock back when Spider pushed him but a hand gripped the back of his head and the sink was suddenly digging into the back of his thighs as Spider leant into him, other hand tight on his hip.
Pete pulled back, gasping, looking up into Spider's grinning face.
"What?" He pivoted, stepping away from the way Spider's body was held against him and stared at him. Spider reached for him and Pete nearly let him catch him. Then, the bang of the outer door sounded and by the time a sunburnt tourist staggered in, Pete was pushing past him and out.
Pete had never been so tempted to go AWOL than he had that night. He'd thrown Swain a look and a head nod as he left the club and had staggered back through the streets to the harbour. He would have kicked his own ass for going alone in a foreign port but he couldn't face anyone else right then.
The Hammersley looked quiet and solid as he made it onto the wharf and leant against a bollard. He could see the faint shapes of the watch in the low light glow and knew his next step was to head up the gangway and check in. Those realities of Navy life were almost as much a part of him as his hands or feet. Being Navy was the only thing he knew how to do but for the first time he could almost imagine hiding on this dock and watching the Hammersley sail away. At least then he wouldn't be locked in a floating prison with twenty two other people, including one unsubtle idiot he'd been stupid enough to kiss in a fucking club bathroom. Pete stood for a long moment with his head in his hands, feeling increasingly, unfortunately sober before he faced his own self created nightmare and stepped onto the gangway.
Pete had a wonderfully blissful moment the next morning when the pounding in his head overwhelmed his ability to remember what a stupid fucking idiot he'd been. He lay in his rack with his face pressed into the pillow and groaned.
"You did have a big night last night didn't you?"
Pete pressed his face harder into the pillow, hoping for a moment that he'd manage to suffocate himself. "Swaino, if your sympathy doesn't come with panadol, I don't want it."
A hand poked him and he raised his head enough to see Swain holding out two pills and Pete's own water bottle. Pete rolled onto his side, wincing as his head protested the movement, and took the pills, swallowing them down with water that was just as welcome for clearing the crust out of his mouth as it was for easing them down.
He waved at Swain in thanks and let his head fall back down onto his pillow, eyes closed against what felt like unreasonably bright lights.
"I barely saw you last night, what did you even get up to?"
Pete had a sudden, unbidden memory of what Spider's mouth tasted like and he clenched his eyes closed even tighter. Thanks for the panadol Swain but no thanks for the memory aid that felt like being hit with a block of wood.
"2Dads' shots and Charge's mojitos." He answered, going for the truth Swain would accept.
He knew that he could honestly and actually answer 'I made out with Spider in a bathroom.' and Swain would pass it off as a joke but he didn't need that thought out there when he had no idea how much Spider remembered.
He groaned again and if he didn't have such a painful headache he would have considered banging his head against the wall. Swain put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Get a nice greasy breakfast in you and you'll be fine in an hour or two."
Pete bit back a laugh, if only it was that fucking simple.
Most of the sorry complement in the mess looked just as hungover as Pete felt, except Bomber who as usual managed to look insultingly fresh for someone who'd been up since the end of the middle watch, cooking bacon and scrambling eggs for the rest of them. Her lack of hangovers were a great skill for a cheffo but it didn't make him hate her smile any less. She grinned at his scowl and handed him a coffee.
"Feeling alright Buffer?"
He took the mug and the full plate she offered and gave her a look that promised revenge.
Pete wasn't usually one to put things off but he was gut wrenchingly glad when he realised Spider wasn't in the mess.
He put his head down, turning all his focus to forcing down the breakfast, because Swain was at least right about that, he'd feel better once he ate some grease. But his body stayed tense and his eyes shot up any time there was movement in the doorway.
Spider's arrival was anticlimactic after all his worry. He came in like he always did, whole focus on his plate and mug because even three years at sea couldn't take away the sting of the mocking he'd gotten his first week for spilling everything when a wave jostled him.
He sat down across the table from Pete and started eating without looking up.
Pete ate with one eye on his food and the other on Spider, his ears half-focused on the conversation around him as it meandered through everyone's night.
"She was working, RO." The sound of Spider's voice was enough to focus him onto what was being said but it was the content that sent a shiver of fear through him. If Spider remembered that conversation, there was no way he didn't remember what happened after.
