Orion
It was an altogether lovely day. Had been so from the very moment Orion had woken up that morning to the sound of birds chirping outside and Ivy's soft breaths just beside him. A gentle breeze had come in through the windows and swept across their nest, alleviating the oppressive humidity of the late-spring morning.
He had managed to untangle himself from Ivy's arms without waking her, and allowed himself a short moment to look over her figure with fondness before he forced himself to get ready for the day's chores. He had led a small hunting party into the forests at the foot of the mountains and brought home a decent sized deer and two hares.
Yes, today had been a good one, there was no two ways around that, Orion surmised within his own mind.
So why was he feeling so beside himself? And not just today, either. It had been yesterday, and the day before that. For a week, for two, for three, he had felt a churning in his gut, and though it wasn't exactly what he would call a downright bad feeling, it was… disconcerting. Something akin to excitement, but with a distinct hint of nervousness that Orion couldn't remember ever having experienced, not even during his adolescence.
Orion pursed his lips and yanked the string that kept the tip of his spear in place, tightening it well beyond what was really necessary.
Of course he knew all too well what the reason was, and what it was that had planted this seed of anxiety in his gut. It had all started that evening when Ivy had called him over to the nest, just as he was putting out the fire, and placed his hand on top of her belly.
It had sent a spark through him at first, as he had felt that soft resistance beneath his palm, and he had been excited. That gentle bump into his hand had been the first real sign of the life they had created together that he had felt.
And somehow, that had made this whole thing all the more real, to the point that Orion on many a night found himself lying wide awake, lost in a current of worried thoughts.
He wasn't having any doubts, however. There was no way he regretted what was happening. No, Orion very much wanted this. His and Ivy's child. For Ivy to become a mother. For him to become a father – even if the very prospect of becoming just that was what had Orion currently feeling… What was it Mother had called it? The jitters?
Because of course he had tried to talk with Mother about it. Not that it had helped much, to Orion's surprise. That had definitely been a first.
"I think you should try to talk to someone who's tried it? Becoming a dad, I mean." She had advised, and Orion had to admit that it did make sense. What hadn't made sense was the suggestion that had come next. "Why don't you try talking with Caesar about it?"
Orion had tried his best not to frown. That would have been quite rude, even if Caesar hadn't been there at the time. Even now, as he sat here, on the porch at the entrance to his home, Orion still found it hard not to make a small grimace at the idea. He had, politely, declined the idea. There was no way he was sharing such concerns with Caesar, no matter the friendship they had developed. They weren't anywhere near close enough for it to be comfortable for either of them and besides, even if Orion was fine with the relationship by now, to him, Caesar would always be "the other male", in a sense. It was bound to be an altogether awkward experience for both of them.
Fortunately, Mother had understood his reasoning.
"Still, I definitely think you should find someone to talk with about it. Doesn't have to be Caesar, of course, but it should help ease your mind if you got to talk it out with someone you trust."
With a soft sigh, Orion put the spear aside and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.
Ideally, he would have spoked with Father about it, even if he hadn't exactly experienced this part of parenthood. It would still have been more comfortable than speaking to Caesar about it, Orion was sure.
But, obviously, talking with Father wasn't an option, but who else did he have to confide in?
Well, Orion thought, maybe I could talk to Shale…? He had always been on very good terms with Ivy's father and besides, Shale had always been a very relaxed and reasonable individual. Surely, he would understand Orion's worries on the matter of fatherhood?
Nodding to himself, Orion got up, stowed away his spear just inside the entrance to his home, and then went to search for his father-in-law. It shouldn't be hard to find him at this time of the day. Orion knew that Shale had gone fishing earlier in the day and, given the hour, that he should have come back and be hard at work gutting and cleaning the days' catch somewhere near the butchering hut.
Almost as if walking through a fog, Orion was so lost in his own thoughts that his feet had carried him to his destination with him barely noticing. It was the smell of fresh meat, blood and drying hides which finally managed to draw his attention to the fact that he was already there and sure enough, sitting on an old stump a few paces past the hut, was Shale.
His father-in-law was hard at work gutting a fish, and by the looks of it, he had only just sat down and had, from what Orion could tell, five or six fish to go. A decent catch.
"Orion." Shale rasped his name, hands too occupied for him to sign his greeting. Orion smiled in return and waited patiently as Shale finished up with his bloody work.
"There. Do you need something?" Shale signed amicably, his expression open and welcoming. Orion took a seat on a rock beside him, clasping his hands in preparation to speak.
"Yes. I wanted to talk to you about something…" He began, struggling to come up with a way to broach the subject. Then he sighed, shoulders slumping. "Shale… did you… Were you… concerned, when Juniper was pregnant?"
Immediately, Orion knew he had worded his question wrong when Shale's brow raised in what seemed like surprise and worry.
"Concerned?" Shale's expression turned thoughtful. "Hmm, yes, I was always concerned, in a way. For Juniper and the child. She lost it many times, so it was hard not to feel concerned."