Pete looked up and finally met Spider's eyes for the first time since he was pulling away with spit slick lips.
Spider winked at him.
Pete knew it was only a matter of time before Spider cornered him somewhere. Honestly, he figured he was just lucky it hadn't been in the mess that morning. He'd frozen when Spider winked at him and dipped his head, eyes on his breakfast as he mechanically ate the rest of it. He let his hangover be his alibi and stood up the moment he was finished, leaving Spider trapped with his plate between 2Dads and Swain.
Pete had always tried to be philosophical about waiting, watching time pass was basically every sailor's secondary speciality and Pete had always tried not to worry about what was coming. It was hard though when it felt like the moment in a horror movie when the music got suddenly intense and you could just feel something was about to happen. One part of himself wanted to avoid Spider, in the hope that he'd get the message and avoid the conversation altogether but he knew Spider too well to ever think that would be a possibility. Avoiding Spider would only make things worse.
Spider finally found him later in the afternoon, when his morning panadol had worn off and he was sore behind his eyes and slightly queasy. He was lurking unsubtly in the passageway when Pete took his clothes to the laundry and he nearly sighed with how obviously Spider followed him in.
He ignored Spider when he shut the door, just because he knew the conversation had to be had didn't mean he was going to make it easy for him. He tossed his clothes in the machine and carefully portioned his powder even as he could feel Spider shuffling behind him, not even having clothes to justify his presence. It couldn't last and eventually Spider's drive overwhelmed his anxiety.
"Buff?" His voice was questioning, hesitant and Pete hated that this was how it had to be. Hated the Navy for a split second for killing the possibility before there even really was one.
"Yeah, Spider?" His eyes were still on the washing machine, he didn't want to turn around and meet Spider's. A hand touched his back and he nearly jumped, the muscles in his back tensing. He really didn't want to.
"About what happened last night..." Pete nearly sighed, of course Spider would be straightforward about it. Pete pressed his hands to the cool plastic of the washing machine. He knew he needed to turn around and look at Spider but he also knew how much harder it would be to shut Spider down when he was meeting his eyes.
"Nothing happened." He said, finally turning to face Spider, his jaw tight. "I was drunk, you were drunk. Nothing happened."
He expected Spider's face to fall, to go from the hopeful smile he saw when he turned around to something much less. He didn't expect Spider's jaw to set and for him to step forward into Pete's space. He froze, utterly thrown, as Spider shook his head and looked down at him.
"You kissed me." His eyes flicked down to Pete's lips and he squashed the same stupid impulse as he had last night. "And it was good."
Pete tried to step back, feeling as though he had lost control somewhere. It was so fucking hard because he wanted nothing more than to pull Spider in. This didn't happen for him, and now the one time it had it was the time with the most reasons he couldn't.
"Spider, no." He sounded so weak saying it, pleading rather than commanding, as though Spider's reciprocation had stolen all of his authority. He put his hands up on Spider's shoulders and pushed him back, letting go the moment Spider gave him enough space to move. He stepped away from Spider for the second time in less than twenty four hours, his fists tight and his skin hot. "I can't."
Spider let him step away but his eyes didn't leave him.
"Why not?" He sounded so unconcerned that Pete wanted to smack him.
"Oh I don't know Spider, I'm your shipmate, your superior, a man?" His voice was sarcastic as he scowled at him.
Spider shrugged. "So were Nav and ET, they managed it."
Pete hated Spider for a second, hated him viscerally and completely. For his naivety, for assuming that the two of them could be anything like the Nav and ET had been, for not realising why that one thing that separated them from the Nav and ET made all the difference.
Pete shook his head and turned back to his washing, pressing the button and then stepping to the door. He shrugged off the hand Spider reached out for him but paused at the door before he opened it.
"They might have. We can't."
Pete sat heavily on his bunk feeling like a shit. He let his head hang and his hands came up to frame his face. Yesterday and today were not fundamentally different. He was just as unable to be with Spider than he had been before they walked into that bathroom. But knowing that this time it was because of him was going to follow him.
Because Spider was right, there were ways around frat regs. Ways to break the spirit but not the law. He could have told him to wait, because Pete had been with the Boss for three postings now and he knew there was no way they'd let even Mike Flynn stretch that to a fourth.
But he couldn't. Couldn't let himself put Spider in that kind of danger. Spider who was too naive to learn the unspoken rules of the Navy. Pete knew better than that.
1992 was ten years ago but ADFA and Recruit School had always been twenty years behind. Just because you changed a rule didn't mean you changed the culture.
Pete had just been Tomaszewski back then and Joseph had been Townsend. They'd been in the same intake, useless eighteen year olds who were thrown together on the basis of their last name. They'd been friendly - as much as you can when you're falling asleep in any free moment - but not close. That had made it easier when the whispers started.
Pete knew the drill - he'd played footy in high school - you didn't keep your eyes down when you were showering, that was saying you had something to hide; you made sure you joked along with the others and you always talked about girls. Maybe it was easier for him because he honestly did like girls.
No one seemed to have told Joseph those rules.
The group was always good at spotting the odd man out - no matter how subtle - and it only took a few weeks to smell the blood in the water.
Pete watched as the instructors noticed and he took note of the ways Joseph's checks got stricter, punishments harsher, jobs harder. He watched as recruits 'forgot' to wake him, as his kit went missing and hands were just too slow to catch him on obstacle courses.
By the time Joseph washed out with a broken collarbone Pete had gotten the message loud and clear.
Just because the rules allowed it didn't mean the people would.
He should have known Spider wouldn't accept his answer. Spider's stubbornness and refusal to quit were two of the things that had drawn Pete to him. He just wished those traits weren't currently turned against him.
Spider could be dense as a box of rocks sometimes but he was also a smart asshole when it least suited Pete. Pete had expected the next time he saw Spider would be with a cold shoulder but he really should have known better.
Pete could feel the muscles in his shoulders bunch when he spotted Spider in the passageway. They were heading in opposite directions and Pete could feel his pace slow as he realised who it was. He was ready for Spider to scowl at him or to pretend he didn't exist. What he wasn't ready for was Spider's easy smile and his accidentally-on-purpose brush as he slid past Pete. Pete turned and stared at him as he disappeared back to junior sailors quarters. He hadn't been imagining it, Spider's hand had - just briefly - rested on his hip. In anyone else he would have passed it off as an accidental touch, or a simple physical direction. But he remembered Spider's hand on his hip, holding him still as Spider kissed him.
That's when he knew he was in trouble.
The next week was just about the most consistently turned on Pete had been since he was a teenager. The last time any of them had seen Spider seriously flirt with someone had been with Ray Walsman's daughter and he'd been a mess of awkward teenage posturing and cringeworthy conversation. It was honestly - and Pete said this as a man who was unfortunately infatuated with him - only because he'd been the only eligible man within 200 kilometres that he'd even got as far as he had. That Spider had barely appealed to Pete, even physically, lanky limbs and soft face but sometime in the last year that softness had faded and left a man who was unfairly confident, if still juvenile in his approach.
Spider kept touching him, hands on his sides, his back and once in a secluded corner, his arse. And Pete couldn't help himself but lean into them, if only just for a split second, too frozen by the heady feeling of touch. He cursed himself every time because when he didn't pull back he encouraged it, encouraged the growing smirk in Spider's smile as he believed he wore down Pete's defences. And he did, his touch leaving Pete aching and hard, biting his lip under a cold shower because he knew that if he gave into his own hand with Spider on his mind that he wouldn't be able to say no again. He wanted Spider, but the cold flush of panic as he thought about being caught always reminded him of why he said no.
He was almost surprised it took a full week for him to break. They were trudging through a tangled tropical mess looking for evidence of drug smuggling. Pete had almost objected when the XO had paired him and Spider, his stomach squirming at the grin on Spider's face. Then he'd considered the questions he'd have to answer and subsided with a sigh, readying his control for another trial.
It had started the moment they were out of earshot of the others.
"Anyone ever tell you your arse looks hot in the DPNU's?"
Pete pinched his nose and sighed. He shot a look at Spider who grinned at him, the face of a man certain he'd be facing no consequences for flirting with a superior.
Pete pointed his finger sternly at him. "You take the lead Spider."