Orion bit his lip and was just about to say that was not exactly what he meant when Shale's eyes suddenly widened and his shoulder seemed to tense.
"Why do you ask? Is something wrong with Ivy? Is she unwell?" He asked with urgent hand movements and Orion quickly found himself scrambling to reassure his father-in-law, who was already looking about ready to abandon his catch of the day to go and search for the daughter he thought might be in trouble.
"No, no, Ivy is fine! She is doing very well!"
Well, this is going great already, Orion thought sarcastically- and in a voice that sounded not so unlike Mother's – before he managed to compose himself and make an attempt to start over with his inquiry.
"What I meant was… Were you…" Orion tried again, pursing his lips as he searched for a word that would fit. "Were you ever… nervous.. of becoming a father?"
The way Shale narrowed his eyes at him ever so slightly did nothing to ease Orion's tension
Suddenly, Orion was very acutely aware of the flint knife at Shale's side. The one he had used to gut the fish. It wasn't that he thought his father-in-law tended to use it on him – at least he really, really hoped he wouldn't.
"I was not." Shale stated simply and moved to rest his elbows on top of his knees. "I wanted it from the start and there was no time to be… nervous for myself at the time. No room for doubts."
His expression was one of mild disapproval, and Orion just knew then and there that Shale was thinking that Orion was having second thoughts about this – and what kind of father wouldn't disprove of his daughter's mate having such thoughts? Even though he didn't have a child yet, Orion could easily understand how badly that made him come across as.
He shook his head.
"I am not having doubts. I want this child." He said with certainty, squaring his shoulders.
It wasn't a lie. He did want this. Orion could scarcely think of anything he had ever been more certain of in his entire life. Ever since his relationship with Ivy had begun, he had known that he would want this with her. He had been absolutely elated when she had told him that she was with child, and that feeling definitely hadn't gone away, even now. He was looking forward to this. He wanted this!
Perhaps fortunately, Shale seemed to believe him, nodding with what looked like approval
"So why do you ask? If you know you want it? What is there to be nervous about?" Shale inquired then and that question Orion found himself hard pressed to find an answer to.
Because it was exactly what he was trying to figure out himself.
"I do not know…" Orion trailed off, pursing his lips. "Maybe I am just thinking too much…"
Shale nodded at that.
"It would not be a surprise. You were always prone to that. I suppose it is a habit you got from your mother." Shale replied, now with an easy, almost teasing look in his eyes. "It is a very human thing to do. Thinking too much. Making a big problem out of a small, simple thing."
Of course he knew Shale didn't mean anything by it and so, Orion didn't take offence. And although he didn't quite agree that it was a strictly human habit, he did have to concede that it was something both he and Mother tended to do.
"In any case, my advice would be to stop thinking so much and simply be happy with what you have. Ivy is showing none of the signs that Juniper did when things were about to go wrong. That is what matters, and something you should be happy about."
Well, Orion couldn't very well argue with that. Ivy and the child's well-being would always come first, of course, and he was happy that it didn't seem like his mate would go through the same difficulties as her mother had when it came to pregnancy.
It goes without saying that Orion was extremely thankful for that.
Even so, that fact didn't seem to quell the quiet anxiety that was swirling around inside Orion's chest and gut. He wasn't about to tell Shale that, however. He feared he might just end up giving the wrong impression… again.
Seems like his father-in-law wasn't the right person to talk to about this, after all.
"You are right, Shale." Orion said, returning the smile as best he could. "I should probably go and tend to some of my chores. Thank you for the talk."
In truth, Orion had already finished all his chores and duties for the day and didn't have anywhere specific he needed to be. But he figured that it was as good an excuse as any to get out of the conversation with his integrity and relation to Shale intact and go search for an answer elsewhere.
In any case, Shale seemed to accept this, offering him a friendly smile and another nod before he grabbed his flint knife and resumed the task of gutting the day's catch. Orion took his leave then, doing his best to put more of a spring in his step until he was out of Shale's sight and could let his shoulders slump once more.
Well, that could have been quite the disaster…
And all it really did was make Orion feel awful about his nervousness. Like it was wrong of him to feel this way and he was somehow being ungrateful for the fact that the pregnancy was going so smoothly.
Orion sighed, scratching the back of his neck as he wandered aimlessly between the huts. If he couldn't talk with Shale about it, then who?
He only briefly considered taking up Mother's advice and go search for Caesar, discarding the thought just as quickly as it had entered his mind. There had to be someone else he could ask. Someone who wouldn't take offence or make him feel bad for having these thoughts. Someone who would understand.
Maybe it would be better if I talked to Maurice about it? Orion wondered. His old teacher always seemed to know what to do or say, wise as he was. Besides, he had adopted Nova. Surely he would know something about fatherhood and what one could expect from it.
Yes, that seemed like a good idea. Better than nothing, at the very least, Orion decided. And even if Maurice didn't have all the answers, he might be able to point him in the right direction. It was worth a try.