All he got was a grin and Spider overtaking him, his hips swinging ridiculously as he walked. Pete sighed again, what the hell did he see in him again?
Just because he couldn't call out his opinion of Pete's arse didn't mean he stopped talking though.
"I think about your arse at night." Spider said into the jungle buzz a few minutes later. The nonchalant way he said it punched Pete in the gut, his dick stirring in his jocks. He bit his lip, desperately forcing the images from his mind. Spider didn't stop though, not even turning to check the impact of his words.
"Think about what it would feel like." Pete clenched his fists, his steps faltering in a way he knew Spider could hear.
"Think about rubbing my dick against it."
Something in Pete snapped and he grabbed Spider by the shoulder, spun him and slammed him into a tree.
He was close enough to see the way Spider's eyes were blown wide in arousal at the feeling of Pete pressed against him. Spider's mouth dropped open and it took every fraction of Pete's control not to kiss him.
"Spider." He ground out, low and deadly serious. "You need to stop."
Spider's face screwed up and he scowled at Pete, looking all the world like a child denied a treat.
"Why?" He sounded confused and frustrated. "I know you want me." He bucked his hips up into Pete's. "I can feel your dick."
Pete bit into his cheek to stop himself from chasing the feel of Spider's thrust.
"It doesn't matter what I want. We can't." He said, willing Spider to understand.
"You said that already." Spider replied plainly, his gaze level. "But you didn't say why."
It was the serious look in his eyes that pinned Pete. The silly touches in the passageways and Spider's crude attempt at seducing him made it easy to pass him off as a horny idiot looking to get his dick wet. But the man who was looking back at him was the one Pete had fallen for, solid and capable and undeniably desirable.
Pete sighed, forcing himself to step back from Spider, his hand coming up to rub against his prickly scalp.
"You know why Spider." He said, hearing the heaviness in his chest in the words.
Spider licked his lip and met his eyes, face serious. "I can wait six months."
Pete's breath left him and he folded a little, a sudden sharp ache in his chest.
"It's not just about being on the same ship, Spider, it's about being Navy." He said, willing Spider to understand, but Spider's forehead just creased and he frowned.
"What's the problem with being Navy?"
Pete let out a long, slow breath. "Because the Navy doesn't like people like us."
Spider stared at him blinking. "What?"
Pete almost growled at him, anger bubbling up at Spider's refusal to understand.
"The navy doesn't like having sailors who fuck other men." He finally said, grinding it out between gritted teeth.
Spider's head was shaking slightly as he answered. "That rule's been gone for nearly twenty years!" His eyes were wide and earnest. "I checked before I signed up!"
"What's that got to do with anything?" Pete replied after a long silent moment, his voice bleak and quiet. Spider froze.
"What?"
Pete looked at him, his face hard and his shoulders slumped.
"What do rules have to do with what the Navy allows?"
He watched understanding finally dawn on Spider and could have sobbed in relief.
"But…" Spider tried to question but Pete cut him off.
"We need to get back to the search."
He turned and started back along the path, feeling his tremors of adrenaline in his limbs and hearing the quick steps as Spider finally started after him.
Spider stopped touching him but he didn't stop watching him. Pete knew it was his own paranoia that let him spot every glance but he felt raw and exposed every time.
He and Charge were leaning against the stern deck railing, fishing poles in hand and a nice breeze to cut the heat.
"You know, this reminds me…" Pete grinned out at the water as he tuned out another one of Charge's stories. He didn't need to listen to it to know it was either the giant snapper story or the seagull story. Charge didn't seem to need his full attention either, so long as Pete was nodding, he was happy. Pete let his eyes drift over the ship, noting the glare of light off the bridge windows and the lonely figure on watch. Even before he moved out of the direct sun Pete could recognise Spider, far too aware of the shape of him. He cut his eyes away, careful not to look too long. Eventually he allowed himself to look back and nearly flinched when he found Spider's eyes already on him. Spider didn't look away and just stared back at him for a long moment before looking back out to sea.
"You good Buff?" Charge's change in tone snapped him back to the conversation he was supposed to be part of. He grimaced internally before looking to Charge with a shrug.
"Yeah, I've heard this one before though."
Charge just watched him, his eyes perceptive. "You good Buff?" He asked again, this time more seriously.
Pete forced himself not to glance back up at Spider and ignore the way his heart started thudding.
"Yeah, all good Chargo." He slapped Charge on the shoulder and turned back to his rod, looking out to sea. He could feel Charge's eyes still on him and just knew they weren't the only ones.
Spider's disbelief in what he had told him was almost a physical thing. He could see it in the way Spider looked at him, in the way he almost scoffed when Pete tried to keep the distance between them. It was for Spider's own good, if he wouldn't take it seriously Pete would do it for him.
He should have remembered though. Don't look down, that was saying you had something to hide.
He'd managed to avoid so much as stepping into the same RHIB as Spider in the week since their silent and awkward return from the island. He'd avoided eating with him and talking with him and by luck avoided watches with him. He was so pleased with his achievements that he failed to notice two things. Firstly, the mulish and frustrated tilt to Spider's chin as Pete refused him even eye contact. Secondly, that deliberate distance was just as noticable - possibly more so given their cramped quarters - than closeness was.
"So what did young Spider do now?" Charge's question was unexpected and Pete suppressed a flinch from his place around the table. The others had wandered out after dinner, a few to duty, a few to email family and left Pete and Charge comfortably settled in the mess room.
Pete felt the muscles in his jaw ripple with tension as he turned to Charge.
"Nothing? At least not more than his normal stupidity."
Charge looked at him very blandly, his eyebrow raised.
"I was talking more about the way you've been avoiding him like a bad smell the last week."
Pete's mind whirled, reaching for an answer that was not just denial.
Charge just looked at him in a way that felt too knowledgeable and Pete's insides froze. He wondered if Charge could see the panic on his face that he was so desperately trying to shove down.
After a long moment in which Pete's mind raced for an answer, Charge just shook his head.
"Alright, but cut the guy some slack, he's not as bad as he was, he's turned out as a pretty solid sailor."
Pete smiled a little and nodded absently. Charge clapped him in the shoulder and left him, heading out the door.
Steel drum barbeques were an excellent distraction from the expectations of duty. Pete leant back against the railing, head tipped back to soak up the sun, beer ration in hand. He was tired. Being so constantly watchful was wearing on him and he closed his eyes and let the sun warm him, let the background babble of conversation drown everything out.
He felt the person settle in beside him and knew it was Spider without so much as cracking an eye. He took a long, silent moment to enjoy standing there with the warmth of the sun on his skin and the solid presence of Spider beside him. Finally, he sighed and tipped his head forward, opening his eyes and taking a swig of his beer.
"Hey." Spider said quietly.
"Hey." Pete replied, just as quiet. He was so exhausted by the whole dance, frightened that everything he did was one giant red flag.
Spider put his hand down on the railing between them and Pete shifted slightly away. Spider sighed and Pete stiffened, his focus outwards, scanning the crowd.
He heard another heavy huff of breath from Spider.
"I need to talk to you." Spider said after a long moment. Pete opened his mouth to refuse but Spider beat him to it. "I'm going to talk to you either here or elsewhere. You make that decision Buff." His voice was clear and without compromise. Pete wavered for a second, looking at the stubbornness on his face before nodding and pushing off the railing, heading back into the ship.
The ship was still, everyone either on deck or on watch and Pete headed into the mess, hearing the way his footsteps echoed in the silence. Spider followed half a minute behind him and Pete supposed he should be grateful he even bothered with that much.
They shifted awkwardly for a minute after Spider walked in, stepping close to Pete. After a long silence finally Spider met his eyes and spoke.
"You need to stop."
Pete frowned at him. "What?"
Spider sighed and gestured vaguely at him. "Stop all this bullshit." His eyes lost their resigned softness, suddenly glinting with anger. "I think that you're worried about nothing. I think that so long as we're not idiots there's nothing stopping us from being together. But you don't and I can't force you." His mouth was twisted in the kind of anger Pete had almost never seen from him.
Pete didn't know what to say, there wasn't really anything to say.
"But if you don't want anyone to notice you're being an idiot about it."
That got a reaction from Pete because he was fucking right but he didn't know what else to do. He sucked in a breath and ran his hand roughly over his head.