And so, with a new purpose in his step, Orion headed towards his old teacher's hut, the place he was most likely to be after a morning full of teaching the colony's youngsters.
The Ape Village was buzzing with life as Orion walked through it, apes of all ages dotting the place. Some were sitting in groups, weaving baskets or sorting roots, berries and mushrooms while their children played rambunctiously nearby. Others were simply conversing with no apparent task to occupy their hands. Orion spied Ivy and Lake having a chat near the latter's home, Fang and Chance lounging lazily nearby.
As expected, Maurice was sitting in front of his hut, perched on the platform that made out the porch in front of the entrance. From there, he probably had a pretty good view of what was going on around the centre of the village, and his home's location meant that he didn't have that far to go when he went to teach the children each day.
Orion waved at him in greeting, which the orangutan returned with a single nod of his large head and a warm, welcoming look in his eyes.
It was all the invitation the young chimp needed to hoist himself up onto the porch and take a seat beside Maurice.
"What is troubling you, Orion?" Maurice asked after a brief trade of pleasantries and an off-handed comment about yesterday's hunt, and Orion only just managed to sigh in exasperation at the question. Much like Mother, Maurice always seemed to know when something was bothering others. It could be endearing, even helpful at times. At others, Orion found it quite annoying.
He hadn't yet decided if this time was the former or the latter.
"How did you know something is troubling me?"
"I passed your hut earlier while you were sitting there. In fact, I wanted to ask what was wrong then, but the look you had on your face didn't exactly give the impression that you were in a mood to talk." Maurice explained, and Orion lowered his head in shame. He hadn't realised that he had seemed so glum – and certainly not enough to make others refrain from talking to him.
Before he had a chance to apologise, however, Maurice was signing once more.
"But you have come here now, so let me hear it." He said with a kind look on his face. "What is it that had you look so grim?"
And Orion saw no other option than to just come out and say it as it was. So, slowly, he began to explain it all. His growing anxiety about becoming a father, his failure to make any sense of it on his own, and his near-disastrous conversation with Shale on the matter. Throughout it, Maurice didn't interrupt even once, but listened patiently and with his ever-present look of thoughtfulness right up until Orion had finished speaking.
Then, and only then, did the large orangutan lift his hands to speak.
"Don't take Shale's reaction the wrong way, Orion. Remember, he and Juniper tried and failed many, many times to get a child. When he said he was never nervous about becoming a father, that is probably true. I think he simply never had the opportunity to feel something like that because he was so busy worrying about Juniper at the time." Maurice said, ever with that wise air about him. "It's easy to seem ungrateful to someone who's been trying so very hard to achieve something that has come so naturally to you. But I trust you know that Shale means well all the same?"
"Of course." Orion replied, folding his hands in his lap. "I just hope I did not give him cause to worry too much."
Maurice shrugged. Because of his size, the movement looked laboured and heavy.
"I've no reason to believe he will. Unlike Juniper, he never had a tendency to fret."
Orion nodded in agreement, and the two merely sat together in comfortable silence after that. It provided Orion with ample opportunity to observe Mother walking towards her and Caesar's home at the opposite side of the village's centre, carrying a bundle of long, dried grass. He surmised that it was probably for Storm and her puppies' little nest up in the hut. They had been born a week or so prior, six in total, with five pups surviving and the sixth being a stillborn.
Orion suspected it wouldn't be long before Mother and Cornelius had named each one and promised them off to loving homes within the Colony – except the one Mother intended to keep, of course.
"What about you, Maurice?" Orion asked after a long while, and turned to regard his old teacher with an inquisitive stare. "How did you feel about becoming a father?"
"What do you mean?"
"You adopted Nova. You raise her as your own." Orion said and inclined his head towards the place where the girl in question was listening very intently to something Cornelius was telling her. It probably had something to do with fishing, if his little brother's enthusiastic waving with a rod and string was anything to go by. "That is a big decision. A difficult task. You must have had some thoughts on it when you decided to do it."
"I don't think me adopting Nova can be compared to your situation, Orion." Maurice said, and not unkindly. If anything, he seemed amused. "I didn't know it was going to happen before it did. I didn't wait months for it or have the chance to even think about it at all, much less get used to the thought. Nova was suddenly just… there. Fatherhood wasn't something I was ever expecting, much like motherhood probably wasn't something Lydia was expecting when you were handed to her."
Well, Orion thought, it wasn't exactly what he had wanted to hear, as it did nothing to explain his continued anxiety on the matter, but at least Maurice wasn't taking it the wrong way simply by Orion asking. That in itself was somehow validating and made him feel a bit better about his nervousness on the matter.
And besides, he supposed the orangutan was right. Maurice may have adopted Nova, but he hadn't known for months that it would happen, going through the excruciating waiting, nor the doubts and anxiety that seemed to follow in its wake. He had simply never had the opportunity to second-guess any of it the way Orion did now.