"What if I don't know how?" He finally admitted after a long silence filled with rising tension.
"Buff." Spider bit out, his voice just on the edge of snapping. "That's your problem. I don't care if the whole ship knows you have a thing for me. I'm just telling you that you're really fucking obvious at the moment." He straightened his shoulders, pulling himself up to his full height and Pete was suddenly reminded of how young he was and felt even more like a dickhead.
Spider smiled tightly and pushed himself off the wall he'd been leaning against.
"You don't want to date me? Fine." He stepped towards the door. "Try not to be an idiot about it though." He walked through the door without glancing back and Pete stood, listening to his footsteps falling away in the passageway. After they had disappeared entirely Pete let himself fall into a seat, his head dropping down and resting in his hands as he released a breath that shook.
Shore leave in Darwin was barely different from shore leave overseas, with the same sense of freedom and copious drinking. Pete nursed his single beer carefully and tried not to feel bitter. He wanted to be drunk, wanted so badly to sink into an alcohol soaked haze that would let him forget for a moment all the reasons his life was hard. He let his eyes flick to the reason for his self enforced sobriety. Spider looked unfairly attractive in the low light and forgetting all the reasons why he shouldn't touch him seemed like a dangerous path. Pete manned the table as he watched 2Dads drag Bomber and Spider onto the dance floor. Swain sat beside him, declaring himself too old for dancing when Bomber had tried to drag him with them.
"I really hope they don't do something stupid." Swain said after a few minutes, his eyes on the dancing figures. Pete looked at them, Spider and 2Dads had Bomber held between them in a way that sparked an angry heat in him.
"With 2Dads involved, it's almost guaranteed." He replied without thinking too hard. "What's your worry?"
"Has anyone reminded them about fraternisation rules lately?"
Pete's stomach soured even more and he put down the bottle he'd just raised abortively to his lips.
"Didn't think we had to, which one are you worried about?" He asked, trying for nonchalant.
"Either." Swain said, swigging from his beer. "Though it looks like 2Dads is the frontrunner tonight."
Pete switched his focus back towards the dancers to see what Swain had spotted. Bomber had turned towards 2Dads and Spider was being pulled into a crowd of locals.
"We doing anything about that?" Pete flinched as Charge dropped down into the seat next to him, nodding towards Bomber and 2Dads.
"Just talking about it now." Swain replied but Pete couldn't stop his focus from being drawn to where Spider was dancing. His arms were in the air and his shirt pulled up to show a sliver of skin. Pete's fingers itched and he clenched them as he tore his eyes away.
2Dads' hands were now low on Bomber's hips and Swain sighed and levered himself up.
"I suppose if neither of you are going to do it." He commented blandly and Charge and Pete sarcastically waved him on.
There was something very funny about watching the guilty way 2Dads released Bomber's waist and the way she stepped back from him. Pete let himself grin as Swain returned to the table trailing them.
"Just be glad the X wasn't paying attention." He was saying as the three of them sat down.
Buffer grinned and shot a look over at the X who was very carefully facing away from the dance floor and drinking a glass of wine.
Pete ignored 2Dads' protestations of innocence and let his eyes stray back to the dance floor, back to Spider.
There were hands on Spider's waist and Pete felt jealousy bitter in his throat. His eyes were so glued to the hands against Spider's skin that it took him a long moment to notice the broadness of them. His eyes jerked up to Spider's dancing partner and the acid in his throat turned to stone. The person with their hands on Spider's waist was almost as tall as he was and undeniably masculine.
He felt trapped in a hot hyperawareness, his ears on 2Dads beside him distracting the others and the way the X was still staring away, focused on her wine. He wanted to stand up and stop it but there was no way for him to do it without drawing focus to Spider. Instead he watched, transfixed and terrified, every muscle tense and his heart thudding.
The hands on Spider's waist slid to his hips and the other man pulled Spider closer, their groins brushing with every movement. He watched the way Spider's head tilted back at the feeling and the way the other man ran his lips up the length of Spider's throat. Pete's fingernails were digging into his hands as his fists clenched against his thighs. He watched helplessly as Spider's mouth opened in a groan he couldn't hear and then his face tipped down. The ache in his chest turned to sharp pain as Spider reached down and pulled the man into a kiss.