"I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you, Orion. But I'd rather not give advice on something I know so little about."
"That is fine, Maurice. I would rather have you be honest with me." He said, letting his eyes rest on a lonesome cloud as it travelled across the sky at an entirely unhurried pace. "I suppose I will have to figure this out on my own. Or try to push it out of my mind."
The older ape shook his head at that and gave a soft, soothing rumble that nonetheless seemed disapproving of Orion's statement.
"No. Keeping things that bother you to yourself and trying to push them away is not a good thing, Orion. It took your mother a very long time to break that habit and I will not support you taking it up now." Maurice said. The concern was clear on his face, and the comparison to his Mother had Orion feel compelled not to argue. It would seem that they were more similar than he had ever realised.
"What do you suggest I do, then?"
"Hmm… Let me think…" The wise ape signed, resting his chin against his chest.
It was quiet for a while, the different sounds of the village creating a buzzing sort of background noise as Orion waited patiently for his old teacher to piece together a helpful advice.
"I think your mother was right in saying that you should talk to someone who's had a similar experience." The orangutan finally signed, slow and deliberate as always. "We just have to figure out who. Let me see… It must be someone who doesn't have a familial connection to either of you, like Shale, so their opinion won't be affected by that. But it should also be someone who you feel close to and know that you can trust on the matter. Someone who will not judge."
Orion frowned at all of that, already sceptical. Who would fit such criteria? Even Caesar didn't, with him being connected to Orion through Mother. Bad Ape briefly crossed his mind, but Orion almost let a snort of disbelief slip through and discarded the notion just as quickly. He could barely imagine how very awkward, not to mention taxing, it would be to confide in the strange hermit ape. Besides, they didn't know each other well enough for him to even want to do that in the first place...
He was about ready to lose hope when suddenly, Maurice made a deep, trilling sound, which sounded rather amused to Orion's ears, before he faced him once more.
"Have you tried talking to Rocket about this yet?"
At first, Orion just sort of sat there blinking, rather dumbly, he imagined, at Maurice. Then, a smile found its way to his face at around the same time a sense of embarrassment bloomed inside his chest.
No, he hadn't talked to Rocket about it. He hadn't even thought to do so, and was now berating himself inside his own mind for it. Rocket should have been one of the first people to come to mind! Not only was he the father of one of Orion's dearest, late childhood friends, but he had also been with him and Blue Eyes on their two-year-long journey to find the apes' new home. There were preciously few apes in the village who knew Orion as well as Rocket did, and he knew he could trust the older ape with whatever was on his mind. Rocket wasn't the type to judge, and he certainly wasn't the type to divulge to others information which had been shared with him in confidence.
And despite the fact that most didn't consider Caesar's second-in-command to be a deep thinker – certainly not like The Ape King or Maurice were – he was far from dull of mind. He simply applied it differently than his compatriots, not concerning himself with questions of ethics or how things ought to be. He saw things for what they were, and if there seemed to be a problem, he would rather work through it rather than spend days speculating it. In that way, Rocket had always been more of a straightforward and practical ape.
And Orion could really use a bit of that right now.
"Why have I not thought of that?" He wondered out loud to no one in particular.
"Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the last one that comes to mind." Maurice replied. "Especially when everyone else's advice distract us from it."
"Still, I feel foolish for not even considering it. We have been through so much…"
Maurice patted his arm and offered a reassuring smile.
"Your mind has been occupied recently, and you both have duties towards the village that need tending to. It's no surprise that Rocket wasn't the first to enter your thoughts. Beyond the few hunts you two have led, when would you have had the time to just sit down and talk?"
"I'm sitting here, talking to you right now…"
"Because you needed my help and sought me out. Do you even remember the last time we have been sitting down and simply talked?" Maurice pointed out, though not unkindly.
Even so, Orion still ducked his head in shame.
"I do not…" He said, subdued. "Sorry…"
The old orangutan shook his head, his large cheeks following the movement with some delay.
"No need to apologise. I don't blame you for it, Orion." He said before he let his eyes roam across the expanse of the village. "In any case, we can always make amends to that later. Right now, I think you ought to seek out Rocket. I saw him return from his patrol with the Gorilla Guard quite some time ago."
"Of course." Orion said with a nod of agreement. He got up from his seat beside the ageing orangutan and, quite unaware of the rather human-like habit until he heard Maurice's amused snort, padded his legs in an attempt to dust them off. Orion managed to give a low chuckle at the habit he had so obviously picked up from Mother – one of many, it would seem – and jumped down from Maurice's porch. "Thank you for your help, Maurice."
"I don't know if I would call it 'helping', Orion." He answered modestly, to which Orion shook his head.
"You know much, Maurice. But even you cannot know everything." He said, smiling before moving to turn and leave. He paused in the last moment, however, and turned to shoot his old teacher a sheepish look.
"I… I promise I will visit more often." He vowed sincerely. Maurice simply waved it off.
"Soon you will be too busy to keep that promise, I'm sure. And that's more than fine." He replied and picked up a tomato – the meagre fruit of Tinker's tireless labour in the colony's garden – from a wooden bowl beside him. "Now go, before Rocket will find some other duty to fill out his time with. And good luck, Orion"
Ah yes. Rocket was likely to do that, prowling the village for things that needed doing, ever the industrious ape. The excuse he most often used was that he wanted to take some of the burden off Caesar's shoulders, as the Ape King couldn't possible see to everything. While that might be true, Orion did also suspect that he did it simply because he had a hard time sitting still.
Orion inclined his head in response, a new spring in his step as he turned to begin his search.
"Thank you Maurice! I will see you later." He received a grunt in reply and put a hand up in a wave as he walked away, a new spring in his step.
Clouds had gathered overhead as Orion once again made his way through the village, this time in the direction of the stables, where he knew the patrol Rocket had joined would be tending to their horses. A few of the Gorilla Guard passed him as he went, but hopefully, Rocket would still be there, brushing down his steed and stowing away its saddle, and saving Orion the trouble of scouring the entire village.
The stables were among the more impressive structures the apes had managed to construct since they had settled here. It consisted of three buildings put together in a U-shape. The space between them made up a courtyard with ample space to saddle up or brush down the horses, with a sturdy fence to enclose the area. Orion's green eyes automatically sought out the building on the left-hand side as he entered the courtyard, and he immediately spotted his own horse, a young, chestnut mare with a white snout and forehead. She had stuck her head out to greet him with a dramatic flick.
Orion walked over to her and brushed her neck, an apologetic smile on his face.
"Not today, Ofelia." He said, earning himself another flick of his steed's large head. Sometimes, he swore she understood him just as well as the dogs seemed to do. "I do not suppose you could tell me where Rocket is, huh?"
Of course, the mare said nothing, but gave a soft huff once Orion's hand cupped her soft muzzle.
Just then, a hoot sounded behind him, and Orion turned to see Rocket already halfway across the courtyard, carrying a pail and wearing an amused expression on his dark face.
He hung the pail on the outside of the gate that kept Ofelia inside her part of the stables and the mare lowered her head to eat its contents, happily forgetting about Orion in favour of food.
"Maybe one day you or Lydia will get some answers to all the questions you ask your beasts." Rocket signed once his hands were free of the burden.
Orion offered a toothy grin at that.
"They do sometimes answer, Rocket. You just have to know what to look for." He replied, patting the horse's neck once more, though she was too busy eating to take notice. "Like Ofelia here. She knows exactly what I am saying when I tell her 'we are going', even before I reach for her saddle. And she will instantly begin to whinny and stamp the ground when I do. That is all the answer I need to know that she is happy about it."
Rocket smiled, eyes on the horse as it continued to munch at the food presented to her, the large jaw moving in an even, steady rhythm as she chewed.
"Ofelia." Rocket signed with a small smile on his face as he turned to look out across the rolling hills, deep forests and snow-capped mountains that surrounded their home. "I wonder where they are now. Her family and her. It seems so long ago since that day."
Orion followed Rocket's gaze and reached up to trace the large gash in his left ear, an ever-present reminder of the journey they'd had.
"Well, it has been years now. Much has happened since then." He replied and pursed his lips. "Wherever they are, I hope they are well. They were kind humans."
Realistically, Orion did have his doubts, but liked to imagine that the little family speaking a strange language had somehow made it to somewhere safe, away from soldiers and sickness. Perhaps they had found a secluded little haven somewhere along the way? He hoped so. Thinking otherwise sent an uncomfortable wave of concern through his gut, even though their encounter had been so brief.
He hadn't even known where they had been headed. Maybe towards other humans? Like Malcolm, Ellie and Alex?
Another bout of concern churned inside his stomach at the thought of his old human friend, though the big sigh Rocket gave at that moment managed to distract him before he could dwell too much on it. Rocket's shoulders rose and fell with the action, only for him to turn and look at Orion once more.
"I don't suppose you came here just to remember the past together." He signed, crows' feet appearing at the corners of his eyes as he smiled. "You were looking for me?"
Orion straightened and squared his shoulders.
"Yes, I was." He confirmed, only to pause and look around the stables and courtyard with critical eyes.
Several apes were still milling around the place, and though they all seemed preoccupied, he still felt rather… exposed standing there.
Following his gaze, Rocket caught on quickly.
"Let us go somewhere quiet." He signed easily and steered Orion away from the stables with a heavy hand placed on his shoulder.
Orion could have sworn that Ofelia, who had finished eating by now, was shooting him a withering look as he left, and he made a silent promise to himself that he would return later and take her out for a while. Coming here and getting her hopes up had been rather mean, now that he thought about it.
Though he had dropped the hand from Orion's shoulder by the time they had left the area of the stables, Rocket was still the one to lead the way as the two of them walked on for what felt like a small eternity. In fact, Orion had no idea where they were going until the two of them stood atop a hill that overlooked the village – the very same hill from which the colony had first laid eyes on their new home.