A wolf whistle sounded next to his ear and it was enough to knock Pete's focus off the kiss. He glanced across and his stomach plummeted.
2Dads had his fingers in his mouth and a laugh on his face.
"Get some Spider!"
Pete's eyes rocked back to Spider who had pulled away from the kiss at the whistle and was grinning at 2Dads.
"I was trying to before you interrupted." Spider yelled back and Pete sat frozen, watching him dig his own grave.
"Curfew is at midnight." The amused voice of the X sounded from where she had finally looked up from her wine. "Don't turn into a pumpkin."
Pete's eyes were darting between all of them, from 2Dads's grin to Charge's laughs, Swain's indulgent smile and the X's rolled eyes. He was scanning their faces for any trace of the hostility he expected to find there and was seeing none of it. He didn't know what his face looked like but when his eyes finally returned to Spider but his laughing face lost some of its humour. He distanced himself slightly from his partner, a little red from the attention but once again the solid man Pete had fallen for. The other man stepped away as well, realising he had lost Spider's attention and turning quickly to better prospects in the crowd as Spider started walking back to the table.
"You not going to go chase him down?" Bomber asked as he joined them, she eyed the other man again and then looked back to Spider. "He was hot."
Spider smiled at her. "Someone ruined it for me." He commented, elbowing 2Dads out of the way to take a seat between him and Pete. "Maybe you should go try."
She punched Spider in the shoulder across 2Dads, sparking off a stupid shoving contest that was obviously an excuse to touch 2Dads as Spider leant back against the bench.
Pete was still frozen, his mind blank as he tried to understand what had just happened. He felt Spider slide closer and then his knee bump into his own. He swallowed thickly and looked up at Spider's calm profile and then down to where he was keeping his knee pressed against Pete's.
"Some things never change." His voice was almost too quiet to hear over the noise of the club and he didn't look towards Pete but he knew the words were for him. "But some things do." He dropped his hand down between them and almost imperceptibly rubbed his thumb against Pete's thigh. Pete's breath shuddered on the exhale and he let his hand fall onto his thigh, his fingers making the barest of contacts with Spider's. He let the conversation wash over him and tried to let fifteen years of worry out of shoulders that didn't know anything else.
"So, I'm hot right?" 2Dads asked, sitting sideways on one of the bridge chairs.
Pete's felt a chill but as he looked around all he could see was the X's rolled eyes and Spider's sigh.
"What are you asking me for?" Spider replied, not lowering the binoculars.
"I mean, you like guys right?" 2Dads pressed, ignoring the dismissal in Spider's voice.
"And have you asked Bomber or the X?" Spider still looked out the windows but from his angle Pete could see the slight twitch of a smile on his mouth.
"No!" 2Dads replied, sidling away from where the X made a grumpy sound.
"Why not," Spider said, shrugging. "They like guys." He finally pulled the binoculars away from his eyes and met 2Dads' gaze with a raised eyebrow. Pete made eye contact with the X who let her mouth twitch up at him.
"Putting aside the danger of that idea. I already know women think I'm hot." 2Dads wasn't deterred and Pete couldn't help snort at that. 2Dads ignored him and kept in at Spider. "I don't know if gay guys think I'm hot."
Spider sighed and leant against the back of one of the bridge chairs, his hip cocked and Pete couldn't help but run his eyes along the line of him.
"Bi." Spider answered after a moment. "And it's the same as with girls, not everyone likes the same thing." 2Dads was not taking the brush off though.
"Yeah, but we know if a girl is hot or not." Pete watched the X open her mouth and then decide not to get involved and sit back instead, an amused look on her face.
"You're not my type 2Dads." Spider answered dryly.
"What's you type then?" 2Dads asked, changing tack when he realised he wouldn't be getting an answer from Spider. Spider looked at him and 2Dads wagged his eyebrow.
"Like, am I closer or is Buff?" He looked between the two of them and Pete froze.
He could only describe Spider's face as 'careful' when he looked at 2Dads. He was silent for a long moment and then he glanced over at Pete. Pete met his eyes feeling flushed and exposed as Spider's eyes trailed over him.