Rocket sat down on a ridge of dirt topped by a lonely, scrawny tree, and looked expectantly up at Orion.
"So, what did you want to discuss? A sensitive matter, I take it?" He signed, only for a look of concern to appear on his face once Orion came over and all but slumped down beside him.
He really didn't mean to make Rocket worry, but by now it had been… a long day. He spent the better part of the morning searching his own mind for an answer to feelings that just didn't seem to make any sense to him, only to end up trekking through the village thrice times over throughout the afternoon. And in that time he had nearly managed to offend his father-in-law, had several reminders of how he had begun to neglect relationships with those around him and ended up clearly disappointing his horse.
That last thought nearly made him smile, despite the slight pang of guilt he felt. At least Ofelia could be appeased with a handful of carrots or an apple.
"Yes, it is…" Orion nodded, returning to the conversation at hand. "I… Maurice told me that you might be able to help me understand something."
For a moment, Rocket's expression was one of equal parts confusion and surprise, almost like he couldn't possibly imagine that there was something Maurice wouldn't be able to explain. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had told him to go to Rocket with the matter instead?
Either way, he seemed flattered once the initial surprise had worn off, and clasped his hands in front of himself. He seemed to be waiting for Orion to get to the point, making no move to sign and make further inquiries.
And so, realising this, Orion did a slow inhale, steeling himself, and decided to get straight to the point without further ado.
"How did you feel about becoming a father?" He tried and bit his lip at the taken-aback expression on Rocket's face.
"I can see why this might be hard for Maurice to answer…" He signed. "But why ask me this?"
Orion reached up to run his palm down across his face in a vain attempt to smooth out the frustrated crease he could feel appearing between his brows before he began to explain. How he didn't feel comfortable talking to Caesar about this. How he had nearly given Shale the wrong idea and decided to retreat before he said something that would give his father-in-law reason to doubt his commitment. How he had sought out Maurice's advice and how he had been at a loss once that hadn't yielded any results either.
"I am sorry I did not think to go to you sooner." He finished sheepishly, eyes downcast at the way he wrung his hands in his own lap. "It seemed so obvious once Maurice suggested it."
When Rocket didn't reply, Orion forced himself to look up once more, thinking he had offended the other ape. What he found, however, was Rocket seemingly deep in thought, his lips forming a thin line as he brushed his large chin with the tips of his fingers.
"Rocket?" Orion said after a while, perplexed.
The other chimp hummed in reply.
"Becoming a father…. I felt very happy. Proud. Excited." He said thoughtfully. "It is long ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday. The waiting. The preparations... Seeing Ash's face for the first time."
Briefly, a look of longing and melancholy appeared on Rocket's face, and Orion remained quiet until it passed. Though he could tell it was a fond memory, he also knew it was bittersweet for Rocket to be reminded of the son he had lost. He was sorely missed, and not just by his parents.
After a while, Orion gave a low hum in preparation to speak, which seemed to pull Rocket back to the conversation at hand.
"Did you…. Did you ever feel doubt? Were you ever… Uh, scared?"
To the young ape's surprise, Rocket nodded almost instantly.
"Many times. It's no small thing to have a child and, believe it or not, I had even less experience than you. Though I was the leader before Caesar came to us, I had never had one of my own. In the Ape Prison, the humans gave the females something to prevent this, you see. I had not seen a pregnant female or a mother ape until we were free. So, when Tinker became pregnant some time after our escape, I had no idea what to do."
Orion's eyes widened and his mouth fell agape.
"How do you know the humans did that? Prevented pregnancy, I mean?" He asked, feeling disgusted by the idea. He had never been told about this particular detail before, though he supposed it shouldn't surprise him. Still, it added yet another wicked aspect to the imprisonment the apes had endured before The Change. Something Orion could hardly believe was even possible anymore.
"It's something your mother has discussed with Cornelia and Tinker, who then told me. Many wondered why no one became pregnant until after we were free, though we had suspicions. Lydia simply confirmed them when she explained that it was common for humans to… hmm, 'regulate' such things. I believe that was the word she used. Of course, she did not enjoy discussing it much." Rocket explained with a sombre look on his face. He lowered his hands and cast a sideways glance at the ground in front of the two of them.
Silence fell between the two and Orion let himself dwell on the sound of summer birds chirping in a tree somewhere down the hill, as well as the low, almost inaudible hum of the Ape Village.
Then, even though he never spoke out loud, Rocket made a show of clearing his throat and squaring his shoulders.
"But that isn't what you wanted to talk about." He said. "To answer you question: yes, I was scared. Terrified, actually, but… I never doubted that it was right. I only ever doubted myself."
Orion merely nodded, though the knowledge that Rocket's experience wasn't dissimilar to his own did seem to ease his mind, at least to a degree. He supposed that was a step in the right direction.