"Well it's not you." He said, turning back to 2Dads with a smirk, giving him an obviously mocking up-and-down. "Too skinny and shifty lookin'."
"Oi!" 2Dads shouted and Pete felt the moment break and smiled, though he knew it came a few seconds too late. He watched Spider dodge an elbow from 2Dads and looked over at the X who smiled back at him, just a little sadly.
Pete leant up against the railing on the stern deck. He stared out into the waves, his eyes not really seeing them. A small noise suddenly drew his attention and he glanced up at the X, who looked surprised to have startled him.
"Ma'am." He said, straightening.
"Buffer." She replied, leaning down on the railing next to him and staring out into the ocean until he lost his formal posture and joined her.
"It's hard sometimes isn't it?" She said after a long moment of silence.
Pete stared at her in confusion. "Ma'am?"
Her lips twisted and she leant down on her elbows, sighing out a breath.
"Following the rules."
He froze, his hands tight on the wire rail but she kept her eyes out to sea.
"If you wait for something it'll never happen." She finally looked up at him. "You told me that."
He nodded helplessly at her, because he had but he wasn't sure what that meant for his current situation.
She turned away from the ocean and leant her elbows against the rail instead, her head tilting back to stare at the sky.
"Sometimes things stop us, but sometimes we have to be careful not to stop ourselves." She met his eyes again and they looked so sad for a moment he wanted to reach out to her. Then her mouth broke into a slightly bitter smile. "Not that there's anything wrong with following rules."
A huff of laughter broke out of him as he grinned at her, amused by the careful facade of leadership that had just slipped back into place.
"No Ma'am. Nothing wrong with that at all."
It felt wrong to have the conversation on Hammersley, the part of him that loved the rules and regulations of the Navy and the part of him that had not yet completely forgotten his fears agreed on that.
It was nearly two weeks until he had a chance. They were back in Darwin and it seemed fitting. This wasn't a late night visit and instead of a club they'd taken over a few tables in the pub, ordering wedges and beer and just feeling the stillness of dry land for a bit. Pete felt more relaxed than he had in months, his arms leaning on the back of his chair, a beer in hand. He looked at Spider and felt something spark in him, both anxiety and warmth. He swigged the last of his beer and stood, his eyes catching Spider's own as he walked to the bar.
There was no one on the verandah as Pete settled at the railing, looking out over the mangroves. The heat prickled at him and he let it wash over him as he acclimatised to being out of the aircon. He heard the door push open behind him and he didn't have to look to know it was Spider, settling beside him with his own beer in hand.
"Hey." Spider said, his voice soft.
"Hey." Pete replied, looking over at Spider, his eyes tracing the line of his mouth.
They stood in silence for almost a full minute before Pete spoke again.
"I'm sorry." He said, his voice careful. "I was kind of an asshole."
Spider grinned. "Yeah, but it'll be right. There's going to be some idiots around, but things have changed."
Pete huffed a laugh at his easy acceptance.
"Think you could get used to it?" Pete grinned at him, his joke hiding a real question.
"I think you've got enough to make up for it." He matched Pete's grin with a flick of his gaze down his body.
"Are you sure Billy?" The switch to his actual name sobered him and Spider leaned closer, turning his body into Pete's until he could meet his eyes.
"Yeah Pete. I'm sure." His voice was soft and Pete's chest ached. He reached out, grabbing Spider's free hand where it hung between them and cupped it in his own.
"You really want this? I'm older than you, and we'll be on separate ships and …" Pete started, the familiar worry seeping up in him.
"I reckon we can give it a crack." Spider replied, cutting him off, his hand turning in Pete's grip until they were standing close together, their hands clasped.
They stood there for a long moment, just looking at each other before Spider shook his head and stepped back a little.
"If it weren't for the Navy I'd be kissing you right now."
Pete let both his hand and his eyes drop, he wasn't sure he had much more control now than he had when half drunk in a bathroom. He heard Spider laugh and couldn't help looking up to where he was biting at his lip. His breath shook a little as he took his own step back, his eyes flicking to the glass door they'd both walked through and the people beyond. Spider saw his look and grinned a little sheepishly.
"It's going to be a long few months isn't it?"
Pete licked his lips and smiled back at him.
"Not as long as they could have been."