"Are you afraid? Regretting it?" He asked plainly, though there was no trace of judgement on his face.
Orion shook his head in reply.
"No. No, it is not that. I want this. To have a family with Ivy." He replied. "But I… I am nervous, Rocket."
Orion gave a heavy sigh and leaned forward to rest his elbows on top of his thighs.
"I do not know why. I just… We have talked about it a lot, Ivy and I. I thought I was prepared. That I knew what to do, but now…" He trailed off, not knowing how to continue.
A grunt from Rocket drew his attention, and he turned to find the balding ape looking at him. But his expression wasn't judgemental, as Orion had initially feared. Instead it was open and unguarded, sympathetic, even.
"Now that it's happening, you worry if you will be a good father or not." Rocket continued with a knowing look on his face.
Orion paused.
"Yes…" He nodded with reluctance. It was hard to admit at first, but it was true. "How did you know?"
"You wanted to talk with someone who had experience in this matter." Rocket pointed out with a shrug before he set his eyes on Orion, expression earnest and posture relaxed. "Now tell me, what exactly is it that makes you worry so much? What is it that makes you fear that you would not be a good father?"
To his own surprise, Orion didn't have to think long before he answered Rocket's question, startling even himself with how promptly the confession came out.
"There is so much I do not know. About raising a child. About teaching it what it needs to grow up well. I do not know how to be a father." Orion lamented, only to bent forward and rest his elbows on his thighs, holding his forehead in his hand. "What if I cannot give this child what it needs, Rocket? What does a child even need at all?"
It felt like a dam had broken at this point. Where Orion had previously not even been able to identify the source of his worries, it now seemed that it all came flooding in one, big, incoherent stream of statements and questions. And all of them related to his own inadequacies.
Rocket, meanwhile, simply nodded along until he was done rambling, deigning to speak only when Orion stopped to rest his forehead against his palm, eyes squeezed shut in frustration.
"You were a child once, too, were you not?" He asked with a small smile on his face. It was quickly traded for a serious expression when Orion made no move to return the gesture, however.
The older ape sighed then.
"Orion, your child will not come into the world with a set of expectations you must fulfil."
"But what if I'm not ready?" Orion spoke, finally lowering his hand only to wring it together with his other one. "I have no idea how to be a father, Rocket..."
"Were you an expert from the moment you held a fishing rod in your hands for the first time?" Rocket countered.
Muted, Orion shook his head.
"What about when you first approached Ivy? Were you experienced in courting back then?"
"No…" Orion replied, feeling a subtle heat at the tips of his ears. "Of course not. You know Ivy is my first and only..."
"So, did you feel ready when you did it? Were you feeling sure of yourself? Confident that it would go as you wanted? That you were doing it perfectly?"
Pursing his lips, Orion thought back briefly to that day when he had first sat down with Ivy to confess his feelings. He remembered the way his heart had hammered inside his chest. How his nerves had seemed raw and frazzled from just sitting beside her. How his tongue had twisted on itself and how he had felt every second word he did managed to get out of his mouth would somehow make a mess of it.
No, he definitely hadn't been ready for it. He had been out of his element, almost certain that he would make a fool of himself and get rejected. He had even used the excuse that he had no experience with ape females when Alex had urged him to confess.
But he had done it anyway, in the end. Because he had decided that he wouldn't give up before he had even tried.
And it had gone fine. Better than fine. It had been daunting – frightening, even. But it had landed him where he was right now, together with the most wonderful female he had ever met, and with the two of them well on their way to create a family together.
Orion sighed and shook his head.
"No one is ever ready to be a father, Orion. Not the first time, at least." Rocket said. In that moment he seemed to have a wisdom in his gaze that could rival Maurice's. "It's natural to be nervous and fear you might not be good enough. It's okay to feel scared. But don't let those feelings ruin it for you, Orion. Don't let it stop you from being the father you wish to be."
Orion bit his lip. That was exactly why he was here. Because he didn't want to ruin this because he was feeling inadequate even before the child was born.
What Rocket was saying now made sense. No one was ever came completely prepared when faced with something they had never done before, be it hunting, fishing, courting… or parenthood.
And yet...
"How?" He asked. "How do I do that?"
"Accept that you will make mistakes, just like everyone else. Remind yourself that it's okay to do so, as long as you continue to do the best you can." Rocket said with a knowing smile on his face. "And remember that you are not raising this child alone. It takes the entire village to do so. You have Ivy, Lydia and Caesar to help. And me, Tinker and Maurice, Cornelius, Lake and many, many more."
Part of the anxiety swirling in Orion's gut seemed to settle down at Rocket's words. It was in a way validating to hear that he wasn't in the wrong for feeling like this. It made his shoulders feel lighter and released the clenching around his heart.
This was okay. This was normal.
"Thank you, Rocket. I think I needed to hear that." He said, shooting the other chimp a small smile.
Rocket gave a warm chuckle and his broad shoulders bobbed with the movement.
"I know everyone always reminds you of how much like Lydia you are, but…" Rocket began, only to pause and observe Orion with a growing smile before he continued. "You do also have a lot of your father in you."
Orion felt his smile fade slightly and his lips part in surprise.
"What makes you say that?" He asked with interest. It was true, everyone had always been quick to point out how many traits he shared with his mother – but less so when it came to his father. Then, Orion shook his head in disbelief. "Do not tell me he came to you because he was nervous about raising me."
Rocket chittered and shifted to sit against the lone, scraggly tree behind him.
"He worried more than you might have imagined. He might have adopted you, but you were still his first and only child, Orion. And he was raising you together with a human woman to boot." Rocket said, only for his eyes to turn softer as a reminiscing look took over his features. "After we became friends, Roy would sometimes open up to me about his thoughts on the matter. You are similar in that regard. It might surprise you, but he always worried whether or not him and Lydia being together would have a negative effect on your life. Especially when it came to finding friends and a mate."
"But they never showed it to others." Orion protested, even if he already knew it was a weak argument.
He just couldn't picture Father have any doubts about something like this, what with how steadfastly his parents had always stood by one another.
Rocket shook his head.
"Show or no show, a male and a female living and raising a child together makes it quite obvious, Orion. The fact that it was an ape and a human was what made it made the rumours spread as it did among the adult apes. And many of those apes had children listening as well. Children who could and would have turned away from you because of what their parents said."
"So why did they not?" Orion asked. He seemed to be asking a lot of questions today, he realised, but couldn't bring himself to rein in his own curiosity. Especially since it wasn't often he got to talk with anyone about Father these days, and doing so now seemed to bring a strange, comforting sense of nostalgia. "I do not remember any of the other children being cruel or even ignoring me. Of course I did not get along with everyone, and some of them did make comments about Mother from time to time, but I don't think I was ever… bullied?"
"Who do you think would dare to bully a friend of Ash and Blue Eyes?" Rocket asked with a hint of mirth and pride in his eyes that didn't disappear even when his expression turned more serious again. "Also, your parents got Caesar's approval to stay, and they both made sure to work hard and pull their weight from the start. Most of the apes could at least respect that, even if they didn't approve of their way of life."
Remaining silent, Orion gave a nod. That made sense, he supposed. In their community, being hard-working was a valued trait, ape or not. Both Mother and Father had applied themselves so, and it had paid off, even if they had still had to contend with rumours and sideways glances.
It had been the price they had paid for their happiness and the opportunity for Orion to grow up healthy and happy, and with the chance of someday starting a family of his own.
"You know, Rocket," Orion began, staring down at his hands. His fingers were clasped together in his lap, and his thumbs were twirling around one another. "I always knew that Mother faced many obstacles because of what she is, even when I was little. It was always very obvious... But it never really entered my mind that Father did as well. He always seemed so confident. He always knew just what to do. What to say. Nothing ever seemed to shake him."
"He was a good ape. Strong. Dependable." Rocket agreed. "But even he needed help sometimes. As do we all. Remember that, Orion, and you will be as good a father to your child as Roy was to you."
The younger ape smiled fondly at that and on a whim, pulled Rocket into a tight embrace that seemed to startle the older chimp at first. Then, with a short chuckle, he returned the gesture and patted Orion on his back in a comradely fashion.
"Now, how about we go eat with the others? I can smell the venison from all the way up here." He signed and, taking a whiff of the air, Orion could too.
As if on cue, his stomach gave a loud, insistent grumble, making both apes chitter heartily before they both got to their feet.
"Very well!" Orion agreed, dusting off his thighs as he rose. "Lead the way."
And with that, they went down to the village together, trading light banter about how both Ivy and Tinker would chastise them for being late – that is, if Lydia didn't get to them first.
It wouldn't matter much if they did, though. In that moment, with the weight of his worries lightened by his conversation with Rocket, Orion was pretty sure he could endure a scolding from all three females at once.
And if that wasn't progress, he didn't know what was.
Later that night, as Orion laid beside a sleeping Ivy, he tentatively let his hand travel across her body to rest against the swell of her belly. At first, there was nothing. Simply the warmth of Ivy's skin and the softness of her fur beneath his palm.
Orion waited, eyes closed and breaths shallow, until he felt it. A kick against his hand, strong enough for him to feel the slight bulge poking out from the otherwise smooth, rounded surface. And where he would previously feel the uncomfortable wrenching of his gut, he now only felt the small tickling flutter.
He smiled and buried his nose in the crook of Ivy's neck.
"Orion..?" Came her small, groggy voice, though she didn't sound the least bit annoyed at being woken up. Her smaller hand came to rest on his atop her stomach. "What is it?"
"Nothing." Orion answered with a sigh of contentment. "I just..."
He felt her squeeze his hand at his pause, prompting him to continue.
"I just want to enjoy this for a bit." He said, rubbing circles with his thumb across her skin just as another kick met his palm.
